first post - My wife of 29 years left - suspected BPD

[gadget]

One year ago my wife's mother passed.  Ever since then, almost daily, she said she wasn't happy but wouldn't elaborate.  She said she no longer knows who she is.  What has she done with her life the past 30 years we have been together?  Been a cook, maid, a mom, a wife.  But never herself.  She said she doesn't know if she wants to be married any more.  We were married when she was 19 and I was 20.  We have four kids.  One of our sons is handicapped.  She left almost 8 weeks ago.  Has her own apartment.  She works, we separated out her money.  She pays all her own bills.  We made a schedule together and she comes over Wed, Fri, Sun to get my son off the bus.  Feed him, get him to the restroom, and help with his baths.  I still see much kindness from her towards me.  She took me to my colonoscopy the other day and spent the whole day with me.  Had lunch with me.  Called me babe a few times as she always used to do.  When she comes over, she noticed I needed a haircut and gave me one (a few times).  She most of the time doesn't text me.  Usually only about our special needs son and what he needs.  Anytime I mention us or hope for us I get no response.  She hates when I respond to her texts in a short manner.  I was mad at her because she got a roommate and hid it from me for 4 months and it is a guy she knows and it is platonic because he has a girlfriend and a kid.  She said she didn't tell me because she knew what my reaction would be.  I said how would you feel if it was reversed, I was gone and took on a female roommate.  She said "I get it honestly.  I should have told you sooner, I'm sorry for that.  But nothing has changed, you know I have no intention of coming back.  I know you don't want to hear that but I'm trying to be honest".  I said what did I ever do to deserve this?  She said "You didn't do anything.  You are a great guy, great husband, great father.  It isn't you.  It's me".   She said "Please don't ignore me, we still have to co-parent".  I said we will co-parent.  I'm just destroyed that the love of my life is leaving me forever.  How do you expect me to feel?  We will always take care of the kids together.   She said "  I'm sorry, I don't want to destroy you at all !".  I told her I'm glad you are being honest, but I'll never be ok with you leaving me.  You were my world.  Now it has crumbled.  I haven't been myself for the 7 weeks you have been gone, not sure I ever will be.  She said "I will always be around and you cannot give up on being happy !".   I said I'm glad you will be around.  I can't believe you can turn off all we had like a light switch.  For me it won't be that easy.  Happy will come back one day I hope.  You cannot expect me reacting to this in any positive way at all.  I will see you sure.  But it will never be what I knew.  What I loved.  I had a hunch that you were gone forever anytime I mentioned hope for us and you said nothing.  Not one time.  She said "I'm sorry".  I said me too, more than I'll ever be able to put into words.  She said "Ugh.  You realize I said no intention of coming back, not never ever".  So ... We are both going to therapy.  The therapist thinks she has Compassionate Caregiver Overload for helping take care of our handicapped son for the last 24 years and not being able to cope well with it and keeping all those feelings inside.  I read a book the therapist recommended called "Trauma Stewardship".  I do see some of this.  I also see Verbal Abuse (Withholding), I also see Midlife Crisis.  But more than anything I see BPD.  Almost every page of the book I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" sounded exactly like my wife.  Sorry this is SO long.  Thanks for listening.  I need all the support I can get.  Let me add to this.  Some of the symptoms I see of BPD in my wife.  One thing is when this started is our intimacy changed from once every 6-8 weeks to daily or multiple times daily.  Was never enough for her.  She has extreme emotional swings.  Great highs and deep lows.  Always takes what I say in the worst way possible.  She does have anger towards me many times for no reason over a situation that wasn't anything to even be angry about.  Very inappropriate anger it is.  She said to me before that I'm the good one, a saint.  She is not.  She doesn't have a good self image and is always putting herself down and doesn't take the compliments that I used to give. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Gadget, I'm listening 
I'm sorry about what's happened. It must be hard to see her and know that she doesn't want to come back.

You say you need support. You've come to the right place for that. There are so many members here who will truly understand what you're going through. And I'm pretty sure you'll read stories here that will resonate with you.

I hope you'll keep posting and reading!

Warmly, Scarlet

[Red5]

Welcome gadget!

That's quite a story, and guess what, I got one just like yours… well almost.

I was also married before, 21 years… my first wife, she left me too, long story…

We had three kids, and the oldest is autistic, he will be 33 this year, my other two are a daughter 26, and another son 29.

My first wife left me in 2005-06, we divorced, and I took full responsibility for the kids back then, and I was a single dad for about five years after that.

What you describe, sounds similar to my own story, I know that having a special needs son, had a huge toll on my first wife, as she battled her own demons her entire life… due to her own childhood trauma.

I think your MIL passing must have triggered something in your own wife, also unresolved trauma perhaps (?)... when a family member passes, (involvement on some level) then there is now no way to get that closure for the person whom was hurt… this scenario is similar to my first wife .. again, a long story, I won't go into here.

So there I was, a single daddy… three teenagers, making it all on my own… then I started to date some, and met the "perfect one"… I should have stayed single, and let myself heal… we dated for about four years, and we married… back in 2011.

So long story short, even after being in my first marriage… I had learned nothing about disorders (clusters A-B-C)… and how they effect relationships… trauma, ptsd/cptsd… and I was in the Marine Corps for 26 years, you'd think I would have connected some dots...

So anyways, myself and wife #2 blended our families, she had two from her first marriage, that also lasted 20 some odd years, and I had my three kids, hers however were grown and gone, and my two youngest, and their older autistic brother still lived with me… PROBLEMS!

… borderlines want to control… so right off the bat, we had major issues…

Cut to today, we've been separated now for eight months due to turmoil of control / punishment issues with my Son and her… and so now; I live alone with my autistic son, he is the joy of my life, just the two of us… my two other adult children, whom have since "launched"… are thriving and doing well.

I guess I just wanted to say… you are not alone, and we are similar, married many years, decades… and we both are now separated and we care for our special needs Son's now.

You hang in there, keep posting, there will be others along soon, to also hear your story, and they will want to help, and listen : )

Kind Regards, Red5

[gadget]

Hi Scarlet & Red5!

Thanks SO much for the kind words, understanding, and support.  I have read so many books trying to figure this out.  I read Trauma Stewardship, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Stop Walking on Eggshells (which I saw my wife's behavior on every page), and now I'm reading The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder.  I still attend therapy every 2 weeks as does my wife.  We are still married, just separated now (not legally).  From what my good friend said, and the therapist confirmed it, they believe my wife had a hard time with me being able to deal so well with my handicapped son and she could not.  Yet she never mentioned it once.  Right now my daughter, son-in-law and 4 month old grandson live with me, so I have great joy in all of them and my special son.  Nothing can take that away from me.  Just hard that my best friend, my love of 30 years can walk away with seemingly no sadness of what this does to me.  To our family.  None of my 4 kids are happy with her.  We all feel abandoned.  I have never painted her in a bad light to anyone.  I just spoke my feelings and tried to explain what she is going through.  She left too abruptly and barely talks to anyone.

Red5 - I appreciate you and I have been through similar things.  I'm sure we will have lots to talk about.  Right now I just want to feel better.  I meditate daily.  I also teach Karate which helps too.  I have many work friends and family I talk to about this.  It all helps (as does this new found forum).  But I still miss my wife.

Thanks to you both!  And all future comments.  I'm sure I will be very active on here and talk to you all quite a bit.  This means the world to me.  Thank you!

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I'm glad you have your daughter and her family with you, and that they and your special son gives you so much joy.

I found that reading about BPD to understand more about what was going on is, really helped me. I had never been around any behaviour like that before, so some in depth explanation gave me many lightbulb moments. Therapy is also great! Do you go separately or together?

[gadget]

Scarlet,

We went to therapy once together.  That was before she said "I never intend on coming back".  Now we go separately, but we both see the same therapist which I think will help.  As the therapist can see both sides and help me with coping and help my wife with her side.  I go again in a few weeks and will mention the Walking on Eggshells book and tell her I see a lot of that in my wife and see what she says.  No more couples therapy for us for now.  That is far in the future if at all.  But I will always hold hope that there is a chance for us again.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I understand wanting to go with your partner.
Unfortunately, it's often not fruitful when the partner has BPD or BPD traits. So although it's maybe not what you want, it's not so bad that you go separately. At least it gives you a safe space just for you. 

[gadget]

Thanks Scarlet!

I need all the safe spaces I can get.  This forum and reading about BPD is helping.  Please pass on any coping tips/tricks you have learned along your travels or have heard from others here.  I’m new here, and new to BPD.  I want to start coping better as soon as I can.

Thank you

[lotusblossom1]

hey gadget

i've seen a lot of people say this on here, but i see a lot of my story in yours. my wife lost two uncles, her grandma, a friend lost a baby at 22 weeks, and her dads illness returned - all in 8 months. then she tips our life upside down and we have two kids under 6.

the eggshells book was the same for me - it's not every two pages, its on every page. not a little bit. i even thought maybe i was reading into it somehow and tried to plug in other people in my life to try and make sense of the things in there, and it didn't work for anyone else in my life. i hear you.

we aren't separated but i have received divorce papers. i know what you mean when you say you miss your wife. the big thought that i had this weekend was 'maybe there's someone better for me out there.' Like a better fit for me. It sucks and I don't want to think that way, but maybe it's true? I hope it is. Change sucks.

Even when you know they're sick, it still sucks. BPD people won't (often) get help. They don't think anything is wrong. I have tried to bring things up to her too about the book and it did not go well. I assume that's how you got to the 'no more therapy' place. Me too. I suppose even if they suspect that your diagnosis is correct or even maybe a little right, i'd bet it just seems like too much to tackle.

The one trick that has worked well for me is being a mirror. My wife said recently that she missed my family and didn't know what I was telling them. I told her that her feelings are a result of her own actions. Don't try to protect them. She did this to herself.

Lastly, I'm super glad I found this website too! Hope to see you post again more soon.

[gadget]

Hi Lotusblossom!

We still both go to therapy separately.  Sometimes she says she will cancel her appointment because she can’t afford it.  I told her I will always pay for her therapy if she cannot.  She needs it, as do I.  

Today she has been gone 8 weeks.  I don’t know if we are over.  I really don’t want to start looking for someone new being 50 and being married almost 30 years.  Right now I want her to get better for herself through time away an therapy.  I will mention to the therapist when I see her about the Eggshells book, and how many similarities I see in that book in my wife.

She had previously told my daughter she doesn’t want to divorce.  So I guess I get to hang in separation limbo indefinitely?  So very confusing and lonely.  I never know what to say to her, or what her reaction will be.  Per the therapist I was only responding to her texts when she texted me.  Then my wife says “no one reaches out to me anymore, not even you”.  I’m put  in so many can’t win situations.

I think I will work on the mirror concept you spoke of.  It’s hard for me because I feel stuck in the middle. There are so many things I want to say to her, like the mirror thing, but I’m afraid that may mess up my minuscule chance of us ever getting back together again

Thanks for the post.  I’m sure we all will have so much to talk about as we each go through this in our own way.  This forum has already helped me immensely.  Thank You !

[lotusblossom1]

hello again

yes im in my low 40's and have been married 15 years. i don't want to think of myself as having to be out there again either. i like (liked) my life. some of it. my other big thing recently has been looking back and seeing all the times that i've had to make excuses for her behavior - to myself and to lots of people around us including family. i'm sure you've done it too. and that hurts too. we've all done it and its not a fun thing to look at. just remember that your life can be better. were you happy? was i? i'm figuring that out now. please remember the FOG acronym - fear, obligation and guilt. that has been a big deal for me.

my wife has said many, many contradictory things too. and yes me too, just in the middle here. the no-win situations are pretty typical around here. i understand.

and what i'm doing is not mentioning any of this to her, and i don't think you should either. what i did was to try to soak up some of these communication techniques that I found in the eggshells book, and online here. her reaction will not be good if you bring up your suspicions. i've tried hard to be aware that she has an illness, and then use the tools i've found to try to communicate with her in a way that will make her feel heard, while at the same time keeping myself intact.

remember - you're not the first one to go through this! all of the people here have experienced similar things! and there's tons of resources here to help you through this. you can do it!

[Red5]

… and what i'm doing is not mentioning any of this to her, and i don't think you should either.

I am going to echo that, no; not a good idea to sit her down, pull out your SWOE book, and say… see dear, I got it all figured out!… lets got you into therapy, and we will live happily ever after… NO!

Don't do that, it will blow up in your face  , I know, because I did pretty much just that… it did not end well, matter of fact, she told me that I was the crazy one… this is basically "shaming" the person with borderline… which is a "nogo".

They have to "find it" on their own, we as the 'non' in the relationship cannot do it for them, there is no "leading the horse to water" here…

Kind Regards, Red5

[gadget]

Thanks Lotus & Red5,

I will not do that ever.  She barely now listens to anything I say other than when we have to co-parent my special needs son.

My hope is to talk to the therapist.  We both see the same lady separately.  And say, I read this book (SWOE) and I see my wife in just about every page.  So many similarities.  Maybe write down a few examples to talk on.  Then hopefully, if she already doesn't know/think my wife is BPD, then she can think on that.  My main goal is to get my wife the mental help she needs to get better.  I have a small hope one day that she will come back.  But if she doesn't, I would be happier with her being in a better mental state.

[lotusblossom1]

yes gadget - that is a great attitude. that's how i feel too. no matter what, your lives will be intertwined forever, and wishing that she can be in a better place is probably the best you can do right now. and that is a positive attitude! be proud of yourself for that!

remember that even if she won't see that now, she might see it someday. also a big lesson for me from SWOE - remember that this is about her. although you (and me) are in a terrible place that we never expected to be in, remember that their pain is way worse than ours. this is about the BP. it is not about us. nothing is wrong with you or us. also remember that you have power here too. you are (or can change your attitude to be) powerful!

[gadget]

Lotus,

Thanks for the kind words and inspiration.  Our side is very tough for sure.  I know it is all about her and her healing, but it is very hard when she is over to help with my son a few times a week.  We act very normal, talk very normally (just nothing about us).  How's work?  etc ...  She still calls me hun and babe here and there.  Notices and offers to cut my hair when it is needed.  But outside that, she rarely texts me.  Usually only to ask about my special needs son.  She says she will always love me, that we are still friends, that we are still a team (co-parenting).  So hard to see/feel all that, but yet it is so weird too.  I worry that she may start seeing someone else.  I'm sure that would hurt me even more.  But I may never know.  Pretty sure she wouldn't even tell me.

[lotusblossom1]

gadget - we are in the same boat. all the same things are happening to me, and still with the babe once in a while, and all the rest of it too. and it sucks.

but also, it's kind of your (and my) reality right now. it's just what is happening. it's weird, but i guess we both need to get used to it. remember it might not be forever? or maybe you'll meet someone too?

remember that this is not a black and white situation. BP's think like that often, but it doesn't need to be your reality, because really, it's not like that. she could realize she needs help, you could read something that totally changes your outlook, you could accept this and change yourself a bit and she could find that attractive, you could decide you're ready for a change, she could lose it and come back, she could never come back, etc... there's just so many things that could happen. don't focus on her never coming back, her never getting help, her seeing someone else, because those are the negative thoughts that are in the forefront of your brain because a terrible thing just happened. but that's not what really might be the case. no one knows. its easy to think the worst.

maybe give yourself a break tonight and think about all the good things that could happen? or just watch a movie? i do this a lot, just give yourself permission to not dwell on it even for a half hour. just chiiiiiiilllllllllll. it can be incredibly rewarding and change your whole outlook. its worked for me! and it can't hurt right?

[gadget]

Lotus - It gives me great relief to hear your situation is so similar to mine, with the terms of endearment (babe) and such.  I'm sorry for your situation too.

I know it may not be forever, or it may.  It has only been 2 months now, and in the timeframe for her therapy/healing has just begun.  Yet for being without her,  two months feels like an eternity.

I'm working on removing the negative thoughts.  Before this situation I was the most positive person you could meet.  This has taken that down a notch or two for me, but I'm building that back up slowly.  Been reading this forum, every self help, happiness, etc book I can get my hands on.  I have 100 in that category alone on my Kindle 

I will give myself a break tonight.  No negative thoughts/talk.  I will enjoy time with my daughter, son-in-law, grandson, and my special son.  We usually watch WWE on Mon & Tue nights.  I will also work on my college studies as well.  Maybe even play some video games.

Thanks again for the support/tips.  I feel better each time I come here to see a new post.  I will get there.  Getting through this bit by bit feels like it will take as long as it does for her to heal.

Do you still text her?  Or not at all?  I try to send a text once a day saying "How's it going, how is your day?".  Then at least I'm reaching out and not ignoring her (as I was accused of ignoring her before - though, that's what I thought she wanted).

[lotusblossom1]

yes, this sucks. i have been so glad to have found this forum, and the info here, and hearing other peoples situations which all seem to have a little different flavor of what my (our) situation is. I also felt good when people replied to my post too! I'm glad to hear that you are enjoying my posts. it's so helpful just to chat with people who have similar situations to me. it makes you feel not alone! and that is a big deal

yes, video games and other distractions are good. they're really good. keep at it! and I haven't seen wwe in many years. i'm assuming it's still as entertaining as it was!

and yes, we text, but we're also living together still. as in in the same house. both of our lawyers told us not to leave because it looks like we would be abandoning. so we stay in the same house. she sleeps on the back porch and i'm in the main house with the kids. we have a 14 month old and a 5 year old. the 5 year old sleeps in my room on his own little bed and the 14 month old sleeps in her own room. i have given up trying to keep up being friendly in an every day way. i will talk to her about childcare stuff but beyond that pretty much radio silence. i had a lot to say when this all started and it got the lawyer called and divorce papers delivered to me.

also important to remember that this is her choice. she decided this is what she needed. don't try to protect her from the consequences of her own actions. next time when she says 'you don't even text anymore!' try to mirror that back. you weren't texting her because of the decision she made. you not texting is a consequence of her actions.

my wife was all upset last week and said she missed my family, and she didn't know what i was telling them. that is a consequence of her actions. i can tell my family whatever i want. two weeks ago i found out that she had told alllllll the other neighborhood parents, and i asked her to stop. she said no. i set a clear boundary and she just did not agree, walked right through it. but then when she asked me for something (basically what are you telling your family) i had to re-state the consequences of her actions - "this is your choice. this is about the decisions you have made." I know it seems a little hardass but like i said before - this is not about you. its' about her. the consequences are all her doing. you love her still (i love her too - my wife not yours ;) and probably have a deep need to want to connect to her but she has disconnected from you. it's no longer a two way street. if she isn't giving you (or isn't able to at this point) what you need or want, there's your proof.

i feel like i'm telling you what to do, and i don't think that's cool. i'm trying to tell you what i'm doing and i'm the one with the divorce papers, so maybe my advice isn't the best? i'm kind of half joking, but seriously, please take my ramblings with a large grain of salt.

[gadget]

Lotus - I don't feel like you are telling me what to do at all.  it is good advice and something I need to work on.  My wife does the same thing "I saw your cousin Terry and his wife Ann came out on Sat, did you talk about me?".  My wife is also sad that my oldest son really hasn't reached out to her.  He has declined her two lunch requests partially because he is busy and partially because he really doesn't want to see her.

I'll work on not protecting her from the consequences of her actions.  When she acts like that I will tell her that this whole situation was your decision and anything that comes out of it is because of what you have done.  My daughter kind of told her that the other day.  They were texting, my daughter said something and my wife replied "Harsh".  My daughter said "I'm telling you how I feel and you have to deal with that.  Just like I have to deal with you leaving us all".

I do not badmouth her to others.  Just tell the situation as I see it. 

I appreciate your ramblings

[lotusblossom1]

ok good. like i said, i'm just kinda telling you what i have done. i'm not sure its the best, but i'm working hard on using the tools I have found here and also read about in books. i know you're trying the same.

and yes, you should tell her that, but of course you need to be gentle about it. when i said that to my wife, i basically said what you wrote and it did not go over well. i wish i would have been a little more gentle about it. and it sounds like your daughter is feeling this stuff already, and good for her! this effects her big time too.

i do not badmouth her to others either. i think that's important. of course i have been badmouthed, but i think the people she has talked to probably realize that there's something else up with her. she has told people who we have only minor connections with. like our kids play together or we see them when we go for a walk. would you tell someone like that? i would not. i believe it's a symptom of the BPD - the fragile sense of self. she can say "this is who i am now and this is whats happening" and expects some sort of reaction i guess?

keep your head up. hope your movie and games night was fun!

[gadget]

Hi Lotus,

I think we all learn here by telling what we have done and what worked and what did not.  We all are SO in the dark, any help at all is way better then the absolute nothingness we get from our spouses.  I'm trying to learn all the tools too and apply them in the correct time and place and gently.

I don't think my wife badmouths me.  I'm sorry yours does.  But the truth will shine through.  My wife knows I'm a good guy, husband, father and even says so herself.  So if she said something to the contrary to family, friends, etc, no one would believe her.

I believe your wife as does my wife wants some reaction from the people they talk to.  It seems to me that they want/need sympathy/understanding from others for walking away from and abandoning their families.  No one I know in my sphere of family/friends will understand nor support her.  They all feel abandoned too.  And on my side I don't tell most people (i.e.  Not people I see on a walk   ).  I tell friends and family that love me, have my back, and give me the love, support, and hugs I need.

Keeping my head up!  Last night watching WWE was fun.  I usually always fall asleep towards the end though.  Oh well.  It was a very good night.  I hope you have some good nights too.  I see my Therapist on Monday.  I'm really curious how she will react when I tell her I read SWOE and see my wife all throughout that book?  Hopefully she reacts in a positive way that will get my wife even more focused help that she really needs.

[lotusblossom1]

Great! I'm glad it was fun.

and yes, i felt so in the dark before i read this book. then i read SWOE and it explained my life. 15 years of not know who was going to come home after drinking - wife in control of herself or bumbling fool, the wall kicking fights, uncontrolled anger in general, nit picking every small thing... its all a symptom.

we have friends of 15 years who aren't talking to her. her brothers haven't talked to her in months. and your wife may do this too - she will push away people who try to talk some sense into her, and suck in ones who want to listen to her story, or hear the lies she has told herself - all of whom don't know what its like to have two kids in a large city, or how our life is, or that she honestly is ill. they don't know and i can't tell them.

those are the people i tell too. and its' not that many people. especially not all the kids parents at daycare. she thinks she's putting the kids first? she actually said that out loud to me. "i'm putting the kids first by telling them." Does that make sense to you? I can see the daycare provider, but the parents? we don't hang out with them at all. once a year for birthday parties... she has got it all so twisted.

lastly - i have told my therapist about this too, and she told me she isn't able to diagnose anyone, but has told me that she sees some similarities between my wifes behavior and BPD. that's all she will give me, and i think it's good that that is all she will give me. she doesn't know her, has never met her, and just has to take my word for it. i haven't been seeing her that long, and we know each other, but maybe i'm making it all up? i don't think she thinks that, but i just want you to know that going in there expecting your therapist to say "F yes you're right!" is what i tried and she had a much mellower reaction. i'm guessing your therapist will say what mine said, but of course i have no idea. grains of salt man, grains of salt!

[gadget]

Sorry to hear you went through 15 years of this before finding SWOE.  I cannot even fathom being in the dark that long.  I've only been in the dark 2 months and it is brutally painful.  But better now since this forum, SWOE, friends + family.  And up until she left, we were still 100% normal as I could tell.  Still did things together, enjoyed movies & TV together.  We were super regularly intimate (daily)  when before it was once every 6-8 weeks.  Sorry if TMI    I hear this is a trait of BPD?  She changed this way immensely and was insatiable.  She was never like that before our whole 30 years.  Only the last 6 months this had started.

I believe my wife is the same as yours as far as will only talk to people who will listen/sympathize with her.  Which right now I believe is only her BFF and her boss/friend.  That is it.

I really love my therapist.  My wife loves her too.  I don't expect she will tell me that is what she has.  But at least she will hear my story that I see my wife in MOST of the SWOE book vs I saw some of her in the Trauma Stewardship book.  The therapist is there to listen to me after all right?  So she will have to at least acknowledge that this is what I'm seeing/hearing/feeling.

Grains of salt for sure!  Thanks!

Also.  She actually comes over on Monday to stay with my special needs son so I can attend therapy.  She volunteered to do it, I never asked.  So there is a small positive.

[lotusblossom1]

man... wow... exact same thing over here. we were going at it like once every three weeks for many many years, then about 8 months ago (when her family started dying basically) it ramped up big time. it was like 3-4 times a week, and not like 'let's just do this quick,' it was like hour long middle of the night and waking up early to do it, etc. then to 'i'm leaving you' in 6 weeks.

she asked me to have sex the day after she told me she was having an affair. i googled 'people pleasing and BPD' and found many, many results.

and of course your therapist will acknowledge your feelings! if she doesn't, time for a new one! when i told out last couples therapist - who i'm about to email to see if we can get another appointment (i don't know why) - about my suspicions she said 'so what?' Literally, those were her words. i said 'so what? it fits this situation to a T and give us a whole new box of tools to deal with her with.' and she kinda said 'oh yeah i guess you're right.' i've tried to get her to go to another therapist and she doesn't want to restart and tell our whole story again. the lives and health of our kids aren't worth telling our story again?

and yes, please take the small wins. and wow, how weird is the sex thing huh? that is freaking me out.

[gadget]

I was talking to my oldest son last night and and his wife (social worker).  I mentioned reading SWOE to him and how much I see my wife in that book.  He cautioned me against making my own diagnosis that my wife has BPD or trying to convince the therapist that I believe she is BPD.  All I really want is my wife to be better through therapy for herself and maybe for us as a couple once again someday hopefully.  I don't want to label her as BPD or anything else.  I only want to provide the therapist with all the data about my interactions with her so she can treat my wife the correct way.  And give her the best possible outcome.

In light of my sons concern, I may take it slower and not specifically mention the book right now.  But, if in the course of the last few weeks, any interaction between my wife and I that resembles behaviors in the book, I will mention those behaviors.

I do need to mention my interactions with the wife.  But I need to work on myself too, and show the therapist that I am.  My therapist mentioned last time maybe I should try a Yoga class.  Not sure why, but sure, I'll go.  I think I'll attend a class tonight.  For myself and to show the Therapist I'm working on myself and trying to cope.

So mostly I will go over myself and what I've been doing for me, while still mentioning any text / in person interactions with my wife that would be of interest to the therapist

[GaGrl]

Yoga might be a really good activity for you. I found it helpful because, when anxious, I tend to quit breathing deeply, which makes the anxiety worse. Yoga focuses on breathing, and it helped me tremendously. Plus, the added flexibility was great!

[lotusblossom1]

i agree, yoga can be great.

i've started running and have found some confidence in my body, which i've never really had before. it feels great! i recommend it!

[gadget]

Thanks GaGrl & Lotus.  I will try it.

Lotus - I see what you mean about stopping the daily “hope you are doing ok today texts”.  I barely get any response.  Sometimes way later or next day if at all.  I don’t like the extra frustration it puts on me for just trying to be nice.  I’ll go back to only texting her when she texts me first.

I SO hate this.

[lotusblossom1]

hey gadget

i hate this too. i'm right there with you. my wife has the kids out of town for 5 days and i don't know what to do. i mean, i have things that can take up my time, but i miss all of them. this sucks

[gadget]

Hi Lotus,

My wife did reply and it was nice.  I guess I can just never count on when it will be.  But the waiting and not knowing is hard for sure.  Hope you find some fun & peace in those 5 days.  I’ve been doing a few guided meditations using the Calm app each day and it helps.

I haven’t yet attended a Yoga class,  but I will.  I may try some Tai-Chi tonight.  

I do see that my wife cares.  Today I posted on social media that I went for a ride with my special son and put flowers down at the cemetery for my mom and sister.  She didn’t like or comment, but texted me later and said “Saw your post.  I know it made you sad and this whole situation is and I’m sorry.  Glad you got out with our son”