Should I admit I lied (but I didn't)

[DC Dad]

My W is on a new kick now where she is insisting that I fess up to lying about things that were actual unfortunate mistakes.

Example, my W asked me if I thought we might be able to afford a trip to Paris this year.  I gave it some thought and said "Yeah, if we start saving now and cut back on some other stuff, sure."  Fast forward two months and it turned out that we had less cash on hand than I thought.  So I told her we didn't have the money, and we'd have to put it off.  The explosion that followed is not novel to any of us.

But now she has been demanding that I confess that I lied to her when I told her that we would be able to go.  And this isn't the only topic on which she is pulling this. I don't understand it.

I know it's semantics, but I feel like if I say "I lied" she will weaponize it.  Has anyone else dealt with this?  What did you do?  How did it work out?

DC (the liar) Dad

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[boatingwoman]

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

[once removed]

The explosion that followed is not novel to any of us.

But now she has been demanding that I confess that I lied to her when I told her that we would be able to go.

can you tell us more about what went down, what she is saying?

[Ozzie101]

It sounds to me like she's disappointed in the Paris trip situation and is handling her negative emotions by lashing out at you (a very common situation in pwBPD).

You do not want to invalidate the invalid. Don't agree/admit to something you know not to be true. But there are ways to be empathetic. So far, how have you been responding to her demands?

[Ventak]

Unsure if you were just using that as an example, or seeking advice on that particular problem.

I face a similar dilemma, where I'm asked if we can afford something.  The answer is invariably "yes, but".  I've learned that pwBPD only hears the "yes".  In our case it is "yes" we can afford that $20 item, but not 1000 of those $20 items.  If your W is the same, you did in fact lie to her from her point of view.

It might be useful in that situation to say no, but...  As in "No, but if we put a budget together and scrimp the next few months we might be able to pull it off".  Then weekly go over how close you are to the goal.

With my W, I always assume that it has to do with seeing everything black/white.  The answer you gave was actually a "maybe", but that is a gray area... so became a "yes".  My W also hears what she wants to hear, if yours is the same it is important to be very clear and best to write it down.

[LoneRanger307]

Hey this sounds familiar! I had a conversation with my BPDh last week about "lies" he wanted me to acknowledge. They were almost all things involving other people, where the other person changed their mind or boundaries. (Mostly involving my Narc father.)

As discussed in therapy, I reflected what he was saying first, to make sure I understood his perspective. And I validated his emotion, "that is frustrating," "that was disappointing, " "I see why you feel that way." I also very calmly noted that these things were mostly out of my control, and it was never my intention to lie or present false information. It all went ok, though we still had to review some sticking poiints in therapy. (Such as his request that I commit to never telling him a lie.)

Learning that I could validate the emotion without agreeing with him was helpful. Funny to be accused of lying by someone who was a compulsive liar for decades.