Need help and advice - I think she has BPD, we broke up, help me see reality

[ds_swoop]

Joining the group for a number of reasons. I would appreciate any advice/point out things you notice/help or resources to turn to.

I was in a 6 month relationship with a person whom I suspected had BPD - she had unregulated anger, would be verbally abusive or sometimes emotionally dismissive to me, we engaged in unprotected sex very early on in the relationship and were very irresponsible (no children or STI's luckily), and in one case she drove so recklessly when impatient with a driver in front of her she passed a car on a road illegally and could have killed us had another oncoming car come the other way around a blind curve. Every time she'd get mad, if I'd leave she'd rage and slam the door as I walked out and try and end things, if I stayed, she'd be uncomfortabel to stay with, but the next day when she felt better she'd appreciate me staying with her. ( I have more examples, but I'll curtail it for now).

In her past, she tried to commit suicide via pills, her dad was a drug addict, mother an alcoholic (both of whom she had to 'parent' growing up). She shut out her father and sisters from her life - her father understandably, but her sisters because she got mad at them and is unwilling to bridge the gap until they come around. She's 37 and has been in a number of longer term relationships (4-6 years) most of her life, but no one ever chose to marry her, all left her. She admits to getting very needy when the relationship gets serious, and describes all her ex's in very bad lights (they were bad people - signs of splitting). She's gorgeous and when she's sweet, she's a real sweetheart and fun to be around (i.e. that side is very marriage material).

My therapist, from my descriptions, agrees she has emotional dysregulation and signs of BPD.

We broke up because after 2 days of her stonewalling and anger towards me, the 3rd day I emotionally checked out and didn't return her calls and left her hanging. When I didn't apologize more than a text (i.e. she expected a phone call - I didn't want to be yelled at a 3rd day in a row), she decided I would treat her ever worse as time went on and dumped me over text. I didn't have a chance to really explain myself since I was going through my own feelings of the situation and wasn't clear on it until then. It really hurt she left me that way, so bad that I didn't chase her or say much of anything other than "if that's what you need to be happy, then I hope you find your happiness". She's right that I didn't try to apologize in the moment for ignoring her (other than, "I'm sorry" by text), and for that would like to apologize, but I feel I have a right to feel hurt and isolated about it in that moment - that my behavior has some acceptability to it given the situation.

Here's where it gets tricky.

My therapist pointed out I have C-PTSD, and suggested I go through EMDR therapy (I did a 3 day intensive 8hr/day sessions). She also mentioned that my ex and I were emotional twins and that I exhibit signs of BPD as well - fears of abandonment, anger regulation (although I constantly suppress it apparently), cognitive distortions, and black and white thinking.

So, I need to know what to do now.

I'm worried that if I have BPD, I might be conflating what has happened in the relationship (I mean, some of these things - how can I? I remember her yelling at me, shaking and sweating with anger, her reckless driving and sex, her stonewalling, etc.). Is it possible she doesn't have BPD - it's just how I'm seeing it because I do? This is where I'm supremely lost - could I be painting the picture of her in a poor light (I'm trying to list facts as facts and not make her look any worse than how I can describe it - I'm seeking the truth so I can fix myself), and could my own perception of reality be causing things to not be what they really are?

My therapist doesn't want me to reflect on the past, but in order to understand myself, that's part of what I've been/am. It seems important to get that straight. Unfortunately, my therapist usually doesn't engage in it and is focused on looking on steps forward.

Also, I sent a letter to my ex after our recent encounter telling her I still love her, and asked to talk about the hurt I caused her so I can apologize. I don't plan on starting our relationship back up, but really want to understand what I did to her and at let her know I'm sorry for how I treated her.

If she has BPD (I don't know if she's aware that she does), will I get straight and fair answers from her? Is this a bad decision to understand her?

If you see any other traits or concerns in what I've described, I'm open to all suggestions and ideas. I'm looking for healing myself and moving forward, so your input is greatly appreciated.

Thank you all!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear ds_swoop:

Welcome to our community.  I’m sorry for the pain that brings you here, but glad you’ve found us.

First let me say that I too, have c-ptsd and have also been told that I “may” have some BPD traits, however there are some overlapping traits between C-PTSD and BPD.  It is no mystery why I would have either label or “traits”; but I’m working through both.

There is a LOT of shame carried by people with BPD.  They are rarely able to accept blame for much, if anything, that has gone wrong in their lives or relationships.  Just the fact that you are staring at yourself and actually blaming yourself for the demise of your relationship tells me that you do NOT have BPD.  You’re way too self reflective.  Please try to reduce some of that heat on yourslf.  Sometimes in dealing with our partners we may not act perfectly, but we do have a right to our own emotions and responses.  You have a right to your emotions and to take space when you needed that space.

My BPDbf has periods of dysregulation.  We do share a trauma bond, but we are NOT emotional twins.  Not at all.  I am very curious...  What did your therapist mean when she / he said that about you and your gf?  Just because someone says it does not make it true.

What has your prior experience with / exposure to BPD been?  How familiar are you with the communication tools?  This site has great tools to improve communication with not only pwBPD, but people in general.  Validation, learning not to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain), using SET, etc.

As far as getting straight and fair answers from her?  Sorry to say, but kind of doubtful.  The shame seems to hinder honesty and accountability.  PwBPD tend to project and blame shift, so that all the responsibility will fall on you.  It doesn’t belong on you.  This is especially true if they’ve done no work on themselves and the trust level is pretty low.  My BPDbf and I are working really hard on this honesty thing.  We’re much older (both 61) and I’m probably the only person he does trust; but with The many things he’s done (no infidelity but other things), my trust level is low.  However, he is finally becoming honest.  Long and painful process.

Finally, I believe you are seeing your gf’s behaviors exactly as they were.  Not making them more extreme to paint a different or “better” picture of yourself.  No.  It’s important that we DO see these behaviors exactly as they are.  The good AND the BAD.  We cannot forget the bad, lest we are in for it, and completely lost in our delusion of forgive and forget.  We have to remember how WE feel.

Please keep posting.  This is a very safe place.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Harri]

Hi ds_swoop and welcome to the board!  I am glad you posted as you will find you have plenty in common with others here including a diagnosis of PTSD or c-PTSD myself included.  Like Gems, it is easy for me to see where it comes from and I am working on it.  Things can get better.

There are a couple of things I want to comment on.  Again, as Gems said, BPD and PTSD behaviors can be very similar.  So can the behaviors associated with addiction, co-dependency, depression and NPD and other disorders.  What distinguishes them from my understanding is what is the underlying mechanism that is driving the behaviors.  that is something that takes some digging to figure out.   another important thing to remember is that a lot of the behaviors of BPD are ones that everyone has sometimes.  What makes them a disorder is the frequency and pervasiveness of the behaviors.  All that said, working on us is what is important.  You may have traits of BPD... and many of us do.   We can help with working on you if you want. 

 

It really hurt she left me that way, so bad that I didn't chase her or say much of anything other than "if that's what you need to be happy, then I hope you find your happiness". She's right that I didn't try to apologize in the moment for ignoring her (other than, "I'm sorry" by text), and for that would like to apologize, but I feel I have a right to feel hurt and isolated about it in that moment - that my behavior has some acceptability to it given the situation.

Generally, not chasing after someone is a healthy thing.  As is taking care of your own emotions and listening to your own needs.   I am not saying don't apologize, as that is up to you to decide on.  During your relationship, had she broken things off like that before?  If so, how did you respond?

My therapist doesn't want me to reflect on the past, but in order to understand myself, that's part of what I've been/am. It seems important to get that straight. Unfortunately, my therapist usually doesn't engage in it and is focused on looking on steps forward.

What about your history makes her think you have c-PTSD?  What were you trying to discuss that she steered the conversation to the present? 

If she has BPD (I don't know if she's aware that she does), will I get straight and fair answers from her? Is this a bad decision to understand her?

It is hard to say.  I don't think it is a bad decision to try to understand her.  I do think your time is better focused elsewhere so make yourself primary while also trying to put her behaviors in context.

One thing I do want to mention is that you might find this article helpful to read:  I think it's Borderline Personality Disorder, but how can I know? 

Keep posting, reading ask questions and settle in!

[ds_swoop]

Gems:

There is a LOT of shame carried by people with BPD. 

Yes, I'm carrying a lot of shame thinking I may have BPD. It's nice to hear you don't think I have it, but I guess its hard to tell for sure since I can check 7 of the boxes, they are just not that frequent for most of them. A few are very frequent.

We do share a trauma bond, but we are NOT emotional twins.  Not at all.  I am very curious...  What did your therapist mean when she / he said that about you and your gf?

Yes, my therapist mentioned a trauma bond too. What my therapist was saying was that by emotional twins, we both went through some trauma, mine being very subtle (I'm also a Highly-sensitive person, so that doesn't help) but some parts very obvious (lot of physical violence outside of family life) and her's being very overt (dysfunctional parents and bad family life).

What has your prior experience with / exposure to BPD been?  How familiar are you with the communication tools?

I'm learning about FOG, JADE, TFK, CNP... Other than this new therapist I'm working with in the past few months, I've never been exposed to BPD, so its very new to me, although I've been studying it ferverently.

PwBPD tend to project and blame shift, so that all the responsibility will fall on you.

Yes, she's blamed me for being a "douchebag" in our social circle for why our relationship didn't work. I wasn't perfect, yes, but there was both parties at fault.

This is especially true if they’ve done no work on themselves and the trust level is pretty low.

I didn't get the sense that she trusted that I loved her, and in my moment where I was just drained and left her hanging, I think for her that was enough to prove that I didn't. There was no time for her to wait and see.

I sent her a message letting her know I loved and cared about her, asking to talk but wishing her well if I never hear from her. I have yet to hear back, and I'm thinking I probably won't at this point :/

Thank you for your support.

[ds_swoop]

Harri:

We can help with working on you if you want. 

Yes please! I don't want to continue carrying these traits, and would like help learning how to reduce traits with BPD and find a healthy relationship.

During your relationship, had she broken things off like that before?  If so, how did you respond?

Yes, she would get very mad and say things couldn't work out. Sometimes I'd say with her and just be there as she raged, but it was MISERABLE for me doing that. I'd just be there and be quiet until she was ready to respond. One time I decided to leave and she slammed the door on my way out behind me, locking it. Another time, she started yelling at me and I got firm with her about how she was talking with me. She stormed off, only to text me back soo thereafter asking to talk. I came up and kissed her letting her know I loved her.

What about your history makes her think you have c-PTSD?  What were you trying to discuss that she steered the conversation to the present? 

I had some physical trauma in the family as a very young child, and a lot of emotional or physical trauma with friends growing up. When I'm trying to understand myself and where I'm going into the future, I'd relate things to the past. My therapist wants me to focus on the present and future, and not keep circling the past. I think I have a hard time letting go of things.

I don't think it is a bad decision to try to understand her.  I do think your time is better focused elsewhere so make yourself primary while also trying to put her behaviors in context.

I messaged her with a heartfelt email saying I'd like to talk, understand the pain I caused her, and wished her well if I don't hear from her. That was a few days ago, but I haven't heard anything. I'm not sure if she did receive the email (70% likely she did and it didn't get lost in spam), so i'm not sure whether or not to text her to check or just leave it as is.

Thank you for your support and help!

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear ds_swoop -

I’m so glad you’ve come back to the board.  I believe there is great hope for you to have a very happy, loving and healthy future.  Your willingness to understand your own feelings and take an honest view of your behaviors is incredible and very courageous.  This will serve you well and make you more intuned to seeking out other emotionally healthy people in your future.

I’ve learned so much, and healed so much.  And now I know... I cannot love someone to wellness. 

I want to clarify, when I talked about the shame associated with pwBPD, I didn’t mean having the disorder itself or traits of the disorder.  As Harri said, most people have some of the traits.  I meant that pwBPD have deep painful feelings that often translate into harmful and cruel behaviors toward the people close to them.  And rather than taking responsibility for those painful actions, they tend to project and blame shift onto their partners, family members - that’s the shame in motion. 

Simply possibly having the disorder or traits is no cause for shame in my opinion - ESPECIALLY when you’re brave enough to take it on and heal yourself.  And you ARE, ds_swoop.  People don’t give themselves these traits.

I believe understanding yourself IS more vital than understanding your exBPDgf at this point.  You can still move through your sadness and we can talk about that as needed.  But you’re more important right now.  You are.  Whether it’s C-PTSD, PTSD, or traits of BPD, you feel how you feel - today.  And this is because of painful and traumatic stuff from your past.  You become emotionally triggered, and whether you actually react or not, you’re still feeling it, right?

If you have questions about why your therapy will head in a certain direction, then ask your T why?  If you’re not comfortable with this T, then find one that you ARE comfortable with.  But the therapy IS important.  You WANT to take this healing journey.  I didn’t truly begin mine until a month before my 60th birthday, when 6 years into my BPD relationship I was losing my mind and soul and was ready to check out.  Please Don’t wait!

Please keep talking.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[ds_swoop]

I’m so glad you’ve come back to the board.  I believe there is great hope for you to have a very happy, loving and healthy future. 

Thank you for taking the time to respond and talk with me. It's greatly appreciated.

I meant that pwBPD have deep painful feelings that often translate into harmful and cruel behaviors toward the people close to them.  And rather than taking responsibility for those painful actions, they tend to project and blame shift onto their partners, family members - that’s the shame in motion. 

Yes, I can recall times like that. Is there a way to ever help that person see what they're doing?

ou become emotionally triggered, and whether you actually react or not, you’re still feeling it, right?

Yup, I can feel it for sure sometimes.

If you’re not comfortable with this T, then find one that you ARE comfortable with.  But the therapy IS important.  You WANT to take this healing journey.  I didn’t truly begin mine until a month before my 60th birthday, when 6 years into my BPD relationship I was losing my mind and soul and was ready to check out.

I'm comfortable with my T, but she really things I have BPD. Yes, I want to be healthy. In your experience, how is your relationship going now that you are working on yourself? Is your partner in therapy too?

[once removed]

hi ds_swoop,

any update? did you ever hear back?

how is therapy going?

[ds_swoop]

any update? did you ever hear back?

how is therapy going?

Hey there. Yes, her and I ended up connecting. It sounds like she wants to give things another try. I think after she heard about the work I've been doing for myself and that she's been working on, she feels that we can work things out. I'm hopeful as well.

I do have a bit of concern though, that she'll just reach a point of last time where she's just over it and ends it again. I realize I need to let that go. However, in our talks it sounded like during the 1.5 months we were apart she was having a hard time moving on and really loves me. Perhaps my fears are irrational?

She also decided to move about 2 hours away when we were broke up and has already signed a lease. I've been looking at possibly finding work up where she's moving to as well, but it will be a process (I realize that's a good thing as we march forward and evaluate how our relationship is going). It does make me a little worried about things, but not much I can do at this point to march forward with her.

We spent this last weekend together. Fri - early Monday morning. It was ~90% great, with 2 solid bursts of insecurity from her... she's worried about me having interest in other women. Ironically, I have zero interest in other women when I'm with her. I can tell her frustration and fear is just clouding how she feels about me, because even in those moments where it feels like I should just go, she clearly doesn't want me to go. In both cases, I've just pushed past her fears, let her feel it out, stayed with her and she's come around. I can tell she really loves me. It does make it challenging when her fears and my concerns clash. But I've been trying to keep a rational head about it.

Any insight into that would be helpful.

Therapy is going well. I've been focused on defining myself more than anything. I think I need to get a better sense of who I am on a whole as a person.