New here- need help with coping

[Panda89]

Hi all, I am reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and found this site. I am 29 and a child of a mother with BPD. It’s affected me greatly my entire life but more recently as of late as I navigate home ownership and moving to a new city by myself. My mom had me at 16 and never really seemed to “grow up.” I was 7 and 11 years apart from my siblings and cleaned, cooked, and homeschooled us all. I was that straight A student, OCD cleaner, everything had to be perfect for my mom. It was never enough but I tried. My mom did not physically abuse me but the verbal abuse was bad. I thought that my life was normal until I saw others receiving support and love from their mothers. My mom now stays in bed 24/7 with a new enabler husband she met online. She verbally attacks from her cell phone, only ever checking in to ask baiting questions. Baiting questions to confirm her suspicions that everyone is against her. It’s so entirely long to write every example and I know you all must have felt that way to. I almost feel I must list every example to be believed and understood. But I hope this forum understands. We have all been there. I started re reading the book tonight because recently my mom had a rage episode, an iPhone text that would be about 20 pages calling me evil, manipulative, her worst enemy, a horrible person, a horrible child, that I had a mental disorder (sound familiar projection?) etc. The reason for this latest attack? I helped transfer my late grandmothers inheritance to my 19 year old sisters bank account. My poor sister still lives with her and has the brunt of it all. The guilt to not leave, the control of my mother to not work out, not allowed to get a job or drivers license. No bank account or money of her own. I’ve tried very hard to help my sister but she is definitely more brainwashed than I was. Anyways, when I transferred the money my mom had a feeling I had done so and questioned my sister until she gave in and told my mom I helped. This validated my mother’s feelings and paranoia all these years that the whole family is out to get her and lies and keeps things from her. To be honest it’s partially true, we have lately because she causes us to walk on eggshells or be fearful of her reactions. To make a long story short, I’m really just looking to see and hear others stories so I don’t feel guilty for having cut my mom out of my life due to repeatedly having her degrade me and cut me out of hers only for her to return months later like nothing  happened.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Panda89, 

I'm so glad that you have joined our online family, and we can definitely relate to your story! You are not alone.

The verbal abuse is so very hard to handle. I felt it was so destructive to my siblings and I when we grew up with an uBPDm. It takes some work and a journey to overcome and work through the effects. I'm so glad you have been reading SWOE! That's been a very helpful book to so many of us here.

Isn't it interesting how we had to be such overachievers to be able to juggle our mom's emotions and the rest of the responsibilities as we grew up? We learned to parentify, and it was pretty much a survival technique. I'm glad that you are now away from home, but sorry for all the verbal abuse that continues. Do you feel your sister will be pressured by your mom to allow her to access that money?

Keep posting and please feel free to share more! We are good listeners.

Have you had any T (therapy, counseling)? Is BPD a new discovery for you?

 
Wools

[Panda39]

Hi Panda89,

Welcome to the site 

You are most definitely not alone.  I'm on these boards because my Partner has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife and they share 2 daughters.  D22 has been no contact with her mom since 2015 and D18 is low contact (mostly text messaging, some phone calls and a very occasional lunch...usually on D18's dime  ).

Both daughters have had incidents with their mother that pushed them away from her for their own protection.  D22 was sent to College with the promise that mom would pay for tuition minus financial aid/grants/scholarships.  Mom failed to pay and D22 (because she was an adult 18 and the student) was held liable for that tuition.  Her mom put her in debt to the tune of $15,000.  It was a huge betrayal, mom has not tried to make amends, so D22 has not forgiven her. 

D18 has been diagnosed with PTSD.  Her mother makes promises, and then pulls the rug out over and over again.  The inconsistency, and the lies have been really hard on D18.  When D18 was younger mom sent her out of state to summer camp.  Only there was no summer camp, she sent D18 to the parents of a friend of hers with the promise that the money for camp was on it's way.  D18 was told not to tell her dad what was going on.  We thought she was at camp until on day 4 the lady D18 was staying with started to worry and had her call dad.  D18 had been sent to camp on a one way ticket to no where.  There was no money for camp, she had gone the previous year and her mother also had not paid for that year, their was no return plane ticket.  It took dad, her uncle and her grandfather to arrange to get her home.  She was 14 and had already been diagnosed with PTSD...who does this stuff?  Their mom that always wanted to be the hero without the executive control in her brain to stop herself from these decisions.  She felt it/thought it therefore in her mind it was.  But in the real world there are consequences for this type of magical thinking.  And sadly that has been the relationship with her daughters.

D22 like you was parentified, she was her mother and younger sister's caretaker, and I also have felt like my Partner's ex is somehow stuck in a state of arrested development somewhere around age 15.  My Partner and I have been together 9 years and his ex has a set pattern of behaviors that she repeats over and over again, never seeming to learn from mistakes...perpetually stuck.

I hope you have found "Stop Walking on Eggshells" helpful.  I know it is a complicated thing when the person in your life with BPD/BPD traits is your mom.  I found it helped to create some understanding of what I was seeing and helped me see patterns of behavior through the chaos.

I'm glad you've joined us and love your name!

Take Care,
Panda39

[BabySister]

Welcome, Panda 89! 

It sounds like you are off to a great start with coping.This is a great forum and it helped me so much this past year. Stop Walking on Eggshells is a great book! Reading, journaling and talking with others or posting are 3 of the most powerful activities that help me sort my feelings out.

My mom had me at 16 and never really seemed to “grow up.”

I’m on this board mostly for my BPD brother who lives with my mother, however my mother definitely has some kind of mental illness herself. I was discussing with a friend just how childish my mother is. She says things to get an emotional rise/response from me, as that’s likely the only way she knows how to communicate. I was explaining how angry I get when mother does these things. My friend suggested to try and manage those feelings and instead, feel sorry for where my mother is at. That she’s that immature.

Verbal abuse can be subtle. After years and years you may not even realize when it’s even happening. I’m working hard to get off the Drama Triangle https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108384.0 and not engage or try to save my mom. I am working on just listening to my mother. Not getting ramped up or enraged when she talks. I don’t have to solve things for her.

I almost feel I must list every example to be believed and understood.

I completely relate to that statement. I would doubt my own feelings all the time (sometimes still do). When your feelings are ignored and you’re told who you are, what you do, etc. it becomes difficult to know who you acutally are and how you really feel! Once you start gaining a better insight into yourself and get some distance from the toxic people in your life, you will start to trust yourself and your feelings more.

I’m really just looking to see and hear others stories so I don’t feel guilty for having cut my mom out of my life due to repeatedly having her degrade me and cut me out of hers only for her to return months later like nothing happened.

For me it’s been decades of abuse. I’ve always been asked to sweep my feelings under the rug and make up with my brother after he’s nasty text ranted me scathing insults and personal attacks. This is my original thread here if you want to check it out https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=326136.0

I’m so done with acting like nothing happened. I started attending a family group for persons with family members with mental illness. I took a 12 week class from NAMI to learn more about mental illness and how to relate, what my goals are with my BPDB. I’ve started setting boundaries and trying to not feel bad about or question it. I’ve been learning to deal with my mothers verbal attacks and guilt when she attempts to get me to reach back out to my brother.

Keep posting! I look forward to chatting more.