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Author Topic: She's moving out  (Read 147 times)
MomSA
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« on: July 13, 2019, 01:08:46 AM »

Our daughter has found a house share and is moving out at the end of July. In most cases with normal kids this would be a time to celebrate and be excited that your child is becoming an adult.

For ours she is moving out with a major financial shortfall in her budget, because she says she wants to have friends over to smoke weed  (and we don't permit it), and have the freedom to live like she wants to. At our home she can come and go as she wants, which she does, but we do not allow her to drink wildly or use weed or waltz her latest man through the home.

Our major concerns are that she 1600 short on her living expenses - but she doesn't care. Also that last year her weed usage was totally out of control and she was driving under the influence. She has a warrant which states that if she becomes a danger to herself and others again she has to go to rehab.

Our country allows for weed usage - grown at home and used at home :/ - so she thinks moving out is the solution to her problem....

My husband is threatening to take her car away from her if she uses. I just don't see this as effective.

We are having a meeting with her, her therapist and her psychologist before she moves in 2 weeks time and I really want to be effective with her.

Points I want to raise are:

You were in rehab for 3 months, you saw what drug use did to people, weed being the first step in a long path.
You didn't regulate your usage and you ended up anxious, suicidal and estranged from your family.
You don't even have money for your total budget, where are you going to get money from for weed?

Does anyone have words for me? Advice? Wisdom? I know she will ultimately do what she wants to do...
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Longterm
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« Reply #1 on: July 13, 2019, 01:52:37 AM »

Hi MomSA.

I don't have much advice apart from let her make her own mistakes and deal with the consequences. Whenever my daughter goes off on one I pretty much leave her too it apart from asking her to make contact daily to let me know she's ok. I worry yes, but I have learned that in General, people will do what they want to do.

You didn't regulate your usage and you ended up anxious, suicidal and estranged from your family.

This stuck out for me and I'm going to have a little rant now. I detest weed with a passion, my ex went through a cycle with weed and it always started and ended the same. It would start off as a really small amount, "I'll just smoke it weekends", then it would slowly increase to "I'll only smoke it when the kids are in bed, they stress me out". Then eventually she would become depressed, I would get her on anti-d's and she would quit for a few months then rinse repeat. The worst I have ever seen her is just before we split, she was taking my son to school then drugs all day. My daughter displays a similar pattern. This drug imo causes depression when consumed in large amounts and has an adverse effect on anybody who dabbles with it. I have seen it ruin good people, it is rife where I live and I seriously struggle to understand why some countries choose to legalize it. It makes imo symptoms of BPD worse as it is a mind altering drug and I feel it can contribute to deregulation.
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It is, was, and always will be, all about her.
Lollypop
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« Reply #2 on: July 13, 2019, 03:02:47 AM »

Hi momSa

I wonder if your daughter would consider staying for a little longer while she gets her finances in order?

I think I already know the answer to this!

I’m sorry I can’t remember if this is your older daughter 24 or younger.

Your concerns are understandable. My son left three times under a cloud. She’s going to need your emotional support even if she doesn’t think so. Is she listening right now?

How do you want her to feel when she leaves home? Because what you say and how you say it will have a lot to do with that.

LP

Ps. I don’t insist on daily messages as I know my son would resent them. He’d end up not texting and we’d get caught up in a stressy thing about the texting. I prefer a call and I make mine short and sweet, with an offer to join us for a meal every couple of weeks. Often he calls me. I can tell from his tone of voice how he is.




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     The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing & to watch someone else doing it wrong, without comment. ~ T.H. White
PeaceMom
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« Reply #3 on: July 13, 2019, 07:45:34 AM »

I hate weed too. It’s not legal where we live bc it’s such a conservative area, but that doesn’t stop the usage. They’ve only just started all the CBD oils, creams, etc. I guess there may be some true value there for aches and pains.

MomSA, it’s gonna be so hard for you to simply sit and watch her go in such an unprepared state, but what else can you do? As for the car, I’d gift it to her and transfer title to protect yourself from legal consequences if she gets in accident. OR if you don’t feel like that’s the right move, then you will have to police her driving and be ready to take it/sell it if she violates a rule. I couldn’t/wouldn’t take on that job. I can’t add that to my plate. Radical acceptance must be a part of this in your mind.

The upcoming meeting would be a good time to have a few simple things written out to go over w/all. Could you send something to therapist ahead of time in writing? Going over a written list in a group might help set some limits for you and your H on paper with regard to the move and future financial and /or legal probs of your DD. I’m sure you aren’t co-signing the lease, right?
Love Lolly’s idea of a phone call. Tone of voice is so much more telling than a text.
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MomSA
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« Reply #4 on: July 14, 2019, 07:34:19 AM »

I don't have much advice apart from let her make her own mistakes and deal with the consequences. Whenever my daughter goes off on one I pretty much leave her too it apart from asking her to make contact daily to let me know she's ok. I worry yes, but I have learned that in General, people will do what they want to do.
Thanks Longterm, if it were just up to me, I would let her go and bump her head. My dh isn't in agreement with this so we need to find a dialectical balance where he can live with his conscience.

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MomSA
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« Reply #5 on: July 14, 2019, 07:38:56 AM »

Hi Lollypop

I wonder if your daughter would consider staying for a little longer while she gets her finances in order?

I have asked her, she says no.

I’m sorry I can’t remember if this is your older daughter 24 or younger.
She's 20

She’s going to need your emotional support even if she doesn’t think so. Is she listening right now?
Yes, she's open to me and regulated currently.

How do you want her to feel when she leaves home? Because what you say and how you say it will have a lot to do with that.

My husband wants to do the whole cutting off, you're on your own vibe. I would like to have her go, knowing she's making an impulsive decision, but that I will support her emotionally, not financially.


. I don’t insist on daily messages as I know my son would resent them.
 

Good point. She won't be living or working too far from me, so perhaps I can take her out on her lunch break once a week or so. If my dh gets his way, she won't be choosing to come home much.
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MomSA
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« Reply #6 on: July 14, 2019, 07:46:18 AM »

Hi PeaceMom
MomSA, it’s gonna be so hard for you to simply sit and watch her go in such an unprepared state, but what else can you do? As for the car, I’d gift it to her and transfer title to protect yourself from legal consequences if she gets in accident. OR if you don’t feel like that’s the right move, then you will have to police her driving and be ready to take it/sell it if she violates a rule. I couldn’t/wouldn’t take on that job. I can’t add that to my plate. Radical acceptance must be a part of this in your mind.
No there's not much I can do and am settled on her leaving. My husband has the car in his name and she signed a document stating she would not drink/use and drive. She says she will still stick to that, but if she wants to smoke a joint she will in her own home.

The upcoming meeting would be a good time to have a few simple things written out to go over w/all. Could you send something to therapist ahead of time in writing? Going over a written list in a group might help set some limits for you and your H on paper with regard to the move and future financial and /or legal probs of your DD. I’m sure you aren’t co-signing the lease, right?

We are not co-signing the lease. I have asked my husband to write out what he wants to say and reread it again over a few days and edit it to be clear and careful about what he says. He probably won't take my advice...I will have mine ready, this is a practise I have used over the last few months to make sure I say what must be said without bitterness, anger or too many words which confuse the issues.
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wendydarling
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« Reply #7 on: July 14, 2019, 08:07:55 AM »

Excerpt
I have asked my husband to write out what he wants to say and reread it again over a few days and edit it to be clear and careful about what he says. He probably won't take my advice...I will have mine ready, this is a practise I have used over the last few months to make sure I say what must be said without bitterness, anger or too many words which confuse the issues.
Such a good idea MomSA If you want to share here, people sometimes do and find feedback helpful. A question I'd ask myself is what does my DD want, need to hear, bearing in mind she's an adult.

WDx
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