Suffered a setback: I found a rant of hers, buried in the back of a notepad

[crushedagain]

It is coming up on 2 years since she left and I've been doing much better than I was back then. This morning, as I was tearing a sheet out of my notepad, I found an entire page and a half of her complaints about me. It hurt very badly to read it all. I don't know if she wanted me to stumble upon this, or what, but it was awful. It is like every criticism she had of me during the entire relationship, and it reads like a "how to" for her to manage me, as if I'm some sort of monster when I was nothing but kind to her. I never said a mean word even once. Some of the things written were this:

"Always give man-size food portions" with the word always underlined (always and never are underlined many times throughout the rant).

"Wipe front of fridge if messy."

"Don't try to stop him talking no matter how much he's hurting you."

"Don't walk in bedroom if he's already there dressing."

"Never seem stressed around him."

"Manage inside temp properly."

"Be careful he is done talking before leaving or changing subject - even when there is a long pause. BE CAREFUL!"

"Don't walk over him if he's sitting on stairs - NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!"

It was extremely hurtful and I feel like she must have hated me or something. I did not mistreat her ever. I honestly think I was the best in this relationship than I have been in any.

The common theme in our relationship was that I couldn't even mention anything without her taking a personal affront to it as if I was attacking her. If she made me some food and I wanted a condiment, she would say "I knew I'd screw it up, I can't do anything right."

I am feeling terrible right now. This is a major setback for me.

[gizmo7247]

Hi Crushedagain,

I'm sorry you found that page in your notebook, and I relate to the feeling. Perhaps the hardest part of dealing with it all for me was understanding that she (my ex-BPD) wasn't actually lying - because lying infers they know they're not being truthful. She actually believed her own version of events, and I'd spent four years living through her version of events. (Unintentional gaslighting.) I'll never forget what my previous T told me - he'd seen both of us together, and was the one who had told me she was a pwBPD. "You honestly can't believe anything she's told you."

For me the hardest part wasn't assessing what was real and what was fake/version of her world. The right and wrong didn't matter so much to me. It was knowing that regardless of any of that - this person who I'd loved so deeply, who I'd done so much for and tried harder than any other relationship in my life...they now thought I was a monster. Even though I know I'm not a monster, it was that realization that she really believed I was one that hurt. It still hurts, a lot. BDP is cruel, not just on those who are left in it's wake - but particularly cruel to the people inflicted with it. From everything I've learned about it - is there anything crueler than my ex truly believing she's unlovable and will always be abandoned, and believing that someone (me) who loved her so deeply and tried so hard is a monster?

The distinction I make is that I don't hate her - I hate BPD. And I do TRULY hate BPD.

2 years? You've come a long way right? Seeing that notepad and becoming upset only confirms that you are a caring human being who truly loved her. Try not to beat yourself up for the "setback," you've come 2 years and said you're doing much better. Today's emotion will pass, just like the (I can only imagine based on personal experience) the horrific emotions after the initial breakup slowly passed too. But please identify that your terrible feeling today just shows you're a deeply caring person.

Sometimes I think the hardest part of the aftermath of dating someone with BPD is that we burden ALL the pain from the relationship, because we're the only ones who can fully grasp the devastation of it all.

Sending thoughts and care.

[crushedagain]

Thank you for the reply. It was shocking to find. There are a lot more, I just typed some of the quotes. This is a woman who pushed quickly to move in with me, and I accommodated that. She was with me 24/7 most of the time. She basically latched onto me.

I am not perfect by any means, but I am always respectful of others and did many, many kind things for her, which included handling more than 50% of the cooking and chores. I don't feel like she appreciated me at all, and she essentially threw me away like a piece of trash.

One of the things I found ironic about the list was when she said "never seem stressed." She is most certainly projecting here, as she could not handle any sort of stress or even so much as a hint of me being upset. She would fall apart. I was the one who had to walk on eggshells and was always comforting her.

I just read another that says "NEVER "shhhhhh" him even if he's talking you to death." I never "talked her to death," and I can almost see hatred in these words. The whole thing reads like it's written by a person who can't stand the other, yet during the entire relationship she always told me "you're perfect, you never do anything wrong," and I would laugh and tell her, "c'mon, I am far from perfect," because of course I have many flaws.

[totheflow]

Hi Crushedagain,

I would try your best to not take it personal and forget about it. You know who you are, and that those things are not true. Try and let it go. People with BPD are not exactly seeing the reality of things, are they? Also, they tend to make things up to fit how they feel at the time, manipulate situations to fit their projections, and exaggerate and twist things around. I'm sure it did hurt to read that note, but try and remind yourself that your ex is not thinking clearly. So really, these things are not about you.

My relationship was similar in that I couldn't mention a lot of things with out them being taken as a criticism or personal attack. If your ex was taking normal statements as a personal attack, I wouldn't put much weight into the note you found. Once your in the devaluation stage, almost anything you do can be used against you. Burn that note and write out all the things you value in yourself. Forget what she thinks about you.

Keep your head up ! 

[crushedagain]

Thank you for the reply. This really did hurt me. I think part of the problem is that she was so toxic that it made me start questioning myself, as if I was a problem. After a few years of living with someone, it has an effect on you. She was so thin-skinned that I really was "walking on eggshells" so as not to upset her. The really messed up part was that I didn't want to lose her. In spite of everything I loved her.

I have done a lot of soul-searching over the past few years, and I realize my own mother had some disturbing traits that suggest some sort of BPD or Histrionic disorder, but I'm no psychologist. I think one of my own sisters has BPD and another sister is a full blown narcissist. While I don't think I'm "attracted" to BPD women, I think my history of growing up with them has made me more vulnerable to putting up with the abuse.

Getting back to the writings I found, it feels like it opened up an old wound. I mean, imagine my surprise as I sat down to my morning coffee only to see this stuff. I had an anxiety attack and had to calm my nerves before an appointment. She was even writing things like "don't ever make brownies HE HATES THEM!" That is not even true. I don't know where this stuff came from at all.

[gizmo7247]

This really did hurt me. I think part of the problem is that she was so toxic that it made me start questioning myself, as if I was a problem.

I cannot even begin to explain how much I relate to you on this. I spent 4.5 years thinking I was the problem, and trying harder and harder to be better, only to be blamed again.

I've suffered depression my whole life and in the beginning she'd trigger anger in me, and I'd say extremely hurtful things to her. She was the first person who ever convinced me to go to therapy, and that was a very good thing. It helped me with my anger, and it's roots in depression, tremendously.

Nevertheless - she would continue to get drunk and lash out with horrid things, actions and behavior. So fast forward 2 years later - I've been in therapy, have literally done a 180 to the point where I wouldn't engage when she had her lash outs, and would calmly diffuse. She asks if she can go in and see my therapist with me, I say of course.

She goes into my therapist's office with me and begins crying and saying she feels so "ashamed" of the way she treats me, but it's because she resents me for things I'd said 2 years earlier. The whole session was about how much she resented me, and she just focused on what had happened 2 years earlier. For all the "shame" she felt about how she had continually treated me since, she never asked, inquired or cared about how I felt on the receiving end of all her lash outs. It was surreal. But stupid me, I just kept trying to appease her and felt horrible for what I'd said years earlier.

This was the therapist who would eventually tell me she was a pwBPD.

Looking back it was all insane.

When I caught her talking or flirting with other guys (I never caught her cheating but now assume she did) - she'd respond, "It must mean I don't love you, because if I loved you I wouldn't be interested in other guys." Repeating that makes me cringe now, but at the time it just made me feel horrible about myself and that I wasn't "enough."

My entire life - I've never put so much work and tried so hard to be better for another person. But no matter what I did - she always had drunken lash outs, lied to me, blamed me for her actions and in the end even waged a smear campaign complete with false allegations and a lawyer who called me, and just admitted his client had "issues."

She could never accept responsibility or accountability for her actions. Never. From what I've read this is a hallmark of BPD because of their core shame. Neither you or I are perfect, I am sure you made mistakes just like I did. But it sounds like both of us were left with all the blame...and neither of us own it all.

Hope your day's gotten better, and the hurtful emotions have eased a bit.

[crushedagain]

That's the thing I've come to realize, that nothing I could have said or done would have had any meaningful effect. What was going to happen was going to happen.

I am a very loyal person who fell in love with her and was accepting of her flaws, however many there were. I foolishly thought we were in it for the long haul, but she sabotaged the whole thing and then ran away.

[Lucky Jim]

That's the thing I've come to realize, that nothing I could have said or done would have had any meaningful effect. What was going to happen was going to happen.

I am a very loyal person who fell in love with her and was accepting of her flaws, however many there were. I foolishly thought we were in it for the long haul, but she sabotaged the whole thing and then ran away.

Right, crushed again.  It's doubtful that anything you did or didn't do would have changed the outcome.  Just the way it is with BPD, and why most BPD relationships are not built to last, in my view.

Maybe it's time to forgive yourself?  Your task is to let her prior complaints roll off your back.  I have a saying: "Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it"!  Suggest you decline to internalize her hurtful commentary.

LJ

[Panda39]

Simply based on the quotes you shared, I take her comments in a different way, they don't sound like criticisms of you they sound like instructions to herself.  Things that she should do or not do to keep you from abandoning her.  Maybe it's her "Inner Critic" talking or maybe there is some projection here?   

Panda39

[totheflow]

Hi Crushedagain,

I can relate, as I think many of us can. If the pwBPD can not take any responsibility, then of course someone else is always the problem. I was the problem too in my relationship. I know what you mean when you say "walking on eggshells". I was walking on eggshells as well.

Maybe when you read this stuff and it opened an old wound, that just means that you still have some healing to do? Maybe you need to dig a little deeper and do some more work? Just a thought.

[crushedagain]

Simply based on the quotes you shared, I take her comments in a different way, they don't sound like criticisms of you they sound like instructions to herself.  Things that she should do or not do to keep you from abandoning her.  Maybe it's her "Inner Critic" talking or maybe there is some projection here?   

Panda39

The whole thing is very odd. Some of it is definitely projection, but some of it is very condescending and rude sounding. Who writes a bunch of stuff like that anyway? It was on my pad, not hers, buried in the back. It's almost like she wanted me to find it. I am still struggling today. It just feels like an old wound has been re-opened.

[crushedagain]

Hi Crushedagain,

I can relate, as I think many of us can. If the pwBPD can not take any responsibility, then of course someone else is always the problem. I was the problem too in my relationship. I know what you mean when you say "walking on eggshells". I was walking on eggshells as well.

Maybe when you read this stuff and it opened an old wound, that just means that you still have some healing to do? Maybe you need to dig a little deeper and do some more work? Just a thought.

It's been over a year and a half, but I definitely still have some more healing to do. My situation is perhaps a bit different than some here because I wasn't the one who ended it or wanted it to end. I was still trying in the relationship, then she just bailed. It was a very painful end for me.

I have never dated a woman with a disorder like this and it really hurt me. I don't even understand why I loved her, but I did. I saw the good in her, the things I liked. I focus on the positive. She used to threaten to leave at times and it would put me in a state of worry that she was really going to do it, and then she ultimately did, twice. I never want to go through that again.

[Ecan]

Hello Chrushedagain,

I really feel for you, I can hear your torment and pain of having to go through healing the wounds from the scabs that have been ripped of by this..

I kinda agree with Panda39 it sounds like the notes may have been for her self. Ive used my ex's stuff before with out a second thought. I'm not to sure if I would speculate if it was done on purpose or not.
Her thinking is distorted kinda like  upside down and backwards than how we think. Then you add the black and white thinking with a dash of fear. So you really can't be sure what you think she means is accurate.

Unfortunately assumptions may work against you right now.So I would caution you about making any conclusions.

 It sounds like to me this activated those feelings of wanting  her again and I can totally understand that.

With all that I have read about BPD it seems that everything that they do is motivated towards not feeling more pain or getting rid of pain. I think that they are so sensitive about so much that we may never be able to understand why they do what they do.

I so totally understand why this has floored you and the need to analyze what she wrote. So I encourage you consider to set a date to drop this and may be burn it like someone suggested.

I'm only 3 months in my recovery and I can't imagine getting triggered a year and a half from now. You will be in my prayers,your not alone

[gizmo7247]

Hi Crushedagain,

I can relate - I tried so hard, and she ended up splitting and leaving me in the end. Actually, there were three major breakups - sprinkled in between with countless "episodes" of like saying she's done, ignoring me for a day, then apologizing and coming back. This was over 4.5 years.

First breakup - I was in Ireland with family, she was house sitting my house. Came back to a dear john letter.

Second breakup - she wanted to come to my therapists - we went through 3 sessions with my therapist, and on the 3rd session - 4 hours after having dental surgery, and after listening to her project blame on me - I snapped and said I couldn't do it anymore. My therapist jumped RIGHT ON that and pushed the break up. (I now know he knew she was a borderline and was trying to get me, subtly, out of the relationship the whole time.)

Third and final breakup - I sent her an email saying I just couldn't put up with the treatment anymore - she called the cops and claimed it was a suicide note. Cops came to my apartment, read the email, told me she wasn't right and I should block her and stay away from her for my own safety.

I too focused on her positives, I focused on what she could be instead of what she was. I made excuses for her and forgave her, even when she didn't ask for it. I kept holding on hope that her behavior would change - she was also a habitual bulimic so I felt horrible and bad for her on that front too. I loved her with more dedication than I've ever loved anyone. It absolutely devastated me. I mean devastated. So I can relate to your hurt, and your pain.

It made me feel like I was worthless - I'd never tried harder to be better, to be more understanding, to love someone like I had her - and to be treated like that in return decimated my self-esteem.

I went back to the T who had seen us both after the final split and he asked me a simple question, "While most people would have abandoned her and her behavior years earlier, you held on fast - it was like you were holding on to a sinking ship and were going to go down with it. Why? That's the question you need to look at inside yourself to heal - and to be better."

It's of course rooted in my own self-esteem, and the wounds that were present long before my exBPD came along and manipulated (unconsciously) them.

I'm on 7 months out of the final split - and I look back at it all now and realize how crazy it was. Of course she's ashamed of the way she treated me, that's why she split me and demonized me. She's incapable of facing or dealing with her shame, so she justifies her actions by claiming I was an abuser and monster. It makes logical sense to me. But emotionally - it's brutal. BRUTAL. For all that I loved her, she believes (because she has to) I'm a monster. I've come to terms with it - but it's still cruel and hurtful.

You shouldn't want to go through any of that again. I certainly don't.

[totheflow]

It's been over a year and a half, but I definitely still have some more healing to do. My situation is perhaps a bit different than some here because I wasn't the one who ended it or wanted it to end. I was still trying in the relationship, then she just bailed. It was a very painful end for me.

I have never dated a woman with a disorder like this and it really hurt me. I don't even understand why I loved her, but I did. I saw the good in her, the things I liked. I focus on the positive. She used to threaten to leave at times and it would put me in a state of worry that she was really going to do it, and then she ultimately did, twice. I never want to go through that again.

That's exactly what happened to me. I didn't want to break up either. I kept hanging on and focusing on the positive. She would threaten to leave and I'd try harder. Eventually, she did leave in a pretty messed up way. I can relate to what you are saying. Keep your head up, my friend and try to keep moving forward. We all have set backs, and that's okay. Do something nice for yourself tonight or this weekend!  

[crushedagain]

I appreciate all the comments. Thank you. After this relationship, I'm not sure I ever want to date again. I just don't want to go through this kind of pain ever again.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Crushedagain-

I am so so sorry.

When I first read this list on the day of your post, my initial thought was no, these items were definitely a reminder to herself on how to manage herself, her behavior and her own emotions.  Not you!  So I wanted to sleep on it.

I still feel the same way.

I REALLY believe she NEVER intended for you to see this list.  This was her behavioral “To Do” list.  And had little to do with you personally.

We have to remember... our pwBPD are highly sensitive people.  I agree with Panda regarding your GF’s Inner Critic, and I believe that critic’s voice was sadly louder, more critical and way more powerful than any of the kindness contained in your words.  Her self-criticism drowned out all of your love and kindness.  That is her illness.  And most likely she had to leave before you found out how “bad” she was and you left her.

When people are so ill and hold themselves with so little regard, they cannot see how anyone could consider them truly loveable.  That’s neither your “fault” nor hers. 

I’m so sorry.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[crushedagain]

The worst thing finding this has done is caused me to think of her non-stop ever since. She is on my mind 24/7 again. I've gone back to wishing it didn't end, wondering about her, feeling sorry for her, then angry...ugggghh.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey crushedagain,

Here's what I said above:

Maybe it's time to forgive yourself?  Your task is to let her prior complaints roll off your back.  I have a saying: "Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it"!  Suggest you decline to internalize her hurtful commentary.

Let me ask you a question: Are you internalizing her painful comments?  Think about the source of those comments, which I'm guessing was quite angry, irrational and unreasonable.

Suggest you look at your thoughts about her and let them pass.  Use them to make yourself more resilient.

LJ

[crushedagain]

I don't feel like I'm done grieving her loss. When I think of her, I think of everything I loved about her. I need to do some more work in this regard.

I suppose this all came at a bad time, too, because I am experiencing an exceptional amount of loneliness and anxiety right now. Things in my life have actually been going very well in many regards, but I am also struggling with a health issue that is getting me down.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey ca, Everyone heals at his/her own pace, so be patient with yourself.  Suggest you treat yourself well, with care and consideration, as you would a friend in the same situation.

LJ