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Author Topic: Inpatient treatment for severely sick and financially unable parents.  (Read 315 times)
LoveOnTheRocks
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« on: July 08, 2019, 04:39:18 PM »

Hi Everyone:
So, my DD20 is quite disabled with her BPD.  I'm not sure if there is a spectrum to this (if you know, please tell me), but I am quite sure that my daughter is not functioning and hasn't functioned well, if ever.  

I tried all of the years she was growing up to get us all ENOUGH help to enable us to avoid the crazy that ultimately ensued.  This is why I am so "done" and "over it" at this point.  Im not only done with myself, and her...but with the entire mental health system we have in place.  Some places told me that the level of care my daughter needed exceeded what they were able to do.  The insurance company wanted significant "tier" advancing (to me this was a game....my daughter was off the chain in huge ways and they wanted her to see a therapist once a week for 6 months....which was so frustrating, and ultimately, really undoable, since my daughter would not cooperate with this "system" and since my husband and I lost it every time we tried this "system" and ultimately, failed....

So, now my DD20 has tried suicide several times to get help....but a few sassy mouthing doctors and nurses at the hospital (on the "inside" where I can't encourage her to stay the course) are enough to send her reeling and demanding to be released.

I dont have the money to pay for her to get treatment.  I am very sick (physically) and am not collecting disability (it takes forever to get and so far, I prefer to struggle to make what ends I have meet....or at least come close enough that I have a roof over my head and food to nourish myself).  There is certainly no extra $$$ for me to send her for treatment.  She is non functioning and unable to hold a job for more than a few days.

When things are extremely bad, where can I turn????....can I turn???? In the past, I haven't found any help at all when attempting to turn.....did I fail to come across something that could have helped, or are my worst nightmares true....the USA frankly doesn't care about it's mentally ill.
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LoveOnTheRocks
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« Reply #1 on: July 09, 2019, 06:58:39 AM »

Have I offended this group?  Maybe coming here and talking out loud about what I am thinking and feeling was a bad idea?  Perhaps I've been too honest? 
I see my post has been read 18 times and gotten no responses?  Am I offensive or offending?
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #2 on: July 09, 2019, 07:37:58 AM »

Hello LoveOnTheRocks
You certainly did not offend me and I seriously doubt you offended anyone else either. This is a safe place to vent. We get it. Your last sentence rings painfully true to me. I don't think our country cares about mentally ill people either. Our health care system is terrible. That said I wish I had advice for you about how to get the services your daughter needs. All I can say is keep trying and take care of your own health. Don't neglect yourself. You might also want to think about getting your daughter on disability through social security. I am sorry to say that is also a daunting process but it might be worth it.
 Oh and to answer your question many here think BPD is a spectrum.
Hugs
Faith

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PeaceMom
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« Reply #3 on: July 09, 2019, 11:42:20 AM »

Hi LOTR,
I’m fairly new here and after reading the posting guidelines, I try to reply if I have any experience in a certain area or I might chime in echoing the need for support with a similar issue. I try to read thru new posts daily to follow along and then comment if I have relevant info.  We too have not had our needs met by the medical community. My insurance has given us the run around and we’ve discovered that unless one has a SUD (substance use disorder), it’s very difficult to get insurance coverage. My DS with BiPolar does receive disability. That system is very subpar and other than the small monthly amount, the medical care and therapy part is odd. For example they might be willing to send a person to sit here in my home a few hours a week. Well, when my kid is in a BP cycle he needs to be in a hospital, when he’s stable, he doesn’t need a babysitter. I’m mentioned in other posts that what I believe is most needed for a lot of these struggling, low-medium functioning young adults is a sort of transitional or assisted living supportive environment. I can only find that for those w/IDs (Intellectual Disabilities). They truly offer remarkable, dignified options in that realm. I feel your pain loneliness and frustration. This forum has been most helpful to me simply to now understand that my insane life is actually semi-normal here at BPDfamily.
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JustYouWait
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« Reply #4 on: July 10, 2019, 09:24:02 AM »

I try to reply if I have any experience in a certain area or I might chime in echoing the need for support with a similar issue. I try to read thru new posts daily to follow along and then comment if I have relevant info.

This.

You don't offend here by posting your story.  Not everyone who clicks on a post has the relevant experience to answer every question - for example, I could not speak to someone who asked about what to do after the loss of a child, or what of do if their child got arrested, or what to do if a child of age declares themselves an adult and refused treatment.

Just because someone reads and doesn't post doesn't mean they don't care.  In fact, sometimes, reading a post and just knowing that someone else is going through the same thing is super helpful to them.  They may also be regularly checking the thread for answers, if their question is the same as yours.  Post count is every click, not different users.  Same user may click multiple times, increasing the "read count".  This goes for you as well.

I didn't answer the substance of your question because we handled our RT differently - loans from a 401k, college fund, and my ex-wife's parents (DD grandparents) donated to the cause.

I hope you keep posting.

you're not alone.

-jyw
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wendydarling
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« Reply #5 on: July 10, 2019, 05:16:21 PM »

Hi LotR  

You've certainly not offended me, either.  I'm across the pond, UK.

Excerpt
I'm not sure if there is a spectrum to this (if you know, please tell me), but I am quite sure that my daughter is not functioning and hasn't functioned well, if ever.  
Yes, BPD like other disorders is spectrum, BPD is often co-morbid.

I wonder if you preparing to provide your DD details where she can gain help, if she gets in touch is the way forward?
What resources are available to your adult DD, my thoughts as a non USA citizen...
~ Disability allowance - severely unwell, unable to hold a job to keep a roof over her head.
~ Local mental health charities that can support her, help her navigate when she is ready to accept medical, housing help....

I recall your DD was staying with your parents a way back. What happened?

WDx
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StressedOutDaily
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« Reply #6 on: July 10, 2019, 05:57:14 PM »

Hi LOTR

Excerpt
the USA frankly doesn't care about it's mentally ill.
. This is how I am feeling today also.   

I have a BPD16 yo daughter.  Her behaviors have recently escalated - severely escalated in the past month. All her T's agree she need to be placed in a RTC.  At this moment I have no idea where she is...she walked out of the house - yelling and swearing at me, threatened to shut off her phone and never come home.  All I did was ask her if she was planning on meeting anyone (she said she was going for a walk and staying in the neighborhood) - her reaction confirmed my suspicions.   ( I know the reason why she is dis-regulated,  her ex-boyfriend who she still loves came by the daycamp she works at, his sister and mother are running it, with his new girlfriend to visit...he had no reason to be there other than to throw the new gf in my daughters face)

Her phone is off, I suspect she got in a car and is off with her new friends...most likely to smoke pot and have sex with someone (to get back at the ex-bf).  I am preparing my self to call the police yet again at 9pm if she is not home.

We are looking to get her into a RTC - but the costs are staggering.  If she needed a kidney there would be no question, and insurance would cover the cost for treatment, and neighbors and friends would rally around, we would have meals cooked for us, and offers to help out.   Mental Illness has such a stigma attached to it....others see my beautiful daughter as bad kid, not a kid who is struggling, there are no offers for help, no casseroles dropped at our doorstep, just people who avoid us like the plague.  As my DH and I struggle to maintain a front of "all is well", and work and try to get her the help she needs, and try to figure out a way to pay for it....exhausting, emotional, isolating and frustrating.   

We may not have the exact same situation, but I am here with you.

~SOD
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PeaceMom
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« Reply #7 on: July 10, 2019, 07:57:35 PM »

Stressed,
I had to comment as this is so similar to what we went thru 3 yrs ago with DD when she was 16. I’ve slowly been able to start sharing in small bits about our/her struggles with safe people. I actually texted a group of girlfriends to say “hey we are really struggling and I can’t seem to get food on the table as my energy level is zero and all efforts are going in to care of DD who is struggling horribly with emotional dysregulation and suicidal thoughts, I am uncomfortable asking but I must-can you put us on a meal delivery plan? One day I hope to return the favor”. Meals started arriving and for 1 month we felt support and love! Just a thought and please disregard if this doesn’t fit.
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StressedOutDaily
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« Reply #8 on: July 10, 2019, 08:30:23 PM »

PeaceMom

Thank you for your suggestion....Im glad you were able to do that and got the support you needed.  Im not there yet.  Maybe some day.   
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LoveOnTheRocks
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« Reply #9 on: July 10, 2019, 08:58:59 PM »

I just heard from my daughter.  She and her BF21 are homeless, and every day they are donating plasma to eat and get a cheap hotel.  They've saved enough to go to the next state where they will hopefully get a job, but they struggle every day.  I was letting them stay at my house, but my daughter as I've posted elsewhere, I am not able, at this time, to deal with her rages.  She told me that she has passed out from donating her plasma, and fell out cold in stores where she was trying to get some food.  She is TINY due to her eating disorder, so I can't imagine how this donating plasma is going for her. My nerves are a wreck.  I was able to have a great conversation, encouraging her, not trying to rescue either of them and just supportively listen to all the plans she and her BF are making.  The conversation went well, but it liked to kill me not to try to jump in and rescue.  That said, I don't have the resources to really help them with all they need, and while she says she is tired of being homeless and "this" that they are struggling through, I also have fixed a million times and my fixes are like sinking sand through an hourglass, so I can't fix....it doesn't fix.

Someone asked about her living with my parents, which she did, but she did all sorts of things to break all the rules they had in place and that fell apart, with my dad as angry as a hornet and my mother distressed as I am.  At least my parents aren't always on my case about being the worst parent ever anymore....they didn't do any better, really, than I've ever done...and now they understand.  No, now they don't ask, dont tell.....that's fine with me, it's less painful for me in the long run.

Well, so, my daughter is homeless, living in a rat hotel, donating plasma when she probably doesn't weigh 100 pounds, and I can celebrate having had a successful conversation with her, and celebrate even more that I didn't try what I've always tried in the past, and that which has never worked and always ended with me a wreck, sleepless and disturbed and upset and undone.  I have to remember that my home is not an option and when here, my stuff disappears, I am uncomfortable, because literally anything can set off a rage that will require the police...and on, and on, and on.  This is better....but not by much.......I thought it takes a village, but there is no village....and without me, she is homeless.  I don't feel so well, tbh.
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JustYouWait
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« Reply #10 on: July 11, 2019, 07:14:17 AM »

LOTR -

There is a ton to unpack here:


Well, so, my daughter is homeless, living in a rat hotel, donating plasma when she probably doesn't weigh 100 pounds,


That's not on you, that's on her.  Her choice to be on the road with her BF.  Her choice to live where she lives, and do what she does to eat.  You offered your home, under your rules, and she chose not to accept that offer.


and I can celebrate having had a successful conversation with her, and celebrate even more that I didn't try what I've always tried in the past, and that which has never worked and always ended with me a wreck, sleepless and disturbed and upset and undone.


You can, and it's perfectly ok to, celebrate this step forward.  You admit that what you've done to this point hasn't worked, and you made the decision to change.  That in and of itself is worthy of celebration.

I have to remember that my home is not an option and when here, my stuff disappears, I am uncomfortable, because literally anything can set off a rage that will require the police...and on, and on, and on.


Celebrate the completely logical and perfectly acceptable boundary you've set.  Also celebrate the respect of that boundary by DD.

This is better....but not by much.......

"Better" is the key word in this sentence, to me.  Anything is better than what it was, right?  Baby steps.

I thought it takes a village,

It does.

but there is no village....


Psst...You're standing in the middle of it.  Maybe think of it as YOUR village, not hers.  We're your village.  This is yours.  Welcome.  There's a gathering daily.  Bring a side dish.

*you can also be a member of her village.  You just don't have to be the Mayor of that one.  That's her job.  You can be on the Village Counsel of that place.

and without me, she is homeless. 

Nah, she's homeless because of her choices.  She has a place to stay, she just doesn't want to live by the rules set forth in order to be able to stay there.

I don't feel so well, tbh.

Here's the big one, the most important one, and really, the only thing that matters to me today (of course I have concern for your DD as well, but you're worried about her enough for all of us, so I'll concentrate on you):

Please get some help.  Call someone.  A therapist.  A doctor.  A pastor. A friend. Anyone or anything to help you feel better, even if it is temporary.

Post here.

One of the things I learned through my journey is that the caretakers have to be taken care of or they wont be able to care for the ones they need caring for.

I hope this helps.

You're not alone.


-jyw
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
PeaceMom
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« Reply #11 on: July 11, 2019, 08:48:11 AM »

LOTR-
I’m standing here in the trenches celebrating a victory with you.
Nothing changes if nothing changes ! You just changed your approach-nice!

Great and insightful wisdom here from JYW. I so appreciate your honest and thought provoking points-they are important here in this space.

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JustYouWait
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« Reply #12 on: July 11, 2019, 09:04:30 AM »

I so appreciate your honest and thought provoking points-they are important here in this space.

If that was directed at me, you're welcome, but I can take very little credit, these concepts were learned with the help of doctors, personal therapists, DD's therapists, and the counselors at RT.

The concepts were molded into what worked for ME, and may not work for everyone, but if they do, use them freely, then pass them on one day.  It's the least we can do for anyone in our situation.
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LoveOnTheRocks
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« Reply #13 on: July 16, 2019, 07:20:08 AM »

I've been gone for a few days....a mini vacation with my husband, which was nice, and which redirected me for enough days that I feel some better. 

Thanks for some great responses and good feedback/suggestions here.  I sometimes feel so discouraged and upset about things.  While my DD is on her own and not in regular contact with me these days, which gives me a chance to recover from some of the painful things that takes place when she is around, I still struggle to accept what is, and that is that reality dictates that we never got to have a more or less normal situation raising our child, and that in future, we have to walk landmines, as in the past, in order to have the most successful contact with her.

I am grateful for the group here.  When I came in from traveling last night, I literally checked in here for a moment, before unpacking and so forth, just to see what "my people" were talking about....it really doesn't work like that, so I signed off rather quickly, because I didn't have time to really read and consider the discussions posted, but the comments above about this group being my village....it's likely happening for me....that I am going to become more of a part here, and that's good.  My husband doesn't like to talk about the BPD ripping our lives apart for all those years.  He and I have made a "pact" to enjoy our lives now...our time....and not looking back all the time is his preference.  Also, he accepts the No Contact going on right now and just hopes she is doing ok....for me, it's not as easy. 

I am so sad that I can't help her transition from living at home to living on her own.  I want to help like mothers often do, and I miss her, even though being physically close to her is like sitting in a room with a 5 year old with a loaded stun gun, and inevidebly, they pull the trigger every time, it's just a matter of when, and I get jolted with the volts...plenty of them, and repeatedly.....so, NC has it's benefits, but for all of us, it also has it's pitfalls, too. 

For today, though, I am recovering from what has been and learning from all of you how to more readily prevent the same results in the future.  I expect she and I will have contact again in future, and I want it to be much more positive, so I want to stick around and learn how to make it happen more smoothly.  Also, time away helps me to calm down and work through all the violations (like stealing so much of my stuff and selling it for pennies on the dollar while I have to replace it at full cost....things that have me really upset!!!)....
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