Strategies Needed

[Depression = 72% of members]

All,

First, thank you for listening.  I recently learned of my mother's BPD diagnosis.  She is not aware of it but my wife and I starting investigating possible causes for the increasing level of irrationality.  We have found a professional psychologist that specializes in BPD and after describing experiences over the course of our marriage and my childhood, our therapist is confident diagnosing my mother as having BPD.  I have read "Understanding the BPD Mother" and it brought back a flood of bad memories but also helped me realize what is going on.  My mother is very much the witch type with some waif characteristics. 

As I have started pushing back on my mother's abuse, things have escalated rapidly and significantly.  Threats of suicide are now common and the verbal attacks are more vicious than ever.  I know that I need to find a way to not engage and not let it impact me but that pit in my stomach knowing that it is coming is awful.  Sometimes it feels like it's better to just take the assault rather than wait in anticipation of it. 

I would really like to hear from others how they have broken this cycle. 

Thank you so much in advance.

[Desperate Son]

All,

First, thank you for listening.  I recently learned of my mother's BPD diagnosis.  She is not aware of it but my wife and I starting investigating possible causes for the increasing level of irrationality.  We have found a professional psychologist that specializes in BPD and after describing experiences over the course of our marriage and my childhood, our therapist is confident diagnosing my mother as having BPD.  I have read "Understanding the BPD Mother" and it brought back a flood of bad memories but also helped me realize what is going on.  My mother is very much the witch type with some waif characteristics. 

As I have started pushing back on my mother's abuse, things have escalated rapidly and significantly.  Threats of suicide are now common and the verbal attacks are more vicious than ever.  I know that I need to find a way to not engage and not let it impact me but that pit in my stomach knowing that it is coming is awful.  Sometimes it feels like it's better to just take the assault rather than wait in anticipation of it. 

I would really like to hear from others how they have broken this cycle. 

Thank you so much in advance.

[Desperate Son]

I'm sorry to "bump" this but I really need some help here.  Anyone?

[LoveOnTheRocks]

I don't have a parent with BPD, I have a child with it.  I am wondering things about your story like, do you live with your mom?  How often do you have contact with her?  I know with my child that I cannot do anything to change her behavior, I am changing mine to make the situation with me better.  Her abuses are so volatile and constant that I have actually asked for some space from her, which is not really the goal of this site, which is geared towards helping ppl in relationships do better.  I am sure at some point my child may show back up, but while my husband and I miss her right now, the distance from the constant abuse is helping my blood pressure and overall need for a peaceful existence.  It is painful, though, not seeing/knowing/talking to her.
You asked what you can do...and there will be people who suggest information on this site (articles and so forth).  I suggest finding the one on boundaries, and your working to have them for yourself. My daughter's mental illness is difficult, and on this site, everyone tells me it is me who has to change.

Also, I wanted to mention, answers aren't going to come super fast, as this board is active daily, but maybe subtype groups need a few days for those members to "check in" and it is July 4 here in the USA...so lots of people doing things with family, etc.  Hang in there...you will get feedback.

[Maya L]

I’m kind of new to this too, so not an expert but I can share what has made things better for me.

Therapy. Talking to a really good psychologist about how to deal with it. If it does not work out great with the one you have, get a new one.

The stop walking on eggshells book. Very good about how to talk and set boundaries. I’ve also heard that many liked the boundaries book.

Last year my mom threatened suicide and did other crazy stuff, but it was not something I took very serious, I felt like she was acting out. She then found out what I thought of their behavior when I grew up. I later set a bit of boundaries, or really did just not do what she expected and I made it clear in non-agressive way that I meant nothing evil with what I did. The thing was that I traveled from where I live far away and went to se my sister 1 hour away from my mom and asked if they could meet me there instead of me coming to their house (which I totally knew that she expected me to come to her house) she did not come to see me in my sisters town because she had a breakdown and stayed in bed and did not even talk with anyone for days, she also deleted the messaging app that we used to chat on. I called her, had someone put the speaker on and said that I love her. A few months later I called her and said that I did not mean anything bad by not visiting them, but that I wanted to have some time with my sister (which she would be jealous of too I guess) and that I wanted to see them, otherwise I would not have asked them to come. She was a bit rude in the call but accepted what I said. After that things started to get a bit better. We’ve messaged a bit and then later I came to stay at their house and she respected whenever I wanted to do what I wanted instead of what she expected. Although it was a bit awkward mood at times it was better than before.

It can be super hard for your mom to accept these boundaries. She is used to something else, she might not know what to do with her confusing emotions. But from what I’ve heard it usually gets bad before it gets better. Don’t expect miracles, but accept smaller improvements. Try talking in a nice, loving but firm way. And do not apologize unless you’ve done something wrong. In discussions with my therapist I’ve concluded that my mom sometimes act as a rebellious emotional teenager and that I should reason with her with that in mind and be smart, gentle and clear in my message. I’m now coming to terms that my relationship with my mom probably will never be the same, that she thinks I’m kind of evil now that I do what I want. But it’s not healthy for her or me to have the abusive situation continue. I don’t think there is a straight answer, and like LoveOnTheRocks said, it might be helpful to know more about the situation.

All the love to you, it can be painful to realize all of this about your parent and how different it could have been. We’d rather just fix them, but all we can do is to change our responses, they have to change themselves. Continue writing on the forum, it helps!

[HopinAndPrayin]

Desperate, first, I am sorry you are going through this. Being hurt by a family member is so hard and it takes a toll on us, especially when it has gone on for a long time.

I can only share the advice I got from my therapist, my ex’s therapist, Psychiatrist, and the attorney I consulted.  My parents are uBPD/covert NPD Mom and NPD Dad. My ex was a smorgasbord of dBPD, schizoaffective, TBI, and possibly DID.  The advice below worked for me with my parents regarding verbal abuse.  I was wildly ineffective trying to use the verbal abuse tools with my ex, likely because i couldn’t get the physical space away like I had with my parents, plus I wasn’t accepting what was and I wasn’t clear about what I wanted.  Or rather, I couldn’t accept that what I wanted wasn’t possible  (eg, can he be loving and caring and not have BPD so my needs can be met as well).  The suicidal threat intervention below was effective, but it took a village, and 3 years before I effectively used them with my ex. It stopped the threats within 6 weeks.

Disclaimers: It sounds prescriptive, but that’s just my writing style. I am in no way saying you should do this nor do I guarantee a positive outcome if you try it.

Suicidal ideation/threats
Advice from special needs attorney, his psychiatrist and my T overlapped on SI and suicidal threats.
Part I: Obligation to report.
When you hear suicidal threats, you have to treat it as legitimate. If you don’t, depending on where you live and your responsibilities to your parent, there may be an obligation to report and you could land in hot water at some point, should something happen, you knew and did nothing.

Part II: Consequences.
The other part is it’s the consequence of the suicidal threats.
To report, you do not need to tell your mother you are calling the psychiatric emergency room or the mental health officer or 911. I found it helpful to clarify consequences the first two times, but then went about calling directly. I clarified consequences by saying something like “you are telling me you are feeling suicidal. I am not trained to handle that kind of mental health crisis. If you are truly suicidal, we need to call the mental health officers and have you evaluated so they can get you the right support. Before I call them, I want to be clear that you are still feeling suicidal?” It was my ex when I went through this. He backed down each time. It appeared to be a way to control a conversation heading in a direction he didn’t like.

If the suicidal threats are legitimate, she gets the help she needs and you can feel safe separately that she’s getting care from people who are trained for it.
If they are not legitimate, she gets evaluated for care and over time will likely stop making the threats because of the nuisance (several hours in a psychiatric emergency room or psychiatric ward) of psychiatric evaluations rather than rescuing behaviors.  
You are also creating a paper trail that helps document her behaviors as well as your actions to support her health. Should you need to take action later or need court involvement  if she becomes more unhealthy, the paper trail can help you with pursuing that course of action.

To be clear, there will be no gratitude from your mom if you take action on her suicidal threats.  You will likely be subject to escalated verbal abuse, some gaslighting, and more.  My attorney recommended making recordings of the outbursts but also the discussions to protect myself.  My situation may be different than yours in that the behaviors were worsening and I was being accused of violence and abuse.  My understanding is these types of accusations are not uncommon with BPD tho.

Verbal attacks
As for her verbal abuse towards you, the more you try to break a dysfunctional dynamic, the stronger the reactions become to try to get you back into your familiar role. I’m sure you’ve read that story about the mouse hitting the button to get cheese or a shock. Every time she hits that button, you have to have your plan in place and you have to follow it consistently. Slip up even once and it sets you back several cycles. Only you can decide what you can and can not accept. For me, it meant leaving, hanging up, giving a time out during which we would not speak, asking them to leave if they couldn’t respect my rules inside my own home, and other means of protecting myself from the abuse. It wasn’t done to penalize them or to change them, it was done to create safe space for myself.

This sounds terrible, but it’s the truth. I finally “got it” about 18 months ago when it came to training my dog. She had this habit of stomping her feet and barking at me to get me to throw her toy. I hated it because it felt like being yelled at by my teacup sized dog.  I had to ignore her when she did this and then reward her when she asked to play politely, which was almost never.  It felt hopeless. Then one day, I realized, in her little mind, she was doing what she was doing because she had learned that it worked to get her needs met.  She didn’t want to yell at me, she desperately wanted to play, to have attention.  When I ignored her, she got soo much worse for a short period of time.  I told her I wasn’t deaf, just choosing a different path.  LOL.  She was less than enthusiastic with the new path.  Then, she finally gave up because it no longer worked.  She would still sporadically try the old way and I had to be very careful when I was tired or distracted not to just throw the toy to get her to quiet down.  The vet and trainers were both very clear that you train the trainer, not the dog. It was a Eureka moment.

Later, talking with my T, I reflected on training the trainer and that because I had still been trying to get some need met by my parents, I was inconsistent in how I dealt with them. That inconsistency allowed them to get in some pretty nasty barbs and tried to hold me emotionally hostage.  If I truly accepted that my needs couldn’t be met by them and I was responsible for meeting my own needs, I was able to use consistency and good boundaries more often because I was looking out for my own needs, not trying to change their behavior.  I also inserted a 3 day rule on responding to them.  The delay allowed me to stop doing a knee jerk reaction (the tired or distracted throwing of the toy) and gave me the ability to choose a different path of self-respect.

It’s hard work but it’s worth it.  The tutorials on this site and the tactics in the books suggested here are also very helpful.  It takes a lot of focus and consistency, knowing what you want to get out of the relationship, accepting what is possible from others, and letting go of old hope (and possibly some denial?) but it can be done.  For me, the hardest part was letting go of the hope that they could be something other than who they are. 

Wishing you comfort on your journey.

[Desperate Son]

I don't have a parent with BPD, I have a child with it.  I am wondering things about your story like, do you live with your mom?  How often do you have contact with her?  I know with my child that I cannot do anything to change her behavior, I am changing mine to make the situation with me better.  Her abuses are so volatile and constant that I have actually asked for some space from her, which is not really the goal of this site, which is geared towards helping ppl in relationships do better.  I am sure at some point my child may show back up, but while my husband and I miss her right now, the distance from the constant abuse is helping my blood pressure and overall need for a peaceful existence.  It is painful, though, not seeing/knowing/talking to her.
You asked what you can do...and there will be people who suggest information on this site (articles and so forth).  I suggest finding the one on boundaries, and your working to have them for yourself. My daughter's mental illness is difficult, and on this site, everyone tells me it is me who has to change.

Also, I wanted to mention, answers aren't going to come super fast, as this board is active daily, but maybe subtype groups need a few days for those members to "check in" and it is July 4 here in the USA...so lots of people doing things with family, etc.  Hang in there...you will get feedback.

Thank you very much for sharing.  I appreciate you taking the time and now that I have set boundaries, I am trying to figure out how to get her to respect them.  I guess I have to resign myself to the fact that this is a long process.

[Desperate Son]

I’m kind of new to this too, so not an expert but I can share what has made things better for me.

Therapy. Talking to a really good psychologist about how to deal with it. If it does not work out great with the one you have, get a new one.

The stop walking on eggshells book. Very good about how to talk and set boundaries. I’ve also heard that many liked the boundaries book.

Last year my mom threatened suicide and did other crazy stuff, but it was not something I took very serious, I felt like she was acting out. She then found out what I thought of their behavior when I grew up. I later set a bit of boundaries, or really did just not do what she expected and I made it clear in non-agressive way that I meant nothing evil with what I did. The thing was that I traveled from where I live far away and went to se my sister 1 hour away from my mom and asked if they could meet me there instead of me coming to their house (which I totally knew that she expected me to come to her house) she did not come to see me in my sisters town because she had a breakdown and stayed in bed and did not even talk with anyone for days, she also deleted the messaging app that we used to chat on. I called her, had someone put the speaker on and said that I love her. A few months later I called her and said that I did not mean anything bad by not visiting them, but that I wanted to have some time with my sister (which she would be jealous of too I guess) and that I wanted to see them, otherwise I would not have asked them to come. She was a bit rude in the call but accepted what I said. After that things started to get a bit better. We’ve messaged a bit and then later I came to stay at their house and she respected whenever I wanted to do what I wanted instead of what she expected. Although it was a bit awkward mood at times it was better than before.

It can be super hard for your mom to accept these boundaries. She is used to something else, she might not know what to do with her confusing emotions. But from what I’ve heard it usually gets bad before it gets better. Don’t expect miracles, but accept smaller improvements. Try talking in a nice, loving but firm way. And do not apologize unless you’ve done something wrong. In discussions with my therapist I’ve concluded that my mom sometimes act as a rebellious emotional teenager and that I should reason with her with that in mind and be smart, gentle and clear in my message. I’m now coming to terms that my relationship with my mom probably will never be the same, that she thinks I’m kind of evil now that I do what I want. But it’s not healthy for her or me to have the abusive situation continue. I don’t think there is a straight answer, and like LoveOnTheRocks said, it might be helpful to know more about the situation.

All the love to you, it can be painful to realize all of this about your parent and how different it could have been. We’d rather just fix them, but all we can do is to change our responses, they have to change themselves. Continue writing on the forum, it helps!

Maya - thank you so much!  I finally set some boundaries and now is the process of trying to get her to respect them.  Do you have any tips on what has helped you get your boundaries respected?

[Desperate Son]

Desperate, first, I am sorry you are going through this. Being hurt by a family member is so hard and it takes a toll on us, especially when it has gone on for a long time.

I can only share the advice I got from my therapist, my ex’s therapist, Psychiatrist, and the attorney I consulted.  My parents are uBPD/covert NPD Mom and NPD Dad. My ex was a smorgasbord of dBPD, schizoaffective, TBI, and possibly DID.  The advice below worked for me with my parents regarding verbal abuse.  I was wildly ineffective trying to use the verbal abuse tools with my ex, likely because i couldn’t get the physical space away like I had with my parents, plus I wasn’t accepting what was and I wasn’t clear about what I wanted.  Or rather, I couldn’t accept that what I wanted wasn’t possible  (eg, can he be loving and caring and not have BPD so my needs can be met as well).  The suicidal threat intervention below was effective, but it took a village, and 3 years before I effectively used them with my ex. It stopped the threats within 6 weeks.

Disclaimers: It sounds prescriptive, but that’s just my writing style. I am in no way saying you should do this nor do I guarantee a positive outcome if you try it.

Suicidal ideation/threats
Advice from special needs attorney, his psychiatrist and my T overlapped on SI and suicidal threats.
Part I: Obligation to report.
When you hear suicidal threats, you have to treat it as legitimate. If you don’t, depending on where you live and your responsibilities to your parent, there may be an obligation to report and you could land in hot water at some point, should something happen, you knew and did nothing.

Part II: Consequences.
The other part is it’s the consequence of the suicidal threats.
To report, you do not need to tell your mother you are calling the psychiatric emergency room or the mental health officer or 911. I found it helpful to clarify consequences the first two times, but then went about calling directly. I clarified consequences by saying something like “you are telling me you are feeling suicidal. I am not trained to handle that kind of mental health crisis. If you are truly suicidal, we need to call the mental health officers and have you evaluated so they can get you the right support. Before I call them, I want to be clear that you are still feeling suicidal?” It was my ex when I went through this. He backed down each time. It appeared to be a way to control a conversation heading in a direction he didn’t like.

If the suicidal threats are legitimate, she gets the help she needs and you can feel safe separately that she’s getting care from people who are trained for it.
If they are not legitimate, she gets evaluated for care and over time will likely stop making the threats because of the nuisance (several hours in a psychiatric emergency room or psychiatric ward) of psychiatric evaluations rather than rescuing behaviors.  
You are also creating a paper trail that helps document her behaviors as well as your actions to support her health. Should you need to take action later or need court involvement  if she becomes more unhealthy, the paper trail can help you with pursuing that course of action.

To be clear, there will be no gratitude from your mom if you take action on her suicidal threats.  You will likely be subject to escalated verbal abuse, some gaslighting, and more.  My attorney recommended making recordings of the outbursts but also the discussions to protect myself.  My situation may be different than yours in that the behaviors were worsening and I was being accused of violence and abuse.  My understanding is these types of accusations are not uncommon with BPD tho.

Verbal attacks
As for her verbal abuse towards you, the more you try to break a dysfunctional dynamic, the stronger the reactions become to try to get you back into your familiar role. I’m sure you’ve read that story about the mouse hitting the button to get cheese or a shock. Every time she hits that button, you have to have your plan in place and you have to follow it consistently. Slip up even once and it sets you back several cycles. Only you can decide what you can and can not accept. For me, it meant leaving, hanging up, giving a time out during which we would not speak, asking them to leave if they couldn’t respect my rules inside my own home, and other means of protecting myself from the abuse. It wasn’t done to penalize them or to change them, it was done to create safe space for myself.

This sounds terrible, but it’s the truth. I finally “got it” about 18 months ago when it came to training my dog. She had this habit of stomping her feet and barking at me to get me to throw her toy. I hated it because it felt like being yelled at by my teacup sized dog.  I had to ignore her when she did this and then reward her when she asked to play politely, which was almost never.  It felt hopeless. Then one day, I realized, in her little mind, she was doing what she was doing because she had learned that it worked to get her needs met.  She didn’t want to yell at me, she desperately wanted to play, to have attention.  When I ignored her, she got soo much worse for a short period of time.  I told her I wasn’t deaf, just choosing a different path.  LOL.  She was less than enthusiastic with the new path.  Then, she finally gave up because it no longer worked.  She would still sporadically try the old way and I had to be very careful when I was tired or distracted not to just throw the toy to get her to quiet down.  The vet and trainers were both very clear that you train the trainer, not the dog. It was a Eureka moment.

Later, talking with my T, I reflected on training the trainer and that because I had still been trying to get some need met by my parents, I was inconsistent in how I dealt with them. That inconsistency allowed them to get in some pretty nasty barbs and tried to hold me emotionally hostage.  If I truly accepted that my needs couldn’t be met by them and I was responsible for meeting my own needs, I was able to use consistency and good boundaries more often because I was looking out for my own needs, not trying to change their behavior.  I also inserted a 3 day rule on responding to them.  The delay allowed me to stop doing a knee jerk reaction (the tired or distracted throwing of the toy) and gave me the ability to choose a different path of self-respect.

It’s hard work but it’s worth it.  The tutorials on this site and the tactics in the books suggested here are also very helpful.  It takes a lot of focus and consistency, knowing what you want to get out of the relationship, accepting what is possible from others, and letting go of old hope (and possibly some denial?) but it can be done.  For me, the hardest part was letting go of the hope that they could be something other than who they are. 

Wishing you comfort on your journey.

HopinandPrayin - thank you so much for the detailed response.  So much of it hit home and is great advice.  I had what I'll call a breakthrough moment on July 4th.  I anticipated my mom's behavior would ramp because I was spending time with my wife's family that day.  This is a source of much of her ire.  Instead of waiting for the call, I blocked her but failed to do so on my home phone.  She got through and I calmly and very disconnectedly (is that a word) explained that I wanted some time apart from her with no contact so I could reset my emotional and mental state - clear my head if you will.  She reacted very poorly as I expected but I held firm. 

Since that time she has not respected my wishes and has called me repeatedly (phone tells me of the blocked call) as well as called my wife and now members of my wife's family. 

I am talking to a therapist that specializes in BPD and it helps.  I am weary already and this journey hasn't even really started.  I would love to hear how you keep the thoughts from invading your life.  I am tired of talking with my wife about this so frequently.  Not tired of talking to her about it, tired of HAVING to talk to her about it. 

Any strategies you can share?

[Methuen]

I am feeling for you.  I am not a desperate son, but a desperate daughter.  The realization that I can never have a healthy relationship with my mother, like everyone else has with their mothers, has been a really painful one.  I knew years ago that she was uBPD, but I never knew until just over a week ago, what that was going to mean for the rest of my life.  And I am just now coming to accept what it means. 
1) I have to grieve the loss of the mom I thought I had, and stop hoping for what I can never have.
2) I have to accept the mom I do have, but not her dysfunctional behaviors
3) She is not going to change.  The only thing I can control is how I respond to her.
4) I must learn to not have, or react, with emotion to her barbs and crazy bad behavior, which has always tortured me. 
   When I react to her dysfunctional words/behavior with emotion, she is rewarded.  I was told today by my counsellor that to protect myself and my own wellness, I must stop giving her the reaction.  To do that, I must see her clinically (see the disease, not a mother I want and wish for).
I have yet to put this to the test.  A number of months ago, I quit biting my nails after most of a lifetime of this nasty habit.  How did I quit?  Well after biting for most of my life, I started losing pieces of my front tooth.  After my dentist repaired it for about the 8th time, I finally hit rock bottom and asked myself if I wanted to chew my nails or keep my front tooth, 'cause I couldn't have both.  And I just quit.  Used a bit of nail hardener as support.  With my uBPD mom, I am asking myself,  am I going to give in to her disease, or am I going to look after myself (nails or tooth)?  I guess in a way, what I have to quit now is the relationship I always dreamed of having with my mother.  What I'm hoping I get in return, in the long run, is more happiness because if I let go of my hopes of a normal relationship with mom, I will be released from the pain of never getting it.  If I don't get something I don't expect, then I haven't lost anything, and it can't make me unhappy (if that makes sense). 
I have a few strategies already (listed in my post), and I'm learning an awful lot in a short period of time from the educational materials on this website; also I'm in pursuit of books to read, as I've made up my mind I'm "done" with reacting to her.  I only found this site/board a few days ago, but I've done a ton of soul searching in those few days.  For me, it's been a complete revelation that there are so many people going through what I'm going through.  Had absolutely no clue before!  I just always thought it was me.  Every story I read matches mine (sometimes word for word).  I don't really have anything to offer you, except empathy, and support.  Don't give up!   We can all root for each other as we struggle and muddle our way through this unfortunate circumstance we have found ourselves in.
 

[GaGrl]

Once you put boundaries in place, it often (usually) gets worse before getting better. This is because of the BPD's escalation of the situation. Their escalated behavior is called an extinction burst.

You have to outlive the burst. Otherwise, should you cave, it becomes intermittent reinforcement,can only tells her now outrageous her behavior needs to get before you csve.

Detach, with compassion.

[BabySister]

Detach with compassion! Well put GaGrl.

Hi Desperate Son,

There’s some great suggestions on here. As far as breaking the cycle for me, a healthy dose of distance, setting limits and boundaries and stick to them. Suggest support groups or leave a flyer lying around for your mother to find.

Over the past few years I’ve let my BPDB know that I’m not OK with his abuse by saying exactly that. When he went on a nasty text rant and told him to stop texting me or I’m going to file a police report. This stopped him from texting but he approached me recently at how unpleased he was with me potentially involving the police and how he’s had his own “problems” with the police. Does he see his part in these problems? I don’t think so!

Strategies that I’ve employed are not contacting my brother. This has worked slightly. My mother confided in me that he knows he has to watch we he says to me or I won’t talk to him! That’s some progress.

My situation is further made complex as my BPDB lives with mother and has lived with my parents for almost the past 25 years and has been allowed to roll like this. Been enabled. I’m past my limit with the abuse. I tried taking a stand a few years ago and my parents told me that I wouldn’t be seeing them if I was out of contact with my bro. Nice, right! So, it’s OK he abuses you, put up or you don’t see us.

I recommend taking a 12 week course from NAMI to learn more about the illness and how to communicate more effectively with your mom. Try a support group for you. Families affected by mental illness. I’ve been attending a group regularly and it really helps to talk things out and meet others who have either a son or daughter, husband, etc. affected. I;m usually the only one in the group who’s a sibling and I think it helps others hear my POV as it helps me hear the parents POV.

My mother is undiagnosed but I’m certain she has some sort of mental illness herself as she jokes about it. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself. Create space for yourself. Keep posting. Hope this helps!

[Desperate Son]

I am feeling for you.  I am not a desperate son, but a desperate daughter.  The realization that I can never have a healthy relationship with my mother, like everyone else has with their mothers, has been a really painful one.  I knew years ago that she was uBPD, but I never knew until just over a week ago, what that was going to mean for the rest of my life.  And I am just now coming to accept what it means. 
1) I have to grieve the loss of the mom I thought I had, and stop hoping for what I can never have.
2) I have to accept the mom I do have, but not her dysfunctional behaviors
3) She is not going to change.  The only thing I can control is how I respond to her.
4) I must learn to not have, or react, with emotion to her barbs and crazy bad behavior, which has always tortured me. 
   When I react to her dysfunctional words/behavior with emotion, she is rewarded.  I was told today by my counsellor that to protect myself and my own wellness, I must stop giving her the reaction.  To do that, I must see her clinically (see the disease, not a mother I want and wish for).
I have yet to put this to the test.  A number of months ago, I quit biting my nails after most of a lifetime of this nasty habit.  How did I quit?  Well after biting for most of my life, I started losing pieces of my front tooth.  After my dentist repaired it for about the 8th time, I finally hit rock bottom and asked myself if I wanted to chew my nails or keep my front tooth, 'cause I couldn't have both.  And I just quit.  Used a bit of nail hardener as support.  With my uBPD mom, I am asking myself,  am I going to give in to her disease, or am I going to look after myself (nails or tooth)?  I guess in a way, what I have to quit now is the relationship I always dreamed of having with my mother.  What I'm hoping I get in return, in the long run, is more happiness because if I let go of my hopes of a normal relationship with mom, I will be released from the pain of never getting it.  If I don't get something I don't expect, then I haven't lost anything, and it can't make me unhappy (if that makes sense). 
I have a few strategies already (listed in my post), and I'm learning an awful lot in a short period of time from the educational materials on this website; also I'm in pursuit of books to read, as I've made up my mind I'm "done" with reacting to her.  I only found this site/board a few days ago, but I've done a ton of soul searching in those few days.  For me, it's been a complete revelation that there are so many people going through what I'm going through.  Had absolutely no clue before!  I just always thought it was me.  Every story I read matches mine (sometimes word for word).  I don't really have anything to offer you, except empathy, and support.  Don't give up!   We can all root for each other as we struggle and muddle our way through this unfortunate circumstance we have found ourselves in. 

Hi Meuthen and thanks for responding.  I used to want a relationship with my mom but over the years I have grown angrier at her for the constant abuse.  I finally stepped away but I have not yet found myself feeling relief.  I guess it's decades of conditioning - my therapist calls it traumatic bonding - that doesn't allow me to yet stop feeling like something worse is coming.  It's crazy that I'm a grown man in my 40s and I'm afraid of my mother.  I am angry at her for having to feel this way.  I'm angry at her for attempting to ruin my marriage and I'm angry at her for not being a good person.  I don't know if those are normal feelings or not.  I think part of me just wants to put her firmly in my past and move on with my life.  But I appreciate everyone on this board that takes the time to share.  There is comfort in knowing others have made it and it gives me hope that I can too.

[Desperate Son]

Once you put boundaries in place, it often (usually) gets worse before getting better. This is because of the BPD's escalation of the situation. Their escalated behavior is called an extinction burst.

You have to outlive the burst. Otherwise, should you cave, it becomes intermittent reinforcement,can only tells her now outrageous her behavior needs to get before you csve.

Detach, with compassion.

I need help understanding what you mean by Detach with compassion.  At this point, my mom has become so toxic in my life and my family's life that I have had to severe all contact.  I am not sure if this is forever but for right now, I need some time to heal.  My gut tells me this is the right thing and my conversations with my therapist also support this decision.  I guess I am at odds with the idea of compassion.  How do you cut someone out of your life compassionately? 

To protect my family (wife and child) and my self, I needed to remove my mom from my life.  I feel like going back on that right now would be the caving that you reference.  So how do I make that break and still do it with compassion?  It's a pretty strong action to cut ties but it was needed. 

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Hi DS:  I tried in my earlier post to share that due to the toxic nature of the way my mother handled me, I cut all ties, or at least tried to.  I had read some really good material in my research on key words I put into google, and almost always, the results I got back from my searches told me she was toxic to me or the relationship was toxic. 
I really resented that all through the years, every time she would invite us to her large social parties, she would invariably bring up flaws in me, or things I had done in the past, and large groups of her friends would come away thinking poorly of me, when in the moment, I had owned my business long term, was thought well of by those I worked for, worked with, and socialized with.  My friends gave me glowing remarks of how generous and kind and sincere I was/am...and yet, nomatter what I did, my mother threw me under the bus at every gathering, every time.
It got so bad I couldn't plan to go to one of her events or the holidays in general without having an internal dread that started from three days to a week prior to us getting together.  Then every time we left these events, I would always be sitting in the car with my husband and lamenting the current awful thing she did or said.  It was dreadful.
Eventually, the pain of being with her outweighed any benefit of seeing her and even the rest of my family (as my family is strongly loyal to her or deathly afraid of getting on her "bad list"...so either way, they never spoke up and out even when it should have been done on many occasions).

Reading more recent comments from you (after my last post), I thought earlier that you sound more like my brother in your situation.  Him, his wife, my husband and me have all discussed how she treats us, and for him and his wife, he asks us not to tell her of things all the time (ie:  they got a puppy and he didn't want me to tell her because she would likely relentlessly criticize him for taking on a dog when their finances were tight). He dreaded her commenting on anything he did/does, because he can't bare not pleasing her and being subjected to her negative talking and thinking when he does literally anything that doesnt get her absolute approval.  Mom is very opinionated and overbearingly tries to run his life, according to him and my SIL.  They hide from her...who they are, what they think and do or want to do (get pregnant, or adopt, etc), because they have a deep reaction to her disapproval on any level and about most anything...

[GaGrl]

"Detaching with compassion" is really more about us than it is about the person with BPD from whom we are separating/detaching.

Look at your previous posts and recognize how many times you described yourself as angry. You have detached because of your anger. That negative emotion is driving your detachment.

Detaching with compassion means, first of all, radically accepting who your mother is and what drives her behavior.  It means accepting that you cannot control her; you can only control your own actions. It means understanding that what is good about your mother is inextricably mixed with those behaviors you experience as negative -- all of it is part of the whole that is your mother.

And then, having understood and accepted, you (again, realistically) make a conscious decision to pull away from the contentious relationship in the best interest of all concerned -- you and your family, your mother, perhaps other family members who have been affected -- not out of anger or other negative emotions, but from a position of caring. It allows you to be at peace about the situation.

I hope I've explained it properly. If other board members who have experienced detaching with compassion can chime in, that would be great.

[Harri]

Gagrl is correct in her description of detaching with compassion.   Radical acceptance, knowing and accepting that your mother is who she is and you can not change her and are not responsible for her is a big part of detaching.  Seeing her as a whole person, with good and bad qualities, is part of it as well as Gagrl said. 

Radical acceptance is not about accepting abuse and it is not a position of weakness.   It takes strength, compassion and love to be able to accept a person as they are, recognize there are limits to what you will accept and to act according to your values.   It also takes time and work to get to this point.

At the same time, it is okay to feel angry and to take time away to heal.   It is important to work through any anger and not to turn it against yourself or even against others.  Take a look at our Survivor to Thrivers Guide for some more information.  Healing is a process and understanding the steps involved and what to expect may help.

[Desperate Son]

All,

Thank you so much for the input.  I have disconnected out of a combination of anger (the final straw) and also wanting peace for myself and my family.  I have blocked my mother from calling me and it has helped me start to slowly feel the tension and stress reduce but my mom is not one to accept that I need time away from her.  She has found ways to circumvent my blocks and I am constantly having to evolve my approach to account for her irrational and obsessive behavior - 10s of calls in a matter of minutes, irrational voicemails, calling other family members and doing the same.  Everytime it happens, I feel like I am taking a step back. 

My therapist and I have discussed and she's told me that it will take me months to start to undo what has been decades of abuse.  But the problem is that the abuse continues even now, even with me blocking her from my life. 

A question to the folks here, has anyone gone as far as a restraining order against their parent to stop the abuse?

[Panda39]

A question to the folks here, has anyone gone as far as a restraining order against their parent to stop the abuse?

The problem with this is that by doing this she is getting what she want's which is continued engagement with you and attention from you. Negative attention is still attention.  I'm not saying do it or not do it because if she becomes too aggressive it may be your only option but think about what she would get out of you doing this.

Boundaries aren't just about setting boundaries but enforcing them and that is what you are doing now by not responding to millions of calls/messages/texts (Yes, folks with BPD will blow up your phone  ). I know it's hard but try to hang on to your boundaries it's about protecting yourself from abuse.

I often share this simplified analogy about boundaries I hope it helps...

We've all seen this at the grocery store...

Mom's value: I want to take good care of my child and that includes eating good healthy food.
Mom's boundary: Sweets are to be had at special occasions only
Mom's Action: Not buy sweets for her child while grocery shopping

A little kid asks mom for candy, mom says no so the kid pouts.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no again so the kid whines.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no for the third time, this time kid has a full on melt down screaming tantrum (what we call an Extinction Burst). What happens if mom gives in and gets the candy?  That little kid has just learned that having a screaming tantrum will get them what they want and if it gets them what they want once screaming in the grocery store will likely work again. What happens if mom doesn't give in? The kid learns that no means no and he gives up.

This does not mean however that the little kid won't ask again the next time mom and he go to the grocery store...the kid will test the boundary again and so will the person with BPD in your life.  The key here is to always be consistent with your boundary.

More on Boundaries...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

More on Extinction Bursts...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

Also, it sounds like your anger and separation is clearing away the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail but be aware of of it just in case some starts to slip back in.

More on FOG...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

There is also an active discussion about detaching...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338932.0

Hang in there,
Panda39

[Harri]

A question to the folks here, has anyone gone as far as a restraining order against their parent to stop the abuse?

There have been a couple that I can recall.  I also recall that the restraining order did not stop anything it only served to amplify the dysfunctional behavior and the person taking the restraining order out still had a very hard time dealing with anger, resentment and the collateral damage that such an act results in. 

What do you think a restraining order will provide for you that boundaries and working on detaching and self-differentiation with your therapist will not accomplish?  I ask to better understand as I have no direct experience with this other than what I have observed here in the two cases I mentioned above.  What is it that you struggle with when she persists in calling you?  How is she abusive to you?