Second Session with my new T went well

[Tsultan]

Hi there,

Some things I will be working on:

30 days no contact with exUBPDbf and that means even if he reaches out to me.  I am glad she warned me that may happen.  I will need to be prepared to not answer. 
July 27th.

I am going to read Brene' Brown's book "Daring Greatly" to help heal the shame.

I am going to talk about my shame and history of it with the people I trust.

I am going to make a list of boundaries of what I would like in my next r/s.

I knew that I was the one who reached out to him the majority of the time after he broke up with me but I had a realization of why I might be doing that.  When I was young and my mother used to give me the silent treatment I would always go to her and ask her what it is I could do to fix it for her.  I think this may have something to do with it.

The other thing she said which I already have been working on but was to be aware of negative self talk.  If the shame talk comes into mind just be curious about it and wonder where it's coming from.  She said that sometimes if we acknowledge the shame talk it can take a different form and even go away.  I do believe this.  I feel this happening already within the last two weeks of trying to get in touch with my shame.

Still really liking her and feeling really grateful to have found a good T.

Thanks for being here you guys.

 
Tsultan

[Turkish]

I am going to make a list of boundaries of what I would like in my next r/s.

What do these look like to you?  What will you tolerate and not? And what are you willing to give grace to? As my T said about dating people my age, "you're wounded.  Realize that others your age also have their own wounds."

[GaGrl]

My stepdaughter has said, "Twice, I've married the male versions of my mother.*

We've talked through this, but I am not a therapist, which is what my SD38 needs. Still, it's a huge breakthrough.

Support to you on this journey...

[Harri]

Hi TS.  That is quite the list of great things to work on.

I too used to try to reach out to anyone giving me silent treatment, even when it was done in an abusive way.  Ugh!   What helped me stop doing that was to remember how it felt to me ... I used to grovel  I began by confronting my urge to reach out and try to make amends by telling myself that, for me, it was a matter of self-respect.  I have no idea if that helps you or not though.  Just wondering what it is that you can say to help yourself fight through the urge. 

The other thing she said which I already have been working on but was to be aware of negative self talk.

this is a huge thing to work on and I am glad you will be doing so.  What sort of things do you tell yourself that are negative?

I am reallyglad your second session went so well.   

[Tsultan]

Hi Harri,   

I avoid people who dish out the silent treatment b/c it is a form of abuse.  That is how I deal with it today.  I respect if someone needs to take some time out to think and process what has happened as long as that is truly their intention but to give someone the silent treatment b/c you are purposely withdrawing your love is another story.  To be respectful, I used to tell my exH if I was upset and angry and that I needed to cool down and process before I could talk again. 

My exH is out of the picture and frankly if he gave me the silent treatment today I no longer have to live with him so it doesn't matter,  My mother has been gone for about 15 years now.  She only did that to me as a child growing up.  After I moved out and she didn't see me as much that part went away.  Actually, she was an entirely different person after I moved out.

I did have a co-worker who used to give me the silent treatment and she sat about 4 feet from me so I couldn't escape it. That was mildly bothersome but it was more like the feeling of a negative energy that she brought into the workplace.  I didn't take it so personally as much like I did with my Mom and my exH and I didn't feel responsible for her behavior or the urge to make it better for her.  I have learned that it's okay to have needs and that is okay to express them and ask for what I want.  It doesn't mean that the person has to fulfill my need but it's healthy for me to express them.  That way I am not falling into a victim role and growing resentful.

That's quite the opposite of the silent treatment.  The silent treatment is like the other person saying,  "I'm mad about something you've done but I am not going to tell you how I feel or what it is that I need you to do"  I really try to be direct b/c I know how hurtful the silent treatment is as I have experienced it so many times I refuse to behave like that.
 

[Tsultan]

GaGrl, Thank you.  That sounds like my story.  I married a male version of my mother.  And then dated one just like her after the divorce. 

It happens until we resolve that part that needs to be resolved.  My exUBPDbf has been a great teacher.

[Tsultan]

Turkish,  Sadly, it's true.  Usually, when I meet a man who hasn't been married his entire life there is a good reason for it.     It's kind of a yellow flag.

My short list:
I won't tolerate the silent treatment
I won't tolerate anyone who isn't fully self supporting financially, and emotionally
There has to be genuine kindness (this goes a long way)
No abusing drugs/alcohol or any other object
I won't tolerate anyone criticizing me
I won't tolerate being blamed for another person's behavior
I can tolerate a bad day
I won't tolerate poor hygiene
I won't accept anyone criticizing my family or my children

The problem is I have been too tolerant.  A counselor told me long ago that b/c I grew up in an abusive home it made me tolerant to abusive behavior.

Thanks for your response and asking me those questions.  It was good to give that some thought.

[GaGrl]

Be a little more specific on " not tolerating anyone criticizing me. "  To you, what is the difference between criticizing and providing constructive feedback? Where is the line where it becomes abusive vs. helpful?

Can you tell the difference?

[Turkish]

Be a little more specific on " not tolerating anyone criticizing me. "  To you, what is the difference between criticizing and providing constructive feedback? Where is the line where it becomes abusive vs. helpful?

Can you tell the difference?

This is a good question, for me as well.  I'm hyper-sensitive to criticism... in a r/s. 27 years in the corporate world with 3 companies,  and multiple bosses both female and male, I've never had any issues with this.  My ex majorly triggered me,  however, challenging me as a man (person) that I failed being one,  such that I think my fuse now is very short. Such that I'm worried that I might have little grace, that being necessary in a healthy relationship.

[Tsultan]

To you, what is the difference between criticizing and providing constructive feedback? Where is the line where it becomes abusive vs. helpful?

I love this question.  When I was writing this a friend who had a romantic interest in me came to mind.  I remember during conversation he would have this "tone" in his voice when he talked to me.  I know that "tone" can be interpreted in different ways but whenever he used the "tone" something about it made me feel uncomfortable.  Then there would be laughter as in mocking laughter in a subtle way.  That's another thing that can be interpreted in different ways.  But it made me uncomfortable enough that I did not pursue a deeper r/s with him.  He did it in such a way that I wasn't able to address it.  Plus, I wasn't in a good space at the time myself.  That's what is difficult about passive aggressive behavior.  It's hard to address sometimes.  Well, at least with my exH it was.  He used to punish me with silence whenever I would speak the truth. Ugh!  

Today for me, b/c I try to live in honesty,  I might say to someone who was acting passive aggressive towards me  "That feels passive aggressive to me" or even call them out on it and say "That's passive aggressive".  I did that to a former boss.  I am sure he did not like that I called him out on it.  But I felt better about addressing it.  Maybe he respected me after that maybe he resented me.  I don't know.  It didn't matter to me.  I needed to say it to take care of myself.  He was the type that would rip you apart behind your back.  He did it with others so I am sure he did it when I was not around.

For me, in day to day connections with my friends, I appreciate when I am not given advice or help if I didn't ask for it. That includes constructive criticism.  I try to give other people the same respect and dignity which is different from my past behavior.  

I actually get irritated now when someone gives me advice or help that I didn't ask for. (with the exception of this board b/c that's why I am here) I think that's a trigger for me.  It goes back to my mom always jumping in to figure out my problems when I was a kid.  She was ready and willing to hand out a solution or answer for me.  Her focus was always on everyone else and not on her own life.  Because of this I struggled a long time with even the simplest decisions as little as what to chose off the dinner menu.  Btw, I have no problem choosing off the dinner menu today.  Progress!    

Criticism has critical judgement involved. Constructive criticism on the other hand does not bring judgement.  It's more of an observation and it's expressed in a loving and kind thoughtful way.

My exH used to criticize me in subtle ways. I used to call them back door criticisms because I would leave the conversation feeling as though something just hit me from behind but I'm not really sure what it was and I can't really put a name to it.  It was almost done subconsciously.  For example, one time he said I would look a little better if I wore a little make up.  That's kind of saying I am not pretty.  ?  Another time he said I was solid.  Was that his way of saying I was fat?   In another example he said I should get lazor hair treatment on my face.  wth?  How about if he sews his lips shut.  

So, I am not going to tolerate that anymore.  It is damaging to my self-esteem.  I am working hard at trying to repair it from jerks like him.  

Ts