Part 2: What should I have done?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337720.0

Last night, she laid into me again.  Screaming in front of the children after three out of the four had a theater camp performance that they have been working on for six weeks.  She wouldn't let me sleep because she was yelling at me.  When I was home alone for a while last night I started to think of all the things that were running through my head.

• I'm a failure
• I'm wasn't good enough
• I didn't do all I could
• My children will hate me

I came to a point where I finally reconciled that those were all lies that I was allowing myself to believe.  If failures are like stones coming at you, I tried to pick up a shield to protect myself and built my strength to withstand it.  The stones got to be too many and too big.  Last night I realized that I can't be strong enough to shield myself from stones of failure.  I decided to put down my shield and put on my work gloves.  Instead I'll use these stones to build a foundation of something new.

Maybe that will involve my wife by my side, maybe it won't.  Right now, I need to get away from her and set up a place to care for my kids, protect them, and help them heal.  The only thing worse than going through this would be to ahve to watch any of them go through it as well when they are adults.  I need to build up my sanity before I wither away or get fired because I can't concentrate any more.  Maybe that's the first step in her journey to healing, or maybe it's not.

You're right, I'm it's not success or failure, it is a decision and it is just one point in the decision tree that never ends.  With all the nodes that lie in my future, I can't let the possible end results paralyze me into doing nothing.  I can always change direction if I'm going the wrong way.  

I'm a much better person that I was in August.  I can do this speaking truth in love and let others make their own choices without fearing their decision.

Thank you.

[Wilkinson]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337720.0

Last night, she laid into me again.  Screaming in front of the children after three out of the four had a theater camp performance that they have been working on for six weeks.  She wouldn't let me sleep because she was yelling at me.  When I was home alone for a while last night I started to think of all the things that were running through my head.

• I'm a failure
• I'm wasn't good enough
• I didn't do all I could
• My children will hate me

I came to a point where I finally reconciled that those were all lies that I was allowing myself to believe.  If failures are like stones coming at you, I tried to pick up a shield to protect myself and built my strength to withstand it.  The stones got to be too many and too big.  Last night I realized that I can't be strong enough to shield myself from stones of failure.  I decided to put down my shield and put on my work gloves.  Instead I'll use these stones to build a foundation of something new.

Maybe that will involve my wife by my side, maybe it won't.  Right now, I need to get away from her and set up a place to care for my kids, protect them, and help them heal.  The only thing worse than going through this would be to ahve to watch any of them go through it as well when they are adults.  I need to build up my sanity before I wither away or get fired because I can't concentrate any more.  Maybe that's the first step in her journey to healing, or maybe it's not.

You're right, I'm it's not success or failure, it is a decision and it is just one point in the decision tree that never ends.  With all the nodes that lie in my future, I can't let the possible end results paralyze me into doing nothing.  I can always change direction if I'm going the wrong way.  

I'm a much better person that I was in August.  I can do this speaking truth in love and let others make their own choices without fearing their decision.

Thank you.

[formflier]

Last night, she laid into me again.  

How long did you choose to participate in this?

1 min?  5 min?  2 hours?  Trying to get some context.

Solid work identifying "stinking thinking" on your part.  It's easy to to when you have someone "encouraging" those thoughts.  (boy..that was polite wasn't it)

Can you sum up the content of her message (whatever she was screaming about) in a sentence or two.  I find it noteworthy, but not sure it's relevant.

Sometimes people scream because they don't believe they are being heard.  Do you think your wife believes she is being heard?  (clarity..not suggesting screaming is ok.  I'm trying to get a handle on the dynamic in your marriage.)

Best,

FF

[Wilkinson]

I think it lasted for an hour and a half.  However, early on I was trying to walk away, but she would keep blocking me.  I sleep on the couch so I was getting ready to go to "bed", but she had to do something in  the adjacent kitchen and would kept turning all the lights back on while I laid there.  She kept coming over to me to yell, she would bring a glass of water and threaten if I didn't open my eyes and look at her, she would dump the water on me.  

What every argument usually ends up to is some stuff that happened in January and February.  Trying to save us from a divorce I did some things that I thought would help.  She got angry about it, but demands that I confess to doing it as malicious, vindictive acts.  I've tried to validate that I can see why she might think that, but I was not trying to be hurtful.  I'd have to start a whole new thread to really get into the details on it.

I am doing my absolute best to make sure she is being heard.  Sometimes it's hard because things go in circles that I get confused.  Since she has been bringing up the stuff earlier this year, I've tried every which way to communicate back to her to make sure she is heard.  My take on it, is that if I'm not confessing to malicious vindictiveness, than I'm in denial.  "It's just a fact!  You were being malicious.  End of story."

[formflier]

So..she was pushing you to accept her reality.  (I don't want to say details don't matter...but don't rush)

I'm much more interested in you getting a good nights sleep. 

Next..that you disengage from conversations like this in 5-10 minutes.  Eventually I'm going to say it should take you about 1 minute to discover a "circular argument" or other dysfunctional communication style...and exit.

I'm concerned about the "blocking" thing.  Have you ever called 911 on her?  Do you ever pull out your phone and be obvious about videoing...(to prove that you are not assaulting her, the aggressor..or any other things she may be claiming)

It sounds like you did not force your way past her..do not try that.

Where is your bed?  I would suggest the following plan.  When it's your bedtime..go to bed.  If she bothers you complain once or twice..offer to talk in the morning after sleep...then leave for a hotel.  Any blocking..call 911.

Is there a bedroom where you can lock the door and sleep?

This is not about making her happy..it's about you getting rest so you can think and operate at your best.

FF

[Wilkinson]

I have several video tapes of me telling her I'd like to leave the room or walk past her.  I don't have a room that I can lock that she couldn't get into.  I've been very hesitant to call 911 for just blocking.  I have read too many things about a man calling 911 because of something his wife did, and he ends up getting arrested.  She's much smaller than me, so I'm not afraid of physical danger.  I guess I also have a fear that police will show up and be like, "So...you were physically afraid of this woman?"  Again, in stuff I read, it tried to prepare men for responses like this and given the pastor and his brother in law's reaction, I'm assuming I won't be believed.  However, like you said, I can't force my way past her.  I've been lax about getting my phone out to record.  I should get better about that.  Sometimes it only made her more made and she waited until I finally put it away and dumped water on me.  The more I keep posting, the more crazy I see how this sounds.  I guess I just didn't notice how bad it was getting going through it.  I wonder if that's why people didn't believe me.  Maybe what's going on behind closed doors is crazier than what I'm realizing, and because outside of our home she seems like a really great person.  I suppose I'd have trouble believing it too.

[formflier]

Police and courts will believe objective video evidence.

This is not something you should attempt to do based on a recommendation from someone online.  You need to talk to a lawyer that regularly practices in the local court system and ask him how this will play out.  This may or may not be the same L you are considering for divorce.

I've called 911 several times.  It sucks.  Initially it's like she will be "madder" (if that is possible).

Eventually..she will likely start to understand that she can't control you..then change will happen.  We won't know exactly what will happen...

Right now..she controls you...and you are going along with it.

Explain again how you chose to sleep on the couch?  (not trying to be mean..it's time for clarity)

FF

[Notwendy]

The only thing worse than going through this would be to ahve to watch any of them go through it as well when they are adults.  I need to build up my sanity before I wither away or get fired because I can't concentrate any more.

One of the things I struggled with was why didn't my father protect us from BPD mother. He did when we were little but we were also subjected to her rages and verbal abuse. As teens, we were left on our own with her. My mother is also a small person so she can not physically harm us, but verbal abuse, screaming , emotional abuse, breaking and damaging things- she's quite capable of.

We knew what went on between them when we lived at home, but once we left home, we really didn't know much. My parents always kept mom's issues a secret and didn't let on.

Dad got old and then, eventually, he got sick and eventually passed away. I went to try to help. I had not stayed alone in my parents' home for decades. We did visit, but always with our family. Mom held it together in front of my kids on short visits.

This time, I left the kids at home. Dad was in the hospital for part of the time. I was alone at home with BPD mom for the first time probably since I left for college. It was screaming, raging, verbal abuse. I know she was stressed over the situation, but it was over the top. But that wasn't the worst thing I saw. The worst thing was seeing my mother abuse my sick, elderly father.

Eventually I had to come to terms with my own co-dependent traits and this helped me to understand his situation better. I thought he didn't stand up for me because he didn't love me enough, maybe I wasn't good enough or didn't do enough. The real reason is that- he couldn't stand up for himself. Perhaps he didn't think he was good enough or did enough for my mother.

He did more than enough for her, and for us.  He was always good enough. I hope you can believe you are good enough too.

It is up to you to decide about divorce or not. What I am urging you to do is to change the pattern- to be able to stand up for yourself in or out of a relationship. Your kids learn by observing you. You can show them that it is OK to stand up for yourself. This isn't easy- but it is something you can work on.

[formflier]

What I am urging you to do is to change the pattern- to be able to stand up for yourself 

And to realize that you can do this without your wife agreeing. 

You hold the power to change it.

FF

[Wilkinson]

My counselor told me to document everything.  She recommended that I reach out to a pastor, let them know what is going on, ask for help in confronting my wife.  Sort of like a third party to tell her that this needs to stop and she needs to get help.  My pastor said, if my wife wouldn't come in to talk to him with me, to tell his brother-in-law, who also happened to be friends of ours.  So I did.  I wasn't telling anyone else.  The pastor's brother in law, didn't believe me and said that her reactions are probably the result of my behavior.  We did go to meet our pastor who didn't want to acknowledge the abuse and tried to talk to us like a regular squabbling couple.

So back at the beginning of this thread, I mentioned that I tried to get help, sort of like an intervention and people told me that I was wrong.  Today is Tuesday, and I have not been in my house since Friday.  My wife says, that since I have not retracted my abuse allegations to the pastor and his brother in law in writing, that means I am maintaining them and can not be in the house with her.  If I show up, she said she will have no choice, but to take the kids and leave and stay in a hotel if she has to.  She has put the kids in the car and left before because I refused to just get out of the house, so it's not just a threat. 

There have been times when I think I should just go back home and if she leaves with the kids, that's her showing her hand, so to speak.  I'm afraid if I do insist on being home, even to just slip in and sleep on the couch, she will call the police or claim she needs an order of protection and put me at work on the defense.   

This just keeps getting out of hand.  She keeps escalating.  I'm afraid to stand my ground or hold fast to a boundary, because I'm genuinely concerned for how far she will take something to get her way. In order to get all my ducks in a row to leave the house and have a place of my own and enough money for a lawyer, It will take two full months.  I'm not sure what to do in the meantime when she is not making threats if I come back to the house.

[formflier]

Don't buy into her world view.

You are enabling her distorted world view.

What is she said..I'll have no choice to but spend x on y because you z?  Of course unless you do abc?

The answer to that puzzle is to keep living your life and be open to conversation.  Many times it's easier to eliminate the details...look at the dysfunctional structure.

Best,

FF

[formflier]

She makes threats because they work.

YOU determine if they "work" or not.

Do you see that?

FF