NC Mother Just Contacted Me

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Background: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336338.msg13051494#msg13051494

So I have not heard from my mother in several months now.  She just contacted me out of the blue to tell me she lost her home and is living in a trailer.  Oh course since I didn't give her money its my fault. She thinks I NC her because she makes me feel guilty for everything I do (which she does).  I made it clear several months ago that I was not going to respond to her abusive comments and give her any more money.  I offered to pay for a financial planner, family therapy and both she would not take.  She said maybe I was the one who need therapy (to which I said yes that is why I am currently in therapy). 

 I also give her money (but never enough) so I stopped.  She is asking me how I feel having money but no family.  I don't response to her abusive text messages.

She told me several time to have a good life without her, she no longer wants to talk to me and that I am dead to her.  But always contacts me when she needs money or tell me how horrible I am for NC here.  She can't believe I am not talking to her.

She only reaches out to do a hate barrage, unloading her disappointment and judgement. Every message is spiteful and meant to hurt.  Every sentence has a little bark in the comment. The comments are a fishing lure to hook me into self sabotage.  Thus undoing all the progress I have made with dealing with the whole situation. 

I am becoming desensitized to the verbal abuse.  After being verbally slapped for a while, the last slap doesn't hurt as much as the first. 

I am wondering if it is worth restating if she wants to talk to me she can do it through a family therapist? Or is responding this way just adding fuel to the fire.  I know she is baiting me to say something.  This is her MO.  If I say something I am pretty she it would ignite the flame futher

[MrHT]

Background: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336338.msg13051494#msg13051494

So I have not heard from my mother in several months now.  She just contacted me out of the blue to tell me she lost her home and is living in a trailer.  Oh course since I didn't give her money its my fault. She thinks I NC her because she makes me feel guilty for everything I do (which she does).  I made it clear several months ago that I was not going to respond to her abusive comments and give her any more money.  I offered to pay for a financial planner, family therapy and both she would not take.  She said maybe I was the one who need therapy (to which I said yes that is why I am currently in therapy). 

 I also give her money (but never enough) so I stopped.  She is asking me how I feel having money but no family.  I don't response to her abusive text messages.

She told me several time to have a good life without her, she no longer wants to talk to me and that I am dead to her.  But always contacts me when she needs money or tell me how horrible I am for NC here.  She can't believe I am not talking to her.

She only reaches out to do a hate barrage, unloading her disappointment and judgement. Every message is spiteful and meant to hurt.  Every sentence has a little bark in the comment. The comments are a fishing lure to hook me into self sabotage.  Thus undoing all the progress I have made with dealing with the whole situation. 

I am becoming desensitized to the verbal abuse.  After being verbally slapped for a while, the last slap doesn't hurt as much as the first. 

I am wondering if it is worth restating if she wants to talk to me she can do it through a family therapist? Or is responding this way just adding fuel to the fire.  I know she is baiting me to say something.  This is her MO.  If I say something I am pretty she it would ignite the flame futher

[Panda39]

Hi MrHT,

Sounds like alot of FOG... https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0 

Verbal abuse...no response required.

Panda39

[Harri]

I would not respond if you are serious about not wanting to continue in the same pattern of chaos and dysfunction with your mom. 

Any attention at this point is reinforcement of bad behavior, even if the attention is negative.

Requesting again that she goes to therapy will also just inflame the situation. 

[madeline7]

In my case, my elderly widowed uBPDm seems to live for drama. She is highly anxious and crisis driven. She only knows conflict, and usually 1 of her 3 adult kids are destined to wear the black hat. She recently moved to Assisted Living (although it was her decision, she now says we put her there), and it appears she is very slowly giving up the fight. But she is going into waif mode, and either doesn't take my calls of hangs up very quickly. Each time I start to explain to her why I am setting boundaries, she tries to manipulate and here comes the FOG. It seems to be a no win situation in my case, due to her severe BPD, and having my dad enable her for 66 years. I am working on saying as little as possible, but find myself wanting to "over explain", which I feel is a trait I picked up from being hyper vigilant due to being conditioned as a child to meeting my Moms needs over everything else.

[MrHT]

I tend to go into "over explaining" or "fix mode" also.  In this case, I am in NC with uDPB mom which is not a good feeling for me.  I am also second guessing myself.  Am I a bad person?  Did I do something wrong?  Am I bad for ignoring her text messages?  Should I tell her again why I am not responding to her messages?   Should I tell her I will talk to her but only through a therapist, etc...   

The good thing is I keep all my old correspondence so I go back occasionally and see why I am setting my boundaries.   

Also my sister and her have a love / hate relationship.  They live next to each other.  Now my sister is only getting one side of the story so she thinks I am a bad person also.  She wanted money also and I said 'no' to her so that just re-enforced my badness.  Now my sister won't talk to me. 

[Harri]

Hi MrHT.

You and madeline might want to read our article titled Don't JADE  JADE stands for justify, argue, defend, explain.  When we do these things we are adding to the conflict and it can fuel circular arguments.  Often we do this in an attempt to self-soothe, an effort to take away our self-doubt, anxiety, fear, shame whatever.  

IMO, that anxiety, fear, self-doubt has two causes.  One because since childhood our role/training is often to be the fixer and caretaker of our pwBPD.  Second, when we go against our training, we feel conflict within.  So our battle is two-fold.   We have these ingrained beliefs and behaviors about us and our role and that has a huge impact on our emotions... which, unfortunately, often drive our behaviors in unhealthy ways that are disguised as heathy, the right thing, the kind thing, etc.

Does any of that resonate with either of you?

Think of Don't JADE as a guide to keeping on our side of the street.  I also see it as a way to maintain my self-respect.  See I am stubborn and I hate to beg... for me, over explaining justifying and defending crossed the line in my mind to begging.  I don't know if that applies to you or not.   I am just sharing how I look at my own behaviors and what helped me to stop cut down considerably.

[madeline7]

I agree with you Harri. That is why I said I am working on saying as little as possible. It is such a difficult process for me, and being in touch with others on this board helps to keep things in perspective. Boundaries have always been hard for me, and now that she is elderly, I find myself slipping into self doubt. She recently told me she cursed the day I was born, you think after hearing that I would go NC, or very LC. It's very challenging. But I do agree that saying less is more, otherwise it just adds fuel to the fire.

[zachira]

Madeine7,
I am responding to your mother's comment that she cursed the day you were born. That is terribly hurtful and I am sorry she said that. My mother once told me I was an accident and the way she said it was so mean. It seems mom became overwhelmed by my question about if I was a planned pregnancy. I am wondering if you mom was somehow triggered and the mean comment was just a way of letting out the overwhelming anger she felt inside and has little to do with how she feels about you. I kind of think that the mean comments can be of almost any kind, and are more about the anger inside than what is being said.
MrHT
Going NC does not have to be forever and it is really your decision whether to continue it. In my experience, it is important to reduce the contact or go no contact when being mistreated, and keep the contact limited if you do have contact because you will not likely ever get a genuine empathetic response from your mother.

[MrHT]

She lives in another state and does not live nearby.  How do you go LC if all the texts I receive from her are FOG.   She never texts me something that is not FOG.  Nothing like "how you doing" or "i'm sorry", etc.  I've been NC with her for months.  Me sending her a text of of the blue that saying "What's up" seems way out of place. 

She has not changed and she is doing nothing to change.  She doesn't think what she is doing is abnormal.  She also does not want to do family therapy.  Without any changes I can not see how conversation would consist of nothing but FOG

[Turkish]

pwBPD think they are worthless and unlovable, and some hate themselves. It sounds like she's projecting that hate.  And your sister... loving relationships shouldn't be based upon money. 

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Hi MrHT:  The last time I got a text, I opened it, scrolled down (it went forever) and I pressed delete.  I didn't want to read all that hurtful stuff.  My pwBPD is my adult daughter, but still, the hurt we experience is always so intense, and not reading all that hateful stuff felt better...like some good self care in my case.

[MrHT]

I just got another text yesterday.  Much of the same. "you have written off both your sister and me (mom)."  "At least I (mom) won't have to live with what you will have to live when we die"

The same person called me a POS when I didn't give her money.  Told me several times "your dead to me", "I don't want you in my life", "I'm done with you"  Your wife is good for nothing and has no common sense. You therapist is useless and knows nothing.

I never get a text like "How are you", "I'm sorry", "Lets work this out", etc.  Nothing.. 

She is mad because I text my sister instead of calling her when she came out of the hospital.  Yes, a call would be better but I'm not prepared for the the "collateral damage" from the conversation.  My sister only gets one side of the story and it because a bad relationship triangle (which I want to avoid).  I text my sister asking if she new I loved her and got no response. 

This emotional roller coaster is hard.  My therapist wants me to block all conversations.  I understand her point but for some reason that feels like I am giving up all hope and if something important happens I may not know about it.

I am starting to second guess/question myself.  When this happens I always look back at old conversations to understand why I am NC.

[isilme]

I know you may not be ready for this, but NC for some includes you not reading her texts. 

Not respondings is a lot easier if you don't read her comments in the first place, and the boundary of NC is to help protect you from FOG.  It is not to punish her, teach her the error of her ways.  It's simply to cut negative input in your life.  You've just silenced yourself if you are still getting and reading her comments, so your boundary has holes in it. 

I know this sounds harsh, but the goal here is to give you a break, to let you heal, grow stronger, and distance yourself from her FOG, from her manipulation, self-pity, from all the methods she's used to control you. 

No contact means both ways.  If LC still leaves you feeling hurt by her comments, you need a higher wall, even if only for a while.  NC is not something you have to set in stone forever, some people can do it or need it, some just need a break, and can better manage the relationship after they feel stronger.  I recommend putting her messages to where you don't get alerts, or making a deal with yourself you won't read them alone, you won't read them daily, set some limits to how much access her words have to you.  It's okay to only read her messages once a week, once a month, or not at all.

[Harri]

Yes to everything Isilme said above about no contact and boundaries. 

No contact works best when you work on healing and detaching emotionally to the point where her behaviors do not have such a big impact on you.