How to cope when we are three?

[Jamspop]

Hi

my wife (59) is I suspect a high functioning BPD, we've been married 17 years and have an adopted daughter who is 14 now. Our daughter goes to a boarding school, so is not home a lot of the time.

During our very roller coaster marriage I have developed tactics that seem to work at avoiding the worst upsets. Trying to stay calm, not arguing or contradicting, being empathetic, putting distance between us when necessary. As such, I don't seem to be a target for her BPD outbursts - maybe I just don't matter that much to her any more? As there is only the two of us at home much of the time, we manage to keep upsets within acceptable bounds.

The same is not true for my daughter. She has just been home for a weekend from school and the rage/upset/hysteria has been off the scale. Ok, our daughter is a typical teenager and I had to discipline her for some bad behavior, which was upsetting - but she apologised and we moved on. But it was later that my wife totally lost it and had a total meltdown after a trivial comment. Raging at our daughter and then weeping uncontrollably. Daughter in tears (of frustration) too.

My question is this. My "tactics" work for the two of us, but fail completely when we are three. I want to try and calm the situation, but my wife is raging and my daughter is angry at her for the unfairness and out of proportion response. This would probably be defined as emotional abuse. In the past I have tried to protect my daughter and take the onslaught onto myself and fight back. But that just makes it all so much worse, my wife's rage escalates and she becomes out of control.

I have thought about explaining things to my daughter and explain how she could react in a way that does not inflame things - but she is just too young to understand and to be able to have the emotional control necessary. My only other tactic is to remove my daughter from the situation and wait for emotions to normalise. That works, but is not always practical. In a sense, the decision to have her go to a boarding school was in part based on wanting to solve this dilemma - and that certainly helps. But of course I want her home as much as possible and to be able to enjoy family life as much as possible when she is here.

So any thoughts, pointers?

Many thanks!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jamspop]

48 hours later and I'm just realising how deeply affected I am by this event. I am screaming inside. I feel so bad that I didn't manage to protect my daughter more. She is very resilient; she had lived with this all her life. But even so. I wish I could talk to her but she is away at school now. I want to tell her that none of this is her fault. She did nothing wrong. Her mum cannot help it. She is not evil. I feel bad for not protecting you more...

[Ozzie101]

Hi there, Jamspop!

I'm so sorry. That is a very difficult situation to have to deal with. Many other members are struggling with the same thing and I hope they'll pitch in. I commend you for wanting to protect your daughter. She's fortunate to have you.

Also, you might want to check this out:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254

It's long and not all of it may apply to you, but you might find some useful information there on coparenting with a pwBPD and on how to help children. There's a link in there to this workshop that may be particularly helpful:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203238.0

Let us know what you think!

[Jamspop]

Hi Ozzie101!

Thanks for the reply - there looks like a lot of useful info there which will take me a while to digest. What a great resource this forum is!

Cheers

[Ozzie101]

It is a great resource, isn't it? I can't tell you how helpful it's been to me.

Once you take some time to digest, please check back in and let us know what you think. And keep us posted on how you're doing.

[No-One]

  I have an adopted daughter who is 14 now. . .I have thought about explaining things to my daughter and explain how she could react in a way that does not inflame things - but she is just too young to understand and to be able to have the emotional control necessary. . .

I wish I could talk to her but she is away at school now. I want to tell her that none of this is her fault. She did nothing wrong. Her mum cannot help it. She is not evil. I feel bad for not protecting you more...

With so much technology available, why can't you reach out to your daughter and talk to her?  Phone, email, etc.

I'm thinking you may be uncomfortable broaching the subject.  How about drafting an email to your daughter, practice how you would approach her.  Maybe, share your draft here for some input.

Your 14-year old is lucky to not share genetics with her mom.  Don't let the environment and her mom's lack of emotional intelligence lead her down an unfortunate path of possibly learning and repeating the bad traits of her mother.  She needs to know what's not normal and what's not her fault.

In my opinion, fourteen is not too young to start sharing some things about her mother and to start teaching her some emotional intelligence.  I'm thinking you would be doing her a favor.  The sooner someone starts learning about boundaries and emotional management, the better.  The website link below has some great worksheets geared for adolescents. 
https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheets/relationships/adolescents

Check out the exercises for adolescents.   You might want to check them out and possibly share with your daughter, a lesson at a time. A good place to start is to work on boundaries, how to manage anger.

You might want to contact the school and see if there is some counseling available for your daughter.  The sooner you broach the subject of the problems with her mom, the better.  Professional help could be valuable in this situation.

[Jamspop]

Thanks for your input No-one, really appreciated.

You are of course right. In this day and age there are any number of ways to communicate with someone if you have the will. You suggest the reason is that I may be uncomfortable talking about this to my daughter - and there is certainly some truth to that, but I don't think it is the main one.

I have done a lot of soul searching over the weekend about your post, and my thoughts are:

You are right, my daughter does need to know more about her mother's condition, how she should respond, and how she should not pick up those behaviors herself.

I need to talk to her face to face - if I am feeling uncomfortable, it is perhaps because I feel this should not be done remotely via email or whatever.

The biggest hurdle is that our daughter is inherently open and honest with us, and with her mum especially. And her mum is inherently controlling and inquisitive of her. Anything I say to our daughter may be communicated to my wife. At the moment I am not ready to confront her with any of this, and it seems the recommendation is that one shouldn't.

I do have a degree of understanding with my daughter, such that when W has a rage, D will roll her eyes at me and I may nod in agreement (meaning, "she's having one of her turns again") - which is a secret understanding between us.

I feel I need to build on that understanding, slowly, so that the nod means "she's having one of her turns again, you are not to blame, keep calm and give her space, I am here for you...".

I have looked at the worksheets you suggested, and I am sure I can use some of the info. The cycle of abuse looked very relevant. At the moment, being new to this whole world, I am snowed under with books and articles that I need to read. But thank you again! Much appreciated!

Cheers

[guitarguy09]

Hi Jamspop,

I applaud your willingness to encounter this subject with your daughter. I have a uBPDw, and 7 y/o and 3 y/o sons. My 7 y/o definitely notices when she gets angry or sad, and he's not quite at the age where he would understand. But I try to tell him to not bring up something really sensitive like if he sees particular neighbors outside that she can't stand and had a broken friendship with. And that I told him that sometimes she just gets mad and that it's not his fault.

Good luck talking with your daughter and you are doing the right thing.

[Jamspop]

Hi guitarguy09

Thank you for your good wishes. And best of luck with your young family too. My belief is that we should put the children's well-being as the top priority, but it is so hard with such complex family dynamics going on - and also your own feelings and strong emotions which are hard to ignore. I have always had a very strong aversion to anger and my wife's anger puts me into an emotional space where it's hard to change my own programming,  never mind look out for my daughter, if you see what I mean.

All the best!

[guitarguy09]

Thank you! Yes, the children's well-being is the top priority. I am glad my w mainly waits until after they are in bed to start in on me about something. I am probably guilty of not wanting to overturn the apple cart but know I also must do that to suggest counseling and other things.