Stuck and struggling with resentment

[pursuingJoy]

I feel stuck and resentful. About three months ago, we were at my uBPD MIL's painting her bedroom. Husband, knowing full well that she planned to bully me, allowed it without saying a word. I had already learned that it wasn't effective to speak to her directly (took zero responsibility and responded with I can't help it/I don't remember saying that/I didn't mean anything by it.) It was ineffective to share my feelings with my husband (she can't help it/that's the way she is/she didn't mean anything by it/you should just speak to her directly.)

After the bullying, I spoke firmly, simply and directly, which earned me absolute misery. Husband railed at me for two hours on the ride home and we've been fighting ever since. She has threatened to never come to our house again, then backtracked with a condition that I must call her and expressly invite her if she is to come. I was then informed by my husband that she was angry I didn't call, I must call before the end of the week or else. Most of the time they talk when I'm not around, but one day when I was next to him, she called whining and crying, apologizing that she is such a horrible person. She says that all she wants is to have a loving relationship with me (implied: why is your wife so mean to me?). Meanwhile, I'm in full support of at least a truce, for my husband's sake. I've never once said she isn't welcome or shouldn't come.  I didn't follow through with her demand to call (I don't do well with demands or ultimatums   ) but I invited her to my daughter's grad party twice in person, right after our run-in, I've invited her to her son's birthday party on Facebook (like I invited everyone). She ignores any effort I make, refuses to come and blames me because I didn't call.

The therapist we started seeing after the run-in was the one that told me it sounds like she has BPD. My husband was barely in the door for counseling (he said he was going just to support me through my issues). He threatened at one point to quit counseling. I shared that with the T and she agreed that it was best not to share anything about BPD just yet. One baby step: he is frustrated enough that I won't smooth things over with his mom and he went to his first individual T session last week, at his suggestion.

I feel stuck and resentful because after 6 years of being told "just talk to Mom directly, let her know how you feel" he absolutely lambasted me for doing so. After years of biting my tongue in the name of being patient with his mom's antics and lack of boundaries, I'm criticized for holding grudges. I am well aware that my husband feels trapped between two people so for about 6 weeks I've made a commitment to take care of myself, not take blame that is not mine, and release the pressure on him by not putting him in a position where he needs to side with me. (Some of this means just not talking about it until we're in therapy.) He's noticed, but even those efforts backfire: in our last therapy session, he said, "I don't feel yanked at or pulled by you. Thank you for that. But mom was crying and the tension is still there, so I need you to resolve your issues with my mom because it's causing me stress." It genuinely doesn't matter what I do with either of them - I'm in the wrong. She can't access me, so it feels like she's using him to bully me.

I'm open to words of encouragement, admonishment, or whatever. What am I missing? How do I navigate my resentment? I am most worried that if/when he does turn the corner and see a little bit of what's going on, it will be too little, too late. We are happy and compatible. We enjoy time together, we've successfully navigated some very tough waters with kids/step kids and NPD exes. But this thing with his mom is untouchable. I'm well aware that it could destroy our marriage.     

[ProudDad12]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. For what it's worth, it sounds like you are in the position my wife was in for many years. I never understood why certain things bothered her in regards to my family, because I was too blinded my the enmeshment and my programming to keep my uBPD mom happy.

It took me 10 years to get a look from outside the enmeshment.

There aren't really any good answers here, but there is hope. My wife and I are great together. While we can have some pretty severe arguments, 95% of them are caused by and/or fueled by tension from my uBPD mom and the resulting family dynamics.

Living this from your husband's perspective, please know this... it is very likely not his fault (and nor yours). It is very hard to see the unhealthiness of these family dynamics from the inside, and even harder to pull out the weeds of programming and break out. I've been at it for 3 years, and even now it consumes me at times. I told my wife the other day it sometimes feels like tendrils reaching out somewhere inside me and trying to pull me back down.

Just know there is hope. Unfortunately this may be something your husband needs to witness for himself and not something he can be convinced of with words. In my case, my "triggering event" was something my mom said that triggered my protective instincts and overcame the fear/loyalty to my mom. I stood up to her, and her raging response was hard, but it opened my eyes and got me in the door for therapy (which my wife had been begging for for years). For what it's worth it happened during a time that our marriage was even better than normal, as we were planning for our second child.

Speaking from my experience, I think the best thing you can do is try your best to be patient with him and keep the high road with your words and actions as best you can. When it comes to a BPD parent, it is easier to spot the "problem" when there isn't anything to lay blame on from the "outside".

I know first hand how hard this can be on a marriage. Even now I know my wife deep down holds resentment for the 10 years I was in the system. But she has stuck by me, and today when we're together in crisis from dealing with my family, she reminds me that she didn't go anywhere then, so she sure isn't going anywhere now. I'm grateful she has stuck by my side, not all marriages are so lucky.

For what it's worth, we're currently in crisis with my mom again and it's one of the toughest and most confusing things I've ever dealt with, but the thing neither my wife or I are questioning is our marriage. We are in this together.

I'm not sure if that helps or not, and I apologize for semi-hijacking with my own story, but maybe it will present some hope. As far as navigating your resentment, just know the brainwashing/programming in these situations runs way too deep to be bothered by something silly like logic. Find an outlet, be it friends or posting here. Something to remind yourself that YOU aren't crazy. If/when your husband has an epiphany, he will be grateful to have you by his side. BPD dynamics are very hard on marriages, but that doesn't mean there isn't hope.

Full disclosure, I'm by no means a professional and only speak from my own experience! Again, I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through, and know there are people on this board much more well versed than I in all this who I'm sure will be weighing in for help!

[GaGrl]

PursuingJoy, I watched my parents navigate a marriage with my mother's stepmother having uBPD/NPD. Because of the behaviors that so affected other members are f the family, my father moved us 200 miles away, which in our case helped.

When you say that both you and your husband knew your MIL was going to bully you, and she did -- can you describe exactly what she did and said? Sometimes it helps to work through a situation when we know more about what happened, what was said, etc.

[pursuingJoy]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. For what it's worth, it sounds like you are in the position my wife was in for many years. I never understood why certain things bothered her in regards to my family, because I was too blinded my the enmeshment and my programming to keep my uBPD mom happy.

ProudDad 12, I've been following your story on the other two threads. I am so impressed at your self-awareness and I'm hoping that is a reflection of my experience in the next few years. You didn't hijack and I'm thankful for your comments. Your story helps me understand mine from the other side. You used the word hope - I needed to hear that! You said in one of your other comments that she could reduce you to a child. I've seen my mud-running, former military, tough fix-it man that loves me with all his heart reduced to a helpless little boy in front of his mom, then try to defend his actions, even though he can't quite explain why he behaved the way he did.

He was and is the golden child, too. His only brother, who committed suicide 20 years ago, was the black sheep (ie, scapegoat). He is her only child and she uses that to manipulate him. On his part, maybe he's terrified of losing that status even if I am the current scapegoat. He knows the current discomfort will subside if I just go along with her demands. I don't want to, nor do I feel any compulsion to. I'm not being mean, ungrateful, unforgiving, or unfeeling. It would be so much easier if we all got along. I know my own limits. 

It's really great to hear you say that you are grateful that your wife stuck with you through these ten years, and it's wonderful that at least you're in the fight together this time.  Those two things are all I'd ever want.

You and your wife are doing great. Keep supporting each other. She's #lifegoals

[pursuingJoy]

When you say that both you and your husband knew your MIL was going to bully you, and she did -- can you describe exactly what she did and said?

GaGirl, my gosh I wish we could move further away. Good for your dad. My husband is an only child who feels heavy obligation to do everything for his waif BPD mom in her aging years. He feels so much guilt for not doing more, for having a life with me. In his words, it's all self-inflicted, she hasn't asked for anything.

We agreed 6 years ago and many times since then that his mom should not ever move in with us. It's an odd conversation that he keeps bringing up like maybe this time we'll come to a different conclusion, but we always land in the same place: she won't move in with us. (half joking, I'm tempted to write a contract and have him sign it because I'm really concerned he'll "forget.")

I took a day off work to drive up to his mom's house to help him paint her bedroom. He’d spent all day with her the day before and spent the night there. When I arrived, he didn’t get up or greet me - really unusual for him. No big deal, I picked up a paintbrush and got to work. Within two minutes of my arrival, my MIL said, “Oh by the way, we’ve decided that we’re building an apartment above a garage on your property for me. You can decorate the outside but I get to decorate the inside.”

This was out of context, strange and inaccurate as I was 100% certain that we had agreed his mom was not moving in. I looked at him desperately for help, he didn't even look up. He said nothing. I didn’t understand what was happening, so I joked, “Oh is that the plan?” And I kept working. She went in again, “yes, I found one I liked, it’s midcentury modern and I think you’ll like it. It has windows.” I again joked in a way that I hoped would head her off until I’d had a chance to talk to my husband and get clarity. She kept going, talking about their plans and my husband was still saying nothing. At this point I started to fume.

She left the room and I had a chance to talk to him. I found out that she had told him she wanted to 'poke at' me with this. He’d tried to call me to warn me but I didn’t pick up the phone.

She came back in and started in again about their plans. At this point the tension in the room was palpable and I realized that her intent was to bully. I finally put my paintbrush down (I'm still kicking myself for crying here) and said that wasn’t what her son and I had agreed on. She said she wouldn’t be moving in to the house, just moving into an apartment over a new garage that she would build. Again, I explained that this wasn’t what her son and I had talked about. He said nothing but was getting super agitated.

She KEPT GOING on about their plans so I got off the ladder and walked down the hall. I wanted to get my keys and go for a drive. I told my husband to call me when he needed a ride home. She followed me down the hall and called after me that that I was just insecure.

At this point, I was so frustrated at his complete silence, AND at her inability to stop her “poking.” I said it wasn’t insecurity, that I felt out of place when I was with them, and clearly they had made plans that I was simply to go along with. She then said, “Aw, honey, you belong with us. Doesn’t she (son's name)? Doesn’t she belong with us?” His reply: “It doesn’t matter what I say.”

She then asked what she had done soo wrong. I asked her intent in poking at me. She said she didn’t mean anything by it. I asked if she had any idea how I might react to her poking. Her tone and face changed and she said angrily, “Oh, you’ve never wanted me to move down there with you.” I stayed calm and said that wasn’t true, that her moving in with us was the first plan but after looking at a few houses we agreed that wouldn’t work for anyone. She didn't say anything.
 
I again asked, “So you had no idea how I might react to your poking?” She didn’t say anything.

I explained that we saw family differently and that sometimes I felt judged by both her and her son because I related to my parents differently. She said, “Aw honey no we don’t judge you at all. How could we judge you, you didn’t have the happy tight-knit experience we had. You couldn’t understand because your family is dysfunctional.” (Sigh. So condescending. I didn't react.)

I then explained that not only did I approach family differently, she had done things to hurt me. I used examples she already knew about, calling me the ex-wife's name for a year and a half (her response: “I couldn’t help that”) and criticizing my greens (her response: “What, I’m not supposed to want vinegar?”)

She assured me that she just wanted her son to be happy. I committed to addressing issues the moment they came up. I felt guilty about leaving my husband with the painting so I went back to help him finish. That was the angriest painting we've ever done. When we left I gave her a hug and invited her (twice) to my daughter's graduation party.

Cue the two hour ride home where he yelled at me - "what is wrong with you? Why can't you let an old woman dream? What is your problem? Why can't you understand how lonely she is? You're too sensitive, she didn't mean anything by poking you." Three months later, he still says all of the same things in a calmer voice. He admitted that it wasn't right to yell, he was just tired and upset because I arrived later than I said I would.

I've tried to explain that he could have headed that off at many points, starting with telling her she shouldn't poke at me. It was fine to call me to warn me, but why was his first reaction to let me know I should just tolerate her poking? He could have also spoken up when it was happening and he saw me getting upset. He gives me a blank look when I share these options. To him, they're not options.

Sorry for the long post, just trying to provide helpful context. What do you see?

[pursuingJoy]

Since we were advised by the counselor to hold off on conversations about his mom until we are in therapy, my husband has been noticeably irritable. I know he is angry with me for not 'smoothing things over' with his mom but I am working to stay calm and remove myself from the triangle. It's hard for him not to get things off his chest. We just finished a conversation where he went off on a brief tirade about someone else that I suspect was meant for me, something about "make a decision, leaving a wake of destruction, ruining relationships" etc.

Normally I would have felt dissatisfied and frustated, but we're both learning new habits: I didn't insist on knowing what was wrong so that I could take care of him, he didn't insist on dumping his emotions, we both stayed calm, and I didn't feel any compulsion to defend myself. If I continue to take myself out of the triangle, I can't be the scapegoat that is always taking the heat, he'll have to navigate his mom's unhealthy emotions and pressures on his own. He still blames me, but I don't have to accept the blame.

[GaGrl]

"Poking" ? That is straight-out passive-aggressive behavior.

We all want our spouse/partner to hold us as a priority. We expect to be a team -- the two of us against the world. When it doesn't work out this way, because the spouse is dysfunctional in some way, it is very disappointing.

I remember a number of stressful visits to see my grandparents. We could usually manage three days without my mother having difficulties with her stepmother. There were multiple occasions where she "poked" at my mother -- these were the times I heard Dad say, "That's enough, Dorothy." Again, there was a level of protection he afforded her.

 Are you clear on your values and boundaries, and how that helps protect you? What about your husband? If he holds a value that he loves and protects you, but he can't hold a boundary with his mother regarding her treatment of you, then he is violating his own values, and that will make him miserable.

Your boundaries are about YOUR values and what you will or won't allow to happen. If your value is that family treats each other respectfully, then you get to decide what you do and say when a family member treats you with bullying, disrespectful behavior. Especially if your Dear Husband is not yet capable of doing so.

But upsets and extinction bursts? Oh yes, those get worse before they get better.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi pj, 

Your story is such a familiar one. I grew up with a uBPDm, and my parents fought a lot, mostly about my dad's mom and dad. The dynamics were tough on my parents and grandparents, and I saw first hand how hard it can be to have a BPD in the mix, whether it is as a parent, in law, or spouse. The short story is that this is a very tough situation for you and your DH to be in. He most likely feels so pulled and in FOG most of the time from his mom, and he sees you as being his rescue from the torment if you'd just 'smooth things over.' You're right that it puts you right in the drama triangle! Good for you that you are doing your best to step off. 

Resentment is another bear to fight with. I have been dealing with the potential for resentment in my marriage because of the blame DH is continually putting on me, not so different than what I grew up with. I'm finding that the best way to avoid resentment is if I focus on me and what I can do to get and stay healthy, and I am trying to let him be who he is. It sounds like you are doing that too.  DH will need to figure out how to self soothe, and I will keep working on soothing myself rather than on trying to fix DH so he can help me to feel better. It's quite the challenge! It sounds as if you are doing a good job. 

Wools

[pursuingJoy]

"Poking" ? That is straight-out passive-aggressive behavior.

A small voice in the back of my brain tells me this but it makes me feel a little less crazy to hear it from another source. Thank you.

We all want our spouse/partner to hold us as a priority. We expect to be a team -- the two of us against the world. When it doesn't work out this way, because the spouse is dysfunctional in some way, it is very disappointing.

100% true for me. Do you think it's true for him too? He wants us to be a team, united in smoothing over things with his mom, and it's disappointing that I don't get on board?

I remember a number of stressful visits to see my grandparents. We could usually manage three days without my mother having difficulties with her stepmother. There were multiple occasions where she "poked" at my mother -- these were the times I heard Dad say, "That's enough, Dorothy." Again, there was a level of protection he afforded her.

Go dad for standing with mom! This is actually helpful to reflect the level of enmeshment in my situation. I've heard her make snarky comments and poke at him, but if I were to say, "that's enough" they'd both turn on me. He really does not see the damage.

Are you clear on your values and boundaries, and how that helps protect you?

Great question -this will be a useful way to direct my energy. I've been brushing up on reading about boundaries and the idea that they're founded on personal values. I think I spend too much time defending what I've learned about life using the negative things I've experienced, and too little time simply standing on the value alone, period.  In their efforts to avoid, DH and MIL target the negative experience, throw away the wisdom and write off my opinion because I'm damaged goods. So if I say, "surviving a narcissistic ex-husband taught me the importance of preserving my peace of mind and setting healthy boundaries." They respond, "That's just your opinion. We do things differently. You poor thing, you can't see straight because you had those experiences." I've quit sharing anything personal about my history with either of them because they use it as fuel to dismiss/invalidate me. (Realizing as I write this that I subconsciously include my history as a means of validating my story to myself.) So, I'll work on stand-alone values. Very helpful - thanks!

What about your husband? If he holds a value that he loves and protects you, but he can't hold a boundary with his mother regarding her treatment of you, then he is violating his own values, and that will make him miserable.

Quick story: my 15 year old was suicidal last year. She was admitted to the local behavioral health hospital. She doesn't have a good relationship with DH (he still has things to work through in relationship to his own brother's suicide and he told her that he was disappointed in her for having suicidal thoughts - that's another story for another day), but she does talk to me about most things. She asked me not to share her experience with anyone outside the immediate family who already knew. This meant not sharing with our parents, friends, extended family etc. I didn't tell my mom, and I asked DH not to share with his mom. I expressed that this was out of respect for my daughter, but also because his mom is known for 'no filter'...the first drink and she'd spew all sorts of things in a public setting. He didn't like the request, but I had no doubt that he would honor it because (1) he agreed he wouldn't and (2) because of a value he holds to: if a friend asks you not to share something, you don't share it with others, not even your spouse.

Fast forward to Thanksgiving. Within a few minutes of her arrival, MIL was alone in the house with me and launched into conversation about my daughter, exactly the things I'd asked DH not to share. I was so mad. I said, "I'm surprised you know, as I'd asked him not to share that with you, or anyone, out of respect for my daughter." She said, "Oh honey he tells me everything."

I confronted him. I couldn't believe his response: he said that I should have talked to her about it in the first place. No apology, just defending his behavior in doing something that (1) he promised me he wouldn't do and (2) violates a standard I know he holds firm. Is that called cognitive dissonance? Why can he hold a standard but so willingly violate it where his mom is concerned?

(To make matters worse, my ex told his whole family about her suicidal ideation and being hospitalized. At every visit, a slew of grandparents, aunts and uncles ask how she is and they want the full scoop, something my introverted artist isn't ready to divulge to the world. She's angry at her dad for putting her in that vulnerable position. I was SO frustrated that my husband did the same thing. She is seeing a therapist and has been communicating responsibly about her emotions, she's doing all she can and her two father figures can't honor one request.)

But upsets and extinction bursts? Oh yes, those get worse before they get better.

Do they ever. It helps to be able to identify these for what they are but it still sucks to go through.

[pursuingJoy]

You're right that it puts you right in the drama triangle! Good for you that you are doing your best to step off. 

Thanks Wools. I didn't think about him perceiving me as the rescuer. That makes a lot of sense. Staying out of the triangle is a daily fight in progress. In our last therapy session, the entire conversation was <again> all about why I feel the way I feel about his mom. He wants me to 'make a decision already,' which is confusing to me. They are both very black and white in how they see my relationship with her. We're either best buds or we're enemies. A truce or partial option or relationship with boundaries is not an option. I find this strange and I'm seen as keeping him in limbo because I won't "decide."

Resentment is another bear to fight with. I have been dealing with the potential for resentment in my marriage because of the blame DH is continually putting on me, not so different than what I grew up with.

Want to share more?

DH will need to figure out how to self soothe, and I will keep working on soothing myself rather than on trying to fix DH so he can help me to feel better. It's quite the challenge! It sounds as if you are doing a good job. 

yes to the self-soothing, excellent point! Thank you - the resentment part is something that I worry about a lot and this is a straightforward technique I can turn into a mantra, easy to remember. It sounds like you've been down this road. Thanks for the encouragement.

pj

[pursuingJoy]

Just read this great thread. More affirmation in my choice not to engage with either of them or feel pressured to "make a choice." https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=106107