Regaining Concentration and Focus

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Things have been bad in my marriage with my uBPDw for so long.  I just moved out and I'm filing to share custody of my kids.  I'm struggling at work.  I'm an analyst and often I come to work and have to solve problems I might not have worked on before.  I'm so far behind, because I just can't get my brain in gear.  I struggle to do anything beyond menial tasks.  I seem to have survived for a while now, but things are starting to ramp up on the second half of the year and will get busy.  If I continue at my current pace, I'm going to drop the ball in a big way for the rest of my team.

How have other people gotten through this?  I know, it's really bad the more often I have contact with my uBPDw.  However, we have four kids and I want shared custody.  So no contact doesn't seem feasible, in my mind.  There's got to be something though.

[Wilkinson]

Things have been bad in my marriage with my uBPDw for so long.  I just moved out and I'm filing to share custody of my kids.  I'm struggling at work.  I'm an analyst and often I come to work and have to solve problems I might not have worked on before.  I'm so far behind, because I just can't get my brain in gear.  I struggle to do anything beyond menial tasks.  I seem to have survived for a while now, but things are starting to ramp up on the second half of the year and will get busy.  If I continue at my current pace, I'm going to drop the ball in a big way for the rest of my team.

How have other people gotten through this?  I know, it's really bad the more often I have contact with my uBPDw.  However, we have four kids and I want shared custody.  So no contact doesn't seem feasible, in my mind.  There's got to be something though.

[clvrnn]

Have you spoken to anyone you work with (a manager or colleague) about how you're feeling, and your worries about your workload? Maybe that would help you to see things a bit clearer. Maybe the thought of dropping the ball is adding to the stresses, slightly?

[once removed]

I'm so far behind, because I just can't get my brain in gear.

i know what a pain that can be.

do you think you might be experiencing depression and/or anxiety?

[Wilkinson]

I talked to my doctor about it and she put me on anti-depressants, but it still hasn't helped. I don't know.  I wasn't sure what I'd get for a response. I had this dream that someone had a magic bullet for this.  I'm trying to change locations where I work to see if a new environment will change. 

Maybe I'm just in a cycle of not doing anything because of stress and I need to find a way to break it.

[Mutt]

Hi Wilkinson,

I'm sorry that you're going through this right now. How long have you been on anti-depressants they can take several weeks to work. They don't make everything like sunshine and rainbows but what they do in my opinion is they give you the ability to function better - you're not fighting yourself to get through the day.

I have three kids and I have shared custody you are right that you can't go no contact but you can have controlled contact - you can choose what you respond to. For example I don't share anything about my personal life with exuBPDw I keep things focused on the subject about the kids and that's it.

Some times she'll try to bait because she's emotionally dysregulated or there is something that is going on in her life but I don't take the bait and I don't JADE. There are simple tactics that you can learn that will go a long way and you're going to need time behind you as well things are not always going to be this acute.

I'd also suggest to read as much as you can about BPD there is a reason why she behaves the way that she does and once that you understand that you can depersonalize the behaviours and become indifferent to them. You'll see a pattern of behaviours as well too once that you understand how a pwBPD behave that can help you a lot.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Wilkinson, Give yourself a break!  You've been through an ordeal so of course it's going to take time for you to get back on your feet.  Suggest you be kind to yourself.  Your intellect will return, I predict.  Maybe start with something you have already solved while working on a new problem, as a way to build your confidence back.

Anti-depressants can serve as one prong of your recovery, yet I would suggest using other strategies to complement your Rx, such as: meeting with a T; journaling; reaching out to family and close friends; spending time in nature; practicing mindfulness meditation; or pursuing activities that you find completely absorbing.  You get the idea.

LuckyJim

[confused4now]

  , so glad you found us! When my marriage broke up I felt the same way. I had such confusion and mental fog. It seemed like life got harder for awhile. I was really bummed b/c I  thought if I got out of the toxicity I would return to a healthy life. I had to learn all new coping skills and process all the crazy lies, fighting, and gaslighting. I struggled for a long time, I knew the rs was really bad, but I would miss him and felt lost. I was lost, I had made him my life for several years. He quit caring how I felt long before we split, I was so use to focusing on him and our relationship I didn't know who I was or what my true needs were. I only knew love hurt. Really take it one day at a time and give yourself props evertime you change a behavior that leads to a new way of living. Forgive yourself when you think you should have handled things differently. Good luck we really have been through an emotional wringer.

[Wilkinson]

I'm still struggling with this at work, but in my apartment, I'm doing OK.  I don't have much money to spend on it, but I'm handy, so I spent an extended weekend using scrap wood to make a table and benches, kids's beds, a desk, andeven some wooden wall art to make it look nice. I enjoyed working with my hands and the creativity of working with the wood I had rather than buying the wood I needed for what I wanted.  When I come to my job in my cubicle, I find myself stuck again staring at my monitor.

I'm wondering if part of my problem is all the hours I've spent at my office escaping the chaos of my house.  Often, I would be kicked out of the house for hours, or I was trying to escape from berating.  So I would just come to my office and sit at my computer.  I would try to do work, but felt crappy and gave up just surfing the net.  I'm wondering if I trained my mind that work is no longer a place you go to work.  I'm thinking that maybe if I work from my apartment for a while I can retrain myself.  I normally don't like working from home, but I traveled on a train last month and got more work done on the train that I did several days in the office.  Maybe once I get agitated by how little work I'm getting done at my apartment, I'll be ready to come back to the office.

Does this make sense to anyone, or am I just crafting a story and grasping at straws?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Wilk, I suggest you try the Pomodoro method (you can look it up), which involves setting a timer for 25-minute work blocks with 5-minute breaks in between.  During the 25 minutes, you concentrate solely on the task at hand.  Worth a try.

LJ

[GaGrl]

I spent many years in Human Resources. We were always glad when someone gave their supervisor and us a heads-up on what was going on. Then no one wondered why performance was declining, and the supervisor could provide help and support. Employees are valuable, and companies don't want to lose one due to a bad patch.

You don't have to tough it out by yourself.