It's happening again...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Every week or so of no contact I receive a text from my ex with BPD, asking me for petty favors. Normally she only texts me when she needs something from me, however, tonight she texted me saying something that completely caught me off guard. She texted me whilst she was high, saying that shes been thinking of us lately. Mind you this is roughly fourth months after we broke up, never going more then three weeks without contact. Now, I responded rather hastily, which I regret doing, and gave her the honest answer, saying "Me too." She immediately texts me back stating how she's already regretting this and that she wants to stop texting. She said goodbye and I said goodbye back.

I have so many questions as this was completely out of the blue and really has me rather confused.

-Does she miss me, is she feeling some form of regret for doing what she did(Cheating)?
-Is she just reaching out to me to play with my head? (It really seems like it)
-Does she want to get back together?

These are the questions going through my head and I was hoping that some of you awesome people may have some feedback, thank you!

[Hiscaru]

Every week or so of no contact I receive a text from my ex with BPD, asking me for petty favors. Normally she only texts me when she needs something from me, however, tonight she texted me saying something that completely caught me off guard. She texted me whilst she was high, saying that shes been thinking of us lately. Mind you this is roughly fourth months after we broke up, never going more then three weeks without contact. Now, I responded rather hastily, which I regret doing, and gave her the honest answer, saying "Me too." She immediately texts me back stating how she's already regretting this and that she wants to stop texting. She said goodbye and I said goodbye back.

I have so many questions as this was completely out of the blue and really has me rather confused.

-Does she miss me, is she feeling some form of regret for doing what she did(Cheating)?
-Is she just reaching out to me to play with my head? (It really seems like it)
-Does she want to get back together?

These are the questions going through my head and I was hoping that some of you awesome people may have some feedback, thank you!

[Turkish]

She texted me whilst she was high, saying that shes been thinking of us lately

Whether high or not, the feelings on her side were real... at the time.  You've been through this in the relationship. What is your take, as in do you think this denotes emotional stability?

[Hiscaru]

Well that's where I get confused, when we were together her emotions and such were relatively controlled. The second we broke up, that's when she became very hard to read. She was snappy, and very confused. Every little thing I would say to her after we broke up would lead to her somehow being angry at me. So I started no contact. That's when she started to text me. I'm just confused as to why she would text me saying shes been thinking about us, and then doesn't even want to talk. Is their a bigger picture that I'm just not understanding?

[Turkish]

I'm not advocating reengaging, but when my ex first broke up with me,  I started looking for another place and said goodbye to her friends. I thought it was over.  Then I got a text, "if you love someone, why won't you fight for them?" Huh? She broke up with me!

I know that isn't your dynamic, but your ex is likely confused and isn't cognizant of what she did that lead you to break up. 

PwBPD feel core shame, as if they are unlovable. This drives breakups on either side, given BPD behaviors. She can treat you like crap, you'll be there, and on the other side, the idealization. She told me, "I'm a btch to you, but I'm your btch." How do you answer that? 

What finally drove you to break up?

[Leonis]

I have so many questions as this was completely out of the blue and really has me rather confused.

Careful, my ex did something similar. The occasional contacts after we broke off our engagement always ended in intimate setting.

Whatever you do, don't wind up tied down by her.

[Hiscaru]

We broke up because I found out she cheated on me. It was somewhat mutual, but I mainly pushed her away. I needed time to myself so that I could better myself, and I couldn't do that if I was with someone who I couldn't trust and was ultimately stuck with. Now that I've had that time to think and time to better myself, I'm still stuck on how to approach this situation.

[Longterm]

Every week or so of no contact I receive a text from my ex with BPD, asking me for petty favors. 

I have been NC with my ex for a month. You mentioned that you have never gone more than 3 weeks without contact. That was exactly how it went for me to begin with and this time round is the same so far. Last week she got my son to text and this week she has used my youngest son to ask for something back when she knows full well I don't have what she wants and never have. She has also asked my boy if I am dating? I would normally have done the good old mental gymnastics, what does this mean? Is she thinking of me? Does she want me back? I bet she misses me right? She must be hurting as much as me? No no no no no.

In the lessons section there is a workshop on recycling and what contact actually means. I could be wrong but I'm sure it says only 5% of contact is about restarting the relationship and it's the first thing I thought when I read your post. There you are hurting and she reaches out, as soon as you let her know you are still there and are thinking about her she back peddles. If she was genuine that would have been the best response she could get to re-engage and talk about the issues you two have.

I think you should think about why she did not use that response in a more positive way.

[Leonis]

The only contact I get from her these days are for babysitting cost I refuse to pay because she still hasn't bothered to provide the documentations I required.

[I Am Redeemed]

In the lessons section there is a workshop on recycling and what contact actually means. I could be wrong but I'm sure it says only 5% of contact is about restarting the relationship and it's the first thing I thought when I read your post.

Longterm, you are correct. Here is the link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95860.0

It also says that 54% of post-relationship contact from the BPD ex is about overstepping boundaries (asking for favors, help, validation, etc.).

[Hiscaru]

So in all of your opinions, do you think he messaging me saying that she's been thinking about us, was just a one time thing? I mean if she was really thinking of us in my mind she would be a little more talkative and want to talk to me. It seems like as soon as I engage in the conversation regardless of how open I am to talking, she always finds a reason to push me away again. I still don't know what I want, whether I want her back or I want to find someone else. Should I just text her telling her how I honestly feel, or is that a mistake?

[Leonis]

Should I just text her telling her how I honestly feel, or is that a mistake?

The inner troll in me would just be as-a-matter-of-fact and be like "so, what were you thinking about exactly?" and drag on a conversation that leads to nowhere.

The self-preserving me would ignore her.

The codependent me would desperately seek out anything from her, whether it be physical or mental.

[Longterm]

o in all of your opinions, do you think he messaging me saying that she's been thinking about us, was just a one time thing? I mean if she was really thinking of us in my mind she would be a little more talkative and want to talk to me. It seems like as soon as I engage in the conversation regardless of how open I am to talking, she always finds a reason to push me away again. I still don't know what I want, whether I want her back or I want to find someone else. Should I just text her telling her how I honestly feel, or is that a mistake?

Maybe it was a one time thing, maybe it will happen again, who knows? Maybe she was lonely, maybe she wanted to know you care, we could talk about it all day I guess.

What do you want? If you want her back, my advice would be to ignore her, I'm being serious here, ignoring her will make her abandonement issues go into overload. Be warned though, it never normally ends any better the 2nd time round.

If you want to find somebody else? The same advice, ignore her and get on with your life. Although I would suggest staying single for a while and maybe looking into what got you into this mess to begin with?

You could text her I guess but where did that get you last time? Odds are you will trigger her engulfment issues.

[Cromwell]

These are the questions going through my head and I was hoping that some of you awesome people may have some feedback, thank you!

Does it matter to you what she thinks?

[Hiscaru]

I wouldn't necessarily say it matters what she thinks, but It confuses me knowing that maybe she still has something for me. I still love her, regardless of what she did to me. I know it sounds stupid, but for some reason I can't be mad at her.

[OutOfEgypt]

Just for the sake of argument, let's take BPD out of the picture.

You broke up with someone who cheated on you.  Sounds like there were other reasons, too, if you think she's BPD.  They usually say that the best indicator of the future is the past, if nothing changes.  My point is... would it really matter if she still has feelings for you and they were sincere?  

I can tell you that even if I was single and lonely, today, my ex having feelings for me would never be enough for me to even crack a window to allow her back into my life.  Nothing could convince me to let her back in in any capacity, and that's because I went through enough recycles to actually watch it happen in real-time... to see her go from a person who has deep feelings for me to someone who couldn't care less about what she's doing to me and how she's torturing me as soon as she knew she had me.  Regardless of any official diagnosis, I know this person.  I know how she is.  

How did I fall for her in the first place?  I fell for her because of her strong desire for me.  That was the hook.  That's what I thought love was, and that's what I thought relationships are about.  But when I went about finding a new wife, I no longer looked for that.  I didn't look for the same thing at all.  I looked for character.  I looked for someone who takes responsibility for herself.  I looked for someone who has demonstrated stability and the capacity to care for others when nobody is looking -things like that. ;)  No fools gold for me, not this time.  I've been happily remarried for 4 years.

[Hiscaru]

Today I received another text from her, approximately three days after the "I miss us" text. She asked me to get juul pods for her, which are vape pods since I'm of age here and she is not. What does all of this mean, is this just an attempt to use me or does she look for a reason to talk to me? What should I say without being an ass, I still miss and honestly kind of which we were on very good terms.

[OutOfEgypt]

My therapist used to say she was "checking my pulse" - checking to see how easily I would drop everything to tend to her, checking to see how easily I would revolve all my thoughts around her, obsessing and wondering about what she's thinking.  It may not even be something she's consciously thinking through -more like she wants to nudge you to see if you'll bite.

Doesn't matter much what she is thinking.  You aren't her little minion.  I used to think "love" was what I felt as I "adored" my ex-wife.  I held her so highly.  I would do anything to have her need me for something so that I could know she still cared.  What a warped view of love, though... One person expecting to be the center of the universe that people will drop everything to focus on and the other person getting an emotional kick-back from actually complying with that.  Sorry, not trying to be overly negative about it.  I'd just challenge you to consider what "love" really means, here.  Loving someone is caring about what is best for someone, even when we get nothing out of it.  When we are in a relationship with a pwBPD, we tend to replace that with a bizarre relationship contract -they make it all about them, and we make it all about them for the chance of having them give us some of what they gave us in the beginning.

[once removed]

Should I just text her telling her how I honestly feel, or is that a mistake?

whether you want her back, or whether you want to detach, i wouldnt broach the subject any further. she took a baby step, and then pulled back significantly...dont over pursue.

She asked me to get juul pods for her, which are vape pods since I'm of age here and she is not. What does all of this mean, is this just an attempt to use me or does she look for a reason to talk to me?

i dont think there is more meaning to this than she is asking for favors. i dont know if its an attempt/intent to use you, but it is using you.

what do you want to do, Hiscaru?

[Hiscaru]

It's hard for me to see what I'd like to do at this point. I guess the ideal thing for me what to take baby steps and at least attempt to reconcile a little bit. After months of thinking about the situation and bettering myself, I know for a fact I am not to blame for her cheating on me. I would ideally like to text her and let her know how I feel and let her know that while I miss her, I am fine being single and fine being myself. I just feel like all of these texts and calls I'm getting is her trying to get me to indirectly message her. I could be completely wrong, but how will I know if I don't try?

[Longterm]

Outofegypt

One person expecting to be the center of the universe that people will drop everything to focus on and the other person getting an emotional kick-back from actually complying with that.

So true.

Hiscaru

I would ideally like to text her and let her know how I feel and let her know that while I miss her, I am fine being single and fine being myself. 

What I take from this is, is it not her job to pursue you here? She cheated. Normally if you make a mistake do you apologise and try to make it up to the other person? Has she apologised to you or tried to make things right?

[once removed]

I would ideally like to text her and let her know how I feel and let her know that while I miss her, I am fine being single and fine being myself. I just feel like all of these texts and calls I'm getting is her trying to get me to indirectly message her. I could be completely wrong, but how will I know if I don't try?

id encourage you to open a new thread and explore this on the Bettering/Reversing board.

[Hiscaru]

I will create a new thread, she apologized upon me finding out, but things didn't really make amends so we decided to break up.