Envy and insecurity

[JNChell]

I took my boy to a park today after plan A fell through. He was disappointed after our initial plan didn’t work out. Especially after I built it up. It’s a fountain park where the water shoots out of the foundation. We showed up for that, it was out of service. My boy was disappointed, so I had to find a plan B. I did. A nice park with a petting zoo and a couple of playgrounds.

There were families in the park having cookouts and such. I didn’t really think about it until we were on our way home, but I got that ball in my throat. I can’t offer those things to my boy. It’s pretty much he and I. He’s around my good friends on occasion, but I can’t give him much more than he and I when it comes to family.

We had a great time, but I wish that I had more of a family unit for him. I wish that he and I could have those family get togethers and cookouts with extended family. Unfortunately, that isn’t possible.

We’re sitting next to each other. He’s into a movie at the moment, but it won’t always be this way.

I wish that I had more to offer my boy.

[Zabava]

JNChell,

Sounds to me like you and your son had a great day because you went the extra mile to find Plan B.   Your love for your son is all that matters.  In my experience as a mum and an educator all kids want is you.  Sitting together watching a movie...sounds lovely.

[JNChell]

Thanks, Zabava. I guess that I’m feeling guilt, which I know I shouldn’t and a bit of sadness I guess. Thank you for the validation. I imagine that you see things from every direction as an educator.

You’re right, things worked out ok. He and I have had a really nice evening. His mom is really good at extracurricular stuff. I’m not, but I’m trying. I’m ok with just hanging out and ending the day on a good note and reading him a book at bedtime. Coming up short with my son is a big fear.

[Tsultan]

JNChell,

What a bummer that fountain was broken today.  

He is lucky to have a Dad like you to take him out to a petting zoo and a playground.  And you are going to read to him!  Bonus for him! 

My T told me awhile back, families come in many different shapes and sizes. That helps me today when I start to think thoughts like you were having today. I love my kids with the best I have to offer. It sounds like you do too.  You are enough.  I am enough.

 

[JNChell]

Hey, Bluegill! It’s been a minute. I’m glad to see you. Thanks for sharing. All shapes and sizes.

I’ve got my kiddo all week and I’m afraid of not doing enough. I just want to make it count.

[yamada]

My adult children have often expressed ...'thank goodness you didnt turn out like them" I would never trade for a toxic family as hard as it is at the ,moment. You will find a family only now isnt the time.

[Tsultan]

"I would never trade for a toxic family as hard as it is at the moment."

That is a very good reality check to keep on trudging in the trenches Yamanda.

I remember after having awareness about how disfunctional my exH's family was it was hard for me to be around them.  I did not enjoy myself and struggled to be at peace.  I am sure they sensed it too.  I would continue to get together with them to support my ExH though.  When my kids were older they started to see the disfunction too.

[JNChell]

Hi, yamada. The validation that you describe and deserve, is the kind of validation that I’d like to experience. I know that that is a wrong frame of thought, but I think that I’d just like to know what meaningful validation feels like from someone that I love. I mean, from someone that really knows me. Someone that knows everything, understands, accepts the work that I put in and stays. It’s a tall order. I get that. I would be timid as well if a woman eventually explained this stuff to me. It’s heavy.

I don’t know what you mean by finding a family and now not being the time. I would like to know how that feels, or at least be close enough to see it. I could go on for a very long time, but I’ll leave it here.

[Zabava]

JNChell

I want to echo Yamada here.  I pushed a close relationship with my kids and my bpd mum and sister for years. As they got older they saw the problems and resisted seeing them.  I realize I put them through a lot of unecessary stress just to keep the peace with my family of origin.  My eldest had extreme anxiety about both sides of the extended family for a while.

My point is you are enough for your son.

[JNChell]

Speaking of anxiety, there is obviously a lot that is present when speaking about the subject at hand. Thank you both for keeping things grounded and in perspective. When I really dig my heels in and focus my thoughts, I can put myself in those shoes and understand how I can be enough. I can realize that all I really needed was one person to love me the way that I love my Son. I guess I get intimidated often. Self worth, shame and all of the BS that unfortunately goes along with this stuff. I’m in the practicing stage of overcoming those feelings. I will win in time. Thanks for being here.

[Tsultan]

JNChell,

Another thought I had... The best gift I could give my kids was to be emotionally present for them.  And to just listen to them even if I disagree.  I know they appreciate it and I can see them doing that in return.  

You are his Dad and that is a special relationship.  Try not to put so much pressure on yourself to be the perfect Dad.  There is no such thing.  

Have a wonderful week with your kiddo!  The time flies!

[JNChell]

Bluegill

[Woolspinner2000]

Hey JNChell! 

Figure it's time for me to stop by and cheer you on.   So that's the cheerleader getting things going for me. 

Your son is young, and a lot of what he needs most is as so many have already said: your time and your attention. Does he like Lego building? Video games? My son loved both, and now they have that new (forgive me if I am wrong...I haven't seen one but my son talks about them) Switch box by Nintendo that is apparently a lot of fun to play together.

I used to take my family on "Mystery Trips," and they loved them. I picked up AAA books and looked for things that they'd enjoy which had to be within a few hours of home so that we could go, take a picnic lunch, and then be back that night. Lots of fun memories and not much cost either.

It's actually wonderful that you do things different than mom. You are JNChell, and that is what he wants you to be.

 
Wools

[JNChell]

Wools  ! Thank you.

[Turkish]

You have to offer: You. And that's enough. 

"Mother is the name for 'God' on the lips and hearts of all children." -The Crow.

Why not fathers?

My kids don't see me as God, they know the difference, and I teach them. But I'm the one on earth they come to:

When S9 came to my bedroom last week, crying. He had a nightmare.  I cuddled him until morning and then he told me about it.

When S7 came in crying at 12AM due to a ransom nosebleed and I took care of her. 

When S7 came in at 2AM to my bed and I thought "whatever" and ignored her until she said several times "cuddle me!" So i did until morning when she told me she had a nightmare.

I wish I was in bed with their mom, but that isn't our reality anymore and it never will be.  This is how we are now:  single dad. I wish she was with us this past weekend to ride bikes a mile to the park, but she wasn't.  It was just the 3 of us. That's our reality.  That isn't going to change. 

The stability of the kids at this age depend upon mine. This is my, and their, reality. 

[Notwendy]

I treasured the outings with my Dad.

It seemed on weekends we were mostly with my Dad. He would take us out either to get away from BPD mom's behaviors or because she requested it. She didn't want us bothering her.

I did so many wonderful things with my Dad. They weren't group things like the cookout you described but just outings with him. He took us to parks, to museums, to the zoo, to the movies, a favorite restaurant ( didn't have to be expensive). Sometimes we just went on a drive ( I realized later these were probably times we needed to get out of the house fast.

Dad also did things with us like building models and games.

It wasn't all fun, sometimes he disciplined us too. I recall his reaction when I got a low grade in a class and he knew I could do better. It wasn't cruel or critical the way BPD mom spoke to me. He believed in my ability.

I recall him getting angry when I came home late after a date. He was looking out for me.

Don't underestimate a day in the park with your child. You are all he needs. You could try to look for more kids' activities if you are wanting more to do. Story time at libraries, music events, children's plays- these things are in the local papers. For group events maybe look at something like  scouts, 4H clubs,  or volunteer at his school for field trips or sports, or community sports where you can meet other parents. But if he's not into these things no need to do them. He's probably fine one on one with you.

[JNChell]

Hi, Turkish. I’m glad that you chimed in. I understand the reality, but wishing I was able to offer more is always on my mind. Perhaps that can be healthy if I act accordingly. RA is something that I still struggle with, but it’s getting better. I’m with you when it comes to wishing that S4’s mom was here when it seems like our Son would benefit from mutual support. Then I think about how I wasn’t able to be the parent that I wanted to be while we were under the same roof. The control was terrible. Sad, really. I miss the girl that I met, but she disappeared after our Son was born. I miss her daughter, but she’s gone from my life and won’t return. Split black. That is the reality of the situation.

I didn’t think I would ever have a child. Certainly not under these circumstances. On the bright side, I’ve learned a lot of important things about myself. The why, where and how. The how will remain a big question mark, but RA fills that void.

I am enough for my boy. I can see it when he’s with me. He might whine throughout the day, but at the end of it he touches my face and tells me that he loves me. I don’t think that I could ask for more than that.

[JNChell]

Thanks, Notwendy. I’ve been looking more into things that we can do together. I’ve been a shut-in for a while now, but he shouldn’t have to be because of me. We’re getting ready to take a simple walk around town.

You were fortunate to have a dad like that. Enabler or not, consider the situation that you were in. From a man’s POV, I guarantee that your dad was looking out for you. Men know what boys can do.

As it is, his mom has control over everything. Extracurricular activities and the like. She controls me through our child. She’s a narcissist. I’m just trying to learn how to roll with the punches. I’ve been combative with her, that doesn’t work. Limited contact is working. It’s just so odd to me that 2 people can have a child and reduce things to that. I played my part, but I also tried.

[Panda39]

Hi JNChell,

My favorite moments with my dad were usually nothing special, just running errands together.  Stopping in at Peet's coffee (one of their first locations in Berkeley) for some beans and standing in line enjoying the smell of the roasted coffee, watching the people (it was the 70's in Berkeley...lots of interesting people...hippies) and my dad getting me a stick candy.  Going to Kinko's, or out to breakfast with him and some of his cronies from UC Berkeley, learning to drive on the freeway and ending up all the way up in Sacramento.  Riding on his shoulders, going to the barbershop with him, watching him run around the house doing his best Bruce Lee impersonation after seeing "Enter the Dragon"... I adored him and loved it when I got him to myself.

I'm sure your son enjoys having you to himself, you are able to give him your undivided attention and be present for him and what he needs. It doesn't take a whole ton of people to make a happy childhood, it only takes one person that really cares for that child to create a "family".

Panda39

[JNChell]

Panda, thank you. I’ve got my boy until Friday. I haven’t been with him this long since I was with his mom. It doesn’t even seem right to not see my boy everyday. Now that it’s here, I’m a bit unsure of myself.

What you described is exactly what we’ve been doing. Running errands and hanging out.

Thank you for your words. It’s been a struggle.

[Notwendy]

My Dad was a great father when I was a child. . What I observed over time was that, he got more enabling over the years. One change was when we kids grew up and left home, and it was just the two of them. By the time I was in high school,  I was another almost adult to interact with and he also had his career. Having teenagers can be a distraction as we bring the outside world in- with our music, asking about the news, helping us with homework. BPD mom was not the singular focus.

Once we left home, it was her, 24/7 in the home.

When your child becomes school age, it's a natural step to get involved with his school- and you will meet other parents. Volunteer to chaperone on field trips, and other school clubs. Many elementary schools have a field day where parents help out. With my kids, it was more mothers than fathers, but don't let that keep you from joining in. We were always happy to have fathers help out.

[JNChell]

Thanks for the advice, Notwendy. I have thought about these things. My fear is that his mom is going to block me from being involved as much as possible. She uses our Son to control me so I need to be mindful with how I go about everything. He’s 4, and I’ve yet to go to a doctor’s appointment, a dentist appointment and even an optometrist appointment. She blocks me from all of it. I recommended getting him into play therapy because he was taking the break up pretty bad. My Sis is a psychologist and recommended it. My psychologist recommended it. His mom wouldn’t even consider it. She said I was the problem. I guess that my best bet with all of this is to keep learning and play the long game. I don’t want to end up in court. The state that I live in is brutal on father’s.

Right now, I’m doing the best that I can with the time I have with my Son. I only hope that I’m nurturing him in a way that will allow him to grow into a healthy man. As always, thanks for reaching out.

[Notwendy]

I think you are doing fine just one on one with him. It's great.

I was thinking more for you. Sometimes meeting other parents was a way for me to make friends and the kids to play. Win-win. But it can be fine just you and your son.

Just take it one step at a time. One thought- kids are cute and cuddly at 4. Not so much at 14 when they talk back to you. If his mom is dysfunctional, she may not be so happy with a kid who challenges her, like kids are prone to do. ( even good kids). You may find she's a little more willing to give you more parenting when she doesn't have total control over him at age 4.

There may also come a time when he initiates contact. Once he has access to a phone, or a computer, he can get in touch with you.

It is pretty easy to control all the aspects of a 4 year old's life, but that changes as kids get older. You have a good foundation with him and will continue to do that.

[JNChell]

  That has also been on my mind. I wonder how things will play out when he begins to develop his independence. She reacts adversely to things she can’t control. I worry about that, but also look forward to it. I don’t wish for anything bad to happen, but I see what I have to work with and what he has to work with. Just trying to prepare. All of this crap stops now if I can manage to achieve that.

I like meeting other parents. I encourage my Son to play with other kids at playgrounds. He can be shy. Coming out of my own shell, I think I’m showing him how to be more outgoing.

Notwendy, I’m sorry that I’m not asking more about you and trying to interact in that way. I so appreciate the support right now. It means a lot.

[Notwendy]

No need to apologize. We are all here to help each other.

I'm glad to encourage parents to spend time with their kids, it means a lot. And if one parent is disordered, time with the one who is more stable emotionally really makes a difference.

You are doing just that!

[JNChell]

Notwendy, it hurts so damn bad to know that the family has dissolved and to know that we’ll never be together. It’s hard to move past.

[Notwendy]

I'm sure there is grief that goes with that. Take care of yourself.

If his mother is dysfunctional, you have the opportunity to provide stability for him. I know that isn't much consolation when you are grieving but I hope you will begin to appreciate that there are still good things you can do for your son and you, but it takes time to emotionally heal from this.