Taking a symbolic step to detach and it hurts

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello guys. Its been 2 months and 10 days since my ex put me in what I sadly feel is the black hole of no return. In 2yrs she has broken up with me at least 7 times the worst being Xmas morning because I called myself a fool. Who dose that PLEASE READ and who (me) stays with someone who dose that PLEASE READ.

This will be the 4th I don't want you in my life and this one she pulled out all the guns and aimed them right at all of my vulnerable spots. Its funny how even the stuff she said that wasn't true about me triggered pain because it was connected to her past hurts in some way.

I do feel hate towards myself that I lost reality for a moment and did something I thought was positive and it ended up flipping her out causing paranoia and ending us as anything. I accept now it was my fault that I put a note in her car door and I knew in the past she said she didn't like it. I have had to wrestle with owning it. The bottom line is it doesn't matter what the circumstances that led me up to that point (and she probability doesn't give a damn) the end result was a note in her car door. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

I have been going in cycles from almost getting some clarity of what the relationship was really like ,to wanting to die because I hurt her so bad to get her to write the nastiest note ever because I am a monster. It is so hard to stop focusing on her version of me and questioning if its true or not.

I have looked at the tools,lessons... and then distracted my self with more self pity. My first step is to admit I have a problem right. I have spent 2yrs and 5 months trying to make a relationship with a person who so happens to be borderline personality disordered and I/it failed. I admit that my lack of self awareness and the inability to stop some knee jerk reactions caused this last brake.

I need to face it and detach. We have been friends 12 of the 141/2 years I have known her and we have never been more than 3 months without any communication when July 22nd hits I hope that it won't be as bad because I'm starting now to detach.

[Ecan]

Hello guys. Its been 2 months and 10 days since my ex put me in what I sadly feel is the black hole of no return. In 2yrs she has broken up with me at least 7 times the worst being Xmas morning because I called myself a fool. Who dose that PLEASE READ and who (me) stays with someone who dose that PLEASE READ.

This will be the 4th I don't want you in my life and this one she pulled out all the guns and aimed them right at all of my vulnerable spots. Its funny how even the stuff she said that wasn't true about me triggered pain because it was connected to her past hurts in some way.

I do feel hate towards myself that I lost reality for a moment and did something I thought was positive and it ended up flipping her out causing paranoia and ending us as anything. I accept now it was my fault that I put a note in her car door and I knew in the past she said she didn't like it. I have had to wrestle with owning it. The bottom line is it doesn't matter what the circumstances that led me up to that point (and she probability doesn't give a damn) the end result was a note in her car door. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

I have been going in cycles from almost getting some clarity of what the relationship was really like ,to wanting to die because I hurt her so bad to get her to write the nastiest note ever because I am a monster. It is so hard to stop focusing on her version of me and questioning if its true or not.

I have looked at the tools,lessons... and then distracted my self with more self pity. My first step is to admit I have a problem right. I have spent 2yrs and 5 months trying to make a relationship with a person who so happens to be borderline personality disordered and I/it failed. I admit that my lack of self awareness and the inability to stop some knee jerk reactions caused this last brake.

I need to face it and detach. We have been friends 12 of the 141/2 years I have known her and we have never been more than 3 months without any communication when July 22nd hits I hope that it won't be as bad because I'm starting now to detach.

[once removed]

we will get through this.

what happened Ecan?

[Ecan]

My full length story is over in the "want to reverse the brake up board" I moved over here because I needed to give up on that pipe dream. Do you want resent? Because its a lot other wise.I'm still getting use to all this I usually don't participate I just read.

[totheflow]

Try not to be so hard on yourself, Ecan. I struggle with that as well. You cannot take full blame for the relationship not working. You did your best with what you had.

[Ecan]

What lead up to the end was a week prior I had contacted her by letter and asked for a face to face and she took that letter and put it in an envelop with " to the totally lost one from the one who is not playing this game anymore". So I gave up. A week passed by and I hear a voice behind me asking me a question. Its her and it freaks me out. She has a large envelop and on the outside of it has some writing and its written in 3rd person being my HP speaking. She read it to me but I was in such shock I didn't hear a word she said I remember asking her was this a trues and she didn't answer and she was gone. Basically the note said that she was a battered beaten down messenger and it took her days think to do this and that my HP is speaking through her. And she didn't desire contact. Inside the envelope was a "believe in yourself" with written inside "I love u with all that I am. All the universe is here for u. I miss u, your HP...and never ever give up."

She was driving her moms car and her mom was not in it and it got me wondering why. I had forgot I had been carrying a positive up lifting note and a letter to her of what she was asking for for over a month or so. I thought the universe may be telling me to put the letter on her car like she was going to do mine. I knew that her car was at her moms  because she was driven her moms car. So after work I put an envelop with a message written on it from me along with the letter inside and the note on the out side on her windshield.

Well hours pass and I get a feeling that I shouldn't have done it so I go back to her moms to retrieve the items. I get the envelop but I have this overwhelming urge to put the up lifting note in her car door jam and I pushed it down to where I couldn't retrieve it. I really don't know why I did that. Later it dawned on me that she had said she didn't like anything put on her car.

A few days later I go into my truck in the back yard which I seldom drove and there was a heart wrenching letter from her. I could tell she was in deep pain with how bad she trashed me.The worse thing she said that hurt was that she would rather be hated than experience my love for her.

[Ecan]

Thanks for your comment totheflow its nice to know I'm not alone. Being her friend first  did expose me to a lot of her past which was horrific and to think I hurt that vulnerable side of her can send me to a dark place.

[OutOfEgypt]

Hi Ecan,

I'm so, so sorry you're going through this.  Aside from a few years of therapy, one of the immediate things that helped me get clarity on the situation was to think about it from outside. 

• If this was happening to my children, would I be as confused about what reality is?
• If this was happening to a best friend, what would I think about their partner?
• If I had done the same thing to someone else that she did to me, how would I see it differently?

You wrote:

I have been going in cycles from almost getting some clarity of what the relationship was really like ,to wanting to die because I hurt her so bad to get her to write the nastiest note ever because I am a monster. It is so hard to stop focusing on her version of me and questioning if its true or not.

This is her brainwashing talking, not reality.  There is no such thing as "I hurt them so badly that it made them be mean to me."  We are each responsible for how we respond/react to anybody's behavior.  We have just listened to the pwBPD for so long that we've adopted their belief that everything is everyone else's fault.

This is exactly why it's good that you are getting away.  They are very adept at controlling us, and it happens through destroying that part of us that has a proper sense of right and wrong and personal boundaries.  I recently heard a wise counselor say, "Consistent confusion in a relationship is almost always a sign of manipulation."  100% true.

As I broke away from my ex, some years back, and I continued to go through therapy, the scales fell off my eyes and I realized what a hold she had on me, on my conscience, and on my ability to make value decisions.  What she was looking for, with me, was a pack-mule... someone that would carry all of her insecurities and the things she hated about herself.  Step 1 was to destroy my natural boundaries, my innate ideas of what is acceptable and what is not within our relationship, to cause confusion, to immobilize me.  It worked.  For almost a dozen years she kept me bound in chains, thinking her horrible behavior toward me, her affairs, were somehow because of my flaws and my behavior.  Everything was focused on what I did wrong, never on what she did wrong. 

[zachira]

It hurts my heart to hear how much pain you are in over detaching from your relationship. You have a long history with this woman, so do not be too hard on yourself for the time it is taking you to detach. I am wondering if you have ever been to therapy and/or might consider going. Most of us on this site, including myself, have found therapy to be extremely helpful in detaching and being able to make healthier relationships. What do you think of the feedback that members on this site have given you so far? How are you doing at this moment? Keep us posted on how you are doing. I am glad you realize you are not alone; there are many members who are/have been in a relationship that is similar to yours and can relate.

[Ecan]

Thank you OutOfEgypt for your constructive feed back.
I like your idea of looking at it from the outside like that. While reading your example with a best friend my brain did not hesitate with thinking boy that's a crazy B. That shocked me.I will do some more reflecting with your suggestions.

 What your counselor said about the constant confusion sparked my attention and that seems to fit. My ex was the only person who claimed stuff like I twisted things and didn't mean what I said she would have me not knowing what the hell I was talking about. She mostly got her way and always was one up.

I am grateful that you took the time to share it helps to hear from someone who I can relate to my friends and fam has not a clue.

I want to thank you too zachira

Thank you for your kind and validating words and taking the time to reply. I will be honest any positive feed back is so much appreciated by me and I can't express enough how constructive feed back helps me feel seen and understood. Priceless. One of the most heartbreaking things to face with being with my ex is it felt like no matter what I did she just couldn't see me.

I am now on antidepressants and I have been in therapy off and on all my life. I suffer with depression and I haven't had much luck with therapist so I gave up. With this experience and someone suggesting that now I surly have a sign above my head alerting all personality disordered folks SUCKER HERE⬇! I have hesitated but I think its time to go back because I just can't do that again.

I spent the day doing the self assessments that are with this board and boy the reality of all of it was hard to take. I admit I cried my eye balls out and felt so damaged for awhile. Now I'm a little better and realize why I was cat nip for my ex. I admit I am overwhelmed with all of this a little more than yesterday tomorrow I think I will go on the net and look for a therapist.

zachira you are appreciated.

[once removed]

I spent the day doing the self assessments that are with this board and boy the reality of all of it was hard to take.

you might consider posting your results, and opening some new threads on this board to talk about. you can get some really insightful feedback. its a lot of information to process, and then the question becomes what to do with it.

it doesnt mean we are damaged. think of it like muscle building. we can build our emotional bodies and become emotional powerhouses, stronger than ever before.

[NorseWoman]

Some hints of what is helping me, maybe they can help you too.
I have a good friend with whom I honestly talk with, she tells me as she see's it. I appreciate this altho it can be hard to hear.
I have my Coda meetings to go to (Co Dependents Anonymous)- very helpful because I want healthy relationships and am learning how.
I have this board to go to, to read and learn. It helps a lot with knowing others have gone thru similar. It gives me hope.
I have read 'Stop walking on Eggshells'. I reread the section on detaching in 'Co Dependent No More' in Beatties book.
I have initiated NC/blocking and am keeping myself busy.
I have boxed up everything she gave me and put away in a storage room.
The r/s craziness is much better.   It's like I am now driving on an
 4 lane highway with mostly courteous drivers instead of driving in a bumper car ride like one see's at a carnival.
You will get thru this.  One day at a time.

[Ecan]

Hello NorseWoman

You have given me a gift I didn't know existed and they are no words I can give to explain how grateful I am for the experience.
I am an Avoidant so reaching out to interact with other has been challenging. I have been just reading post here for a very long time and couldn't get myself to post. On May 30th her birthday I was in so much pain I found my courage and posted on the Reverse the brake up board.
I was encouraged to answer other post. Very scary 4 me.
It did help me not feel so alone but I didn't feel a connection to the community on this site. I honestly didn't know you could.
You trying to help me out after I tried to help you sparked that connection. I'm sorry if I sound weird but all of this is new to me.

Your suggestions are grate. What caught my attention the most is your suggestion for the 'Codependent no more' book. I have that book somewhere I will make it a point to dig it out and look up the part on detachment.

Thank you again and I wish you the best on you journey.