Need help my wife has BPD?

Questions about dealing with someone with BPD?

So I've recently learned that there is a high chance that my wife might have BPD. We just started couples therapy and where on our third session. First session was with me and her. 2nd with just her and the third with me.

I was very nervous going into my session because my had explained to me that the therapist doesn't think I have it and told her that issues might be coming from me. I was so puzzled the recommendation to look into it came from my personal therapist who ive been seeing for almost 4 months and from the research and books I read she fits so many of the characteristics. I also recently read about high functioning people with BPD who are able to blend end and appear normal through some of there behavior and many therapist miss it. I was really afraid because my wife can be very deceiving and manipulative at times and loves to put her self out to be the victim.

Anywho I told myself look your here for help just go in there and be as honest as possible. Tell the therapist how you really feel and if your the problem then guess what things will get better if you work on what they tell you. To my surprise it went very well. I don't know if my wife was just lying or the therapist just seen something from studying both of us. But it seemed as if she was on my side and explained alot to me about my wife's behavior. She left me with some tasks and exercises and said that she would talk to me again on our next visit.

She did mention that she doesn't like to play games and that she is going to be very honest and direct with me and my wife and told me that there is very little hope I'm fixing our relationship. If I remember correctly I think the reasoning was she does see my wife taking responsibility for any of her actions. Either I really want to make this work for for my family. I don't want to be alone and my children will pay the biggest part in all of this. And knowing her and all that I've learned about BPD she will destroy me and everything I love if I walk away from this. Apart of me feels like I'm only staying at this point because I scared of the consequences.

I know this might seem like a cry for help but I'm living everyday now on the chance that there might be some hope. Begging the world to save me. I have been her punching bag for the past 4 years and it's eaten me up inside. There are times in this relationship when I'm literally disgusted by who I am and I just can't take it sometimes. I know I'm most likely going toward the end of this relationship the more knowledge I gain and support I receive its helping me keep my mental state strong and I know that's important right now. But I still want to try and give this all I have.

So here are my questions if anyone can help? Basically how do you deal with some with BPD ? Here's a prime example of what my relationship is like. Wife gets triggered + I become human punching = choas in every way possible. The number one problem thats causes these issues to exactly so fast and so out of hand is my wife's ability to communicate. There is literally ZERO communication with her. I've tried it all from talking as nice as I possibly can , controlling my anger, forgiving her , being as empathetic as I can, listening to her and doing the ridiculous things she claim that make no realistic sense. None of it works in all honesty things just kept getting worse.

The newest things I've been practicing is just being super loving in the most akward way possible and it usually work. I just hate it because that is when I actually start to see my wife with a sickness and not for who she is and it absolutely scares me. It makes me feel like I'm with a crazy person and my life is in danger. The other reason I don't like doing this tactic is it also validates alot of her false claims which later leads to bigger more serious fights.

But any way are there any pointers you can give to help not trigger a person with BPD? I've learned that it's best to keep them in a stress free environment and I'm practicing that and it's working pretty well. But the only problems is I literally can't predict when something is going to pop off and it's driving me crazy. I literally go through whole day on top of all the stress I already have trying to control this and it's literally a blessing if I can make it through the day without her getting upset. I know hoping for much but any pointers can really help.

I know some people might disagree that I'm allowing someone to treat me this way but please understand I'm looking at this from a different lense. My children and my family are my biggest concern and as long as where in marriage therapy I'm willing to keep trying. If that's gone I'm trying to mentally prepare myself to get out because staying in this relationship at this point without any outside help would be dangerous.

Again any pointers from some dealing with a loved one who has BPD would be greatly appreciated.



Diagnosis + Treatment The Big Picture Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ] Five Dimensions of Human Personality Think It's BPD but How Can I Know? DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders Treatment of BPD [ Video ] Getting a Loved One Into Therapy Top 50 Questions Members Ask Home page Forum List of discussion groups Making a first post Find last post Discussion group guidelines Tips Romantic relationship in or near breakup Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD Sibling or Parent with BPD Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD Partner or Spouse with BPD Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship Tools Wisemind Ending conflict (3 minute lesson) Listen with Empathy Don't Be Invalidating Setting boundaries On-line CBT Book reviews Member workshops About Mission and Purpose Website Policies Membership Eligibility Please Donate