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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: PART 2: Unexpected reaction  (Read 366 times)
Pytagoras
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 171



« on: July 26, 2019, 07:36:20 AM »

Mod Note:  part 1 of this thread is here   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=332124.0;topicseen

Sorry about the long absence. I am here to give update.

Sorry, but i need to write a lot to explain all the developments.

We had 2 / 3 good months. We traveled, splept togheter sometimes, etc. minor honey moon phase. Some minor fights. She was rough with me sometimes but i could handle it reasonable.

We fighted much less.

She had an health issue on her uterus. Possible cancer. I paid her medical debts and helped in a lot of another issues. The problem was solved few time ago.

Around May, i started working a lot and couldn't be with her much time. We couldn't sleep togheter in my house because i woke up too early for her, and we didn't slept in hers, because she said she was always grooming her bedroom, for weeks (wtf?). I started do get suspicious.

Plus, i never believed that she had let her ex- move into her house for 2 months in our last break-up and didn't get involved with him. I think she recycled him e and i think she recycled me after that. Sometimes i gave her notice of my concerns, sometimes not in the best manner (sending her texts).

When we hanged, always at night, because of my work hours, she never brought her mobile phone with her.

Sometimes i getted a little distanced of her, and feeling ambiguous (as before). Part of me wanting to be with her and part of me don't. I was starting to think in the possibility of having other women, but never did. I guess some of my behavior reflected my feelings, don't know. Anyway, she seemed more distanced as well. But it depended on the days / phases.

3 weeks ago, she invited me to dinner, she did some makeup and dressed for the ocasion and she was very beatiful. The dinner went very well. Very romantic, in her favorite restaurant. She said that we fighted a lot and that was a pitty, because she loved me and wanted to be with me. She said she wanted me to ask her in mariage and have kids pretty soon. We kissed, laughed, etc. She asked me to never text her with negative textings i sometimes did.

Next evening, we dated again. Everything was fine, but then she caughed my phone and wanted to see my calls and texts. I showed her, but i wanted to see hers too. She didn't have it (again). I said: You can see mine, but i never see your. Why? If you want to be with me, this relationship has to be more balanced than it was before. And i dropped her home.

Next day she said she would bring the mobile phone with her. And it was ok for me.

But two days after, i saw her instagram and noticed that she was following her ex- in his new profile, when she said she never had spoken with him again. I texted her saying that i couldn't trust in her anymore. And that i couldn't be with her. Next morning, i apologized and said it was an outburst. She said it was ok. But i still feel suspicious that something wasn't right.

Then i had a strange dream. I dreamed that i was in a table with her, and there it was another man and she was giving more atention to that man than to me. I rose up from the chair and get away. The she went somewhere else and she died. When i was there to see her, she was a very big snake. A dead snake. All the people we know were there and said "Finally! She deserved!"

I interpreted this as her death in my life, and she presented her truth self (the snake, as a treacherous and opressive being). But we were speaking normal at that time, despite she seemed to me as a little bit hurt with my last texting. Two days later, she called me and asked my help. I went to her. She needed money and other things. Then she thanked me and hugged me and kissed me.

In the days after, she became very distant, without replying to some of my texting and replying to others. I thought she was still hurt and tryed to be nice with her, inviting her to do stuff she liked, apologizing, etc.

She said we could go to cinema one of this days.

I asked if she had someone else, she said "no". And i asked her "Is this over between us, or do you think we can make up?". She said we cannot hurt each other anymore and that she just wanted to be with herself now.

Next days i continued to text her and call her. As the days were passing by, she was more and more close (or so it seems). I always contacted her in a positive stance.

Then, 5 days ago, i called again, and we spoke for about 15 minutes in a positive manner.

I thought "Well, this happened a lot before. She is hurt, but getting better"

That night, i went to Facebook, and i don't know how, i visited her profile. She had a new profile photo, and for my surprise, she was in a relationship with another guy, since 7th july (after that we still kissed and she asked me for money). It was a shocking moment for me.

She was with this guy while she was still with me, and all my suspicious turn out to be true.

I texted her asking how could she be with someone new when she said she wasn't and didn't tell me, making me a fool. She didn't respond till today (5 days later).

« Last Edit: July 26, 2019, 01:21:08 PM by Harri, Reason: split thread » Logged
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Pytagoras
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 171



« Reply #1 on: July 26, 2019, 08:03:04 AM »

The relation between them was published 5 days after our romantic dinner, when she said she wanted to marry me.

I know her for 8 years, long before we start dating. We dated once and i didn't wanted anymore, because, in that time, i noticed that she was very promiscious.

After that, we became friends, and she told me a lot of her promiscouities. She always jumped from one bf to another right away. And always recycled ex's. That's why she was so suspicious of my ex's (projection). I don't know why i could think it would be better with me, if all her life she did the same (my illusions). Anyway, i always feel the blame when the relationships are over, but i know, despite one or another error i made and that would be perfectly normal with a more healthy gf, i improved my behavior a little bit since our previous experience.

She knows i don't have any Facebook account (i deleted it because of her), but i manage to see her profile with a friends account.

Since she always did things secretively in the past, and she said directly to me that she wasn't with somebody else, why did she published the relationship?

Trying to be ok with me saying she loved me, while hanging with somebody else (And she cheated on him already, with me). In my last communication with her, i asked her: "How did you wanted to be ok with me, if you were not being honest?"

Than i wished her "Good Luck" trying to give the best positive stance i could. And we never spoke again (5 days)

I am almost sure that she will try to recycle me in the future, after her idealization phase, or, if she gets pregnant, 1 ou 2 years later.

I want to be prepared if that situation comes (if it will occur soon).

If not, i know i will attract more disordered individuals and i don't want to date this kind of nonsense anymore.

We were together for 3yrs. I gave her too much. We passed many things together. The way this relationship ended enlightened me about several aspects of her and our relationship that i was deliberately blind about. All the lies and manipulations that i was putting aside.

I don't know if she cheated more on me, but i'm pretty sure she was maintaining contact with some ex's. That's why she never showed me her mobile phone, despite always asking for mine. Even this new guy could not be so new, but an old acquaintance. Who knows?

Another very curious fact is that i am pretty sure that if i hadn't discovered her relationship status, i would continue to speak with her and we would get involved again. How sick can that be? Now, her mask went off. She didn't even answered my last texts. She knows i'm right and what she did is wrong. She knows...

Very disturbing, you having a 3y gf, and discover on Facebook, that she is in a relationship with another guy. Dont you think? I never saw that coming. Very treacherous behavior, just like the snake i saw in my dream.

PS: One day after i discovered her relationship on Facebook, they (the couple), published some pretty romantic photos (she normally never did that before). The guy has some very weird look (bad aspect) and is much older (so it seems).
« Last Edit: July 26, 2019, 08:21:35 AM by Pytagoras » Logged
Pytagoras
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 171



« Reply #2 on: July 26, 2019, 12:32:17 PM »

What do you think of the situation i described ?

What do you advice me to do?

I would like to finish this in a positive stance. And then move on to my life.

Maybe me and her could be friends in the future, i don't know. I don't want her to think that i am super mad with her ( I was in the first 2 days, but i am not anymore ) and be afraid of getting closer in the future. I also don't want to seem like a clown that accepts every bad behavior from her.

Altough she said she would like to marry me few days ago, i think she is in the "idolising" phase right now with the new guy, so i don't know if anything i say or do will make any difference.

Any toughts ?

Thank you.
« Last Edit: July 26, 2019, 12:41:01 PM by Pytagoras » Logged
Pytagoras
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 171



« Reply #3 on: July 27, 2019, 04:17:27 AM »

A friend of mine came to say that saw her and she seems very happy with this new guy, and looking good.
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Amethyste

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« Reply #4 on: July 30, 2019, 06:32:32 PM »

If she doesn't do therapy. She will repeat the cycle endlessly. So that guy she is with now. Well he will end up being treated like you in a few months.
Sad.
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Pytagoras
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« Reply #5 on: July 31, 2019, 05:00:47 AM »

Hello Amethyste,

Thk u for your response.

She is in Therapy for over an entire year, but i don't think it's the right therapy. First, she's not been diagnosed. Second, i don't think the therapy she is receiving is the indicated for her condition. Third, i don't think her therapeut is aware of her condition or well trained for it.

Her therapy is just a way for her to think that's doing something to improve.

The way she acted with me now is exactly the same as she's been doing her entire life.

Only a person completely self-centered, without any empathy nor remorse could do this the way she did.

She always had exes to recycle, she always rebounded imediatly and cutted off from the ex.

I was her friend before we dated. I just naively believed that it could be different with me. Plus she created a mask that she was doing better and striving to improve.

Being with her was just a living hell. I managed to distanced a little bit from her in the last times so i could have some air to breathe.

The most certain thing i have in this situation is exactly that this guy will suffer the same destiny as i did, and pretty soon (if not yet), as he is where i was 3y ago (i was a rebound too).

It's just sad.
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Pytagoras
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 171



« Reply #6 on: July 31, 2019, 05:05:40 AM »

Altough she cutted off with me, i think that when things start going awry with this guy, and she sees herself in need, she will try to recycle me.

And i want to be prepared to just say "No" when that time comes.
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