Stuck in recovery process

[Zabava]

Hi all,

I am feeling stuck.  I have accepted that I was abused as a child and I have been remembering more and more, but I cannot seem to feel anything.  The more I remember and talk about with my therapist the more anxious I feel.  I have been feeling very panicky and I can't stop thinking about all the time I have wasted feeling bad and how little time I have left.  I try to feel like it's going to be ok and I will feel better if I persevere, but it's not working.

Not sure what to do.  Any insight would be great.

[Harri]

Hi Zab. 

What do you mean when you say you don't feel anything?  You also mention feeling anxious and panicky... those are some pretty strong feelings to have.   

Have you ever heard of a feelings wheel? 

Here is one example: 

open image in a new tab to see it bigger.

Woolspinner introduced this idea to me a few years ago on this board.  This wheel shows six core feelings and as you move outward, it gets more and more specific.  I find I need to work backwards most of the time starting at the outer wheel and moving inwards to see what the core feeling is.  It helps me to know and understand what is going on for me... and then i can work on just feeling and accepting what I am feeling.  That seems like the first step before we can really move on to:

I try to feel like it's going to be ok and I will feel better if I persevere, but it's not working.

Also, sometimes, out mind just needs to slow down.  You have done so much work already and there is nothing wrong with slowing down and or taking a bit of a break.  It is healthy.

[Maya L]

Therapy can take time and be painful but is usually helpful in the end.

I feel a relief telling my therapist about bad memories, like I’m finally telling someone who listens and validates how wrong I was treated. It makes the memories a bit easier to put away. Do you feel the same sometimes?

[madeline7]

When my Dad passed away a few years ago, I had some grief counseling through the services at the chapel. I remember asking the counselor if I was normal, because I didn't think I felt anything. When we continued talking, I brought up my uBPDm, and how I felt I had to step in and make sure she was ok immediately following his passing. Just like I had always been conditioned, to take care of her needs above my own or anyone else's. I opened up and talked about my anger and resentment. And then she pointed out to me that I did indeed have feelings, lots of negative ones. And they were likely easily accessed, and underneath, there was sadness, grief, etc. It was enlightening. Sad, but eye opening. That's when I began my journey toward health, and became a member of this board.

[Zabava]

Thanks everyone for the replies.  Harri, the feelings wheel is very helpful.  Apparently I am sad and scared.  Summer is a bad time for me because I have no routine and no time to myself.  It sounds weird but I get seasonal depression and anxiety at this time of year.  I do feel like my mind is overwhelmed and I'm getting a bit manic.  I hate being so unstable.

[Turkish]

You feel anxious.  There isn't a magic pill to speed up recovery.  Taking time and space may help, even if it feels the opposite.  You deserve grace, and it might be hard to give that you yourself.

[Harri]

Hi Zab.

It makes sense that you will feel anxious when without the structure to your day that work provides for you.  I experienced the same when I had to stop working.  Work gave me structure and purpose and even though it was a high pressure setting (usually) I thrived there.  Losing that was a huge source of anxiety and depression for me (still is really though it is less now).

What can you do to get structure back in your day?  Can you volunteer at summer school or tutoring programs... or camp?  What about a whole new adventure like ... ummm... I don't know!  Stuff!    Would that help?

[Zabava]

Turkish,

What do you mean by grace?

[Turkish]

From a secular standpoint, courteous goodwill. 

From a theological standpoint, unmerited or underserved favor. 

Many of us are too busy persecuting ourselves to give ourselves grace.  Many of us think (explicitly or implicitly) that we don't deserve grace when deserving's got nothing to do with it.  The internal 'satan" ("accuser") is strong and persistent. 

[Zabava]

Thanks Turkish,

I do have a very hard time not persecuting myself for my sins of commision a d omission.  It's interesting that you mention grace...I often wish I had been raised in a religious tradition.  My mother went back to Anglicanism in her 40s but she reacted very negatively to my religious impulses.  I absorbed a lot of Christian teachings anyway and my mother talked about "free floating evil" in the world.

Anyway,  I like the idea of forgiveness and divine mercy.  I'm just not sure I deserve it.  

Do you have religious beliefs?  Forgive me if this overstepping.

I ask because I feel like I have felt some relief over the years when I have accepted/believed in some kind of divinity.  I also have had some experiences of feeling at peace which I cannot explain.  I don't know if I was just delusional but at least I felt better.

[Turkish]

I'm an evangelical Christian (Protestant, non denominational, though I did attend 2.5 years of Lutheran school).

Anyway,  I like the idea of forgiveness and divine mercy.  I'm just not sure I deserve it. 

That's the point of grace and mercy,  deserving isn't part of the equation.  God loves us more than we love ourselves, and better than we deserve.  And we are commanded to love each other, without judgement whether the other person deserves it or not. Grace and mercy are  the fruits of love. 

[Turkish]

I saw this on the Legal Board and I think it's applicable to adult kids here on the PSI board.  The father referred to is NPD.

My son believed if he did x or y or z, he could make his dad better. He could make his dad be a good dad.

And my son would then be worthy of love.

He wasn't able to articulate this, but that's essentially what he believed.

It really really messed him up.

What do you think, feel familiar?

[Zabava]

Turkish,

I have been mulling over the idea of what it would feel like to be absolved.  It would be such a relief to not feel like a bad person.  And yes it does sound familiar to me to try to make others better by changing myself. 

I feel like grace is a very important concept for me and I have come back to it again and again over the years.  Although my mum is a practicing Anglican, she always mocked and discouraged my interest in Jesus, the Goddess, Buddha, etc., as being naive.  But something in me keeps looking for a deeper meaning.  Anyway, thanks for being so respectful and kind.