Sad...Being ignored while she is away

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi-

My uBPD g/f is on a trip to see her family in another country. She has been gone for 2 weeks. I fly out to join them in a few days. I’ll be there for 2 weeks.  Since she has been gone, She has gotten more silent. Long periods and days with no contact. When we talked yesterday,  it didn’t feel right.

Things were fine for about 3-4 days after she left but then she got into a very upset stage because of something with Her kids(who are with her). I was caught in the middle. her youngest girl Susie had tried to call me and we missed each other. There is a 10 hr difference. Susie called and I answered. When I answered, My g/f said Susie couldn’t talk. My g/f was upset with them. i dont know why. After they got off the phone, I asked that we find a time that we all can talk so everyone can stay positive. I told her I wanted her to enjoy her vacation. This is abouy the 6th time that I asked that we find a time to talk. Then she told me I needed to be patient and flexible. i told her not to get upset with me. i didnt do anything wrong.

We have talked a few times since and at some point st sbout 3:30am I had a missed call from one of the girls and another day there were 60 messages (emojis) from the other gitl snd a missed call at 5am.  I have chosen not to engage but I have established boundaries like not answering calls in the middle of the night. 

I have noticed when I’m out, she’ll call and she has no regard for the fact that I m busy trying to do something fun gor myself. She has ruined this break for me.  She knows the silent treatment is abusive. I feel she keeps testing me for when she does call. It is clear that her schedule is more of a priority thsn mine. I feel she cares less about my needs. She said things along those lines before she left.

I really dont want to go. This is a pattern of hers with trips. It is very unhealthy. What I’m not doing is allowing myself to be a target of her wrath.

Prior context:1-2 days before she left she definitely picked a fight with me. She was so cruel and hurtful almost right up to the plane leaving. I feel so beat up.

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Hi-

My uBPD g/f is on a trip to see her family in another country. She has been gone for 2 weeks. I fly out to join them in a few days. I’ll be there for 2 weeks.  Since she has been gone, She has gotten more silent. Long periods and days with no contact. When we talked yesterday,  it didn’t feel right.

Things were fine for about 3-4 days after she left but then she got into a very upset stage because of something with Her kids(who are with her). I was caught in the middle. her youngest girl Susie had tried to call me and we missed each other. There is a 10 hr difference. Susie called and I answered. When I answered, My g/f said Susie couldn’t talk. My g/f was upset with them. i dont know why. After they got off the phone, I asked that we find a time that we all can talk so everyone can stay positive. I told her I wanted her to enjoy her vacation. This is abouy the 6th time that I asked that we find a time to talk. Then she told me I needed to be patient and flexible. i told her not to get upset with me. i didnt do anything wrong.

We have talked a few times since and at some point st sbout 3:30am I had a missed call from one of the girls and another day there were 60 messages (emojis) from the other gitl snd a missed call at 5am.  I have chosen not to engage but I have established boundaries like not answering calls in the middle of the night. 

I have noticed when I’m out, she’ll call and she has no regard for the fact that I m busy trying to do something fun gor myself. She has ruined this break for me.  She knows the silent treatment is abusive. I feel she keeps testing me for when she does call. It is clear that her schedule is more of a priority thsn mine. I feel she cares less about my needs. She said things along those lines before she left.

I really dont want to go. This is a pattern of hers with trips. It is very unhealthy. What I’m not doing is allowing myself to be a target of her wrath.

Prior context:1-2 days before she left she definitely picked a fight with me. She was so cruel and hurtful almost right up to the plane leaving. I feel so beat up.

[AskingWhy]

As the partner of a pwBPD, you must know of splitting and dissociation.

In the case of BPDs, it's "out of sight, out of mind."  When your person is away from you, you don't exist to them.

This is because BPDs suffer from "object relations" problems. This is a principle in child development in a very young child.  For instance, with a young baby, if you hide a toy, the child thinks it disappeared.  For an older child, when you hide the toy, he goes looking for it.

pwBPD don't see permanence in R/S.  Perhaps to you G/F you don't exist right now for her.  She is in the "here and now" with her family.

I see this in my uBPD H.  He will go out on a hunting trip with his friends.  When he reaches the lodge, he calls me to tell me he arrived safely.  Then no calls for several days until the day he is coming home several days later.  I know he gets smashed drunk with his friends in the evening; BPDs like drugs and alcohol because it takes away of the pain of emptiness and the terror of being BPD.  I know, during his trips, that I cease to exist for him.  He is in the moment of being with his friends.

I also think the "picking of fights" can be a mechanism to overcome the fear of leaving.  The trip seems like a special event that "triggers" feelings in your G/F.   When my H's children were very young and he had visitations with them from his X W, they would all come and stay for several weeks. Before their arrival, H would go on a cleaning frenzy (control issues) when they were all small children.  Then H would pick fights with me and I would get a divorce threat.  

Stay strong as you understand the dynamics of BPD.

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Thanks    AskingWhy...

This was very helpful to me. Your advice. i live an hour from my g/f and this i am not there as much as she wants, which ironically she seems to want alot but then when i’m there she picks fights.  And now i’m in the silent treatment punishment again...

I loaned her my ipad when i went to visit her (while she was on her big trip). Her daughter’s ipad broke so before i left, i gave it to her to help. Well i didnt clear my search history and she found my search items when i was saying that dating single mothers isnt good .. i was searching because i felt alone and was tired of sleeping alone..anyways -she asked me about it..and i said i was sad and felt alone because she was always sleeping with her kids and i was tired of sleeping alone(i was in another country with her and her kids and her family). Well last night she asked again about it and i fell for it.. the perceived trust and caring.  So i shared the resoning again and then she got mad—she started saying mean things(i out the phone down) and when she was done i said thanks for sharing what you were feeling..i’m going to bed-I dont feel well... “ within about 30 mins i rec’d a text “don’t want to talk to you for a while. Please don’t contact me”...

I’m hurting.. i felt vulnerable and trusted her and then she attacked me. I’m also going thru very serious things she knows about too and knows that criticisms are NOT what i want. In fact i told her many times to stop them.. and ive told her many times not to do this silence thing. I’m being punished. I know she is going to expect me to apologize . I can’t. I answered her questions nicely... i believed she really wanted to know but as usual, this is her response-to attack me. Her response is usually about how i make things always about me—like i’m selfish.. what i am most concerned about right now is that she knows because i said it many many times the silent treatment needs to never happen again..it is thee most hurtful thing to me. She had agreed and here she does this.

Its been 24 hours and i know i shouldnt respond or contact her

But what happens when she does contact me? What do i do?

She may ignore it and say “it was my period and i was tired” or she could demand an apology...

We had been talking about mivi g in together in 6 months but i cant imagine that anymore.

Please help.

[AskingWhy]

Only you can do what you think is best for your R/S and yourself.

You know the dynamics of BPD and know the different outcomes of behaviour.  pwBPD can feel abandoned and also feel engulfed by their partners.

[AskingWhy]

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