What would you do ?

[HappyChappy]

Hi I think I know the answer to this, but just need encouragement to maybe accept it. Got a client who is soo NPD it hurts. No one will speak to him, so I must. He manged to trick my staff out of £500 , so I stated we would not release his work until he pays for it. Well he's responded by creating as much drama as possible. I could go on at great length why he fits the NPD, but he has the entitlement, delusions of grandeur the lot.

Here's the thing, from a business perspective I'd say we have a 20% chance of the money so that's £100 we're chasing and court costs would be double that so roll over and don't chase the money.

But the BPD son in me says its wrong what he does. I found out he did it to his supplier before me. He's also incredibly obnoxious , probably purposefully and I could easily nail him to the mast - but it would take up huge amounts of time and he still probably wouldn't pay. And he triggers me so much, he really is a horrible human.

Maybe I just can't admit I can no long go into battle with these slimeball ? I'm too ill these days, but I can see the manipulation, its so frustrating to accept I can't or shouldn't do anything about it. Maybe I need to pick my battles.  Any tips on squaring this off, accepting the wrong ?

[Notwendy]

We  had a business partner like that who owed us money. My H at first decided to go after it legally. This man truly felt the rules didn't apply to him and that he didn't need to pay it back. He also did this in other businesses.

The man hired a lawyer who then sent us nasty letters, threatening that we owed him money. My H hired a lawyer as well. The legal fees began to add up and so was the stress. The nasty letters kept coming and with each one there was more stress.

Finally, we considered that the amount of money it would cost to get the money back, in addition to the stress was just not worth it. The man got away with it as he did other times.

Maybe it isn't fair that he did, but I take a wider perspective. The man got money but has no integrity, no respect, and a trail of people who dislike him. What's integrity worth? A lot more, IMHO. He could take money from us, but he can't take that and he doesn't have it.

It took some time, but we realized that it wasn't worth it to go to "battle" with someone who doesn't play fair, doesn't have restraints on how far he'd go to be hurtful. It could be more stressful to try to gain back 100 pounds than to let it go.

[GaGrl]

It sounds like you'd forego the money if you could get closure on his behavior.

How critical is his patronage to your business? That is, can you get the money and then tell him you don't want his business anymore.

My husband is an independent financial advisor, and I've worked with him through "firing a client" twice. He hates it, but some of them are more trouble than they're worth.

[HappyChappy]

Thanks Notwendy, you're right. Its the fact they must win no matter what that can become dangerous.

Gagrl I formally disengaged (a month ago) but I think you are right, I'm trying to get closure on his behavior. People were scared stiff of my NPD bro and BPD mum, which allowed them to do whatever they wanted. As a child I spent so much time thinking, when someone sees their violence , then they'll believe me. Never happened, people always gave up and moved them onto their next victims. My mum could go into a shop, kick up a hell of a fuss and leave with something free, just to get rid of her. But she always convinced herself she was entitled to it, somehow. I guess its not my battle anymore, I guess this is nothing compared to my childhood. Thing is a BPD might believe it. Going no contact with my BPD, she hailed fire and wrath upon me for years latter, because no one had every defined her. How do you square these things off ?

 

[Notwendy]

I've taken a spiritual view- one that I think can apply to any religion or even if someone doesn't follow one. We use money as a value system but I also consider the characteristics that aren't defined by money like integrity.

Sort of on the lines of Karma. Not that the person will be punished for what they did, but that their actions matter and define who they are. Who do I want to be? Do I want to be a thief? A liar? No- I don't and so I should not do that. Someone who lies and steals becomes a thief and a liar. That person stole money from you- this is on him, not you. Your mother behaved poorly- it's on her. They are a product of their own behavior. By focusing on mine and who I want to be- it takes the focus off them.

If you believe in a God, then I also consider that there is a higher judge than me. Their actions count, and they will be accountable for them. I'm accountable for mine. It may look to us like they "got away" with it, but a higher judge knows what's in someone's heart and mind. Someone may steal out of desperation to support their family or for selfish reasons. We don't know the whole picture, but God does.

I think it is important to not lean towards co-dependency too much and let people take advantage of us and not have boundaries. We don't have to be the nice guy. But I do try to be the ethical guy because by doing so, I find I have better self esteem.