I feel like I'm cracking up...

[Piper15]

My daughter is in the midst of LIKELY getting diagnosed with BPD. I was reading through the "criteria" and she hits MOST of them.  (sad times)  Kiddo has been hospitalized 3 times for suicidal ideation, she spent 2 months in a day treatment program, and then another 2 weeks in an outpatient program. Her behavior and impulsiveness continues to get WORSE as she gets older. She is 15. Im constantly on edge, things will be good (even great) for a while, then in the blink of an eye...she says "Im going to kill myself" Im getting whiplash from the mood swings.  She refuses to take ANY medication, even though she has also been diagnosed with ADHD since she was 7...and has been medicated for it effectively until she decided she "just wanted to be HER"  Sorry kiddo, you can't BE YOU...cause you're going to end up in JAIL (or worse) I have never been on a message board, but Im losing my mind.  No punishments work, she doesn't CARE about repercussions of her actions, she does whatever she wants to...end of story.  I have nothing left to "take away" as punishment or "give back" as a reward - - cause she just doesn't CARE!  She sneaks out often while I'm sleeping, she is mean to her siblings, she has been promiscuous, she steals everything, she self medicates with marijuana. I. Don't. Know. What. To. Do.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi Piper and welcome. I am glad you reached out. You have come to the right place. We get it. Having a child with BPD, diagnosed or not, is a tough thing. The good news is there is hope. Things can get better. You ask what to do. The answer may seem weird, but what you do is work on you. You learn new communication skills. What works with most children doesn't work with children with BPD. They are hardwired differently. Here is a good place to start.  Where to start What is your biggest concern at this point? Is it discipline or something else? We are here for you.
hugs
Faith

[PeaceMom]

Piper,
I had to reach out to you as you perfectly described my life. My DD19 uBpd did/does all those things. Hospitals, phps, iops, weekly therapy.  I did everything humanly possible to wrap her up in bubble wrap. It was never enough. She took a tiny bit of pot to school her jr yr and was arrested at school and jailed. It’s been one thing after another.

This site teaches self care first and foremost. I didn’t really understand it and thought it was a nice, sweet sentiment. BUT after reading “Loving someone with BPD” I now understand the wisdom behind it. We can not change or control our DDs but we sure as heck can make their dysregulation worse. All it takes is an exhausted, strung out mom to scream, use sarcasm, show exasperation and these teenage girls explode.

The other reason self care for the caregiver is so critical in this population is that we have been so self sacrificing and we’ve walked on eggshells so long they have no idea what true self care looks like. We must go back to modeling that for them.
I apologize for being so wordy but I really wanted to reach out bc my situation sounds identical.
Peacemom

[StressedOutDaily]

Hi Piper,

Right there with you... we have a DD16 and have a very similar experience.  She is currently inpatient right now - and it is all because we are too strict.  Nothing to do with the fact that she left home told us she was never coming back, spent the night in a hotel with an 19yo guy drinking, getting high etc... had police departments of two towns looking for her... 
This is a good place to be - everyone here gets it. 
Peacemom is right - self care is essential, you need to take care of you in order to do your best for them.

Hugs 
~SOD

[Piper15]

 

Thank you to the people who have replied. It really is nice to know Im not alone.

Do your kiddos have problems keeping friends? Mine makes friends easily...but they never stick around. But she thinks she's BEST FRIENDS after one meeting.  I think her behavior is so erratic...it scares people away. And the ones that stay...well pardon my french - are as crazy as my kid...and NOT good influences on each other!
Or she's got her "best friends" that she met on social media (snapchat) that live in different states. Yah...that's safe too! UGH

[livednlearned]

How awful to have your MIL say those words to you. Maybe offer to let D15 stay with her 

What happened when she was hospitalized for suicidal ideation?

Have you had a chance to take a look at the book BPD in Adolescence by Blaise Aguirre?

[PeaceMom]

Piper
You are describing classic teenage BPD girl. They have a Bff du jour who is possibly a normal stable teenager and usually those end the quickest OR one just a dysregulated as they are. My DD can keep those a bit longer but when those fall apart it’s usually very ugly and full of drama, vindictiveness, retaliation, etc.
Have you read “Loving someone with BPD”? It’s a favorite among us here. Dr. Manning is actually a Behaviorist so she explains things a bit differently than a typical psychologist. The book is well worth your time. I’m learning that after self care, my # 2 goal is to Validate DD’s feelings and emotions like crazy, and #3 goal is to not let her get under my skin.
Things can get a bit better fairly quickly when you change the way you interact.