Cant take care of myself if I try to help my child

[LoveOnTheRocks]

I am particularly troubled.  My DD20 has worked a sum total of perhaps 3 months in her entire life, meaning that others have had to provide for her needs.  She is very abusive to people, particularly me.  When she calls with nowhere to go, I bring her into my home and within 24 hours, any little thing has set her off and I will describe shortly what that looks like.  The things that set her off may be inappropriate requests she makes of us, and when we don’t oblige, she goes into her rage.  She sets things down all over the place and if we ask her to pick them up and put them in her room, she goes into her rage.
Now about her rage.  It starts with loud screaming and abusive accusations. It progresses into her saying the most hurtful and destructive things she can think to say to me. I try to put distance between us to give her a chance to get a hold on herself, but she refuses this. Often I will insist at some point, usually when she has worked herself up to the point of destroying things in the house or getting violent with me.  When I go silent and shut down, she doesn’t take this well, and becomes destructive and even begins to desire physical violence.  If I lose it, due to an overwhelming desire to defend myself against her lies and outlandish accusations, I say things I can never take back, and I become, sometimes, as angry as she is.
I struggle as her mother.  On the one hand, I know she is young and needs her parents help, and I desire to give that to her.  That said, we literally cannot be together for any period of time before anything at all will set her off and the above scenario has taken place.  The police are called, as this has become the habit...or part of the drill for us being together.  Literally, this has become a “play” that gets reenacted every time, and it’s not something I want to do anymore, daughter or not. While I know she needs help and I want to help her, this has now become about me, and what my needs are.
The things she says to me, the fact that she has NO respect for my station in her life and refuses to cooperate with me as a child would with a parent, the fact that my peaceful home is turned upside down every time she enters the picture...These, and other things, have become the reason that the last few times I’ve tried to help her, I have taken the position that she simply needs to leave and not come back.  I cannot take this “play” anymore.  I cannot tolerate the need for police at my home just so that I can help her...it’s too much for me. It is too difficult, too painful, too toxic, too unhealthy...
In addition, there is the fact that she steals things out of my house and sells them for money, since she won’t do the things necessary to stabilize herself and have an income. She takes my things that she wants, (ie: hairbrush, makeup, clothes, curling iron, etc.), and makes them hers, all without asking.  If she needs a hairbrush, she takes mine out of my room withour asking, and it then becomes hers.  Then, I have no hairbrush.  This is so disruptive.
She has never been able to take responsibility for ANY of her actions.  She rewrites all things that have happened in the past, as in...if I pushed her, it was because she was pushing me, and I was defending myself.  BUT, later, her understanding of what happened is, she was simply standing and I just started pushing her.  Not true...in all cases where it got physical, she has attacked me and I (or my husband) have defended myself.  There are few occasions of this, but she relentlessly tries to accuse that we abused her when in fact, she was the one being physical and abusive and we were defending ourselves from her abuse.
She will not get a regular therapist and psychiatrist.  She has read about BPD and determined that my husband and I abuse her, and we are the reason for ALL of her issues and dysfunction.  The actual fact is her biological father had severe BPD and she inherited that gene.  During her childhood, from a very early age, we took her to doctors and psychiatrists and worked with the schools pyschologists and guidance people, and all did everything we could to raise her...and it was not easy...AT ALL.  There was constant chaos with her, but we were vigilant about helping her, working with her and all the professionals and getting her raised.  We never abused her, and were extremely focused on helping her or working through her issues all the time...it was exhausting and unrewarding on every level, and we suffered a lot due to her constant “stuff”...but abuse...no...we were the opposite of abusive, we worked tirelessly with her, and it was awful, but we did it and suffered as a result of it.  My husband turned to drinking at one point, due to all the stress...and we got him clean from that...but still, it happened because of how difficult things were.

At this point, I have taken a very painful position that because she brings so much chaos and hurt with her, every time she comes around, I don’t want her coming around.  She is only 20, and I doubt this will be the end of the story...as in, I suspect she will still be in our lives, but hopefully, not anytime soon (not likely though). 

I call this very painful because as a mother and a feeling human being, I of course love and worry about my child...but as a person, her abusiveness is so painful and disruptive to our lives, that my husband and I need peace, so that we can begin the process of healing from what has been, and learn how to enjoy a “normal” existence again.  We have been through so much that we are traumatized.  I have PTSD as a result of all the “stuff” that has gone on, and even when I think of her coming around me, I have physical anxiety within myself. 

I can do all the things recommended on this site (and I’ve been coming here and reading for at least a year, and do try to do what is advised).  BUT...if she is unwilling or does not desire to change anything or help herself or get help for herself...none of the recommendations are worth much.  At this point, it’s about self preservation for me, and that really means that for now, I cannot be around her.  One of my best friends said yesterday that she has some things to work out and work through, and she cannot do it with me, or around me.  I must send her away to find her way and actually work and learn how to take care of and support herself...and if she decides to get help and to have a good relationship with me, then she can come back into my life.  If she doesn’t decide things need to change, then I know that I would rather have no relationship with her than this toxic and very hurtful exchange that takes place now.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hi LoveOnTheRocks

As with so many of us here, yours is a sad situation indeed!  Bottom line, though, is that it will have to be YOU who will have to make changes.  Not an easy thing to do when you are a Mom who loves her child.  It is in us to want to save our children from harm.  It is in us to want to try anything to make them happy.

One thing right now that I would recommend is that you read and re-read your own post.  Let it sink in what your inner-self is saying.  Take credit for the fact that you have tried everything in your power to help her.  Be confident in knowing that you will continue to do so when you learn more or learn differently.  Your goal is to become empowered to make those changes.

Farther down this list of posts is one from JustYouWait..."Update on my 20 year old daughter, Great News, there is hope."  If you haven't read the thread, I would recommend that, too.  Granted, not all of our stories turn out the way it has for that family...but...it is a testimony to the fact that it was her, the Mom, who had to do the changing.

Your home should be your safe place and it is you who has to make it so.  I am not going to fill this post with excerpts from the one written by JustYouWait because you can read through that yourself when she writes about "property rights."

A lot of times it was fear that stopped me in my tracks when I was dealing with our daughter.   So many "what if's" scared me.  I shake my head now when I reflect back.  No matter how hard I tried to make things better, some of the "what if's" happened anyway.

I am one of the older participants on this forum.  It took me so long to start looking after myself...stop playing the role of victim to my daughter's role of bully.  As I am aging, the fear was that my daughter's verbal abuse could well turn to physical abuse.  Seems your daughter is testing the waters there, too.  That is, for sure, something that has to be nipped in the bud.

As with all the others who are participating in this forum, I am not privy to your entire story/history so I hesitate in giving advice.  Each of us has to think out our own strategies.  You are on the right path when you write, "While I know she needs help and I want to help her, this has now become about me and what my needs are."     Know that there is absolutely no need for your daughter to want to change.  She likes the pattern.  It is up to YOU to start throwing in some surprises.

You have a rocky road ahead, LoveOnTheRocks.  Hope you keep sharing as you put one foot in front of the other and feel the support from all of us here.   

((HUGS) from Huat

[Swimmy55]

Hi Loveontherocks,
Your post is very correct in that sometimes the ill adult child and the parents can't be under the same roof.  I agree with Huat in that you perhaps found your solution.  Recognizing what your needs are is paramount  We are just as important as the adult child.    We wish you every strength and please keep us posted . 

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi Love on the rocks
I can totally relate to your story. Our now 25 year old BPD son moved back home after dropping out from college with health problems
 He and his girlfriend lived with us for 3 years and it was horrible. We finally through them out when we discovered 10 pounds of weed in our basement that he was selling (illegally) Since then we have worked to make our house a safe haven.
So I get it. Enough is enough. At some point you have to act to preserve your own health and sanity. Otherwise you cant help anyone. You become another sick person. What are your plans? Are you going to tell her she has to move? Is there someplace she can go? Rooting for you.
Hugs
Faith

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Hi Faith Hope:  My daughter hasn't been in my house since the extreme outrage event last Sunday.  At that time, she took a large sum of our money and left with her boyfriend with me literally saying to her "Please dont come back!" and this was the second or third time of recent that I had said this.  She is outraged that I would ask her not to come back to my house and accuses that I am the worst person ever.  So, at this point, I think she thinks I am such a monster for feeling that way that she will try to move on with her boyfriend (and our money and his)...since they have some money between them, they plan to get a place. 

I am going to continue to read and reread the responses here.  Thanks so much to those who have replied thusfar.  I am disturbed day and night that I could actually say and feel these things towards my child, but the reality is, raising her was extremely traumatic for me, I am not recovered from even that, and every time she comes around, there's more...and more...and frankly, I just want some dang peace...and to feel ok...and not have to hear her horrendous opinions of me, which I don't get over long after her rages stop...and want to defend myself against...even after her rages stop.  I was NOT abusive...as a parent.  Sure, there were some tense times after all her constant crap at the school and coming home to rage against me day after day...but abusive...NO!  I absolutely look back and believe I did the best I could in the circumstances she CONSTANTLY created.  It was awful...and I rarely have even thrown that in her face (lately, once or twice, I have replied to all her vitriol with my opinion that raising her was an awful experience, hence why I said in my OP that I am losing it now and getting as angry as she gets).  I have been careful to understand she has a mental illness, but she is brutal to me and with me, and I'd rather not be a part of any person's life than have to be treated like how she treats me.  It's just not worth it, nomatter what title they hold in my life.

That said, and I do feel this way right now, all the way to my core, I will read the suggested "there is hope" thread.  My main reason for not reading that particular one is, I am resistant to that right now, even though, daily, I am in pain over this.  It's like, kick her out and I hurt, because I know that hurts her and it hurts me that as her mother, I am turning away...but, there is the other side of me that strongly feels like at this point, it's my only choice, because I must make the abuse of me stop. I need to feel ok and normal again...whatever that can look and feel like now, after all these years of stuff. This PTSD is real that I have and my husband does so much better than me, but I am reacting inside to even imagining that she will call or show up on my doorstep...

[PeaceMom]

LoveOTR-
I totally understand what you are expressing. You have just mustered up the energy to take control of your safety by asking her to leave so it’s much to soon for messages of hope and reconciliation. I’ve been where you are and it feels like getting a wound to stop bleeding. PTSD is common for us here. I believe we have both secondary PTSD from being exposed to what our kids put themselves thru and then Primary for being screamed at, called names, and generally treated horribly. We are all easily rattled or in my case, desensitized. I liken it to being on the front lines in battle for so long that I hardly flinch when a grenade goes off next to me. I read in your post how much you struggle with feeling of guilt about your feelings toward DD. I find myself having to do grief recovery almost daily and also Radically Accept What IS on a daily basis. Thinks can and will get better.
Please use nice, loving words toward yourself. You deserve to be your own cheerleader and best friend! Sending you a Hug !

[LoveOnTheRocks]

LoveOTR-
I find myself having to do grief recovery almost daily and also Radically Accept What IS on a daily basis.

What is this?  If there are some specific instructions for grief recovery and the other about how to accept what IS, I'd like those resources.
Thanks for the hug and input. 
My life is on stop with or without her, because I worry she'll come back and I worry she wont. 

[PeaceMom]

I’m not sure how to actually post resources here but I believe Radical Acceptance is a big part of DBT (which is the proven method to help pwBPD and their families).

Basically, it teaches mindfulness, being here, now and simply accepting the mess for what it is vs fighting it or wishing it away. DBT teaches our loved ones skills to cool down immediately when they are escalating or suicidal. Many many different options. Like take a hot bath, cold shower, put ice on neck, breath, do push ups, run around block...

But for the care givers, radically accepting what IS is the first step toward calming your brain and taking the next BEST step for you. I’m sure some of the team here will post links. It reminds me a lot of the Serenity Prayer in AA “accept the things we cannot change”. , But,  I really like the word “radical” bc I picture that meaning an active rather than passive approach.

The grieving piece is fairly simple in theory, but not in practice. Allow yourself to be really sad about the loss of some of your dreams for DD and your relationship with her and even who you believed she actually was. Feel the pain and get thru it, don’t avoid it. It helps to have a therapist or trusted friend to share this with. There are also online Grief recovery programs.

Sorry to throw all this at you and I hope I’m not coming off like a bossy, know-it-all (those people make me tired! Ha) I’m just another struggling mom, like you. There is also a new App that is out of Germany and showing great results w/BPDs and their supporters. I use it daily and it teaches these concepts. I’ll post it on next page.

[PeaceMom]

I’m back-the app is called MCT and More it’s out of University if Hamburg.

Metacognitive Training is proving to be extremely effective with these folks with low emotional thresholds and some skewed or delusional thinking. It seems to be a common theme here that the pwBPD creates their own reality to make their emotional experience line up with what’s going on. I’d love to debate with a shrink if that’s an actual delusion or simply a skewed world view. At the end of the day, who am I to judge another’s reality.
Big big hug to you!

[StressedOutDaily]

LOTR - My T has suggested taking some time each day or week to look at photos of my D when she was very little, and letting my feelings of grief surface. It has helped, it allows me to grieve the loss of the relationship I thought we would have, the loss of the person I thought D would become and at the same time I have found it is making it easier for me to feel empathy for her.

[once removed]

hi LOTR,

im sorry to hear that things have come to this.

At this point, I have taken a very painful position that because she brings so much chaos and hurt with her, every time she comes around, I don’t want her coming around.  She is only 20, and I doubt this will be the end of the story...as in, I suspect she will still be in our lives, but hopefully, not anytime soon (not likely though). 

are you thinking about this in terms of a break from each other, so to speak?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Hi and thanks to all who have contributed to this thread.
OnceRemoved, my daughter left last Sunday and has not called or contacted since.  Even before, with so much blaming me, her only "meaningful" contact was along the lines of gaining resources from us. Sometimes my husband and I really dont believe there is much genuine about our interactions with her, from her end.  There is always something material in it for her, and even so, she can't seem to tolerate us long enough to actually accomplish acquiring those things before she is raging with all the trimmings.

We just fixed her phone three weeks ago (for the umpteenth time as she can't be bothered with those cumbersome cases, and so, we fix it and literally within a few days it's broken again, and this last time they told us it had been fixed so many times they were worried it had too much damage internally and might not fix...it did, but within 48 hours, it was broken again).  All this to say her phone is so broken it may not be able to get fixed again, and since we aren't willing to do it yet again, she left with no phone and we have no way of getting in touch with her...

Right now, my husband and I think it's for the best that she experience taking care of herself.  I am in a wheelchair and have extremely limited resources, and like the story above, and so much to repair that she's destroyed at our home, my husband and I want to follow through with our current plan, which is to insist that she take the money we gave her and find herself a job and take care of herself and her needs.  As I've said, in her entire life, it is doubtful she has actually worked a collective 3 months total.  We have watched her spend all her time ruminating on her "victim" status...as everyone makes her a victim...in her opinion.  She sleeps all hours of the day and night and when up, parks in front of a television or her electronic devices.  She must work and take care of herself, and forcing her to do it is likely the best course of action, in our opinion.  This would be a far better life and lifestyle and may well actually save her life...She flirts with suicide a lot, and an idol mind is the devil's playground...so spending her days taking care of herself might be a much better fit for her.

She has attempted suicide several times, but in all cases, it's pills or illegal drugs, and people know she's doing it, so they can get her to a hospital.  The doctors diagnose that she is attention seeking and, since she refuses to sit around in a hospital and be bored, they release her within a day, every time.  They don't even talk to our family members, who have a lot we'de like to say, but she makes such a scene at these hospitals (she's been to every one in our local area), that they just want her gone as soon as possible.  She and my husband/me do think she should go to an inpatient program, but we have no money for that, and again, when she gets to the hospital, she is completely impatient and disruptive at the hospital (doesn't come across as someone wanting the help she needs), so we've never gotten far, at all, with this option.