Another blowup and threats of leaving

[Perdita]

He is saying again that he wants to break up.  This time it is because the dog called him during the night to take her out - which is his responsibility to do before he gets in bed - and he didn't feel like getting up.  She very rarely calls during the night but he agreed he will take her out when she does call at night.

At some point I woke up and was surprised to find her at the foot of the bed instead of in her bed in the living room.  She never does that. I took her out, but she made a u-turn and came back in. I went to the bathroom and when I checked on her she was lying in front of the living room door again. I opened for her, but she didn't want to go out.

I went back to bed and turns out he was awake and he complained that I was making a noise.  I was quiet as can be, but the livingroom door does make a noise when opened and closed.   He was so rude about it though and pushed me with a flat hand. I told him the dog is acting strange. She was pacing around at that point. Not usual at all.  He told me to shut up.   I hate that I lay in bed too scared to move and waited until I thought he had fallen asleep before I changed sleeping position.  I did it so slow and quietly yet he was on me about it right away telling me to stop making noise. We have 2 separate mattresses on a king size base. He can't feel me moving.

Later I got up again because something felt wrong. I walked through the house with the torch and something smelled off, but I saw nothing.

Long story, in the morning after he left I stepped in urine in the other bedroom. I send him a message about it. His reply was "love you". So odd. I feel he knows it was his fault this happened.  It has never happened before.

I phoned him and I said hey why were you so rude to me last night? I told you I had gotten up because the dog was acting strange.  I thought something was wrong with her or even with the house. Next thing he was shouting down the phone.  Telling me that he doesn't have time to worry because I have to clean up a little urine.   Well, it's a lot of urine.   That wasn't my point.   It made me feel bad that he was so rude to me during the night knowing full well that something wasn't right and that he kept at it to the point that I was afraid to even move.

He just came out with "this might shock you, but I don't want this relationship ". He went on to say that he will never have female friends if he stays with me.  I told him there have only been two women I don't want him hanging out with, his ex gf and his crush of many years.  I mentioned recently in a post  that his old crush will be in town soon and he wants to hang out with her. He's been acting worse as her visit approaches.   I told him that he is going to hang out with who ever he wants and I am no longer going to stress myself about it or try to stop him.  Then he turned around and asked me what kind of woman will be ok with a guy spending time with his ex and his crush!  I can't "win" on this. I ask him not to see them and he loses it and tells me he will do what he wants. Now I tell him he can see any woman he wants and he loses it too. I told him recently too that he is going to do what he wants and I am not going to stand in his way.

It just escalated from there. He went off at me about not earning enough money.  This, as I mentioned before,  is a huge worry in my life. I don't sponge off of him though. I buy my own things etc.

He got a new car in May and was all crazy for it, but suddenly on Sunday he went to a dealership and now he wants a much more expensive car.  I don't know how he can do that when he just got this house six months ago. I do the work in and around the house,  but I don't pay rent because after six years together I am not about to help him pay for a house that is in his name alone.  I mentioned in other posts that I am trying to save up to buy my old family house straight out.  That is my security - not his house.  I can't let that slide to help pay for his house.

I just feel so confused again. I regret talking to him about last night. He really yelled at me big time and accused me of wanting to upset him before a meeting so that he will lose money! I didn't even know he was going into a meeting. At any rate, he and his company have done shady things they shouldn't have and that's on them. Not me.

On Sunday we went out of town for the day.  He was all for it until that morning when he started shouting at me before he even got up. He accused me of using him as a "taxi". I said to him, hey you are the one that wanted to get out of town too and said you couldn't wait.  We went for a special event. He was a pain the whole time.  At one point we stopped at a national memorial to my ancestors and he urinated on it.

[Cat Familiar]

Is there anything positive or supportive of you in this relationship?

[AskingWhy]

Animals are very perceptive about discord in a home.  I suspect the dog is feeling the volcano seething in your H's psyche and she is also terrified.  My uBPD H, who in his Dr. Jekyll is very loving to our pets, once flew into a rage when one of our dogs was old and dying and incontinent, and had soiled his bed.  H got out of bed, screaming at the dog, then walked over and dumped the dog out of his bed and onto the floor, pulling up the soiled bedding. To be honest, I wanted to divorce my H right then and there, but my immediate task was to console the terrified dog (who was also deaf) and assure him his father was not going to hurt him.

My H also has accused me of using him as a "taxi," and then saying he does not get appreciation for it. (I have a disability and I cannot drive at times.)  Then H will puff himself up and say what a wonderful H he is and how I abuse his kindness and generosity.  

This is the way I now deal with my H's threats of divorce.  I am at a point in my life where I have enough self esteem to no longer tolerate abuse.  I can stay in this marriage or walk away.  I have invested more than twenty years of my life with this man and I have come to the conclusion that he is an terribly sick and unhealthy man.  Yes, it is pitiable that a man who is 60 has the emotions of a toddler or a teen, but I no longer make excuses for him.

If H even starts to infer he is unhappy and wants a divorce, I beat him to the punch and say, "Then why don't you just file for divorce?  You can have me served."  If H decides to call my bluff, up to having me served and suing for divorce, I am ready with my own legal counsel, too.  

As for your not making enough money, it's clear you are not making enough money to fund his lavish needs.  I also have this issue with my H.  He is lavish with himself and his adult children, but gives only trinkets to me.  He bought a new truck and a new sports car last year to the tune of almost eighty thousand dollars.  He gives a thousand dollars at a time to his adult children for vacations and sporting goods and luxury goods for the heck of it.  (They are all almost 30.)  This reminds me of my uNPD FIL.  (He emotionally abused my H, which explains a lot.)  My FIL, in the sixty years he was married to his W, used his W as a money source.  She worked her fingers to the bone, at one time at two jobs, so he could hunt, fish and play golf.  FIL gave next to nothing to her, and spent very little on his children.  (My H is uBPD, and his brother is almost homeless due to drug and alcohol addiction.)

My H was also this way in the first year of our marriage.  His money was his money, and yet my money (from a nice job) was also his money.  I was young then, and bought myself a nice cocktail dress with my own money.  I wore it and showed him, hoping he'd be delighted.  Instead of saying, "My!  You look lovely!" H sniffed and said, "Hmm.  How much did that cost me?" as if it was all his money.  I immediately separated my finances from the joint, opened my own bank accounts, and never looked back.  This was in the first year of our marriage.  It was one of the best things I have ever done, especially when he started making divorce threats in the first year of the marriage.

The expression, "I Hate You; Don't Leave Me," (a very good book, by the way) is very true in my marriage.  My H emotionally and verbally abuses me, but he'd be lost if I ever filed for divorce.  Through the years, my increased self esteem (I had a uBPD parent) has allowed me to be on the defensive when H starts his verbal violence.  When H smashes dishes in the kitchen (with food still on them), I make sure the grandchildren and pets are safe, but I let him clean up his own mess.

Keep your self esteem high, Perdita, but also keep your pets assured that they are loved and safe.  Just as with children, they need a safe figure when your H is dysregulating.  Pets who live in chaotic homes can develop all kinds of health problems.  

[AskingWhy]

Perdita, also consult with a lawyer for your claims on the house.  Depending on the state you live in, if your H bought the house while married to you, you can still have claim to the house because he bought it with community/marital funds.  Having his name alone on the title is not enough.

Marital property and real estate is tricky, so please consult with a lawyer.  My uBPD H got crazy and bought his truck and sports car, and they are titled in his name alone, but he bought them while we were married with community money.  H also threatened to take my family business, from an inheritance and in a trust, and force me to sell it and give him half when he divorced me.  I am sure a lawyer told him he could not do this.

Look after your own interests, and your pets, and you will feel more confident.

At this point, you are living in fear.  Your H even putting a hand on you is unsettling to me.  This can easily escalate to physical violence against you.  You are fearful when you are in bed while he is sleeping. This is not a good sign at all.  I can relate to this.  For years, my H controlled me with fear and violence:  punching holes in walls, breaking dishes and furniture, etc.  This is called "symbolic" violence.  It's not directed AT you, but it's telling you, "This could be your face."  (In other words, the punched wall could be you.)  

Please take the MOSAIC domestic violence test for peace of mind.

https://www.mosaicmethod.com/

[AskingWhy]

Sorry for the additional post, but I wanted to add my uBPD H also makes an issue and then accuse me of wanting a fight.  This is called "throwing the hot potato."

My H will rip into me for just about anything (the finances, the weather, the news, etc) then when I try to defend myself (yes, I know: a form of JADE), he accuses me of wanting to start a fight.   Then he actually escalates things by ripping me further for (you guessed it) finances, the weather, the news!  It's actually quite laughable that I can predict his behaviour! 

My H is also a very light sleeper, and I think this is because BPDs are also "hypervigilant" and in a state of perpetual alertness.  (I suspect my H had a very unhappy childhood from his uNPD F.)  A tiptoeing mouse will awaken him. 

If I want to try to discuss matters with H, H will accuse me of wanting to start an argument.  He cannot simply discuss matters.

On a final note, you might want to see this thread:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=122720.0

[formflier]

  At one point we stopped at a national memorial to my ancestors and he urinated on it.

Can you clarify this...

How do you know this happened?

FF

[Perdita]

Can you clarify this...

How do you know this happened?

FF

I witnessed it and he also confirmed that's what he was doing.

AskingWhy, thanks for the helpful input. I will reply when at my desktop again. I am a challenged phone keypad typer.

[formflier]

I witnessed it and he also confirmed that's what he was doing.

This isn't something that I want to misinterpret. 

So...you were present for this or he sent you video evidence?

Can you explain this situation in a couple sentences?

FF

[Perdita]

FF

I was there. He was there with me. He said "I need to p**s". There were trees and bushes, but he chose to do it right there at the foot of the statue.

[formflier]

What is the significance of him doing that?  What (if anything) was he trying to communicate?

FF

[Perdita]

That he doesn't respect something that means a lot to me.  It was his stamp on what he thought of the trip and being my "taxi".  That's how I see it, but I didn't react.  Afterwards I only asked him if he thought that was the most dignified way for him to take a leak considering there were other people around, albeit at a distance and cars passing right by and turning in there at the corner to go to campus for an event.  He replied that he did it "right at the foot of it, not on it". I left it there. I decided not to let it spoil the fact that I was there to pay my respects.

[formflier]

That he doesn't respect something that means a lot to me.  

Did he explicitly say this or is this you reading tea leaves? 

This sounds like a memorial of some sort.  Is it a graveyard or is that the equivalent.

I'm trying to wrap my head around this...and I'm seeing someone taking a leak "next to" a headstone but not on it.  Then trying to claim it didn't splash the headstone or grave..or something like that.

On the one hand...good job jot reacting and fueling drama.   

On the other hand I'm wondering if he has heard your point of view on this and had a chance to directly respond.

This sounds like it was a hard experience.  Good job not reacting.

Best,

FF

[Perdita]

Sorry, I should have said monument (statue).  He stood right in front of it, not to the side.  He's defense was actually that he just did it at the foot of it and not ... how to put it ... he didn't aim upwards.  Afterwards we went to the graves and he was calm there and it was just us around.

He didn't have to say it was an act of disrespect.  I don't see any other way to interpret it when he could  so easily have gone a few more steps and found a tree as there were plenty of privacy for him to do so.  He was in a foul mood the moment he woke up that day, before he even got out of bed. 

[Perdita]

Animals are very perceptive about discord in a home.  I suspect the dog is feeling the volcano seething in your H's psyche and she is also terrified.  My uBPD H, who in his Dr. Jekyll is very loving to our pets, once flew into a rage when one of our dogs was old and dying and incontinent, and had soiled his bed.  H got out of bed, screaming at the dog, then walked over and dumped the dog out of his bed and onto the floor, pulling up the soiled bedding. To be honest, I wanted to divorce my H right then and there, but my immediate task was to console the terrified dog (who was also deaf) and assure him his father was not going to hurt him.

Our dog is definitely very perceptive too.  She will either hide behind me or with me when he has one of his blow ups.  Earlier this year we both ended up in the side alley outside the house to escape him.  He is very loving with her, but he is a very selfish person and will always put his needs above even hers.  

My H also has accused me of using him as a "taxi," and then saying he does not get appreciation for it. (I have a disability and I cannot drive at times.)  Then H will puff himself up and say what a wonderful H he is and how I abuse his kindness and generosity.  

We are in the same boat.  I need to rely on him too much when it comes to transport which is why I rarely get to go where I want and need to be.  What really hurts me though is when he accuses me of using him as a taxi when we are about to go or just have gone somewhere he too very much wanted to go to.  It makes the whole thing, whether or not he ever really enjoys anything.  He actually almost seems to enjoy only one thing: not getting any joy out of anything.  I have told him that it has become like a dear friend to him - this misery - that he just won't stop embracing.    

This is the way I now deal with my H's threats of divorce.  I am at a point in my life where I have enough self esteem to no longer tolerate abuse.  I can stay in this marriage or walk away.  I have invested more than twenty years of my life with this man and I have come to the conclusion that he is an terribly sick and unhealthy man.  Yes, it is pitiable that a man who is 60 has the emotions of a toddler or a teen, but I no longer make excuses for him.

You're right.  I have had to come to accept as well that I am dealing with a very sick person.  One of the things I find most frustrating though is how good he is at hiding it from others and making people think I am some nutcase.  That's one of the things I am trying to come to terms with, actually.  He definitely has narcissistic traits.  It's something I can't deny anymore.  I quite honestly have to admit that I loathe narcissists, yet here I am.

As for your not making enough money, it's clear you are not making enough money to fund his lavish needs.  I also have this issue with my H.  He is lavish with himself and his adult children, but gives only trinkets to me.  He bought a new truck and a new sports car last year to the tune of almost eighty thousand dollars.  He gives a thousand dollars at a time to his adult children for vacations and sporting goods and luxury goods for the heck of it.  (They are all almost 30.)  

It's wastefulness on their part.  Simple as that.  I feel we get blamed for their irresponsibility.  Your husband's brats should fund their own lifestyles.   I understand your frustration.

My H was also this way in the first year of our marriage.  His money was his money, and yet my money (from a nice job) was also his money.  I was young then, and bought myself a nice cocktail dress with my own money.  I wore it and showed him, hoping he'd be delighted.  Instead of saying, "My!  You look lovely!" H sniffed and said, "Hmm.  How much did that cost me?" as if it was all his money.  I immediately separated my finances from the joint, opened my own bank accounts, and never looked back.  This was in the first year of our marriage.  It was one of the best things I have ever done, especially when he started making divorce threats in the first year of the marriage.

Good for you!  I now no longer spend my hard earned cash on his house.  Screw that.  My thinking is that unless it is something I can carry out there one day and take away with me and it's something that I would want to have ... then I won't take out my wallet and buy it.  I won't, for example, pay for wall paint or wallpaper.  Last week I spend quite a bit of money on supplies for my hobby!  Not a fortune by any means, but this is money that previously would have gone into his house.  

The expression, "I Hate You; Don't Leave Me," (a very good book, by the way) is very true in my marriage.  My H emotionally and verbally abuses me, but he'd be lost if I ever filed for divorce.  Through the years, my increased self esteem (I had a uBPD parent) has allowed me to be on the defensive when H starts his verbal violence.  When H smashes dishes in the kitchen (with food still on them), I make sure the grandchildren and pets are safe, but I let him clean up his own mess.

My situation is the same. He would in fact be lost without me.  It's ironic that the woman that tried to break us up recently (the one that made a move on him) told me earlier in the year that he needs me more than I need him and that I have more power in the relationship than I realize.  

Keep your self esteem high, Perdita, but also keep your pets assured that they are loved and safe.  Just as with children, they need a safe figure when your H is dysregulating.  Pets who live in chaotic homes can develop all kinds of health problems.  

I agree, AskingWhy.

[WitzEndWife]

All of this sounds very distressing and dramatic, Perdita. How are you feeling? How is the dog today?

[Perdita]

WitzEndWife

Thanks for asking. The dog is herself again after some uncharacteristic behaviour last week. First urinating in the house for the first time ever and then later she got aggressive with a harmless stranger. I am paying extra close attention to her behavior.

I am doing ok. My mind is on becoming more independent of him. It will probably be a process that will take years, to be honest. I am working towards it none the less.

[WitzEndWife]

I'm glad you're doing okay. As mentioned in this thread, dogs can be very sensitive to human behavior, and it really seems like yours is experiencing distress over your partner's behavior. When my uBPDh starts dysregulating and getting super agitated, my senior Beagle will run upstairs and hide in the closet, and my big hound will come to me with a combo of wanting to be comforted and protecting me. I feel really guilty that they experience this, even though I've been modifying my behavior so that it doesn't happen as often.

As far as being more independent of him, the first step to that is really being able to check in with yourself and understand what you're feeling. What happens with a BPD/codependent relationship is that we get so used to ignoring our own needs and feelings and focusing on the BPD partner, that we almost are numb to our own emotions. It's like we're anesthetized in that part of our brain. By getting used to checking in with yourself, you will become more in tune with that. The more in tune you are with that, the more that matters, and then you can start setting boundaries to actually help heal your emotional self.

Do you see right now how much you're walking on eggshells around him? You're afraid to make a noise when you're taking care of the dog, you're afraid to move the bed - you're making yourself like a ghost, non-existent until he calls upon you. When we're caught up in such a "walking on eggshells" cycle, we try to make ourselves less and less, but we're human beings in reality - we're flesh and blood and bones, and feelings. We can't, in reality, walk on eggshells. We have weight and we deserve to take up the same amount of space in a room as anybody else. But you can't start ending the cycle until you start recognizing your very human feelings. You're not a ghost and you deserve to be here. 

[AskingWhy]

Perdita and WEW, our pets scatter into the house when my uBPD H dysregulates.

We had a very old little dog who slept in our bedroom.  She was deaf and incontinent, and soiled her bedding so we did laundry at least twice a day.  One night, she soiled herself, and was walking around the bedroom to escape the soiled blankets before returning to her filthy bed.  Ever touchy and on edge (neurotic and a light sleeper/hypervigilant), H awakened got out of bed in a rage, screamed like a drill sergeant at the terrified dog (at the top of his lungs), then yanked the soiled bed out from under her.  I sprang out of bed and ran to her, protecting her and raged back at my H, who was raving like a madman.

Later on, I understood H had totally dissociated when he raged at the dog in true Jekyll/Hyde fashion.  When I brought it up to him (when he was boasting at what a wonderful person he was to animals and elderly), I gave him a taste of reality by bringing this up.  He even had the nerve to try to order me never to bring it up again.  (BPDs often have deep issues of shame, and I am sure his cruelty to an innocent little dog brought him shame.)  H also raged in front of my elderly mother who had dementia and was living with us.  She broke into tears because she thought her SIL was raging due to her living with us.  What an a$$.

By the way, you may be interested in a book that deals with NPDs and BPDs by Bill Eddy.  Mr. Eddy wrote, "Splitting," a book on divorcing NPDs and BPDs and his 2018 book is called, "5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life."  It discusses PDs from antisocial to NPD and BPD.  This book even mentions divorce threats from BPDs, so I guess it's a common tactic to try to get a partner's attention.

https://www.amazon.com/Types-People-Ruin-Your-Life/dp/0143131362/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

BTW, Randi Kreger, in her Eggshells book, says the more functional a BPD person is, the more NPD he is likely to be.

Hugs to you, Perdita.  I understand what you are going through.