2 months of NC after 8 months of charming, but she's still in my head.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello again folks,

Feel like giving an update on the situation would help get "s*** off my chest", so here I am. For reference, my original post is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337248.0

It is a week shy from it being 2 months since my ex-uBPD tried her final "h-o-o-v-e-r maneuver". After 8 months of her keeping me sucked in, I am thankful it ended. I feel like this NC has made it easier to progress in the healing department and I feel like I would have healed a long time ago if she didn't keep sucking me back in all that time. So thank the heavens.

The first month of NC was absolutely brutal, especially knowing she moved 1000 miles away for some guy she maybe went on 2-3 dates with prior. She went on a "vacation" but simply never returned back north because all of the sudden they were "twin flames" and "soulmates that transcend time". Needless to say they both became "official" after the first week of her being down there. She still has me blocked on every avenue, but through my friends FB account i was able to see that she's "in a relationship" since june 1st.

Her last attempt to keep me on a leash was a week after they became official (keep in mind she never told me that she's with someone else, she has no idea that I KNOW). I received a call from her and she wanted me to take her dog from her parents house since they refused to look after it. I recognized this as a maneuver to keep me on a leash that would give her a reason to keep calling me, so I refused. It's sad because I would love to have that dog, I miss it.

I don't want her to call, I have no desire to ever call her again, don't want to see her, hear from her, I am no longer emotionally depressed over her, there is no urge for me to "get closure". I No longer get random anxiety and panic attacks from this ordeal, but yet after having said all that I still cannot get her out of my head. She is on my mind 24/7 and it is baffling to me. Is this the "trauma-bond" that still has the grips on me? because of this I end up still checking her social media on occasion through my friends account, and she appears to be happy as a clam.

I still notice she actively stalks my facebook page with her old work account (which I am sure her new bf knows nothing about). I am still friends with that old work account of hers, of course I was unaware of this until one day I saw it show up under "people who have viewed your FB stories" tab. Clearly she must assume I'm not aware of her alternate account since she is keeping tabs on me with it. Was wondering if I should block it, but I don't really seem to give a crap about that. I'll just Let her think I don't know .

My birthday is coming up in a month, I wonder if that will give her a reason to contact me out of the blue. But if she does not then I am pretty sure I will never hear from her again... well... that is until something happens with this new guy of hers. I'm pretty sure she will hit me up then since it will be a guaranteed source of attention supply. I hope that day never comes because I'm afraid that will suck me back in... I do not want to be with a person like this. I wish she would just be gone from my head at this point.

I've been seeing this new girl since January, we are not official because I feel like my mind is stuck on my ex. It's frustrating because I can tell this girl really likes me, she's driving 2 hours round trip few times a week to spend time with me. Unlike my ex she isn't pushy to be with me, she doesn't seem to have any abandonment issues, she is actively aware that i'm going through things mentally as a result of my ex. We haven't even had any disagreements or arguments since we started actively seeing each other which is amazing. I want my ex out of my head before I dive into something, I feel like that would be extremely unfair to this new girl and I think its unfair to her that she's been seeing me for 8 months now and I am still not mentally ready for her.

[hmf2234]

Hello again folks,

Feel like giving an update on the situation would help get "s*** off my chest", so here I am. For reference, my original post is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337248.0

It is a week shy from it being 2 months since my ex-uBPD tried her final "h-o-o-v-e-r maneuver". After 8 months of her keeping me sucked in, I am thankful it ended. I feel like this NC has made it easier to progress in the healing department and I feel like I would have healed a long time ago if she didn't keep sucking me back in all that time. So thank the heavens.

The first month of NC was absolutely brutal, especially knowing she moved 1000 miles away for some guy she maybe went on 2-3 dates with prior. She went on a "vacation" but simply never returned back north because all of the sudden they were "twin flames" and "soulmates that transcend time". Needless to say they both became "official" after the first week of her being down there. She still has me blocked on every avenue, but through my friends FB account i was able to see that she's "in a relationship" since june 1st.

Her last attempt to keep me on a leash was a week after they became official (keep in mind she never told me that she's with someone else, she has no idea that I KNOW). I received a call from her and she wanted me to take her dog from her parents house since they refused to look after it. I recognized this as a maneuver to keep me on a leash that would give her a reason to keep calling me, so I refused. It's sad because I would love to have that dog, I miss it.

I don't want her to call, I have no desire to ever call her again, don't want to see her, hear from her, I am no longer emotionally depressed over her, there is no urge for me to "get closure". I No longer get random anxiety and panic attacks from this ordeal, but yet after having said all that I still cannot get her out of my head. She is on my mind 24/7 and it is baffling to me. Is this the "trauma-bond" that still has the grips on me? because of this I end up still checking her social media on occasion through my friends account, and she appears to be happy as a clam.

I still notice she actively stalks my facebook page with her old work account (which I am sure her new bf knows nothing about). I am still friends with that old work account of hers, of course I was unaware of this until one day I saw it show up under "people who have viewed your FB stories" tab. Clearly she must assume I'm not aware of her alternate account since she is keeping tabs on me with it. Was wondering if I should block it, but I don't really seem to give a crap about that. I'll just Let her think I don't know .

My birthday is coming up in a month, I wonder if that will give her a reason to contact me out of the blue. But if she does not then I am pretty sure I will never hear from her again... well... that is until something happens with this new guy of hers. I'm pretty sure she will hit me up then since it will be a guaranteed source of attention supply. I hope that day never comes because I'm afraid that will suck me back in... I do not want to be with a person like this. I wish she would just be gone from my head at this point.

I've been seeing this new girl since January, we are not official because I feel like my mind is stuck on my ex. It's frustrating because I can tell this girl really likes me, she's driving 2 hours round trip few times a week to spend time with me. Unlike my ex she isn't pushy to be with me, she doesn't seem to have any abandonment issues, she is actively aware that i'm going through things mentally as a result of my ex. We haven't even had any disagreements or arguments since we started actively seeing each other which is amazing. I want my ex out of my head before I dive into something, I feel like that would be extremely unfair to this new girl and I think its unfair to her that she's been seeing me for 8 months now and I am still not mentally ready for her.

[Wicker Man]

she actively stalks my facebook page... ...should block it [FBaccount]...

hmf2234 I read your previous posts and I am sorry you ended up in such a painful and confusing situation.  As to the Facebook issue... If you can honestly say you don't look for her interaction with your account I would leave it be.  If you find yourself obsessing about if she is looking or not then block it.  My reasoning for leaving it be is 'You cannot not communicate'  everything is communication and if you block it she will know the two of you have 'been in touch' this might change her healing clock and yours.  From my understating some people suffering from BPD do not perceive a break up as neuro-typical people might.  Even with her having a new boyfriend she may not be 'moving on' from your relationship as you might suspect.  I am neither expressing nor implying there is still a 'relationship' between you, but I would bet my last dollar she sees things differently that you do.  E.g. mine is still using my surname on her social media account 18 months into no contact... and ironically when we were engaged she never mentioned it on social media.  As a digression I am coming to the conclusion social media is a cancer in society -it makes us shallow, vapid and rude and in the worst cases paranoid.

...I'm pretty sure she will hit me up then since it will be a guaranteed source of attention supply...   ...I hope that day never comes because I'm afraid that will suck me back in...

Be careful here.  Supply, charm, discard, and replacement.  All of this vernacular removes responsibility from you in these interactions.  I prefer loved one, reconciliation, break up and new boyfriend.  The pathologizing internet slang is damaging.  Words have meaning and words have power.  She cannot 'suck you back in' you have free will and volition. 

I loved mine more than I loved any other human being -but she is dangerous.  With a single SMS I could be right back into the paradise circus and on my way to hell.  I choose not to -not because it is the easy thing, but because it is the right thing for me.

People mess love up.  The most important part of the statement 'I love you' is 'I' without it the statement is meaningless at best and outright dangerous in the worst case.  Mine doesn't know how to say 'I'.

I do not want to be with a person like this. I wish she would just be gone from my head at this point.

There.  You said it.  You have made a decision.  My suggestion would be to consider seeking therapy to help you see this through and to stop the cycle of rumination.  I did.  In fact I just got 'fired' from my therapist last week after seeing him for 18 months.  The goal of therapy is to get out of therapy -I will miss his voice, but we both agreed it was time to move on.  It was the most valuable investment of time and money I have ever made.

Relationships with people suffering from BPD traits are confusing and painful.  It is the only relationship I could not 'file away' on my own. 

[Pytagoras]

Hello hmf2234,

I'm sorry the hard times you've been passing trough.

It amazes me the lies and the projections you've shared and i see in my own case, and others.

It's very common a misdiagnose between bipolar disorder and BPD. Much BPD are diagnosed as Bipolar.

As of you blaming yourself by not giving her much attention and validation in the last times, if you did, i think she would find some other issue to nag about.

I see my ex- in the "idealization phase" with this new guy, exactly as she did with me. However, it's a very fast phase. With me only lasted 2 months (if that long). And even in those 2 months, there were several red flags. This guy will be passing all the same hell i endured. If he can manage to. In my mind, If your ex receives all the love bombing back from her actual bf, that will only fasten the ending of the idealization phase as she will feel "engulfment" and start the BPD Beahvior sooner.

I think you are right in thinking that when things with her actual bf start to go wrong, she will think about you. I don't know if she will try to contact you again, that depends on multiple variables, including some new other guys that she will try to attract in order to feel safer if her actual r/s fails. But she will definitively remember you and feel some longing for you.

And it's just a matter of time before her actual r/s starts to fail.

When a r/s is over, to me, mainly when it was an intense one, i need time to mourn, to recover emotionally. I think that's the healthy thing to do. You are trying to date right away, and it's a good thing that your girl you are dating is comprehensive.

I think you already gone trough the worst. Now things will improve to you.

[Mutt]

When a r/s is over, to me, mainly when it was an intense one, i need time to mourn, to recover emotionally. I think that's the healthy thing to do. You are trying to date right away, and it's a good thing that your girl you are dating is comprehensive.

What matters is what you want not what your ex pwBPD wants. What does the new girl say in regards to having emotional distress with your ex? You said that she must really like you if she goes out of her way and it's been a few months since January it sounds like she's patient and from your description it sounds like she's a non or has a lot less issues than your ex pwBPD.

I know that it's hard to focus on the person that you're when you haven't gotten over your last gf, you're curious as to what your ex is up to, that's natural most of us have been there but it sounds like your heart is not totally into this r/s. How do you feel about the new girl? Do you feel like there's a romantic attraction there or do you feel like you should be friends instead of being official.

[hmf2234]

If you can honestly say you don't look for her interaction with your account I would leave it be.  If you find yourself obsessing about if she is looking or not then block it.  My reasoning for leaving it be is 'You cannot not communicate'  everything is communication and if you block it she will know the two of you have 'been in touch' this might change her healing clock and yours.

Thank you for the reply Wicker Man, Funny thing is that she has removed me as a friend from her old work account the same day I have made the original post. It seems as though she has started working within the same company but at her new location 1000 miles away and she likely didn't want me to see her updated status show up on my FB feed. This clearly suggests she has no idea I was aware of her "checking up on me" using that account. She did not block me on her work account as she has done so with her main account and her other social media outlets. This gives her a way to keep checking up on me and I'm still of the mindset that she blocked me on her main page as to avoid the possibility of me finding out that she is in a r/s with this new guy. Which would further suggest she has no idea that I already know this.

She cannot 'suck you back in' you have free will and volition.

This is true, she cannot suck me back in as I do have full control of that. What I was referring to were the feelings that will arise if and when she ever reaches out. The feelings of panic and anxiety as well as awakening any feelings of caring and love. I am dreading that day so I'm hoping it never comes.

As of you blaming yourself by not giving her much attention and validation in the last times, if you did, i think she would find some other issue to nag about.

hello Pytagoras, you may very well be right. But as it stands, I was not a very validating person and I wasn't good at reciprocating her intense emotions. I am a very laid back person, to a fault I would say, so often times I come off as if I don't really care. For a person with BPD who needs constant validation and reassurance of love they take that the wrong way and assume the worst. I feel if I did my part as a good loving partner I wouldn't have to be questioning that aspect of our relationship whether we stayed together or not. But as it stands, that will be a question left unanswered.

I see my ex- in the "idealization phase" with this new guy, exactly as she did with me. However, it's a very fast phase. With me only lasted 2 months (if that long). And even in those 2 months, there were several red flags. This guy will be passing all the same hell i endured. If he can manage to. In my mind, If your ex receives all the love bombing back from her actual bf, that will only fasten the ending of the idealization phase as she will feel "engulfment" and start the BPD Beahvior sooner.

I see my ex doing the same, but even at a much faster pace. She moved into my home 3 months after we met, meanwhile she moved 1000 miles for this man before they were officially a couple. Right now he seems to be doing everything I never really did in the beginning, showering her with random acts of romanticism, buying flowers randomly etc. All the stuff she really wanted from me but I was too logical for my own good I guess. In my mind i thought spending $50-100 on flowers that will just wilt away in a few days isn't a good way to represent ever lasting love . I feel as if he keeps up this attention she constantly needs, they will be fine. But once the intensity drops off is when her need for attention will need to be filled again.

My ex did cheat on me about a year into our relationship, so i guess that was the first time she devalued me? but after that ordeal she started to idealize me again and was back into being over the top in love with me again. Took her about another year before she stopped putting me on a pedestal and it came with her weight loss transformation. She lost nearly 100lbs and started getting attention from men she was never used to having.

When a r/s is over, to me, mainly when it was an intense one, i need time to mourn, to recover emotionally. I think that's the healthy thing to do. You are trying to date right away, and it's a good thing that your girl you are dating is comprehensive.

She left me back in September of 2018, she left me for someone she had already lined up and was romantically involved with him for about 2 months before she devalued him and came back to me in order to "work on things". During that two month period I was so depressed I didn't even want to leave the house, let alone date anyone. I've met this woman during the time she wanted to work things out. She told me I should be out dating because she was out there dating herself. So I listened to her advice and forced myself to meet new people. The final discard happened once she moved and this new girl just stayed with me through it all.

What does the new girl say in regards to having emotional distress with your ex?

Hello Mutt, She has been extremely supportive, I literally tell her everything so she is completely aware as to what is going on in my head.

How do you feel about the new girl? Do you feel like there's a romantic attraction there or do you feel like you should be friends instead of being official.

I like her as a person and she was there for me during the toughest emotional times to help me get my mind off my ex. I cannot appreciate that enough. We do fun things together including going on weekend hiking trips in the mountains. I made her aware that I wasn't emotionally available as a result of the 8 month post breakup ordeal I had with my ex. I feel completely emotionally drained and for the moment I do not feel like pursuing anything romantic, and I let her know that. So I guess the "friends with benefits" term would be the most accurate way to describe our dynamic and she seems to be going with the flow.

That being said, ever since I started doing research into BPD and mental health in general I have come to the conclusion that I show some traits that of a schizoid cluster A personality. Being aloof, coming off as I don't care, don't really care for romantic relationships, I'm not very emotionally validating, don't reciprocate emotions very well, distant, detached, and being miserly with my money (having but not wanting to spend any of it even though there isn't a need to be frugal). The biggest complaints my ex had, she seemed to have loved me with such great intensity and I simply didn't reciprocate that, as a result she felt like I never loved her because attention and validation was a rare occurrence. If I didn't text her for half the day she automatically thought I did so because I no longer loved her.

So essentially I am not sure if I am not into this new girl romantically because I am drained emotionally or if it is the fact that its part of the schizoid trait to not really care for anything romantic. I never wanted a romantic relationship with my ex, but she just forced herself into my life, moved in within 3 months, and eventually I grew to love her. If she never made that move I don't think I would ever make that step of my own free will.

[hmf2234]

welp... last night I got out of the shower after work, looked at my phone and seen 2 missed calls from the ex. As I was looking at the missed call log, in surprise, the phone starts ringing while its in my hand and its her calling for the third time. I DID NOT PICK UP!

That makes it 3 call attempts in the span of 18 minutes. She did not leave any voice messages. This also makes it the first time she has attempted reaching out to me in 2 months and 3 days. Last contact was june 11th that was basically a 34 second "thanks for being useless as always" call.

I had a great 4 day weekend with the girl I have been seeing this entire time, and my ex wasn't on my mind at all for the first time ever during those 4 days. It's funny how that works out. Finally I stopped thinking about her on a day to day basis, then magically she tries to initiate contact. She has some kind of 6th sense and is trying to haunt me .

After seeing those 3 missed calls I did start feeling some anxiety. Questions started to pop into my mind which mainly consisted of "what reason can she have to be f*****g calling me after 2 months". She blocked and removed all our mutual friends, which really were just the people I knew since she didn't really ever have friends of her own from the past. She took the dog so there is absolutely nothing linking us at all. So w.t.f. Curiosity is killing me, but I refuse to call her back because there is literally nothing to talk about, and even if there was... there would be nothing to be accomplished from it. She is 1000 miles away with her new "soulmate" and I am here. In my mind, any contact with her is absolutely pointless.

[hardrockcy]

this is called charming my friend. and as long as she is in a r/s nothing good comes out. she wants to see that you are there and care for her. stay strong stay N/C and let her wondering...when her new r/s fades she ll more probably contacting u more, if u mean something more to her, than others...

[Cromwell]

Finally I stopped thinking about her on a day to day basis, then magically she tries to initiate contact. She has some kind of 6th sense and is trying to haunt me .

After seeing those 3 missed calls I did start feeling some anxiety. Questions started to pop into my mind which mainly consisted of "what reason can she have to be f*****g calling me after 2 months". She blocked and removed all our mutual friends, which really were just the people I knew since she didn't really ever have friends of her own from the past. She took the dog so there is absolutely nothing linking us at all.

Hi hmf2234

No 6th sense, no magic or haunting going on but I know the context of where you are now can make it feel like so.

I was ghosted by BPDx for 6 months and got a text out of nowhere, part of the pull factor was this same curiosity of wanting to know more it was a factor that led me ultimately into a relationship with her. I guess to answer the curiosity at a fundamental level - she needs something from you. Isnt this the basis of virtually every call we get from anyone?
The question is, do you at this moment in time, need anything from her?

Sounds like you have found happiness in a new relationship and in those circumstances, chose not to answer. She could have left a voicemail or sent a text to convey what was so important to contact you. I equate these types of calls the same as salesperson's in callcentres who get my number, cold call, when I answer they just trained to say "hi how are you?"

My thoughts are curious "who the hell is this?" before it gets to "what the hell do you want from me?" the rapport has started up.

On one of the split ups I actually missed her calls, rather than ignore them and got a voicemail. it went "Cromwell, ive lost my job, is this still your number, please call" and was semi-whiney despair and depressed in tone.

Maybe she even prefixed it with "how are you", or I am confabulating that now. If I am, it is on the basis of so many other contact that started with "how are you" only to then be 100% in content of her, and her needs needing fulfilled.

Can I just ask out of interest, there is no connection anymore, the relationship has caused enough grief to find this support group - it took me a long time to change my phone number but the day I managed to cut out just another source of potential anxiety/curiosity or other forms of provocation. She messaged my family on social media for my new number, in the past I let them give her it, again the day arrived of proper NC when I told them not to.

In short, moving on really meant getting serious about it, acknowledging the level of grief and doing whatever I could do reasonably to put a stop to it. In these modern times, a change of phone number whilst inconvenient was an example of something I could change easily to bring a bit more peace into my life. Id consider a call from my ex, unanswered or not as "contact", that could be otherwise avoided and not invite a pathway of thoughts to emerge from it.

[hmf2234]

when her new r/s fades she ll more probably contacting u more, if u mean something more to her, than others...

Looking back at the whole situation I can firmly say that I didn't mean anything to her, as evidence to her immediately being with another guy the very next day after she moved out. A normal person who has respect for you and the relationship you were in would never do that. They would stay single for a little while and grieve before moving on because the relationship actually meant something to them.

I was merely used to satisfy her immense fear of abandonment, there was nothing about me that made me special to her. I was just a tool that made her happy for the time being and once I have served my purpose she discarded me like any child that is bored with their old toy.

The man she is with right now is being used as well. In her mind she truly believes she is in love and he is her soulmate, but knowing what I know now, I know that is nothing but a fantasy that will not last because people like us know the reality of the situation. She does not. She's in La La land.

I guess to answer the curiosity at a fundamental level - she needs something from you. Isnt this the basis of virtually every call we get from anyone?
The question is, do you at this moment in time, need anything from her?

No, I don't NEED anything from her even though she owes me close to $10 grand, that is something I WANT... but not necessarily need.

I helped her out financially when she was desperate and I kept it simple with a "you can pay me back when you can once you're back on your feet" kind of thing. I was paying all her bills for a full year while she was working and trying to put away money. Even after almost a year she still wasn't paying for her half of the rent or even her own car insurance or cellphone bills. I let it slide not trying to make myself sound like all I care about is money, but its clear she took advantage of the situation and manipulated her way into never again paying her half of the living costs or even her own personal bills.

I would want that money back, 10k can always be useful... but I dread having to call her for any reason or even picking up any of her phone calls if and when they do come. And even if I do ask for the money back, I doubt she would just agree. I'd never get it back anyways. Just have to come to terms that I have to eat this emotional and financial loss and deal with it. Life isn't fair and no amount of bitching and moaning will change that fact. Life goes on.

[Pytagoras]

Looking back at the whole situation I can firmly say that I didn't mean anything to her, as evidence to her immediately being with another guy the very next day after she moved out. A normal person who has respect for you and the relationship you were in would never do that. They would stay single for a little while and grieve before moving on because the relationship actually meant something to them.

When we talk about pwBPD, meaning something to them is when you have something that they want or need. May that be emotional, psysical, financial confort or wtv. In that sense, when her actual r/s start to fade (and we know that is just a question of time), if you show up in her list as the best person avaliable, i think that she will try to contact you. That if she is of a "boomerang" type. Is she? Some of them cut off for life.

That is what it means, meaning something to her.

My exBPDgf is saying now that the bf she loved most was a previous bf, that was good to her and gave her everything. A r/s where she felt confortable, altough it was the one that she cheated the most. She cheated him with dozens of guys, even his friends, and said she didn't like him as a man. Maybe as father figure. But, nevetheless, he is that one guy that always helped her, never complained, etc. Of course, her anger and fear of intimacy had lead her to act out in some manner... But i think that this particular ex-bf must mean something to her, at least while her motivations are inclined to that, for example, show her new bfs an example on how they should behave.

I don't think they ever mourn the relationship, or if they do it, it's not a real, healthy mourning. They just transfer everything to a new person. I can't imagine how can it be for a person to carry out all this imense and ever growing emotional weigth, r/s after r/s, cycle after cycle, without ever release the pressure by having a time and space to just clear their already putred emotional state. It's got to be something...

I don't think that is very likely that you will ever see your money back... : /