UBPDgf dumped me today

[RomanticFool]

I’ve been embroiled in a toxic relationship with an uBPDgf for almost a year now and today she brought it to an end by telling me that she was ending it due to the aggressive way I communicate and don’t listen. I told her I was sorry to hear that she was ending the relationship and said I was shocked and upset. She said that my behaviour has been making it toxic for some time. When I pointed out that on the last four occasions we went out she has sabotaged each occasion and twice threatened to meet other people, she became angry and started hurling abuse and threatened to call her lawyer to have me sanctioned for harassment.

This has been the devaluation stage of our relationship. Two weeks ago we went on holiday, though she almost sabotaged that too. I paid £1,000 for a trip to Greece (at her request) and she immediately backtracked and said she didn’t want to go away with me. I eventually managed to talk her around over the next couple of weeks and she eventually decided to come with me after making all sorts of conditions and provisos. The holiday actually went well, despite the odd angry outburst from her, but because we were both relaxed I was able to be far more tolerant of her volatility.

As soon as we got back home, the devaluation started again and she once again started  to find fault with the way I communicate and said that she feels angry at me all the time. I said that all I wanted was to love her and get on with her and she said kept repeating that I’m difficult and denying every example I gave her of the contrary.

The bottom line is that she thinks I am to blame for every argument we’ve ever had. She has physically attacked me in the past, which I stopped talking about because it was triggering her by talking about it. Last Friday we went to see a film event together and on the way there she started getting angry because I refused to accept full blame for the recent spate of arguments. I told her that I thought we both had a part to play and it wasn’t a great time to talk about it. She got furious and told me to go home (she had two free tickets for the event). I let her get to the venue to cool off and found her and she seemed pleased that I hadn’t actually gone home.

Fast forward to today and her breaking up email. I decided that I wasn’t going accept full blame for the arguments as she has shouted and screamed at me continuously over a long period of time. She then threatened to report me for harassment, which is ludicrous as I was being very calm. Immediately after breaking up she reinstated me on WhatsApp and now just before bedtime she once again blocked me without any word at all.

We have had so many break up/make up scenarios that I am less distraught and more tired with everything. My question is that after formally breaking up with me and now blocking me on WhatsApp, is there any hope at all that things might change and she’ll come back?9

[clvrnn]

Hello, thank you for sharing your story, RomanticFool.

I'm sorry to hear that you've been undergoing such a stressful situation and that it's led to a painful break up.

today she brought it to an end by telling me that she was ending it due to the aggressive way I communicate and don’t listen. I told her I was sorry to hear that she was ending the relationship and said I was shocked and upset.

Did something 'trigger' this argument/break up? Can you think of anything that led to this?

I think for now, while things are still quite raw and tense, it may be good to try and take some time away from communicating with her, as she appears to be quite angry about things and you will only upset yourself, trying to explain the things that have upset you. Do you think you're able to do that? Do you have anything else you can focus on for a week or two, or do you feel able to step away while things calm down?

My question is that after formally breaking up with me and now blocking me on WhatsApp, is there any hope at all that things might change and she’ll come back?

You mention that you've had several break ups, am I right? Then, I think she may come back - I of course don't know her, I'm just going on what you have said.

But here we have evidence that you have been involved with her for a year, and this has been the pattern, so it seems unlikely that things will 'change'. Is she in therapy at all? If I'm correct you are in the UK, right? (hello fellow UK person ) Do you have therapy available to you?

[crushedagain]

Gosh, sorry to hear about everything. I feel like my relationship was near perfect compared to what you have dealt with. I'd have no problem breaking up with a woman who mistreated me like that. Mine was the quiet BPD type, but very emotional and would cry at the slightest thing. She was kind of childlike, had to be handled with kid gloves.

At any rate, I bet you can do a lot better. That sounds like a very toxic situation given the way she's been treating you and blaming you. It's like you're her whipping boy.

[Skip]

My question is that after formally breaking up with me and now blocking me on WhatsApp, is there any hope at all that things might change and she’ll come back?

You are deep into the break-up / make-up cycling. And while it may seem that each cycle resolves and repeats, what is actually happening is that each cycle in deepening the divide and the ability to recover and one of these cycles is going to be the last.

Is this one the last? Hard to say. You (we) are not really broken up until some weeks (5 or 6) - which is typically the first level of serious detachment.

What is easier to say is that your relationship has been on the downward slide for a while... and the differences are not resolving at all, they are recycling and recycling with greater band width... they levels of mistreatment is raising.  She triggers you. You push back, stridently. That trigger's her.

When we have explored the unresolved conflict with her, you say you don't know what it is. It is important to know what it is to know if it is even resolvable at this point.   If it's not resolvable (and it may not be), how long are you going to live a toxic relationship of trying?

Remember when you you originally came here, you were in a similar dynamic with your prior gf. What you were saying about here and what she was saying about you is very similar to what is happening now, don't  you think?

[RomanticFool]

Yes the relationship has been on the slide for some weeks. We went on holiday three weeks ago and then two weeks later she is pulling the plug on the whole thing. She tells me that she doesn’t like the way I communicate while she constantly overreacts and shouts at me in public. It’s very difficult to make any rational sense out of as she is so irrational. On Friday she reinstated me on WhatsApp but hasn’t spoken to me. I miss her but since she was the one who wrote the email breaking up with me I feel she needs to make the first contact. Is that wrong? I keep reading stuff about BPDs losing respect for partners who show too much love or don’t enforce boundaries.
Do I really want a relationship with somebody who thinks that way?

[RomanticFool]

I think I am always accused of not listening in relationships with damaged people. I think my validation skills are not good. I also think when I find people unreasonable I react accordingly partly out of self preservation and partly out of indignation. I have come to understand that these kind of women need special care and I do not seem capable of providing that without pointing out the unfairness in the relationship. I know with this current lady I have tried very hard to overlook her tantrums and little attacks on me in favour of harmony. She will take everything to the extreme limit and never back down nor admit her part in anything, so convinced is she of my ‘abuse’ and ‘narcissism.’ She has two modes for me; I’m either her darling or an emotionally abusive Narcissist. There is never anything in between and I haven’t been her darling for a while.

[Toughluck]

Sorry to hear about your bad breakup...

I would guess that she will come back if she does not have a replacement. If she does have a replacement, most likely she won't come back unless the new guy is a douche.

Mine bpd ex didn't come back last time she broke up because she got a new boyfriend..if she would not have a replacement, she would not have the guts the burn the bridges for good

[formflier]

Do I really want a relationship with somebody who thinks that way?

Now that you have had time to reflect on this question...what do you think? 

Best,

FF

[RomanticFool]

I think seeing as how she ended the relationship and keeps blocking and unblocking me on WhatsApp, it’s time for me to move on. I’m thinking about blocking her on all channels.

[formflier]

I think seeing as how she ended the relationship and keeps blocking and unblocking me on WhatsApp, it’s time for me to move on. I’m thinking about blocking her on all channels.

Considering the drama triangle and the other things you have learned from bpdfamily, what would be the healthiest way for you to move forward while you sort out your feelings about this relationship?

Best,

FF

[RomanticFool]

It’s not a triangle anymore. It’s just between the woman and myself. My wife and I have separated. In all honesty what I’ve really learned from BOD Family is that I am ill equipped to deal with disordered people. No matter what I do, I cannot anticipate their behaviour or reactions to my behaviour in any way that would make me happy or not walking on eggshells. The failure of this latest relationship has really hit me for six.

I’ve learned in a 12 step fellowship (SLAA) that I am behaving co-dependently and the limerence at the beginning of a relationship is not love, no matter how fantastic it feels. When I’m in this mindset I always feel wonderful and ‘fixed.’ Then the other party usually starts behaving erratically and begins to push me away and I then chase them.

I am currently in withdrawal and feel empty.

[formflier]

I don't believe you answered the question. 

I wasn't asking if you believed you were or were not in a drama triangle, I was hoping to focus you on the different roles people often play on the drama triangle and reflect on that a bit...

There don't have to be three people on a triangle for 1 of those people to be deliberate about playing..or not playing...a role as defined by the triangle.

I also wanted you to reflect on the other lessons you have learned.

Given all of that, I'm hoping you will share your thoughts about the "healthiest" way for you to proceed in getting some space from this relationship (regardless of whether you actually end it for good).

Best,

FF

[RomanticFool]

The relationship with the latest lady started when I was still married. This resulted in her being very insecure and mistrustful. I believe she has continued playing out this role even when it was possible for us to be together. She is very much in victim mode. Her lies, exaggerations and gaslighting around my behaviour have all been designed to put her in a good light and cast me as the villain: emotional and physical abuser.

I have played the role of emotional caretaker and constantly chasing her down. She has put so many obstacles in the way of the relationship, namely my communication skills (or lack of them), her 17 year old daughter’s anxiety around our arguments.  The main cause of this was when she witnessed her mother physically attacking me and pulled her off me.

The healthiest way to proceed would be to block her on all channels of communication and stay away from her. Sometimes the healthiest thing to do feels like the worst of all options. Certainly the most painful.

[formflier]

The healthiest way to proceed would be to block her on all channels of communication and stay away from her. 

I'm interested in seeing the material on bpdfamily that advocates for this approach.

Please share a link so I can read up on this approach.

Best,

FF

[RomanticFool]

This is what has been suggested to me in SLAA. If you have a better strategy I’m all ears.

[RomanticFool]

What I’ve actually done is not blocked her anywhere but told her I love her while emphasising the way she is behaving is hurtful and lacking in empathy. As I say, I struggle with validation when the other person is behaving in a cruel manner. Bear in mind she wrote me an email telling me the relationship was over on Monday and threatening me with legal action when I attempted to talk her out of it. She cut me off WhatsApp. She then reconnected on WhatsApp on Friday and didn’t communicate with me on Friday or Saturday and then cut me off on Saturday evening. I emailed her and asked her why and she replied because we don’t talk. I asked her why she didn’t speak to me and why she connected me just to block me again and she replied ‘no idea.’ I told her I missed her and asked her if she missed me and she has blanked me since last night at 9.30 when I thought she was out. So I may have lost her. She may have been with somebody else and conflicted. Who knows?

[formflier]

This is what has been suggested to me in SLAA. If you have a better strategy I’m all ears.

Interesting...

What are a couple of the most important concepts you have learned on bpdfamily?

How has that changed your approach to relationships over the past few years?

Best,

FF

[RomanticFool]

I have tried to learn how to validate my lady’s feelings. I have learned not to react in an overly emotional manner as it impairs empathy. However, I have been with a woman who blames everything on me. Who calls me (and anybody else she falls out with) a Narcissist on almost a daily basis. Who reacts extremely aggressively to almost anything I say and who tells me to go home if she gets upset during an evening out. I would need to be a saint to remain calm and understanding under such provocation. Which leads me to the next thing I’ve learnt on here which is to set boundaries and don’t allow her to trample all over them. Well she trampled all over them constantly because she wants to defeat me. She wants to gain control over me in order to make me do her bidding. I have tried to be validating and understanding, loving and caring but if somebody is being unreasonable on a daily basis it is impossible. The last year has taken its toll on us both and I think we both have zero patience with each other at all.

When we went on holiday, I overlooked her barking at me and emotional volatility because I wanted a nice time. It worked for a week (give or take the odd incident) but as soon as we got back to the reality of every day life her devaluation of me continued.

[formflier]

. I have learned not to react in an overly emotional manner as it impairs empathy. 

Good...can you describe how you demonstrated empathy in your last couple interactions with your pwBPD? 

How have you changed how you show empathy based on what you have learned here at bpdfamily?

Best,

FF

[RomanticFool]

I didn’t show empathy because she was finishing the relationship in an email and then threatening to call her lawyer when I asked her to reconsider.

[RomanticFool]

However, on holiday when I was relaxed and calm I constantly told her that I would be more careful regarding how we discussed things and I’d try my hardest to be understanding towards her during disagreements. However, again it’s difficult when somebody is constantly criticising you and calling you a Narcissist. I managed to stay cool on holiday but I bit my tongue an awful lot. I already sensed that she was struggling with her resentments towards me.

The biggest issue I have with her is that everything she accuses me of ie aggression and emotional volatility she is guilty of herself. She allowed her daughter to dictate whether or not I was allowed in her house and when she shouted at me in front of her daughter’s drug addled boyfriend, it was reported back to the daughter by him and she texted me asking not to see her mother in the house.

[formflier]

I didn’t show empathy because she was finishing the relationship in an email and then threatening to call her lawyer when I asked her to reconsider.

How did you go about determining it was or wasn't appropriate to show empathy?  How did that relate to what you have learned on bpdfamily?

Best,

FF

[RomanticFool]

I reacted too emotionally and in a self centred way. One thing I have discovered with a pwBPD is to try and find out what is really going on underneath what they say. She has been telling me for months that I don’t listen to her, that we don’t argue well and that the relationship is toxic. The latter two issues are the result of the first issue. The fact that she doesn’t feel heard in the relationship is partly because I’ve been struggling with my own emotions of leaving my marriage and partly because the things she said I disagreed with. So for example, if she criticises the way I express myself, (overly emotional) and I react in a way that expresses hurt, she tells me that my reaction to her criticism is wrong, I should react in a more positive way, But the way she expresses this is in an overly emotional strident way that leaves no room for discussion and she gets upset if I try to challenge her. This kind of hypocrisy and intolerance on her part eventually led to skirmishes and then anger and resentment on her part. She is really a little dictator. She would sometimes shout if I didn’t agree with her and when I said I would leave if she kept it up she physically attacked me on four occasions. So I had to put a boundary down which she later punished me for. Her narrative then became that my behaviour triggered her reaction and I am an abuser.

[formflier]

  she gets upset if I try to challenge her. 

How does challenging her help express to her your empathy with her feelings?

How did challenging her demonstrate you "heard" her when she was telling you that you didn't listen to her?


Best,

FF

[RomanticFool]

It’s hard not to challenge somebody who is browbeating and constantly criticising you. The more empathic I became the more she accused me of ‘word salad.’ Truth is in the end she lost respect for me. I think she gets off on knowing that she has me hankering after her. I have a certain profile, so rejecting me and making me squirm bolsters her self worth.

Appearing on WhatsApp and not saying anything and then cutting me off at night was designed to make a point. I then emailed her and asked her why she cut me off and she replied ‘we don’t talk.’ Since she was the one who ended the relationship I figured it was up to her to make the first move. She blocked me again instead. I asked her why she reconnected in the first place and she replied ‘no idea.’ So this type of messing with my head is why I struggle to maintain empathy with her.

[formflier]

How did challenging her demonstrate you "heard" her when she was telling you that you didn't listen to her?

Did you address this..I may have missed it.

Best,

FF

[Scarlet Phoenix]

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