Breakup/make-up cycle

[HutTracat]

I am a 39 year old divorced mother of a 6 year old boy and 9 year old girl. Divorced a year and a half; separated a year before that. I am a PR consultant working for myself and do fairly well. I pay my ex husband child support. 

I have been dating my boyfriend since October and based on some of the events and his past;  we both agree that he most likely has BPD. He is still trying to find the right therapist since where we live isn’t exactly filled with folks qualified to help him. His father left his mom when he was one and he didn’t see him again for years. When he did; he was taken to bars and watched while his dad and motorcycle gang friends got drunk and into fights.  His mother remarried when he was 5 to a man who brought another 5 year old boy into the picture. They then had a son together right away. My boyfriend’s stepfather was emotionally and verbally abusive to him and his mother but seemingly quite loving to his biological boys. My boyfriend’s step brother ended up sexually molesting him and their younger brother when they were 11 and 6 and he was also 11. The abuse from his stepfather lasted all through high school; while my bf tried to please his him and his mother didn’t intervene. My bf went to college in a different state and became addicted to cocaine; which would be a problem for the next 15 years. He got married to his high school sweetheart after college when they reunited and they have two amazing teenagers. They got divorced after maybe 7 years of marriage and several affairs from both of them. Their relationship was very volatile apparently.

Since then he has dated a few women but before me he was actually celibate for four years and just focused on his kids. He almost died a few years ago with a physical medical issue and he decided he didn’t want to spend any more time with women he didn’t see a future with.

Then he met me through a mutual friend. Per what I read about BPD; there is some pretty textbook behavior. He told me he was in love with me within a few weeks but slowly I saw glimpses of what looked like major insecurities. One time he accused me of making eyes at a guy at the next table. I didn’t even see a guy. The first big incident was after three months of dating when an ex texted me happy birthday. He blew up and threw a beer can across the room and broke up with me because I’m a liar and a slut. Now of course a normal woman would go running but I have my own issues from childhood and Instead panicked and begged him to stay. After an hour of drama it worked. And that is the pattern that has now repeated itself about 50 times. I went on a work trip and he was upset that I wasn’t texting him back quickly. I was in work meetings. I got back to my phone and the texts were paragraphs long, insulting rants and then he would say we were done. Other times he has broken up with me are after he thought I Gave him a weird look when I came home from dinner out, when there were packages delivered that he wasn’t expecting so I am too materialistic, when I didn’t discipline my kids properly, when my ex husband would be disrespectful and I would not react. All triggers leading to hours/days of push-pull.


I am academic by nature and have done extensive research into BPD and from the first time I approached it he has agreed that it sounds just like him. He has watched videos I have sent and read articles with me. He is always horrified after the break up incidents and tells me I should leave him because he will drain me emotionally and I deserve better. I realize some probably think this is a manipulation tactic. He is incredibly kind and generous and hard working; but then we have these incidents and up and down moods. He was diagnosed as bipolar in his 20s but he has never had long manic or depressed periods. His episodes are quick to arrive and often quick to leave. Once he broke up with me on the way to dinner, then he apologized, then it happened during dinner, then apologized; then at the end of dinner walking to get gelato.

He is also very hard on me sometimes when it comes to my flaws and if he thinks I am not working on my “_____” enough he sees it as another reason to dump me.

So; other than running away quickly what do you suggest I do when he snaps and decides he needs to end the relationship? I have read/watched so many things that conflict. Some think I should call the bluff and tell him it’s unacceptable that he treat me like that and not speak to him for at least 24 hours. Others give strategies on validating him, what tone of voice to use etc; how to diffuse. I am working on figuring out why the heck I am still around and putting up with this (I know why actually; I just don’t know how to love and value myself enough and to not panic when he says he is leaving; working on that part). He finally has a therapist with expertise in this and who will do DBT with him and we are doing the eggshells handbook and dBT handbook together.

But as I figure this out on my terms; I would love to know if you think there is an effective way to respond during these break up scenarios that could help both of us. He has even done it via text a few times. Should I text back? Call? Wait til he calms down? I have tried all of it. Turning off my phone only leaves me with even more awful texts when I turn it back on as he says things like “I know you are ignoring me because you are addicted to your phone and it’s always with you. Then swearing at me and telling me to go back on a dating website to meet new guys to sleep with.  What can I say or do to just not make it worse since I know I can’t fix anything?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[No-One]

Hi HutTracat:  Welcome!
I'm sure others will be along to welcome you and offer some advice regarding strategies.  A couple of things you mentioned jumped out at me for comment.

I am working on figuring out why the heck I am still around and putting up with this (I know why actually; I just don’t know how to love and value myself enough and to not panic when he says he is leaving; working on that part). . .  He is also very hard on me sometimes when it comes to my flaws and if he thinks I am not working on my “PLEASE READ” enough he sees it as another reason to dump me. 

It sounds like a good time to seek the assistance of a therapist to help you analyse the relationship and figure out if it's best for you and your children to stay with him.  You haven't been divorced very long.  Are you able to share what went wrong in your marriage?

Sounds like you are very good at PR.  I don't mean to offend you, but good PR people can put lipstick on a pig and sell it.  If you wrote a very honest PR piece about your boyfriend, what are his valid selling points?

What makes him a keeper for you? 
What makes him a keeper, from the perspective of your children?
What are the consequences of your children being around his problem behaviors?
Would you want your daughter to date/marry someone like your boyfriend?

Just asking some questions to make you think?   Evaluating your failed marriage and seriously thinking about what's good for you and your children for the future can be time and effort well spent.

[Aburn4827]

Some of your story mirrors mine in so many ways.  My wife and I two started off in that extreme infatuation phase like you spoke of.  We have since had so many ups and downs.  It can be so confusing. 

Once he broke up with me on the way to dinner, then he apologized, then it happened during dinner, then apologized; then at the end of dinner walking to get gelato.

We too have had so many break ups and then back together, it can be exhausting.  Once she told me to leave because she wasn't in love with me anymore, but then had me stay the night because she didn't want to be alone, only to kick me out again the next morning.  Then a few days later apologized and made up.  Then there was an affair, which we worked through and sought out marriage counseling.  There has been many of what she calls "connections" that she gets with other guys.  She tries to say that she just connects with them on a different level.   We just recently had another episode where she said she was unhappy and has been for a long time, even though not too long ago she was saying how she felt like we were getting that passion back again.  The we have a talk and she tells me how she could never leave me because she loves me too much, but just no "in love" and has lost all the passion, but that she wouldn't leave me because we have been through so much and I have done so much for her she feels like she owes me.  To me that was kind of back-handed compliment, almost as if, I don't want to be the one to leave because I don't want to look bad.  It can be so confusing.  Then as of right now she is willing to work on us and keep an open mind.  It can be exhausting.  My one hope is, I have read many times that with therapy and time, it can get better.  We had a long period of good not too long ago, even making the decision to have another baby.  I get my hopes up that that other side of the cycle wont return, but it always does.  I just hope we are able to get through this. 

As far as suggestions, only thing I can do is talk from my experience.  If your spouse is being volatile, I would step back and keep my distance until he calms down some.  You also have to think about how he may perceive what you are saying, so keep it as clear and straightforward as possible.  When I talk to my wife when she is like this, I have to keep it as clear as possible, because if not she will take it completely different as to how I meant it, and twist up and make it seem like I was attacking her or being hateful when that was never the case.  I don't believe she does it on purpose either, she truly believes that's what I was saying, so I always try to make sure and clarify myself.  But even then, she can take offense to that saying that I don't think she is very smart or I am talking down to her, which again was never my intention.  You may want to seek counseling yourself.  I have, and it has really helped just to be able to talk with someone and get validation that I am not just going insane.

[ColdKnight]

I know how you feel. My bpdgf loves to give me the silent treatment. I have tried calling her out on it and she becomes enraged. I have tried being supportive by sending “I’m still here” texts. These were both responses that I read were the correct way to handle the situation. Examples:

One Saturday night she texted asking what I was doing. Told her having a drink with a buddy. She responded “Mmmmm ok 

[HutTracat]

You haven't been divorced very long.  Are you able to share what went wrong in your marriage?

I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional family. Only child; parents put me in the middle of their issues constantly and my dad treated me like a friend to tell secrets to and complain to about my mom while my mom treated me like her nemesis to insult and say awful things to about my dad. I got depressed and anxious in high school but to this day they say it was a chemical imbalance versus a result of taking on the role of mediator/confidant etc. who put my emotional needs second.My ex husband is not a bad guy; but he's a stubborn child in many ways and I enabled him to the point of draining myself completely and checking out of the marriage. I made the money, handled the household/child admin; handled all the sick days because I worked from home, booked all the vet/doctors/house repair apps; and of course he was the fun one. When I tried to change the dynamic he refused and demanded I work on my emotional issues before he made any effort. Chicken/egg situation in many ways but while I went to therapy devotedly, he said he didn't need any and our issues were because of me. I felt alone and lived in a dead marriage for years before the separation and then divorce ( a two year process). I now find myself enabling again; but with someone who knows his deep issues and is in therapy and takes responsibility after episodes. It's obvious though that I am a learned caretaker though and when he says he's leaving me; instead of telling myself that I don't need to put up with this behavior ever; I panic.

Sounds like you are very good at PR.  I don't mean to offend you, but good PR people can put lipstick on a pig and sell it.  If you wrote a very honest PR piece about your boyfriend, what are his valid selling points?

What makes him a keeper for you? 
What makes him a keeper, from the perspective of your children?
What are the consequences of your children being around his problem behaviors?
Would you want your daughter to date/marry someone like your boyfriend?

-He's so selfless and hard working and kind.
-My children have never been exposed to his behavior except if he's a little grouchy. His break up rages have always been when they are with their dad or one of us is away and he is triggered by something (he thinks I am drunk, or cheating etc.) and it all unfolds via text message. But my kids like him. He takes them fishing; reads to them and is a wonderful cook. He goes to their soccer games.
-I hope my daughter doesn't end up loving someone with an illness like this. Nor any illness; a husband with cancer etc. But I also am raising her to have empathy; and would hope she wouldn't bail on someone with a mental illness either. But I would also want her to value herself and put her happiness first and know when to say enough is enough; since that involves incredible strength I seem to be lacking right now.