Bpd episodes

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi
My partner is a wonderful, kind loving man who happens to have been diagnosed with bpd.
I recently moved out and took time to evaluate what I actually wanted and to rebuild myself after having experienced undiagnosed bpd behaviour for so long.
Throughout the four years we were together we BOTH worked so hard to find strategies, work together to improve the bits that were so horrendous (a lot of the time the relationship was brilliant)...but we were working on something we didn’t have all the information for.
Now the he has been diagnosed, we are working with information and it is getting better, albeit slowly.
We are still living separately and we (though more me) agree that we will not even consider living together unless we are both in a healthy place individually and also have effective management of the relationship ie what to do when a bod episode occurs.
This is my first question...despite all the reading I have done and the strategies I have tried, when he is in a bpd episode and I am there, anything I say, anything I don’t say, anything I do or don’t do, seems to feed the bpd behaviour. The only thing I can see that I can do, is leave during that time. Say I love you but we can’t talk effectively at the moment, let’s talk when we’re both calm. Or something along those lines.
He has agreed that because the episodes have an effect on me ;even though I am sure they are 100 times worse for him) but I want to know if anyone has found anything that works to calm their partner.
I have tried...staying quiet, validating, repeating what he has said to show him I hear him, trying to remove myself (hiding even) but he follows, being calm and logical, being living and telling him I love him, safe words, among many other.
Thanks  

[Thornton]

Hi
My partner is a wonderful, kind loving man who happens to have been diagnosed with bpd.
I recently moved out and took time to evaluate what I actually wanted and to rebuild myself after having experienced undiagnosed bpd behaviour for so long.
Throughout the four years we were together we BOTH worked so hard to find strategies, work together to improve the bits that were so horrendous (a lot of the time the relationship was brilliant)...but we were working on something we didn’t have all the information for.
Now the he has been diagnosed, we are working with information and it is getting better, albeit slowly.
We are still living separately and we (though more me) agree that we will not even consider living together unless we are both in a healthy place individually and also have effective management of the relationship ie what to do when a bod episode occurs.
This is my first question...despite all the reading I have done and the strategies I have tried, when he is in a bpd episode and I am there, anything I say, anything I don’t say, anything I do or don’t do, seems to feed the bpd behaviour. The only thing I can see that I can do, is leave during that time. Say I love you but we can’t talk effectively at the moment, let’s talk when we’re both calm. Or something along those lines.
He has agreed that because the episodes have an effect on me ;even though I am sure they are 100 times worse for him) but I want to know if anyone has found anything that works to calm their partner.
I have tried...staying quiet, validating, repeating what he has said to show him I hear him, trying to remove myself (hiding even) but he follows, being calm and logical, being living and telling him I love him, safe words, among many other.
Thanks  

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Thornton, and

This is my first question...despite all the reading I have done and the strategies I have tried, when he is in a bpd episode and I am there, anything I say, anything I don’t say, anything I do or don’t do, seems to feed the bpd behaviour.

i think that what you are referring to when you say "bpd episode" is a dysregulated state.

BPD is a disorder of emotions, which is to say that someone with BPD feels what they feel very intensely, generally speaking.

but sometimes those intense emotions go even further off the rails - dysregulate. and a person with BPD generally does not have the skills to regulate their emotions.

The only thing I can see that I can do, is leave during that time. Say I love you but we can’t talk effectively at the moment, let’s talk when we’re both calm. Or something along those lines.

so what happens when you try this?

[Thornton]

I haven’t tried it yet. We discussed it logically after the most recent dysregulation...and he, when calm, agreed with this if nothing else was working. So I am yet to see. It will take a lot of strength to do it and I have to work on not feelings worried/anxious about what might happen when I do.

[once removed]

a healthy time out, when things have broken down past the point of return, can be very useful as a last resort, if done right.

trying to remove myself (hiding even) but he follows, being calm and logical, being living and telling him I love him, safe words, among many other.

it sounds like he fights you on this, but you mention you havent tried it. can you clarify for us?

[Thornton]

That was when we were living together and I would try and remove myself to another room. But he would follow. , would not let me remove myself if that makes sense. The one time I managed to remove myself to outside the house, when I said I was going outside for a break, I hid in the dark behind my car. I just wanted it to stop. But he didn’t wait long before coming outside. Then he went and got a torch and just kept yelling my name. I came out pretty quickly because one of his daughters was upstairs in the house and I didn’t want her to be more upset than she probably already was (you can’t hide these things from children, they see everything even when you think they don’t).
Since he has been diagnosed, he has worked so very hard and his behaviour has improved a lot. I think it is healthy to only discuss new strategies to try when things are calm. After the most recent dysregulation, the following day, and in the days after, he has said that in the moment he will understand why I walk away from him during a dysregulation or try really hard to.
We had a really really good example today of how hard he is working. When he was feeling overwhelmed and felt as if he could dysregulate he said he needed a break. We both went in our separate cars and then met back together an hour later at his house. And then we talked about it. I think for someone who is only just beginning his journey of understanding himself and bpd this is amazing. He never could have done that even 6 months ago.
I apologise if I say things in a confusing way or if I describe things to do with bpd in the wrong way, I am learning too