D16 left home, cant find her

[StressedOutDaily]

My D16 packed her bag and left the house at 5:45pm, telling me she was never coming back and powered down her phone. It's now 2 am...I think I know who she is with, but not really where.

We have contacted the police - but they are not doing much.  While we were at the police station she powered on her phone and texted me she was spending the night with "A" and wasn't coming home ( a guy she knows, who she has told us sells drugs for a living, we don't know him or where he lives...seems to be transient with no parents around, living from place to place as far as we can tell) and shut the phone back off.  We got a location in the next town - but the police didn't find her... We left the station at 9:30 with the police officer saying they would be in touch... 

Later this evening she snap-chatted me from someone else's phone - that she and "A" had gotten a hotel room in the next town.   We contacted the police, believing they would check the hotels...there are 4 hotels. DH called 2 of the hotels but they wouldn't give us information, you need a room number and they won't confirm names.

I called the police station at 1 am asking for an update, since we hadn't heard anything and asked if anyone checked the hotels.  They had not, since we couldn't give them a specific hotel.    I am so angry right now.

And I am scared, heartbroken, worried...wondering how we got here, to this place where my 16 year old daughter is in a hotel room with a 19(?) year old drug dealer.  I just don't understand.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Oh no SOD
How horrible! Your teenage daughter is missing and the police don't seem to care.I would be frustrated too. I hope you can at least get a little sleep and that tomorrow things will start looking up.
Hugs
Faith

[PeaceMom]

Stressed,
How are you? Did something specific happen to cause her to run off? My DD will tell us she simply can’t stand to be at home bc her life feels so pointless. When my DD runs off I see that’s it’s pure escapism from her pain or boredom!

[StressedOutDaily]

Thank you Faith and Peace,

She was upset yesterday because she realized that she wouldn't be able to work the last week of camp in two weeks.   She started at an IOP  yesterday - 6 weeks 3 hours a day.   She told me she wasn't going to the IOP the week of camp - I said your mental health is more important - she didn't like that.  And she would not have to see the ex-boyfriend now, who works there.  Two nights previously she was crying because she didn't want to go to the camp the last week because she didn't want to see the exBF.  She told me it hurt to much, she was sad all the time and just couldn't face him now that he has a new gf.
And that was two days before, yesterday she didn't want to disappoint his mother and sister (who run the camp) and I think she has the idea that they might get back together.   
Also she just tries to escape our home as much as possible lately...therapist thinks it is to escape her feelings...and as you know her feelings follow her, so she engages in risky behaviors (weed, sex, etc..) to escape as well. Tells us she hates being here. 

She just turned her phone back on...and texted me.  Police are on their way to hopefully pick her up.  Therapist wants her to be taken to a hospital for evaluation.  At least we will know she is safe and maybe we will have more resources to get her help.        Will update later, praying for a good outcome.

[LoveOnTheRocks]

SOD, I am praying for you all, with you. As I prayed, I reminded the Lord of when my daughter was 16, and we had no clue what all this was about.  We had the wrong dx.  It makes me happy that you at least have some ideas of what you are dealing with and are getting some experience and knowledge about how best to live through this rollercoaster.  Its heartwrenching to see our babies struggle so extremely with their emotions and feelings. If it's any consolation, and this may not be much, in some ways, maturity has really helped with our daughter.  The growth between the ages of 16 and 19 were noted by literally everyone, and so I really feel that where you are and where you will be in even 3 years will be much improved in some ways.16-18 was really hard for us.
...maybe the pressure "reality" put on us made it so.  We were expected by the schools, the law, social services...everyone, really, to take responsibility for and be held accountable to all of them where our daughter was concerned...yet, she was doing all this stuff your child is doing, and it had nothing to do with us, and was not for lack of our trying.
Don't get discouraged, SOD...This isn't about you...what you are doing what you aren't.  (am I projecting here or are you going through some of what I am talking about, which is what I was going through at the time).

You and I can both take heart in one very important thing...when she powers that phone on and calls someone...it's you she is calling.  You didn't cause her pain, and you can't necessarily fix it...but she is reaching to you because she see's you as a solid place for her to rest her weary rebellious and troubled soul at.  You are her rock...a rock for her...and while that's an awesome responsibility for me, I can't imagine any alternative to it.

[wendydarling]

Stressed   I hope your DD is back home with you. It's such a worrying and scary time, DD leaving home so much lately, as your T says escaping her feelings. I echo LorT you are safety through all of this.

Hope you get time to rest up soon.

WDx

[StressedOutDaily]

Update

DD was admitted to the adolescent psychiatric inpatient unit.  She is safe and hopefully some of the therapy she will get there will sink in and help her.

The story where I left off:

The police found her - and i knew the moment they did because she called me.  She was very angry...very colorful language. And...why did you call the police on me? Very calmly I said - We were worried about your safety and you know that if you leave home and don't come back we call the police. She had a few more things to say, then hung up.

10 minutes later she called again "Your having them take me to the hospital! You    more colorful language...and said "just wait until they see the scars on my back!"      Our DD has scars on her back along her bra line, because she wears multiple bras at one time, and too tight (which digs into her skin and has caused scars) because it makes her boobs look bigger and gives her more cleveage.    

The police officer called me once she was on her way to the hospital to let me know.  I thanked him for all his help and he wished us well and that she would get the help she needed and that things would go better for us.

We got up to the emergency room - and waited.  About   1 1/2 hours later the doctor called us - they don't leave the ward, and we couldn't go in yet.  He asked for our version of what happened - and we told him.  He said our D said pretty much the exact same thing - with this exception - he told them we sometimes hit her and pull her hair.   Not the truth.  He said often kids will say stuff like that, and so they will be calling DCF.  But the positive side of that is that we may be able to get more services for her.  So we will hope that is the case.

After 2 1/2 hours we could go in and see her.  DH went first (only 1 person at a time) because we weren't sure if she would explode when she saw me.  He said she was crying and begging to come home.  He stayed with her for about 15 minutes, then I went in.  She cried and begged to come home.  I told her that she needed to stay, and I couldn't make those decisions.  Then the anger, then sadness again. It broke my heart to see her like that - and at the same time I know that is where she needs to be.   I got her up and into the bathroom, then got her to eat the food she had and had the nurse turn on her tv.  I told her we would go home, get her some clean clothes, her teddy bear, and some magazines. She was better when I left. They had told us there was not a bed in the adolescent unit and she most likely would be in the locked down holding unit until Monday.
DH and I went home, got her clothes, went to the store and got 2 teen magazines, stopped to get something to eat - got back to the hospital at about 7:15.   We valet parked the car (free at the emergency room) stood in line to check in and found out she had been moved to the adolescent unit 15 minutes before we arrived.    So it took us about a half hour to get the car back and drive over to the building she was in.    Then more waiting, while they got her settled.
We finally were able to go up to her floor at 9pm.  They brought our D into a private room where we were able to talk. 
She was in good spirits - she seemed lighter if that makes sense.
She cuddled up with me and we just talked about the people she met so far - she talked about being strip searched. Said she really didn't like that. Said they were checking for bruises, self harm, etc.   Said the nurse said "Oh my what is this on your back?" and D told her that they were scars from wearing her bras too tight.   
They took her out to be interviewed by the doctor, then he came in and talked with all 3 of us DD, DH and myself.  Seemed very nice.
Around 10 DD said she was tired and wanted to go to bed - so we hugged and said good night.   I had to bring home the teddy bear - not allowed, and the magazines - they have staples in them...so I took the staples out and will bring back today. 
This morning I went through her phone.
First - she sent a photo of her legs strapped down in the ambulance with the words My F:cursing: parents called the police on me and they are taking me to the hospital to be evaluated F:cursing: them to about 50 people on social media.  I guess being discreet is out the window.
She told a number of people she ran away because her Dad beats her and I watch.   Lovely 
However I did see she is treating suicide almost daily to her "friends" on social media in private messages.   So I took some screen shots and will be talking to her Doctor about it this afternoon.   We had thought she stopped doing that months ago, but evidently she only stopped saying it to adults.  I saw a photo she sent someone where she was holding a large handful of pills with the question - is this enough to kill me?   Im not sure what the pills are or where was - but they are not any of the medications we have at home.

DH and I slept well last night, and late this morning.  It was just a relief to know she is safe.  We will take it day by day.

Thanks for listening (reading)
~SOD

You and I can both take heart in one very important thing...when she powers that phone on and calls someone...it's you she is calling.  You didn't cause her pain, and you can't necessarily fix it...but she is reaching to you because she see's you as a solid place for her to rest her weary rebellious and troubled soul at.  You are her rock...a rock for her...and while that's an awesome responsibility for me, I can't imagine any alternative to it.

LOR -  Thank you    ,  I keep holding that in my heart...she is calling me and that is important.

[PeaceMom]

Stressed,
What a story.  We have similar ones.  I hope you can really rest you body mind and spirit. I usually take a few days to just “sit and stare” because my heightened vigilante state is so intense.-like going thru a natural disaster.  Take care of YOU.


My 19DD has been they the psych ward loop 4 times and it’s always been helpful to stabilize her in a crisis. We never have gotten a BPD diagnosis bc we didn’t know to seek one. I see now that it would be very helpful to target the DBT specific therapy she needed.

Please keep us posted.

[wendydarling]

What a relief, your DD's safe, so glad your T was there for you ~ 'get her evaluated'. Stressed, is this the first time your DD's been an in patient?

I usually take a few days to just “sit and stare” because my heightened vigilante state is so intense.-like going thru a natural disaster.  Take care of YOU.

Last time I set to the ironing for hours on end, while listening to soothing classical music   How about you SOD?

WDx

[StressedOutDaily]

Wendy and Peace - yes this is her first time in inpatient.    I'm sad and at the same time it is a big relief.   My DH and I are able to get much needed sleep - for the last 2 months she has been trying to sneak out, or sneak someone in... I didn't realize how tired I was. 

WDx... I like to iron also,I do it every Sunday evening,  but I really have been just sitting and staring - watching a lot of Netfix the past few days...Mindless...and just what I need at the moment.   

[GaGrl]

Mindless is good -- don't fight it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello StressedOutDaily

I just have to jump in here and give you a much-needed ((HUG). 

My daughter is now 52 but she was only 12 when she started to run.  Although so many years ago, to this day I well remember the turmoil, the hurt, the fright that went on within me.

I so wish in those years I had had access to a support similar to this forum.  I'm glad that it is here for you now.

Keep sharing, StressedOutDaily!  This can well be your life-line to better tomorrows...perhaps not the tomorrows you envisioned...but better than they are now.

Once again...((HUGS)...from Huat.

[MomSA]

Wendy and Peace - yes this is her first time in inpatient.    I'm sad and at the same time it is a big relief.   My DH and I are able to get much needed sleep - for the last 2 months she has been trying to sneak out, or sneak someone in... I didn't realize how tired I was. 

Much much much love to you - I know where you are in your emotions - the sweet saw between relief and sadness. Our daughters time away for 3 months allowed me to regroup and sleep, but my heart was breaking from pain. It was the best thing for her to slow down her made lifestyle.

[nonbordermom11]

Just read this post...how is your DD doing now? Was the hospital stay helpful? May have to consider this for my DD...what is the cost of these facilities? She doesn't have a job and is 27.