Overwhelmed with emotions about my mother

[wmm]

I've literally been sick to my stomach because I am so upset. I had a planned conversation with my mother yesterday to resolve an argument that we'd had two days before. I talked to my therapist before talking to her, read Stop Walking on Eggshells in two days and typed out the points I wanted to say. I meant to stand up for myself and create boundaries but I didn't really. I ended up apologizing for talking about her with my sister. She said that she wasn't mad about that. She said she was sick of me acting like the victim, blaming her for all of my problems and she thought that I treated her like the scapegoat. She was very cold at the beginning. I didn't tell her that the way she talked me hurt my feelings. She said she wanted me to be more open with her and that she could take it (I don't think she can and my dad agrees with me). I told her I would try but that it would take time. We ended up talking for over an hour about lighter stuff. I originally wanted to state my point, resolve the problem and then end the conversation. I'm so dissapointed in myself that I wasn't able to do that and now she thinks that we're going to have a more open and closer relationship when I actually want the opposite. My therapist told me to stop making excuses to avoid her (i.e. saying I'm sick) and just tell her I didn't want to see her. She wants me to go to a cottage that she rented for a whole week and I only want to go for the weekend so that my partner will be there to support me and I will have a vehicle to leave if things get bad. I'd prefer not to go at all but she's celebrating her 65th birthday that weekend. I registered for a 4 day program for that week mostly so that I would have an excuse not to go for the whole week. I told her about that instead of being direct and telling her I just didn't want to go like my therapist told me to do. I also made an excuse that I was really busy today so that she wouldn't call me like she wanted to. I'm really disappointed in myself for not being direct with her and doing the opposite of setting boundaries. I feel so overwhelmed and scared of eventually not making excuses up and just tell her no. My partner tries to support me but he doesn't understand the situation. I feel so alone. I'm letting her control me and make me miserable mentally, which is so much worse for me than it is for her. I wish I could just get over everything and stop thinking about it.

[Kwamina]

Hi wmm

How are you feeling now?

Change takes time, especially when you're changing behavioral patterns that have been in place for many many years already. Perhaps another way of viewing what happened, is to consider it a learning experience. How does that sound to you?

You had a plan, that's good. The execution might not have been what you had hoped for, but that is something you can work on.

Looking back at the conversation, what is it that you think you could have handled differently? What kind of alternative responses can you think up of that would have better helped you assert yourself and set boundaries?

I feel so overwhelmed and scared of eventually not making excuses up and just tell her no.

What is it that you fear most? Can you identify and describe the thoughts and scenarios going through your mind when you think about setting boundaries with your mother?

The Board Parrot

[wmm]

I'm calmer but I've been trying to distract myself so that i don't think about her. Thinking about her and the sound of her voice makes me anxious. If I had said what I wanted to, I would have told her that I wasn't going to have a closer relationship.with her and that I wouldn't be more open with her (that's what she wanted). I just agreed with what she wanted so that she wouldn't get mad. The sound of her voice really triggers me to scary memories of my childhood when she would get mad and puts me into flight mode. I imagine her banging on my apartment door demanding to talk to me. I could block her number but she still knows where I live and passes messages on through my sister. I know that's extreme.

[Harri]

No.

A two letter word that can be deceptively complex and so difficult to say.  We get it here.     

It sounds like you were unable to manage the fear and anxiety about saying no and changing things up with your mom.  We get that too.   

The sound of her voice really triggers me to scary memories of my childhood when she would get mad and puts me into flight mode.

This is difficult to work through yet it can be done.  It takes time and a willingness to take small risks at a time and to learn some distress tolerance skills.  Self-talk was/is a big one for me.  Saying to myself that I was not the helpless defenseless child with no power any longer was a very helpful reminder.  Can you think of anything you can say to yourself over and over if necessary to help you through the panic?

Sometimes I found I was feeding the anxiety and the emotional flashbacks with the self talk I used and how I avoided even thinking about certain things. 

I am wondering if it would be easier to start with setting limits with your sister when she starts passing messages from your mom?  Saying no gets easier with practice.