Were you and your ex alligned religiously/spiritually?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

going into the relationship, my ex was a professed atheist. im a person of faith. this wasnt the first time id been in a romantic relationship with someone that did not share my religious beliefs. mind you, i was 21 when i got with my ex, and those previous relationships had been in high school. one could reasonably argue that having those kinds of things aligned is less important when youre younger, and depending on the level of commitment.

but i knew that if my ex and i were telling each other that we loved the other, that if we were discussing having children, and if we were discussing marriage, then it was pretty important. i worried about it a lot.

i thought about the prospect of us raising children together. my ex was opposed to the idea of going to church. so, presumably in this scenario, id be going to church alone, perhaps with the kids. and what happens when people at church ask about my family, my wife? and what happens when me and the kids get home? does my ex then get the time to dispute everything my kids just heard in church? that only seems fair, right? but far from ideal. and of course what happens as we try to raise children together if our values are in conflict?

when i would worry, id tell myself that it was early, and things might change. they did (not before several big fights over it). at a certain point, she began to express faith, and interest in faith. looking back, i dont question her sincerity; she once shared with me a touching prayer she had made on my behalf, crying as she told me. i do think it was a fleeting interest, and perhaps a level of conformity, mixed with her own uncertainty - all of this was abandoned after we broke up.

so of course we never had kids and we never got married. but the experience got me thinking about my values, about how i prioritize them, about how they do or dont work with another person. our values and the ways we live them can be too rigid and require examining and some flexibility. but i think if my values come from my faith, its important to find a person whom is on a similar page.

so what about you? did you have an ex with different religious beliefs than you? or perhaps, were you of the same denomination, but shared some fundamentally conflicting beliefs? if so, how did this play out in your relationship? what have you learned from it, and what, if anything, would you do differently next time?

[once removed]

going into the relationship, my ex was a professed atheist. im a person of faith. this wasnt the first time id been in a romantic relationship with someone that did not share my religious beliefs. mind you, i was 21 when i got with my ex, and those previous relationships had been in high school. one could reasonably argue that having those kinds of things aligned is less important when youre younger, and depending on the level of commitment.

but i knew that if my ex and i were telling each other that we loved the other, that if we were discussing having children, and if we were discussing marriage, then it was pretty important. i worried about it a lot.

i thought about the prospect of us raising children together. my ex was opposed to the idea of going to church. so, presumably in this scenario, id be going to church alone, perhaps with the kids. and what happens when people at church ask about my family, my wife? and what happens when me and the kids get home? does my ex then get the time to dispute everything my kids just heard in church? that only seems fair, right? but far from ideal. and of course what happens as we try to raise children together if our values are in conflict?

when i would worry, id tell myself that it was early, and things might change. they did (not before several big fights over it). at a certain point, she began to express faith, and interest in faith. looking back, i dont question her sincerity; she once shared with me a touching prayer she had made on my behalf, crying as she told me. i do think it was a fleeting interest, and perhaps a level of conformity, mixed with her own uncertainty - all of this was abandoned after we broke up.

so of course we never had kids and we never got married. but the experience got me thinking about my values, about how i prioritize them, about how they do or dont work with another person. our values and the ways we live them can be too rigid and require examining and some flexibility. but i think if my values come from my faith, its important to find a person whom is on a similar page.

so what about you? did you have an ex with different religious beliefs than you? or perhaps, were you of the same denomination, but shared some fundamentally conflicting beliefs? if so, how did this play out in your relationship? what have you learned from it, and what, if anything, would you do differently next time?

[OutOfEgypt]

Hi onceremoved,

My ex is a professing Christian, and I am a Christian.  Yet, with the exception of only parts of a few years over the course of about 13 years, I went to church without her, with our kids.  There are lots of reasons she claimed to not want to go.  I'd say we had the same beliefs on paper, but her functional beliefs were very different.

I'm now remarried to someone who is actually on the same page, and it makes a huge difference... not just in what we do (going to church together) but in how we view and approach life together... goals, parenting, how we want to use our time and money, etc.