I Suspect My Mom Has BPD

[MagicMeg]

Hi everybody.

I’m 39, and have had years of my own issues with crippling anxiety and depression. My mother and I recently started therapy and I have suspected she has BPD. I’m not sure the clinical psychologist we are seeing is onto it, given how old school her thinking is (she is more interested in talking about early childhood than anything else).

And to be fair, maybe my mother doesn’t have it - I’m not a psychologist or anything. I’m have drawn my conclusions from years of my own individual therapy.

My mother terrorizes us all with her behavior and we are so dysfunctional, my father, brother, and myself have been kept hostage. My brother married someone just like her, and my first husband is a narcissist.

My concern is that this therapist is not going to be able to see her for who she is, and will be fooled like so many others. Our family needs help, especially my father who is abused daily and can’t even see how terribly he is treated. We need help and I thought we were at a point where we could be honest. My mother is incapable of being anything but defensive and will do anything to maintain this projection she has, and last session she tried to sabotage the whole thing by laying out a series of “poor choices” I made as a young child. Blame 100%, Healing 0%. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[Harri]

Hi MagicMeg and welcome to the board!  Glad you found us and decided to reach out for some support and to share.

 

Do I understand correctly that you are all in therapy together?  What sort of behaviors do you find most difficult to work with in regards to your mom's behaviors?

I hope you share more and jump into other threads.  We get it here and we all support each other as we navigate out way through to a better or at least more manageable relationship.

Again,

[MagicMeg]

Thank you so much for your response!

Yes we are in therapy together and it is a complex situation because of the relationship the therapist had with my mom prior to our working together, and I have also been in her group. My mother is hell-bent on being “perfect” and ANYTHING that threatens the façade is destabilizing for her. I was hoping we could be honest and forthcoming (part of my goal with the therapy is that we can all have honest conversations without back-channeling through my dad or avoiding her wrath) and I told her I wanted healthy communication. Everything I have given as examples of sabotage, passive-aggression, and cruelty she has met with examples of what a terrible kid I was, how it is somehow everyone else’s fault, how she is this strong, benevolent person - I am afraid the therapist buys her lies from the way she is speaking to me. You see, my mom buys everyone presents and says over-the-top nice things to people because she needs the praise, but others who have not experienced her manipulation take her as just a nice person. They don’t know what a terrorist she is when she can’t handle the intensity of her own feelings.

She told this therapist that when I was 12 I asked her, “mom, why am I such a pathological liar?” She also told this therapist that I was sexually abused and I was not. I was emotionally abused though, by her. People buy her routine though. I need this therapist to see past it to help us heal and I feel like I’m going crazy because of all mom’s lies. I don’t deserve this, and my poor father doesn’t either.

I’m going to take the afternoon to read deeper into the forum, but it seems from what I’ve read so far that being a daughter of a person with BPD is a nightmare, so I don’t feel so alone or crazy anymore. Just feeling like I need to understand more. Thank you so much for being here:

[zachira]

I am sorry for all you are going through having a mother with BPD. You feel that the therapist does not get it and see your mother for who she is. This is very possible though the therapist may be treading carefully with your mother knowing she is the one with the most problems. Certainly many therapists are not qualified to treat BPD and many think that anybody can change with the right amount of validation and therapy. People who have BPD are usually not able to change, and meaningful changes usually can only take place with individual therapy for the person with BPD. People with BPD are also very manipulative and tend to be the most charming and nicest to people outside the immediate family. I have a mother and two siblings with BPD and am often frustrated by how many people fall for the false charm, though there are people who get it from day one or with time. I admire your courage in doing family therapy. Of course, you are hoping for some positive changes in the relationship with your mother and because you are open to change, you will likely get something valuable out of the therapy even if your mother may not.