Just a quick gripe - siblings

[isilme]

So I'm pretty sure my H has BPD, and his siblings have some fleas or sprinklings of it, and I think they learned it from their hoarder mom.  Don't get me wrong at all, they are all much better people than my own FOO which was homicidally toxic and frighteningly self-destructive.  His family is sad, mine is scary. 

H can't handle going to see the parents.  No one can.  But we are the ones who make an effort to stay.  I know H is operating out of a lot of FOG here, but as he helped me with my family, I am here to help with his, whatever his decisions are regarding them.  The parents have declined in health, and in a lot of ways, some of their advanced convalescence looks like it could have been avoided with a few different choices... food choices, keeping the house cleaner, choices about smoking.  The mom lives on her loveseat in the living room - she does not move from it.  All the things she wants are piled in reach of it.  There is little to no seating unless I arrive before other guests and move things - I am somehow the person allowed to move the horde, even if only slightly. 

H does his best to maintain an even temper with his mom - she is a huge trigger for him, with both of them being a bit too similar, I think.  At most, we can only manage 2-3 nights when we try to stay over.  No one else does.

It's their choice, but what is irking me the most right now is that no one will go down unless we do - I'm still getting a handle on my newly diagnosed immune disorder, H's diabetes is not in good control right now.  We've both had the flu and various other colds since June. Driving 1.5 hours to a house where there is nowhere to sit that I am likely allergic to in some manner is not high on my priorities right now, but I keep getting messages from H's brother and sister "are you going?"  "are you going?"  And each time I have to tell them, no, it's a bad week, I feel like a jerk, H's FOG kicks in.  I finally just told the sister-in-law, "not going but don't let us stop you from heading down"

Personally, since the parents are shut-ins and have limited seating, it's best if we all stagger our visits anyway.  That way they'd have visitors a few weeks in a row, not all at once and then a dry spell.  But somehow we're the buffer?  Or everyone knows I clean when I get there so they are more comfortable?  I was very sick at Easter, could not manage at my previous levels of stamina - I can't do this and while I am sad for the parents, being the stone cold person I am from my own family and need for NC/LC, I can't allow myself to feel TOO bad.  I just can't get H to this mindset, because of course, he has few boundaries and BPD. 

I just needed to vent.  sorry. 

[Turkish]

You're sick and it sounds like you've had health struggles this year, recently.  You need to take care of yourself.  It isn't your responsibility to run interference for your in-laws' adult children. 

[isilme]

Didn't go, might go next weekend.  I am exhausted, but we managed to see a friend and her husband we've not seen since my bachelorette in 2016, had another set over to get together the next night to cook together, and then H surprised me by sanding the top part of the front door while I ran some errands to save me time doing it so it could be painted.  Yesterday was a long day, sanding, cleaning up the paint dust and chips, and then painting and I am very sore, but I know to see a peeling, chipped front door depressed both of us.  Short of breath, very tired, very sore, but made it to work.

I don't mind visiting the parents.  But I am also better at compartmentalizing things, and also recognize their choices put them in this sad shape.  I've never smoked, never lived in a smoking home and so my having these breathing issues is making me angry - I feel bad for my FIL, but I know that few ppl have MCAS like me, and so had he not smoked packs a day for decades he might not be on oxygen now.  He even had the example of his older brother to see what was coming if he didn't stop.  I feel bad for the mom, but also know if she'd just resigned herself to keeping medication and eating schedule, and walked around instead of having the cleaning lady go to the store for her, she'd be in better shape. 

They make H depressed either way - we don't go, he feels guilty.  And he has BPD so telling him to manage his emotions is a daily challenge, it doesn't help.  We DO go down, he obsesses for days about how he has to force them to change (nope) or make them move (maybe) and how his older sister is magically going to force the $$ of their care onto us... I tell him she has no legal recourse for that, she can only use guilt.  If he doesn't care about the estate as he claims, she can have it all - the responsibility and the estate, and we can just let it go.  But having BPD, I know this line of thought makes no sense to him.

No, we don't need to run interference, but I can't stop them from messaging me, and since he's not willing to go NC, (not needed, we're already LC from life schedules as it is even though we all live in about a 2-mile radius of each other), I just need to not let it, or H's reactions to is, bother me.