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Author Topic: Accepting that this stuff never goes away  (Read 957 times)
JNChell
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
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« on: July 07, 2019, 11:28:40 AM »

So, I’ve been off work for a week. My employer shut down for the week. I’ve had S4 for this time which has been nice. Also, though, having this down time and my mind not as occupied has allowed a lot of thinking which has been followed up with a lot of emotions and turning inward. Without going into all of the details, you all understand, I’m realizing that these feelings will always be present with me. This stuff will never go away and I understand why. I have mixed feelings about that. Part of it is scary because I know the depths that I’ve allowed myself to fall to. Along with that is a positive realization. I now know why. When I have certain feelings I can understand them and do my best to deal with them. I suffer from shame. At times it’s toxic, but I think I’m slowly emerging from that. I equate it with losing reality for a moment. I bring myself back. I’m glad that this community exists so that I can speak freely about my feelings.

Trauma is serious stuff. It lasts a lifetime. Deeper understanding about the effects of it have allowed me to grow in certain ways. My empathy has matured hugely. I listen to people better and put effort into hearing what they’re trying say. I’m less selfish. I feel like coming to these realizations and understanding myself better are a big step forward. I hate the fact that I will always struggle with this stuff, but accept it. It is what it is. It can’t be reversed. It can only be managed.

I’ve done a lot of crying behind the scenes this week. My Son doesn’t need to worry like his dad did as a child. Maybe those waterworks were stored up things that needed to come out.

I sent his mom a sincere apology as well. I owned my crap and didn’t call her out on anything. I’ve done that enough and I hope that she and I can eventually find peace between us.

I possess a lot of rage and anger. I also see that my feelings are justified considering how I was raised. I’ve done fairly well at keeping those feelings tamed and under control. They’ve gotten loose a couple of times, so I understand the severity of that. My rage and anger have helped to teach me about mindfulness and staying grounded and keeping myself present. Avoiding trauma responses.

A coworker has turned me onto true crime recently. A podcast that I listen to is great about exploring the childhoods of the criminals that they showcase. One thing that always stands out is how terrible their childhoods were. I consider myself lucky to not have crossed over to that. I know I never will. I’m more than that and genuinely care about people. I think that I’ve put more effort into others opinion of me than I have into caring about myself. From what I’ve learned, this also makes sense.

I hope that this isn’t too off the wall for anyone reading. Just some thoughts that I’ve been having.
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“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
Tsultan
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single for 8 mos.
Posts: 159



« Reply #1 on: July 07, 2019, 01:32:52 PM »

JNChell,

I am glad you got to enjoy some time with your son and you were able have some time to process stuff.   

This gave me goosebumps. (your entire second paragraph)  For some reason my laptop won't let me copy it.

I am right there with you on this especially unraveling all these threads of shame. They are unwinding though.   This stuff has  made us better people I think.  I am grateful for that.  I have been feeling a lot of my cup runneth over these past few days.  I will take it.  I spent the evening of the 3rd with my daughter and her bf.  We cooked clams and burgers at her apartment, then I went to a parade on the 4th and watched her bf drive a village truck in the parade, then my daughter invited me to her bf's parents house for a cookout and a swim.  We all had some really good laughs together and got to know each other better.  I am still getting used to going to places solo but it's getting easier.  I am learning that I can do this on my own too.  At the same time I am relieved that I don't have to be around people who are abusive. I am liking the peace the comes along with that.  I got to enjoy a ride with my horse on evening of the 4th until fireworks started going off all around us and he got spooked!  Emergency exit and called it a night.  On the 5th one of my sponsees invited me over to her house for lunch and we had a good talk.  My job as a sponsor is to simply love her and offer her a safe and nonjudgmental place for her to talk and heal and recover.  I am grateful for the opportunity to give back.  Then the next day I had hotdogs with my sponsor and her husband.  They cook hotdogs every Saturday night and sometimes they invite me over. We enjoy good laughs together and intimate conversations. They are both in recovery and their marriage is a good example.  I adore them.

Just some thoughts I had too...  Now the sun is shining and the temperature is a perfect 72 degrees.

Thanks for sharing.
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madeline7
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« Reply #2 on: July 07, 2019, 02:46:20 PM »

The second paragraph resonated with me as well. How great to share you innermost feelings with us. Your insights are so thoughtful and honest. Sounds like you are in a place of acceptance which is where I hope to be heading.
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JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520



« Reply #3 on: July 10, 2019, 08:45:13 PM »

Bluegill, I’m glad that you’re feeling better and that you had a good time with your daughter. Clams and burgers sound pretty good. Especially burgers. I can barely control myself around cheese burgers. I understand having a hard time going places alone. Not sure if it’s social anxiety, or just not wanting to go because we’d rather go with “someone”. What are your thoughts? Thank you for sharing as well. That was really nice to read. Painted a nice picture.
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“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
********
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520



« Reply #4 on: July 10, 2019, 08:48:40 PM »

madeline7, I’m not quite there. I still have skin to shed. I’m glad that you spoke up here. Would you like to share where you’re at with things?
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“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
madeline7
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Posts: 343


« Reply #5 on: July 10, 2019, 10:17:43 PM »

JNChell,
I compared my stages of grieving the loss of a nurturing Mom and FOO in an earlier post to Elizabeth Kubler Ross's stages of greiving for death and dying. At that time I was stuck in the angry phase. I am now somewhere between anger with lots of sadness thrown in, and desperately seeking acceptance. I no longer bargain, because I know things won't change. I have days where I am closer to acceptance, that this is what it is, but feel that the work is harder since my Mom is elderly and living in my home town. I am in my 60's now and just want a break. My Mom's move to assisted living was in May, so things are definitely easing up, as now there are professional caregivers taking care of the day to day things. But there are also days where I feel like I am just in limbo, waiting for a crisis where the staff will call me and I will be right back there.
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Tsultan
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Relationship status: Single for 8 mos.
Posts: 159



« Reply #6 on: July 11, 2019, 06:42:38 PM »

Hi JNChell, To answer your question:

Not sure if it’s social anxiety, or just not wanting to go because we’d rather go with “someone”. What are your thoughts?

I would definitely rather do life with someone.  There is no denying that.  That is just how I am made I suppose.  Today I am feeling impatient and hopeless with the prospect of finding someone.  My T explained to me the other day that Anxious attachment types (me) are attracted to avoidant attachment types.  Pretty much the story of my life.  Literally since my upbringing and no doubt b/c of my upbringing.  She said being with someone who has a secure attachment style will help me heal.  However, finding one will be a challenge b/c the secure attachment types are with someone b/c they don't leave the r/s.  That reality hit me kind of hard.  I have been processing that one.   

The thing that has been helping me heal too though are the friendships that I have been nurturing and the r/s I have with my kids.  I am more discerning with which friends I have in my life now.

How about you?  Are you able to cultivate a few good friendships?

BG
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JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
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Gender: Male
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520



« Reply #7 on: July 18, 2019, 06:59:34 PM »

Hi, Bluegill. Your T has personality types nailed down. You’re seeing a good one when it comes to our stuff. I want a partner too. A lover. A companion to grow old with. It’s in my makeup. I’ve read the same thing about secure attachment styles. So what do we do? Keep working?

I’m definitely able to maintain my close relationships. Cultivating new ones is happening, but they’re at work.
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“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
Tsultan
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single for 8 mos.
Posts: 159



« Reply #8 on: July 20, 2019, 09:08:02 AM »

JNChell, Yeah I found a good one for this stuff.  She understands the traits and the dynamics. My former T kept saying he was bi-polar but I knew that he didn't have the manic behavior that is associated with that diagnosis.  She had a purpose for a certain period in my life and was very helpful at that time but it was time to move on.

So what do we do? Keep working?

For me, I am going to keep healing for me.  My belief is that if I listen to Gods (my higher power) guidance, which can be my challenge, and let things happen and unfold it will be just the way it's supposed to be.

I read something this morning in one of my daily readers and the story goes like this:

"I recalled a story about a man who labored in his garden, plowing, planting,and weeding. The result was a beautiful and bountiful crop.  His admiring commented on what a glorious harvest God had provided. The man replied dryly, you should see the garden when God is the only one in charge."

I am not pushing any of my spiritual belief system here fyi... 

It is a story that I can relate to b/c at times in my life when I have accepted things for the way they are, things seems to unfold in ways that I could have never planned myself.

I am trying to lean into acceptance and let go and Let God.  Do my part let him do the rest.

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JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
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Gender: Male
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520



« Reply #9 on: July 21, 2019, 01:23:39 AM »

Hi, M7. I haven’t had feelings of waiting for the other shoe to drop when it comes to my parents for quite some time, but I understand. I imagine that it’s a bit freeing to not be burdened and emotionally exhausted as much by her now that she’s in assisted living. What I’m hearing is that your instincts are telling you that it’s only a matter of time before you’re subject to her behavior again. It’s important to listen to your gut. Maybe having this space for now is a good opportunity to prepare for it. Think about setting some strong boundaries around your feelings and emotions for when that time comes. What do you think? 
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“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
madeline7
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« Reply #10 on: July 21, 2019, 08:51:35 AM »

JNChell,
I am definitely getting some space now and starting to exhale. In the past she raged then gave me the silent treatment, and it was a matter of time for me to get back in touch with her, usually out of feelings of obligation. I am feeling less obligated now due to working on my boundaries and the security of knowing she has caregivers helping her. I am feeling somewhat ashamed that it took this move to help me strengthen my boundaries. I know I am doing the best I can, and put on a strong front, but I think the extent of her severe BPD and the amount of time dealing with it is really getting to me. I think I may finally be getting to the point where I no longer wait for the you know what to hit the fan, I am finally taking in the whole of this mess, and taking into consideration what MY needs are.
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JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520



« Reply #11 on: July 21, 2019, 02:57:36 PM »

M7, from what I’ve learned and experienced, our bodies don’t feel the full extent of that anxiety until we’re not in that situation anymore. Comfort and quiet is foreign to our psyche. Our minds and bodies have been conditioned to accept abuse as our normal. When the abuse is removed, our bodies become confused. There’s a communication breakdown between the mind and the body. The signals get crossed and bad feelings emerge. This was a very difficult time for me. The best advice that I received on this was to sit with my feelings. I didn’t really understand that advice at the time, so I asked what it meant. The good people here explained it. It makes more sense the more that I practice it.

Good on you for continuing to work on your boundaries. It’s hard. Communication is hard for me and I was shown a lesson on it. This is hard work, but if we want calmness in our lives, we’ll push through, yeah?

I’m sorry that BPD has you on edge. Try to step back from that edge and look at it. During the healing process there has to be a point of separation followed by letting the toxicity go and looking inside. You’re there. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love your mom. Love yourself first. Decide what is acceptable for you and what isn’t. We should’ve been taught these things as children, but we were raised by children with voting rights.

Continue to focus on your needs. Self care. Keep up the good work for you, M7.
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“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
madeline7
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« Reply #12 on: July 22, 2019, 09:46:30 AM »

Comfort and quiet is definitely a foreign concept. Thank you JNChell for your sage words. I am definitely moving in the right direction. I am also seeing a T, and she agrees that I am on the right path. I had a wonderful weekend with both of my adult kids and grandbaby. I also made gains in spending most of the weekend talking about things other than my Mom with my DH...Now that is a new concept!
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zachira
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« Reply #13 on: July 22, 2019, 12:11:38 PM »

JNChell,
Dealing with trauma is painful and we are here to support you. Just want to remind you as I have said before, that you can heal most of the painful feelings by being present with your feelings and sharing your feelings with others who understand, as you are doing when posting here. You are doing one of the most important things, which is making sure that you are the kind of father that your son deserves. As your son grows and you are able to give yourself more credit for being the kind of father your son deserves, I believe you will start to feel more joy and inner peace. From my experience, the processing of the painful feelings went on for years. My therapist told me that at some point that I would be able to feel joy if I kept processing the painful feelings. It has taken years, and yes, there are some painful residues, and most of the time, I am enjoying life. Keep up the good work and you will get there!
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JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520



« Reply #14 on: July 22, 2019, 12:16:07 PM »

z
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“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
Tsultan
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Relationship status: Single for 8 mos.
Posts: 159



« Reply #15 on: July 23, 2019, 07:12:07 PM »

Zachira,

My therapist told me that at some point that I would be able to feel joy if I kept processing the painful feelings.

 
Right on!   
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