what is the reality?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have this expectation that after my parents pass, I will be truly free of my BPDsis, with whom I am NC. For those of you who have gone through this, is it a realistic expectation?

[LeneLu]

I have this expectation that after my parents pass, I will be truly free of my BPDsis, with whom I am NC. For those of you who have gone through this, is it a realistic expectation?

[No-One]

Hi LeneLu:
Situations can differ.  If you don't have other family members or mutual friends, and a desire to socialize with them, then you can hold your boundaries and remain NC with your sister. 

There are a lot of possible scenarios with elderly parents, end-of-life care and estate settlement.  You could be forced into some difficult situations with your sister in the future.  If someone, other than you or your sister, has POA for your parents and is executor or trustee of their estate, then things will be simpler. If you, your sister, or both of you are jointly involved with end-of life business, then you will likely have to travel a rocky road before your have a peaceful NC situation.

After your parents are deceased and all legal matters settled, you can be in a position to maintain uninterrupted NC with your sister.  Your sister could try and make contact with you in future years (or others may try to prompt a reconciliation), but it's up to you as to whether you maintain NC forever or slip  into an occasional LC situation.

In my situation, I found that it was best for me to just let some other relationships go, as well (niece, nephew & cousin).  It can be impossible to interact with some people without problems or a drama triangle.  In some situations, it can become obvious that someone connected with a sibling is on a scouting expedition to get info. and report back to the sibling. 

I think it's possible to go NC and maintain that position.  It doesn't necessarily mean that you never think of your sibling again, or that you don't forgive them for the horrible things they may have done.  You can get to a place that you forgive them, hope their life goes well, but maintain NC.

[LeneLu]

No-One,

Thanks for the thoughtful response.  What you shared is quite relieving.  I am looking forward to there being no triangulation once they are gone (that is not to say that I looking for my parents not being around).  This is just such an unpredictable disease, I just don't know what to expect, so it is nice to hear from someone that has been through it.  Fortunately, my brother is executor.  I will not be involved in any of that business.

Also, she has no children, so that is not a sacrifice I have had to endure.  I am sorry for you if your other relationships were collateral damage.  Having said that, I do have a child and this has been very hard on him.  I often think "she hates me more than she loves him" and was willing to give him up in the face of taking any responsibility. 

Anyway, thanks again.  Your message did help alleviate some of my anxiety.