further escalation...she showed up again

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

H's xW arrived at our house uninvited today, saw that my car was gone, then called the police and reported us for leaving kids home alone with a "violent child" (S10 had violent tantrums before being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder last year.  He is now on a successful treatment plan and is nonviolent.) 

I was home about 15 minutes after the text to H that she had called the police, so I'm pretty confident they didn't show up.  I'm hoping that since she didn't have any proof that there were even children at home, they ignored her.  [Ironically, it was S10's very first time home alone. I had taken SD12 with me on an errand and D13 is out of town.  He said he didn't hear anyone at the door, and he was under orders not to open it anyway. ]

I am absolutely livid.  She could have terrified my kid.  Depending on what she said, there's a chance CPS could show up this week to question us.

At this point, I'm almost as mad at my husband as I am at her.  His policy of sticking his head in the sand is not working.  He enforced a boundary once a few weeks ago, but then he unblocked her and has reverted to his old method of sticking his head in the sand.

Now that her crazy is potentially affecting my biokid and she has called authorities on my parenting, I think I have enough leverage to take over how this situation is handled.  It is no longer me inserting myself into their parenting dispute, it is me protecting our entire family.  Quite honestly, at this point I'm prepared to give an ultimatum of try this my way or find us a marriage counselor ASAP.

My proposed course of action will be:
0) get a Ring doorbell so that we can always see who is at the door and can answer it when the kids are home alone
1) Set up a parenting app (either Talking parents or Our Family Wizard)
2) have H send text, email, and registered letter to xW telling her all future communication will happen on the app, and he will check it 3 times a week.
3) have H block xW on his phone
4) I will handle the bulk of communication on the app, logged in as H. I will send her important papers / school messages / etc and will answer reasonable questions related to SD
5) H to still make final decisions on how to respond to xW's requests for more time (and other things that should be between parents), but if he doesn't respond on the app in a timely manner (2 hours) after the decision has been made, I will respond for him.

and I'm questioning whether to
6) respond to crazy threads with a generic response like "Please keep all messages to direct questions related to SD12" or just ignore them
7) send her a text and certified letter from myself letting her know that she is not welcome on our property except during scheduled pickup/dropoff times according to the custody decree, and that I will call the police and report her for trespassing at any other times.

What else?

[worriedStepmom]

H's xW arrived at our house uninvited today, saw that my car was gone, then called the police and reported us for leaving kids home alone with a "violent child" (S10 had violent tantrums before being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder last year.  He is now on a successful treatment plan and is nonviolent.) 

I was home about 15 minutes after the text to H that she had called the police, so I'm pretty confident they didn't show up.  I'm hoping that since she didn't have any proof that there were even children at home, they ignored her.  [Ironically, it was S10's very first time home alone. I had taken SD12 with me on an errand and D13 is out of town.  He said he didn't hear anyone at the door, and he was under orders not to open it anyway. ]

I am absolutely livid.  She could have terrified my kid.  Depending on what she said, there's a chance CPS could show up this week to question us.

At this point, I'm almost as mad at my husband as I am at her.  His policy of sticking his head in the sand is not working.  He enforced a boundary once a few weeks ago, but then he unblocked her and has reverted to his old method of sticking his head in the sand.

Now that her crazy is potentially affecting my biokid and she has called authorities on my parenting, I think I have enough leverage to take over how this situation is handled.  It is no longer me inserting myself into their parenting dispute, it is me protecting our entire family.  Quite honestly, at this point I'm prepared to give an ultimatum of try this my way or find us a marriage counselor ASAP.

My proposed course of action will be:
0) get a Ring doorbell so that we can always see who is at the door and can answer it when the kids are home alone
1) Set up a parenting app (either Talking parents or Our Family Wizard)
2) have H send text, email, and registered letter to xW telling her all future communication will happen on the app, and he will check it 3 times a week.
3) have H block xW on his phone
4) I will handle the bulk of communication on the app, logged in as H. I will send her important papers / school messages / etc and will answer reasonable questions related to SD
5) H to still make final decisions on how to respond to xW's requests for more time (and other things that should be between parents), but if he doesn't respond on the app in a timely manner (2 hours) after the decision has been made, I will respond for him.

and I'm questioning whether to
6) respond to crazy threads with a generic response like "Please keep all messages to direct questions related to SD12" or just ignore them
7) send her a text and certified letter from myself letting her know that she is not welcome on our property except during scheduled pickup/dropoff times according to the custody decree, and that I will call the police and report her for trespassing at any other times.

What else?

[GaGrl]

What is it about our husbands that 1) they have such a difficult time setting a boundary and 2) then can't hold it.

So frustrating.

Your list looks good. I like the Ring doorbell.

Perhaps the letter needs to come from both of you?


What are the odds your husband will buy into this?

[worriedStepmom]

He is already bought into the doorbell.  So that is an easy win

I think you are right, so I wrote the letter from both of us.  He's going to object to the giant scary heading ("CRIMINAL TRESPASS WARNING") I added, so fingers crossed when I hand him the version without the scary heading he'll sign it. 

The rest...I don't know if he's going to be mad at me or relieved that I'm not giving him a choice.   I've got 4 hours to get myself into the right frame of mind to present it without anger or accusation.

[worriedStepmom]

Huh.

H came home in a good mood.  He's blocked xW again.  She's still dysregulating and threatening to come over.  I handed H my criminal trespass warning letter and he signed it immediately.  He didn't even ask me to take off the scary header.

He agreed to everything else I suggested, too.  I asked what was different about today, because I genuinely expected an argument, and he said this time I have a plan and all he has to do is agree.  Before, I presented too many choices and expected him to make a lot of decisions, and he didn't want to deal with it.  He also sees that a line was crossed today, that now she's threatening the whole family.

So he gets to busy himself picking out and installing the new doorbell, and I get to handle everything else.

[GaGrl]

Awesome!

[ForeverDad]

Before, I presented too many choices and expected him to make a lot of decisions, and he didn't want to deal with it.

Even us reasonable normal people can have behaviors that remind us of disordered people.  What your husband did partially reminded me of my ex.  My ex too has trouble with me offering choices, but her response was to reject everything.

I found that giving my ex choices triggered her.  For example, at one exchange I mentioned an upcoming exchange problem.  I think it was that a holiday and an exchange were almost side-by-side and we'd be at the exchange twice in just a matter of hours.  I had a brainstorm, offer her two favorable options, more favorable to her than what she was rolling around in her head.  Ouch, she replied, "Then I just won't bring him!"  It eventually worked out but I've always remembered that.

[worriedStepmom]

Last night was UGLY.

xW showed up again in the evening.  Only S10 and I were home.  xW said she wanted a meeting with H, me, and SD.  I handed her the letter forbidding her access to the property.  It still took me several minutes to get her off my porch; I had to pull out the phone and prepare to start dialing 9-1-1.  She pulled down the street and called the police.  They told her the letter wasn't a warrant ('cause it's not) so they couldn't arrest her (and I didn't ask them to do so).   S10 heard xW screaming insults about him, so that was fun.

xW immediately swarmed SD's phone with texts, including a video she took of me ordering her off the property.  SD was heartbroken when she got home.  She said she keeps hoping that things would calm down, and it never lasts for very long. 

It's a form of hell to have to explain to a kid that you have no real choice but to have their mom arrested if she comes back.

SD asked us how to block her mom from her phone, but she didn't actually block her yet.

H set up a TalkingParents account.  He didn't want to send a text to xW last night to let her know because he "didn't want to start anything this late".  I pointed out he had already blocked her and she was aware I'd call the police if she showed up.  We were relatively drama-proof.

Today's goals are to send screenshots of all the texts from xW to SD to SD's therapist.  Depending on what he says, I may call the lawyer and see what our legal options are to keep xW from continuing this emotional abuse via text.

[GaGrl]

Is this the extinction burst, or the beginning g of an extended extinction burst?

[worriedStepmom]

I really hope it is an extinction burst.  Both SD and H enforced their boundaries well yesterday, and she had to deal with me for the first time...and she HATES that.

I'm worried, though, that it is going to get worse, at least in terms of how she treats SD.  xW has been going through the motions to "be a better parent" because she thought if she checked a few boxes she'd get more time with SD, and she finally realized this weekend that H was not going to allow it.  She's now trying to bully SD into convincing SD's therapist that there is nothing wrong with mom, and convincing H that SD wants to see mom more.

Also, xW was also triggered this weekend because I did something with SD that xW had wanted to do (but H's weekend, and I bought the tickets 4 months before she did).

xW stopped going to therapy two months ago - right before she started appearing uninvited at our house. She claims her therapist says there is nothing wrong with her and H is gaslighting her. Her entitlement has gone through the roof.

I am worried that she is trying to force H's hand, either by coming and taking SD randomly (like   yesterday) or by causing enough problems to get him to go back to court.  xW believes that if H goes back to court, SD will tell the judge she wants to live with xW full-time again, and since SD just turned 12, xW believes the judge will be forced to agree to give SD back to her.  (xW is not going to file a custody modification herself, because that would be "putting SD in the middle".  She has stated she wants H to do it. )

[livednlearned]

So he gets to busy himself picking out and installing the new doorbell, and I get to handle everything else.

S10 heard xW screaming insults about him, so that was fun

Wow. How is he handling the aftermath of that? He did see you protecting his home. How did he respond?

It's a form of hell to have to explain to a kid that you have no real choice but to have their mom arrested if she comes back.

The first hell is having a disordered parent in the first place. The second hell is figuring out how to have a relationship with that parent. I think the third hell is when no one helps protect you.

It's awful that our kids have to experience this ugly reality so young. I'm sorry you all had to go through that. Somewhere inside, SD13 might be relieved, underneath the grief and sadness that her mom can't manage her emotions and impulses.

I may call the lawyer and see what our legal options are to keep xW from continuing this emotional abuse via text.[/quote]

I found court liked solutions that required some kind of initiative and compliance. For example, among other custody modifications, you might request that mom attends parenting classes. Or that a parenting coordinator works with mom to help her learn appropriate communication behaviors. Until mom has completed those classes, all communication will go through dad or whatever alternative.

When faced with some kind of court request, my ex was too disordered to go through the steps to complete what was expected of him.

Hopefully you won't have to go back to court, though. Maybe it's worth asking the L if you can simply block mom's texts and let her know all communication will be going through parents until further notice.

I'm pretty sure family law court hates smart phones for this reason.

[worriedStepmom]

S10 is okay now.  I've explained before that SD's mom's brain sometimes tells her stuff that isn't true, and that makes her not-very-nice act ways.  I reassured him that he's a perfectly normal and awesome kid.  He thought it was very very funny that I kicked someone off the property.  He's not used to me being that mean.
 
Sd's therapist squeezed her in this morning. He supports our banning xW from our home and recommended that we limit xW to 2 phone calls with SD per week and no texting.  (He said he would have recommended this before, but he knew we were gathering evidence and he thought that was important.)  He was very careful with his words, but made it clear he would support us further limiting xW's time with SD. 

T had me state very clearly in front of SD the reasons xW has given for all this uproar - that she wants to prove that she is healthy and correct and the rest of us are evil or wrong.  She also claims to want more time with SD, but the conversation always come back to her need for someone to validate that her choices and her version of reality are correct.  SD nodded.

xW announced on the app today that she is planning to file for a custody modification (can't do that until August, a year after the last one) to get more time and to get the ability to choose SD's therapist (H has sole mental health decisionmaking).  We were already starting to talk about next legal steps, so it is not a bad thing if she initiates.

I halfway expect that when we limit xW's ability to talk to SD at will, that xW will end up in jail or in the hospital within a month.  In that case, we'll file for emergency orders to have her limited to supervised visitation.  I don't want that scenario, but...

I feel a little more in control now because we have a plan.

[ForeverDad]

xW stopped going to therapy two months ago - right before she started appearing uninvited at our house. She claims her therapist says there is nothing wrong with her and H is gaslighting her. Her entitlement has gone through the roof.

This is a typical dilemma.  The ex claims the therapist says after a few sessions there is nothing wrong with the ex.  (Of course, no paperwork.)  Since she quit therapy, there's no point in sending a reality update to the therapist.  As I understand the policies, you can't force someone else's T to communicate with you or update you but there are probably no laws saying you can't inform the T about the ex's behaviors that almost surely haven't been fully disclosed during sessions.

[worriedStepmom]

We informed her T of specific problematic behaviors a few months ago.  T read the letter to xW, despite the letter specifically asking her not to do so, as it contained quotes from SD.  It caused a lot more drama and no good - xW started telling us that H was gaslighting shortly after that.

We talked about sending the T the screenshots of texts xW sent to SD this week, but I don't think we will.  I truly doubt it will do any good.

[worriedStepmom]

uBPDmom brought a police officer with her last night for the regularly scheduled child exchange.  We saw her car pull up and sent SD out, right on time.

The cop came to the door, with uBPDmom and SD.  I sent SD to the car "because these are adult discussions and you don't need to hear that."  uBPDmom looked visibly upset at that - probably both because I gave an instruction and mostly because she wanted SD involved.

The cop said that he wouldn't arrest uBPDmom if she comes to our house because there has been no domestic violence and she has a kid who lives here.  I clarified that I had the right to refuse to open the door if she appeared, and that I could call the police and they would remove her from the property, even if they won't arrest her.

She tried to use the cop's presence to bring up all her arguments, and I cut her off every time and brought her back to the issue at hand - she can pick up and drop off SD and otherwise she can't be here.  She lied to him several times about her reasons for coming to our house, and I corrected each one.  At one point, the cop turned to uBPDmom and told her that she had the right to speak, but H and I have an equal right not to listen.

He did say that parents have the right to show up and do a wellness check at any time, and that if we don't answer the door, she can have the police do a wellness check.  He added that if they get multiple wellness check requests from the same person in a short amount of time they figure out pretty quickly who the problem is, and that's evidence of harassment that can be used in a custody case.

I think by the time he left he understood what was going on. 

H and I had a terrific discussion afterwards.  He was so much more at ease and willing to talk than a few weeks ago.  He told me he's comfortable with me taking over (I did 98% of the talking with the officer) and he'll fill in when I need him.  We even talked through another recurring argument and found a good solution.  Then we went out and had fun together. 

Our plan is to
a) change the exchange location to a park down the street, so we can watch from our yard and not have to approach uBPDmom...and she has no excuse to be on our property. [uBPDmom suggested that the location be changed]
b) inform uBPDmom on Sunday night (once SD is home) that she's limited to 2 phone calls a week.
c) Bake cookies for the cops - now that uBPDmom has stopped being afraid of the police, and now that the officer told her she has a right to do a wellness check, we expect multiple visits from them over the next few weeks.
d) Plan my schedule so that the kids are rarely alone.  They'll go to the neighbor's rather than stay alone for an hour
e) gather the cash to pay the lawyer, because we expect a custody modification case in September (likely filed by her)
f) start organizing all of our documentation
g) wait to see what uBPDmom does next to decide what to request at the future custody modification case

My xH showed up to pick up our kids as the officer was leaving.  I gave him a quick overview of what had happened and that our kids have been reassured that their dad is always welcome here and that we are keeping them safe.  xH was a little upset at the situation, but he trusts that H and I are handling it for now.