I'm so confused.

[Carlile]

Hi there. This is only my second time posting. I've been reading many posts and feel comforted and less alone when I hear similar struggles that all of us seem to share. Last week on our vacation, I shared many of my thoughts and feelings with my H who has BPD. I talked openly and honestly about how his negativity and jealousy over my kids and family is really hard for me. I give him so much time with just the two of us, but whenever my kids or family come into the picture, he gets so angry. He doesn't like me sharing my time with anyone but him. I feel as though I'm at my limit of what I can or can't take in anymore. No matter what I say, it isn't the "right" response and he gets angry. This morning as I was leaving for work, I kissed my H goodbye and said have a great day. I went upstairs to say goodbye to my 13 yr old son and when I came back downstairs, my H was in the kitchen not happy. He said "I have to tell you that it really hurts me that you go upstairs and tell your son how much you love him but all you said to me was have a great day." I told him I thought I said "I love you" to him as well and he flipped out on me. Saying that I love my son more than I love him. I told him that I had to go to work but would like to talk more about this when I don't have to run out the door. He said "There's nothing to talk about. Apparently I'm not able to share my feelings."

The thing is, there is more to talk about. He shares his feelings, yells and then goes on about his day, being mad at me. In the moment, I cannot say anything that makes him feel better. It's always the wrong thing. I'm writing down my thoughts in a letter to him because when I speak them, he always turns my words around and uses them against me. I feel so sad and so lost and so confused as to what my future holds. It's just hard sometimes. Everyone in my family sees it clearly and they don't understand why I haven't left him. My children are from a different marriage so it's not the custody I'm worried about. I worry how he'll react and I feel sad thinking that we won't be in each other's lives, because I do love him. He told me last week that if I leave him, he has no will to live. He has said that before and I know he isn't my responsibility but as a loving human being, how do I hear that and even consider leaving?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tamismom]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I have to say that it all sounds so incredibly familar, but with me it's my DD. The whole feeling inferior or unloved, not being a priority, all rings so true. Also, not being able to say anything helpful! I find that managing a conversation at that point is impossible, so I've been trying to at least sneak in a few DBT tricks like Radical Acceptance and some "detaching with love". It's difficult, but we have to keep our own emotions safe while trying to understand.

I don't live with DD33 but she does visit for extended periods and whether here or many miles away, if I pay any sort of attention to my husband (not her father) I get her wrath and guilt heaped upon.

Feel for you, truly. Hang in there.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Carlile,

I know this is really hard. I can see that you are struggling with how to respond to your h's extreme sensitivity. It seems like nothing you say or do is "right" and his feelings get hurt very easily.

I told him I thought I said "I love you" to him as well and he flipped out on me. Saying that I love my son more than I love him.

This is an example of JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). Many times we think if we just explain our position or clarify what we intended, it will make things better. With pwbpd, it often has the opposite effect because it invalidates their perception of the event. Here is an article that explains JADE further:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

He said "There's nothing to talk about. Apparently I'm not able to share my feelings."

[...]

 He told me last week that if I leave him, he has no will to live. He has said that before and I know he isn't my responsibility but as a loving human being, how do I hear that and even consider leaving?

It sounds like you are experiencing FOG (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt). Many times people with dysfunctional coping skills use FOG to get their emotional needs met by another person. It sounds like this is what is happening with your h. He is indirectly trying to get his needs met in a maladaptive fashion.

This is a great article that goes into detail about what FOG is:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

I suspect that you are operating out of FOG regarding your interactions with your family because you don't want to hurt your h's feelings or have him get angry. The thing is, we can't control another person's response, but that does not mean we have to be controlled out of the fear of that person's response.

Can you take a look at these resources and see what you think?

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[G1B8oN]

Oh wow, this is also familiar to me too.

I live with my uBPD girlfriend and her friend (who I discovered after I moved in was actually her ex partner).

I always get up for work earlier than my partner and every morning give her a kiss on the forehead, wish her a good day and tell her I love her. I sometimes used to cross paths with her friend who was coming home from a night shift on my way out of the house and I'd say hi and she'd update me on the motorway traffic.

That was until my partner heard us talking one morning and FLIPPED OUT!

She was so upset and angry that she wasn't the last person I spoke to as I left the house and insisted that I no longer speak to her friend. Cue months of us dutifully passing each other in awkward silence until I realised how controlled we we being and how utterly ridiculous the situation was!

Hopefully the friend is moving out soon and I won't get swept up as much into ridiculous drama triangles like this.

[Carlile]

Thank you all for your support and sharing your stories with me. It really is such a challenge and it hurts me to know that I'm hurting someone's feelings, yet I know I need to also focus on my feelings too. Redeemed - thank you for sharing the articles on JADE and FOG. I found both of them to be helpful. We're now back to where we always go. He's texting me acting like nothing happened and everything's fine. Yet I cried all of the way to work and can't seem to focus on any one thing. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind. Luckily, I see my therapist tomorrow.
Thanks again for your kindness and feedback.

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm glad you will be seeing your therapist tomorrow. Perhaps you could describe the situation to your T (therapist) just as you did to us, and talk about how you feel when your h tells you that you are hurting his feelings.

It may help you also to realize that many times pwbpd find external sources to blame for their internal feelings. For instance, your husband's jealousy of your son may stem from his fear of abandonment and his insecurity. There are many instances on these boards of people whose bpd partners had trouble understanding that people can love different family members/friends in different ways and that it does not detract from their r/s with their partner. Pwbpd often enmesh with those that they love and do not understand that their partner is a separate individual.

Your husband's feelings may be hurt, but that does not always mean that you are the cause even if he tells you that you are. Placing the blame on you for his feelings that stem from insecurity or other internal issues means that he doesn't have to take responsibility for his feelings. It's victim mode and an attempt to make you responsible for how he feels.

[ChTown]

We're now back to where we always go. He's texting me acting like nothing happened and everything's fine.

I understand this all too well. My BPDh told me on Sunday that he's leaving me, he feels our marriage has been awful for 5+ years, he's never fit in, etc. Monday--back to normal--like nothing ever happened. My heart still hurts, though.

Sending you hugs, friend. I know how much it stings--even when you don't want it to.

[Carlile]

Thank you Redeemed and ChTown. That makes a lot of sense about my H having trouble understanding that people can love different family members/friends in different ways and that it does not detract from his r/s with me. It often feels controlling and like he owns me and I have a really hard time with that. I think the hardest part for me to wrap my head around is that I don't believe he's doing this intentionally. I know it comes from a place of fear of abandonment. I will definitely be talking to my T about all of this tomorrow. I am very thankful though that in the meantime I can come here for advice and/or understanding. Just knowing that I'm not alone helps.