UK NHS - any point in consulting my GP?

[Jamspop]

Hi - this is a question mostly directed to members in the UK

I have been married 17 years, and have recently come to the conclusion that my wife is a pwBPD. I am in the UK and have recently been considering talking to my NHS GP about it.

At least there would a note in my medical records and maybe it would help the GP know if treating my wife in the future (although my wife hates going to the doctors and refuses to see a therapist, so why?).

On the positive side, the GP may be able to suggest support options for me (i am not in need of medication!). Also, if things deteriorated, it would be good to have my GP on my side as it were.

On the negative side, I'm not sure what a GP could do - especially as they are currently so stretched. Also I am concerned they may try to "get involved" in a bad way. I certainly wouldn't want them reaching out to my wife - that would be very counter productive, or sending in a social worker!

Last year, during a very bad period, my wife threatened suicide. She is much better now - and I don't think she is at risk - but if she went downhill again, would it be beneficial for the GP to know her history? So in addition to the above, should I tell my/her GP that she once threatened suicide? I imagine if I did, they would have to get involved, and all hell might break out here!

Sorry to be all over the place here, but it's not straightforward at all!

Thanks

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[Enabler]

I have considered it and discounted it as a bit fruitless. My wife has been taking IBS medication on and off since she was a teenager (anxiety and anger), she also takes a lot of paracetamol and Ibuprofen for headaches (anger). The red flags are there for a good GP to see.

Incidentally she did speak to the GP about me asking for a referral for my "anger issues".

What are you main struggles on a day to day basis Jamspop?

Enabler

[Jamspop]

thanks for the response Enabler!

<<Incidentally she did speak to the GP about me asking for a referral for my "anger issues".>>

I can totally relate!

Main struggles on a day to day basis?

Many days are just fine, to be honest. If life is going smoothly and she gets her own way, no one crosses her. I may be walking on egg shells a bit, or a lot, depends. After 17 years it's hard for me to identify just how much of "me" I have given up to make sure life is smooth and I don't cross her. On those days, she may become obsessive - shopping, health, our daughter's education, etc - but if she is occupied she is calm. And that is mostly ok. Unless she is hitting the credit card, that is!

However, many days are not fine. Quite often it is someone outside the family - work or school for instance - very often it is our teenage daughter being a teenager. Then I can see the anger beginning to build. Very often this manifests as long rants, or lectures directed at daughter. Then we are all walking on eggshells, not wanting to push her over the edge. More often than not, the anger is not appropriate and miss directed - blaming an innocent party. At these times she often becomes physically ill- not sure if it is always genuine - and I have to pick up the slack.

Once in a while (once a month? maybe longer) she will have a complete meltdown. Then life stops and there is shouting and uncontrollable crying, more lectures and rants. Maybe threats to leave etc.

I have developed my own tactics to minimise the impact of these outbursts - but I struggle when they are directed at my daughter and I find I have to balance protecting her and trying to calm the situation.

When things are ok, it is easy to think that this is just normal married life - making compromises, being an ear to listen to her troubles. Then she will have a meltdown and I will remember that this is not normal - I will be in shock for days and have trouble keeping the anxiety in check.

Cheers
Jamspop

[Enabler]

What does your daughter (D) make of the situation? I guess being a teenager she is trying to push away from her control which naturally brings conflict. Someone with abandonment fears (I don't know whether your wife experiences this) will react very badly to the idea of someone trying to detach from their control... especially an offspring.

What are your tactics you've developed to avoid conflict?

Enabler

[Jamspop]

That is a very complicated situation...

As for abandonment, it is not something I have considered until I became aware of BPD. But it makes a lot of sense. My W came from a large family - mum, dad, three brothers, cousins etc. All of them have abandoned her in some way - mostly when she was a teenager. She now has no family apart from mine. So I am starting to see the connection with her current personality issues. She has always had a recurrent dream about being excluded - which I would guess is the same as abandonment.

Our D also has an abandonment history. She is adopted, and her birth parents abandoned her straight after birth. She suffered with severe attachment issues when young.

My W is VERY controlling, and micro manages our D's life. She has been at boarding school for two years now. Part of my reasoning for this was to get her out of the home and the frequent rages directed at her. She has become much more independent - she had to. This has reduced my W's rages as the target of her anger - D - is less present. Also, if she starts to get angry, my D can just hang up the phone. Good for my D, obviously not so good for my W.

So the basis of my W's rages has changed. They used to be at my D's perceived "bad behavior", they are now frustration at not being so much in control. I don't think W feels abandoned by D as she is in very frequent FaceTime contact with her, although there are times when D is unavailable for some reason, and then I'm sure the abandonment kicks in.

A case in point. W has had two rages in two days. School has failed to do something reasonably important, but of course it's D's "fault" and so W gets angry at D over FaceTime. Result is, D avoids contacting us, which of course winds W up more. In the meantime I try to calm the situation and nudge W towards contacting the school about the issue and gently suggesting "it's the school's fault". Eventually the school takes action and W calms down enough to have a civil conversation with D, although she still harbors a grudge - a belief that D has been at fault. There is also a feeling that everyone else has a problem and it takes her to sort it out and it is her who suffers the most and why is her life so dreadful.

I said it was complicated... But I bet everyone here has a just as complicated story to tell!

Cheers

[Enabler]

I think you need to reframe 'abandonment'.

Abandonment is real or perceived physical or emotional pulling away... departing, disagreeing, not acknowledging, being late, not calling, having a different opinion, being happy when she is sad.

Part of you W's coping mechanism is to see other people as extensions of herself... if you loved me would _________ (think exactly the same way as me). Disagreements with your D are in essence abandonments for your W since she see's herself and D as the same entity (not literally). Your W struggles with the concept of where she ends and your D or You begin. She would ideally like to have full control over your D to avoid a) abandonment b) being told she is wrong... and when I say wrong, I mean she hears "you're wrong" in the sense of "You're entire being is wrong/bad" rather than "I disagree with you".

This piece describes the dynamic between mother and child quite well (Parenting section):

https://bpdfamily.com/content/why-we-struggle-in-relationships

I think this is a good summary of 'the rules' of BPD, helped me get into the mindset of someone with BPD traits:

www.anythingtostopthepain.com/20-rules-for-understanding-bpd/

Hope that helps getting an idea of how and why conflict hasn't ceased just because your D has physically left her, nor does the conflict persist because she has physically left her. Any kind of detachment is perceived as "abandonment".

Enabler

[Jamspop]

Thank you Enabler for posting these replies. There is a lot here to get my head around, which may take some time, but I just wanted to say how much I appreciate your posts!

Cheers

[Enabler]

Absolute pleasure.

I would encourage you to come back and post to tell us your thoughts, or read / post on other threads. It’s amazing how much I learnt just from interacting with different lines of thoughts in different threads.

Enabler

[AND-01]

Hi Jamspop,

I've discussed my wife's condition with our GP. Initially this came from us both going to the GP because she was suicidal (there are other factors in this). I have had ongoing discussions with the GP and Mental Health Services and have had discussions with them over sectioning. Whilst I don't want this they are monitoring the situation and offering help.

I would say that it may be useful to have this recorded on your health record but this would only be by way of you being impacted by her actions. They would find it difficult to note her record based on your say so.

I'm lucky and have a great GP who has followed up with calls to me. His main concern is doing the best of his patient, my wife. I accept this and note that it is useful for services to be joined up. He cannot act on what I say but if the time or need comes they have something on record to assist them in helping my wife.

I have found that the Mental Health Services have been great and good to talk to. Whilst this is not something she knows I have done they do note my comments and diary records on her file for the psychiatrist.

I have young children and so liaise with Social Services a lot. They are very helpful and are offering support, our situation is classed as a level 3, one below them intervening, but have a stance of looking to help our family.

Things have been difficult with the suicide risk and have had a number of MARs raised. This goes to all the above groups and so being able to be part of the story does help.

Personally I feel that I have been supported and tried to do what I can. Knowing that I can discuss matters and that people care does make things easier for me.

My wife does not know that I have had these conversations, I'm not sure if I should tell her, but I do feel that if there is information that will help people help her if she turns to them then I have done the right thing.

[AND-01]

You mentioned that you didn't want medication but why not get a referral to a counsellor. I found this really useful as I could talk to someone about things and how to strengthen myself. I cannot understate the benefit of being able to talk to an expert. I'm in the process of getting this in place for our children just to be sure and ensure I do everything I can for them