How do I set boundaries with my bpd mother

[wmm]

I can't take the drama with my mother anymore. It makes it hard for me to succeed in the rest of my life. I want to set boundaries and distance my relationship. I don't know how to do it without my mother getting really upset. I tried to distance myself before and she got mad at me for not being more open with her. She's also an alcoholic and is binge drinking lately which is a trigger for me. I'm afraid that I'll lose other family members too if I cut her off because my parents are still together and my siblings still have a relationship with my mother.

[GaGrl]

Welcome, wmm! We are glad that you found your way to us, even though the reason behind it is stressful. We are a community with many members who have experienced situations with a BPD parent that are similar to yours, and we can offer and support.

Can you provide a little more info? That could help us better help you.

What is your relationship like with your father and siblings?

What seems to trigger your mother most?

Is your mother diagnosed with BPD or another condition? Is she seeing a therapist or doctor?

What role do you see her binge drinking playing right now? Has anyone else in your family acknowledged that the drinking is problematic? Does anyone think she is alcoholic?

Sorry for all the questions, but it will give us fuller picture of what you are up against.

Gagrl

[wmm]

I am very close to my younger sister who lives in a different city. She has a better relationship with my mom because she studied DBT. My older sister is a half sister on my dad's side so she isn't as close with my mother and has her own difficulties with her. My brother can have explosive emotions, such as anger, like my mother and might be developing BPD. He is 8 years younger than me and we are not very close. We do text each other every once in a while. My father and I get along. He is introverted and spends a lot of his time reading at the library. He has vented to me many times about how hard it is to deal with my mother but he won't leave her because he wants to stay in his home and he's worried that my mother would drink herself to death if he did.

My mother is in a program for addicts right now to treat her alcoholism so she is diagnosed as an alcoholic. I got along with her a lot better when she was abstinent for a couple of months. She has now gone back to harm reduction, which didn't work well last time. She can't control it and she gets really angry or depressed when she gets drunk. Just seeing her with a glass of wine brings back traumatic memories of her being drunk when I was a child.

I am going back to post-secondary school and it is very hard for me to concentrate on my studies when she gets mad at me or gets out of control in general (i.e. binge drinking). I feel like I need to take a break from communicating with her while I am at least in school. I'm afraid to do it because I know she'll get very angry and her moods scare me. I also don't want to be disconnected from the rest of my family.

[wmm]

My mother is diagnosed with bipolar disorder and a family therapist diagnosed her with bpd but she is in denial about it. She does see a therapist, but another one who only knows her side of the story and doesn't address it.

[Harri]

Hi wmm.  I want to join Gagrl in welcoming you to he board. 

You are not alone in this as you will see as you settle in here and read and post more.   We can support you as you decide how you want to proceed in your relationship with your family in general and your mom specifically.  Having an addiction on top of an underlying personality disorder and possible biPolar is a lot to deal with for everyone.

You mentioned your sister took DBT.  Did she take it to help her with her own issues?  Is that something you would consider doing?  A lot of our members here have learned DBT skills and we offer a lot of them in our tools section as they help anyone, not just those with BPD.

Are you currently living with your mom or are you able to get some physical distance from her? 

I want to set boundaries and distance my relationship. I don't know how to do it without my mother getting really upset.

I am not it will be possible to set boundaries without having your mom get upset.  There are ways of talking about things that can help keep things calmer though.  anytime we change things in terms of how we interact, there will be tension and often there is pushback as our pwBPD (person with BPD) will try to get everything to go back to what they consider normal and stable.  It is something that you can expect to happen and can plan accordingly in terms of taking care of you and any stress and anxiety you have surrounding setting boundaries with your family.

I am wondering how your sister was able to do this and if there were problems with other family members when she did so?

I hope to hear more from you. 

Again,

[wmm]

You mentioned your sister took DBT.  Did she take it to help her with her own issues?  Is that something you would consider doing?

[wmm]

I don't know how to get an excerpt of what someone is saying.

My sister took it when she was diagnosed with psychosis associated trauma affected by her bipolar disorder (she is stable now). I was looking for a class for my ptsd because I heard it can help with that too but I can't find anything. I live in Toronto, Canada. Does anyone know of some online options or live close and know of some locations? There is one place called CAMH but it's a 1 yr commitment during the day and I don't have that time.

[wmm]

I can be super codependent with my mother and I call her a lot when am having a problem if we are getting along. I know I need to stop doing that. I have a fear of abandonment though and I only have my partner to talk to. I don't want to put everything on him and overwhelm him. I'm afraid that I'm not going to be able to cope when I'm not able to talk to her anymore but I know it's for the best. I'm just really nervous.

[pursuingJoy]

wmm, welcome! I have kids your age and it hurts my heart to hear what you've endured. It sounds like DBT has been really helpful for your sister.  Hopefully the folks here have some online resources for you!

I'm not an expert, just a fellow traveler, but I did read somewhere about the importance of preparedness and proper timing for any kind of relationship shift. Right now you're spending time reading, learning, talking, prepping. You're gathering tools so that you know what to do when the time is right. Provided you're safe, you don't have to make any decisions until you're ready to make them. Until then, set small goals, keep sharing your story and read the tools on this site.

I had to figure out the excerpt thing too. Check out the instructions on this link:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=319252


 

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome, wmm! 

You've come to a great spot to find listening hearts and ears. We are an online family who will support you, give you a place to belong, and we will help you to work through what we can. I can tell you are in a place of seeking answers and understanding, and that is such a great place to be! 

It is definitely tough to set up boundaries. I know when I first began the journey to healing from my own uBPDm and my childhood, I could hardly fathom the idea, although I knew I needed to begin learning about boundaries. You may not realize it, but you probably already do have some boundaries in place! Ponder on that thought and maybe ask others close to you about it in case you struggle to come up with some. I suggest the idea of looking to see where you are already because we each need encouragement to feel less guilt. Having a pwBPD certainly loads the burden of guilt pretty heavily upon us, and what else could we learn as we tried to survive growing up? It's okay wherever you are. We are all right there with you. 


I'd like to suggest two great and very helpful books for you to read if you are interested.
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist and
Surviving a Borderline Parent

I am finishing up the Caretaking book at the moment, and it has been life changing and revealing for me. The Surviving book was also life changing in helping me to not feel alone and is very validating. Let me know if you read them!

Wools