Switching between two totally different people

[Pemi23]

Just curious if anyone else experiences this.. does your loved one with BPD go through stages (even for up to weeks or months at a time)  where they are very stable and healthy, with very minimal borderline symptoms?  It’s like they are a different person. But then they switch right back to all of the very high intensity borderline traits?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ventak]

Yes for mine.  Very consistently, usually related to depressive episodes but I'm never sure if the depression is a cause or effect...

Over the past few years we've had all but maybe 12 weeks that were one episode a month or so...  We're currently in a five to ten per week eight week gauntlet.  Ugh! 

[once removed]

what sort of traits/symptoms are you experiencing from her?

[ChTown]

Yes. Well...yes-ISH. My BPD H can go several weeks without a big split, but no more than a day or two without a bout of irrational behavior, ie. ignoring one of the kids because a chip bag they opened was too loud, muttering horrible things under his breath then ignoring me because I said, "huh?" when I didn't hear what he said...

[The Wind]

Yes! I wondered early in the relationship, does she have different personalities?

The greatest calm, logical, rational thinking brain I've ever experienced with her was during the second half of her pregnancy. She was so balanced, not angry or mean, no outburst or splitting, she was completely "normal". That led me to believe that her symptoms are related to hormones, and while I haven't done enough deep digging into it yet, I know there have been studies linking bpd symptoms with hormones.

I still see it in her, and she even recognizes the link between her mood and hormones and I've asked her many times to explore this possibility, but she hasn't so far.

Even outside of pregnancy she's experienced times of calm with little to no splitting or irrational behavior.

[Pemi23]

 Sorry for the long delay with responding. Honestly, when he is doing well, in that stable state, I like to soak it in and pretend that’s the real him. It’s my own coping mechanism, where I pretend the bad part was never even there. But it always comes back. And I’m heartbroken each time. I don’t know how people survive in a relationship like this. It’s so draining. I have holes in my wall that he punched. How much more can we take?

[Leigh122]

I can totally relate to what you are saying my uBPDh changes about every two weeks.  He is an absolute dream when things are good for him, but when things are bad...its heartbreaking for me.  Within the last few months, I've been learning to detach on both the good and the bad times.  It definitely helped me.  I'm not as emotionally as I was before, not ideal but it's self preservation.  It's actually helped me to focus on me and take my life back since it's been consumed by his behavior. 

[hope2727]

Yup. Ok I am not exactly proud of this but before I knew about BPD I put a menstrual tracker app on my phone and tracked his moods. When he was losing it one day I opened the app to the graph that showed his mood pattern over several months, turned it around to face him, and piped up "don't worry its just your manstruation you will feel better in a couple of days".   Suffice is to say it did not go over well.   However, it pointed out that he did have about a 43 day cycle. I could almost predict what was coming based on that little app. He also had an overarching annual cycle that peaked in the first week of May with a major blow out each year. Sigh. Poor fellow. Love(d) him to death but wasn't willing to lose my soul to his cycle of madness.

[Leigh122]

I’m sorry,  I understand how terrible it is...but that made me laugh. Thank you for sharing that. If the shifts were longer than two weeks, I would track his moods too.  I feel my uBPDh feels great then either something triggers it, he doesn’t feel like he deserves it or feels insecure.  While I don’t wish this on you, it’s comforting to know that someone understands.

[hope2727]

Glad I could give you a giggle. Laugh away. It was actually pretty funny. Mine switched between his personality, moods, belief systems, goals, ideals etc constantly. It was dizzying. You are not alone.

[Pemi23]

Thank you, yes it’s always good to hear that others understand. Misery loves company! I don’t know if I could detach during the good (like was mentioned in one of the above replies) because I really do love him and we share two kids together. I just want things to be good. But “self preservation” is a good descriptor. It’s something I don’t have right now. Tonight I sat in my closet and cried with the door shut. He is the most exhausting thing that’s ever come into my life. Any advice on how to get someone with BPD to help themselves? Whether it’s actual treatment or smaller tasks like eating and sleeping better, exercise, etc...? Is there any hope at all? Or am I just staying aboard a sinking ship?

[Red5]

Any advice on how to get someone with BPD to help themselves?

Hello 99,

The best thing you can do is ‘set an example’... perhaps your borderline will follow you,  and definitely don’t “tell” them... “hey, you’ve got bpd, I’m sure of it, see here in this book I’m  reading... “Stop Walking on Eggshells”... that's you Babe!...

No, they will have you drawn and quartered... don’t do that.

Our cycle was eleven days... like was written... I ‘tracked and graphed it’... eleven ‘daze’...

You could trust this cycle like the tide charts!

Hang in there,

Red5

[Stillhopeful4]

Yes, mine does.  She tends to cycle every two years.  One year is good, the second year she starts to look for reasons and usually in June/July of year two she leaves and totally discards me, turning to others and usually comes back around in the fall.

[once removed]

It’s like they are a different person. But then they switch right back to all of the very high intensity borderline traits?

i think this is one of the things that can be confusing for all of us.

the UK refers to BPD as "emotional regulation disorder", and it can be easier to understand if you think about it that way. bpd doesnt come and go, and though it can feel like it, it isnt two different personalities. what you see, both the good and the bad, is what you get.

we all do badly under stress, but people with BPD do worse. they respond in extreme ways, and have disproportionate reactions (perceived slights or criticisms, rejection, that sort of thing) to things that most would consider minimal.

I like to soak it in and pretend that’s the real him. It’s my own coping mechanism, where I pretend the bad part was never even there.

you will play straight into things if you see it this way, and cope this way, and you will never know which way the wind is blowing. educate yourself on the disorder. get support here. experts will tell you that its critical.

Tonight I sat in my closet and cried with the door shut.

whats going on Pemi? why were you crying?

[Pemi23]

Thank you... I cried because it’s so hard. Walking on eggshells is my life. The outbursts, constantly offending him (without realizing), never getting a break. Every single little thing is an issue. How do others manage their own self care?

[Dave89]

Hi Pemi23,

I can agree with others here - my wife (BPD and Bipolar) can go well for some time, seems she can even win it when something happens (usually max - 1 month) and she starts behaving destructive and the anger towards me begin to set in. That state can last up to few months until she explodes and I can’t take it anymore too...

How do others manage their own self care?

It is always hard for me to take care of myself when I am around her, I tend to focus too much on her ilness and find some solutions when there is none.. I mean no miracle that could make her symptoms stop. Because of me being very sensitive to her state I tended to regulate her and tried to make our routine stable. But it never worked. Then I myself got angry because she was angry already for many months... i needed to learn to detach. And that can be very hard if you love someone, but that is the only way to survive and not go in the hell together.

I’m not that good of example, but now (I am separated with her for few weeks) I try to take care of myself. I do physical activities (gym, walking, hiking) to feel beter, breathing excercises to reduce anxiety and cold exposure to remove those paralising emotions. I also try to do organic juices to help my body get stronger. I have theraphy session each week. I try to seek out to friends that are capable of having meaningful conversations and that could listen to my feelings without judgment. Even with all that it isn’t that easy. But it’s better than nothing. My sleep is messed up, I have a pain in my heart area and I have lost my apetite and are underweight...and I cry too. That helps to release at least some heavy stuff we had built by living in this nightmare.  I just wrote you this so that you know that you are not alone.