My step kids mom has suspected BPD

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am hoping to connect with others who can be a sounding board or have been where I am.  The birth mom of my 3 step kids is suspected by my therapist as having Borderline Personality Disorder.  Yes, a bit crazy place to here.., however after 3 years of counseling me dealing with blended family challenges it finally “clicked” for her.   The BM (birth mom) knows no boundary of any kind,  lies to kids, therapists and family members.  She is excessively moody and has random outbursts.  The kids exist to serve as a function of her.  They are not allowed to express their individual ideas.   They are supposed to act as her personal servants... all 3 kids treated very differently by her.   BM is very threatened by my existence.
I have two biological kids of my own, and respect her role as their mother.. However her lies, lack of boundaries and continued drama can get too much for me at times.  Hoping others out there.  4 hours into her audio book, and she is definitely a Queen / Witch type of BPD mom

[Renogal]

I am hoping to connect with others who can be a sounding board or have been where I am.  The birth mom of my 3 step kids is suspected by my therapist as having Borderline Personality Disorder.  Yes, a bit crazy place to here.., however after 3 years of counseling me dealing with blended family challenges it finally “clicked” for her.   The BM (birth mom) knows no boundary of any kind,  lies to kids, therapists and family members.  She is excessively moody and has random outbursts.  The kids exist to serve as a function of her.  They are not allowed to express their individual ideas.   They are supposed to act as her personal servants... all 3 kids treated very differently by her.   BM is very threatened by my existence.
I have two biological kids of my own, and respect her role as their mother.. However her lies, lack of boundaries and continued drama can get too much for me at times.  Hoping others out there.  4 hours into her audio book, and she is definitely a Queen / Witch type of BPD mom

[GaGrl]

Welcome, Renogal! You have come to the right place for help and support. There are definitely other stepmoms here who have to navigate blended families with a person with BPD in the mix. Not easy! My step-by-step are adults now, but now it is grandchildren.

What is causing you and the rest of your family the most stress right now? How old are all the children?

[Panda39]

Hi Renogal,

I want to join Gagrl and say Welcome  

I'm a stepmom too and actually discovered BPD by Googling "Chronic Lying".  I started reading and the shoe fit so to speak.  It is a bumpy ride when you share children with a BPD parent as it sounds like you already know.  If you look around this site and read the stories it's amazing how similar our stories can be.

How old are your stepkids?  What do you see as the biggest problem?  What role does your husband play?  

I can tell you that I arrived here one angry Panda (I can't believe it's been 5 years now!) my partner was separated from his undiagnosed BPD now ex-wife (uBPDxw), she was running a parental alienation campaign, the kids were spying on dad and reporting to mom, false allegations of abuse were made etc.  I also often felt that my Partner didn't have any backbone when it came to his ex.  As a couple we were great but there was a   storm churning all around us.  I won't lie there were times I considered walking away.  But I couldn't throw out the baby (my partner) with the bathwater (his drama filled family) so I stuck it out.  Discovered BPD and made my way here.  

I met my Partner 9 years ago part way through his 2 year separation/divorce his daughters were 10 and 15 at the time, they are now young ladies of 18 & 22.  When we met D15 had been Parentified...she took care of her younger sister and her adult mother, she was enmeshed with her mother, and she was the "Golden Child".  D10 was infantized (treated younger than she was), she was the scapegoat, and excluded from the relationship her sister and mom had.  Mom was the puppet master in those days.

I'm glad you've found us and decided to jump in.  There is understanding, support, information and tools to be had here.  I hope you will find the group has helpful as I have, we have a great group of stepmoms...we have a special role and a complicated role to play in the families we have chosen to become a part of.

Panda39

[kells76]

Glad you found us, Renogal!

Sounds like you've been through the wringer with your stepkids' mom. These boards are a great place to get support and understanding for your experience, and to work on skills and techniques that can help you navigate the choppy waters a little better.

The kids exist to serve as a function of her.  They are not allowed to express their individual ideas.

Yup, so true. And sad. I can relate to you on that one -- I'm a stepmom to my husband's two girls (SD11 & SD13). We're in the middle of Groundhog Day in terms of communicating about the kids and their attempts to differentiate.

When you're up for it, want to share some more about your family? Kids'/stepkids' ages? Unique struggles?

cheers;

kells76

[worriedStepmom]

I have an SD12 and D13 and S10 from my first marriage.

My existence is a major trigger to SD's mom.  H and I have been married 6 years, figured out BPD might be in the mix a year ago, and he got primary custody of SD last summer.  We're still struggling to find a good balance.   SD's mom is a waif.

How much are they children with you and your husband vs with their mom?

[Klera]

   Renogal,

Yes, welcome!  I'm a stepmom too,  (boy almost 15 and girl 16) sharing with my H's (husband's) BPD ex wife.  We've been together as a family for 9 years this summer and I dated H one year previously before I even met his kids.

There is a lot of support here.  I've found common ladies with whom have helped me.  I've posted my life here but then again I'm an open book, I just vent when I've  had enough and everyone here can relate.  So don't hesitate to reach out.  Like Panda says, you'd be surprised at the similarities between stories it shocked me, but then I also have learned so much here and I also will jump in to help others if I can.  My heart goes out to those that struggle, it can be so incredibly difficult.

Check out various venues on this site for learning.   

Cheers,
Klera