Will this cycle stop?

[Aburn4827]

Hi it’s been a couple of years since I last posted anything.  There has been so much to even attempt to cover in one post.  We have dealt with infidelity, but worked through it, addiction but worked through and now she is 8 years sober, had a child, had some ups and downs.  But one thing that always seems to be constant is this cycle of being “in love” with me and then going to loving me like a brother or friend but not feeling any passion.  I don’t know if this is a BPD thing or what.  When we first met, we had that heads over heals love that was really intense which I have seen to be common with someone with BPD.  But once that faded, it has been a cycle of how much she loves me to there is no passion anymore and she is not “in love” with me, but yet she still cares about me.  We have discussed marriage counseling again but she does not seem to interested in it.  Is this something common in relationships with someone with BPD?  I have done a lot of research myself on BPD in general, even working on my master’s in clinical mental health counseling.  But I still get lost sometimes.  Is this just another cycle or something different?  We finally sat down and had a long emotional talk and she said that she is not looking to leave , but just feels like she is not going to ever be happy again.  Then part of me feels like she is saying that because she doesn’t want to be the bad guy and to be the one that leaves.  She says she cares about me but then always has these “connections” with other guys, one of those leading to an affair.  After that affair we sought out marriage counseling and did a lot better for a while.  But then eventually another “connection” came up.  Now she is questioning her love for me again, saying that the passion is gone and has been gone for a while.  I get so frustrated.   I get marriage takes work, and that passion can die off, but to me, that means you need to get to work on it.  She just gives up, and assumes it won’t ever be there again.  She uses a lot of that all or nothing type thinking.  She will say she is needing more, but won’t ever say what it is that she needs.  She has been working with a counselor for a while now, a couple of years, but does this cycle ever stop?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

saying that the passion is gone

im reading into this a lot, but from the sound of it, she equates that passion with romantic love, and essentially needs it in order to maintain a connection. this is a common reason people go outside of the marriage...one that is not about you, but trying to fill an internal emptiness.

if shes not willing to put the work in, is that something you can live with?

[Aburn4827]

I think that’s the hardest part, that she doesn’t seem open to working it out.  Not saying that she doesn’t want it to work out necessarily, but she  has her mind made up already that it won’t. 

[Radcliff]

That's a tough spot to be in, feeling like her mind is made up that things can't improve.  once removed asked a good question.  Is this something you can live with?

RC

[Aburn4827]

Honestly I’m not sure.  I mean, I guess I just want some kind of answer for one.  I hate being in this limbo.  If she wants to leave then she needs to leave, don’t make me be the one that tells you to go so you don’t have to feel like the bad guy.  Then there is the part of me that wants to believe that this is just another phase of the cycle and if I can just wait it out, things will get better again.  Of course if that’s the case, am I willing to go through the cycle again when it inevitably returns, and honestly, I don’t know.

[Radcliff]

Yes, the cycles will likely continue.  Your point about her wanting you to be the bad guy struck a chord with me, as I often thought my ex was trying to goad me into leaving her so she didn't have to make a tough decision.  Ironically, while I was focused on her behavior, I overlooked the fact that I am responsible for my own tough decisions. 

Can you tell us more about what made you post after a two year gap?  What brought you here again?  Tell us more about what's happening and how you're feeling.

RC