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Author Topic: Most Unbelievable Gaslighting Incident  (Read 456 times)
ColdKnight
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« on: August 12, 2019, 04:32:15 AM »

What is the most outrageous/unbelievable gaslighting incident someone with BPD has pulled on you and how did you handle it and how did they respond.

Here’s mine:

Last month on a Saturday morning I asked  my uBPDgf if I could see her on Monday. She said she would check her schedule and get back to me. She also asked me to send her a pic of what I was doing later on in the day. I don’t know why, maybe to prove to her I wasn’t with another woman. She sent me a innocuous pic of her makeup bag a few hours later (???)

Full disclosure......I didn’t send her a pic that day. Ill be honest. I was listening to a dating coach who said to “pull back and be mysterious. Make her wonder what you are doing” I know, I know...games...but I was feeling like I had been clingy so I was trying to pull back a bit.

Monday eve rolls around and nothing from her so I send:
Evening...

Her:
No sugar, you don’t get to ignore my calls all weekend and then text me at 9pm when I thought I was seeing you today. I have to get up early. Night

I had absolutely no missed calls from her so I texted:
“Uhm I have zero missed calls from you all weekend. Nice try though.” ok, a bit smart A** I know but i was mad. I knew she was lying and I was getting fed up with this behavior.

The next morning she sent me a pic of her call log that showed three missed calls with my name next to them from Saturday morning Sunday evening. Of course she didn’t leave a message with any of these calls. She actually went in and faked the call log to make it look like she had tried to call me three times. It’s very easy to do on an IPhone. If Bob called you nine times on Sunday all you have to do is go into your contacts and change Bob’s name to Bill and it will look like Bill called nine times. Snap a pic, sent the pic and change Bill back to Bob.

Problem was is she isn’t smart enough to realize the one of the calls she attached my name to was inbound.  Now I couldn’t  100 percent say she didn’t try to call me three times (yea I could but you know what I mean) But I know for a fact and half that I NEVER called her once in that time.

I didn’t call her out on it right then but we got into an argument a few days later and I brought it up. She raged, calling me pathetic for accusing her of such a disgusting lie.


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gizmo7247

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« Reply #1 on: August 12, 2019, 02:07:43 PM »

A few months before the end - we're talking on the phone. She accuses me of never trying to "build a bridge" or be friendly with her best friend. (her best friend and I had issues because of triangulation on my exwBPD's part). Anyways...

So I list off a number of things I've done to "build the bridge", including submitting her best friend's other friends resumes where I work, and going out of my way for her best friend on several occasions.

After listing them off - my ex suddenly says, "I never accused you of not trying to build a bridge with her."

I mean...I was obviously shocked. When I challenged her on what she had literally just accused me of, or asked her why I would be listing off things I'd done for her friend if she hadn't made that accusation - she devolved into, "you're crazy," "you're insane," "you're making things up."

This goes on for 30 minutes or so, then finally she says, "well I guess we'll find out, because I recorded this whole conversation." Unreal.

Next day she calls me and says, "So I listened to the recording, I did accuse you of not trying to be her friend." that was it. no apology, no self-reflection, nothing.

In her efforts to prove that I was some type of abusive liar, she ended up only proving that she was in fact the one making things up. The complete meltdown and discard wasn't far after that - a few months.

Best part - I ran into her best friend a few months after we broke up at a work conference. Had one of the best conversations I've ever had with them, we never talked about my ex, and we got along splendidly. Amazing how well we got along when my ex wasn't using her as a triangulation outlet.

Good times.
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ColdKnight
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« Reply #2 on: August 12, 2019, 02:45:30 PM »

Amazing......I wonder what goes on in their head when confronted with obvious gaslighting.

Here is another one. This one is not quite as easy to prove because it is based on her feelings.

She texted me one evening after she hadn’t heard from me in a day and a half. Again I was trying to give space because I felt she dumped me the first time for being needy.

Anyway she texted “i don’t like this”
I called her right away and she said she didn’t like not hearing back from me. I invited her over and she came over and spent the night. She was acting kind of distant. After she left I sent her a text saying I miss you already. She responded and we texted a few times the next couple of days. One of the texts I sent that evening was. “Wish you were here.”

My last text of the night was. “You said you wanted to go to the fair. Do you still want to go?” That was at 9pm and she didn’t respond until 230 the next day “I don’t think so. I don’t feel super  wanted, nor do I feel like my presence is very wanted. I know your not doing it intentionally but it still hurts.”

Looking back I think she was setting me up for the second discard. I believe she already had my replacement lined up. Two days later the silent treatment began.......

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« Reply #3 on: August 12, 2019, 03:27:23 PM »

There were so many incidents, but probably the biggest is one that I didn't even realize until well into months of no contact.

He always said that I was the one who had broken up with him multiple times.  Fifteen was the number he used, but I don't know exactly how he arrived at that number.  I believed it, that I had broken up with him 15 times.

After a few months of no contact and some therapy and talking with friends, I realized that he was actually the initiator of those breakups, and I had simply agreed to leave the relationship at his request.

For instance, on 2 separate occasions, he came to me and said that he needed to be with someone he could have a child with.  He knew very well that even if I wanted to get pregnant, I couldn't - physically impossible. Knowing this and reminding him of this and acknowledging that I would respect his perfectly valid human need to be a father... I wished him all the best and happiness finding a woman who could give him that.

He called that me breaking up with him, and I conceded that it was.  In fact, that was very much him breaking up with me, and I was simply attempting to gracefully and lovingly free him.

All the 15 breakups (or however many there were) went like that.  He made an impossible request, and I conceded that I couldn't fulfill it.  He made me believe that was me breaking up with him.
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ColdKnight
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« Reply #4 on: August 12, 2019, 06:21:12 PM »

Yes always making it your fault.....

The last night with my ex she told me she “needed me to need her”  Had I shown her I needed her this would have given her the perfect reason to back away as I was smothering her(trigger engulfment). If I didn’t then she might feel like I didn’t care (trigger abandonment).

She had the perfect out either way
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« Reply #5 on: August 12, 2019, 08:30:38 PM »

How is this for gaslighting:  for a couple weeks she actually kept accusing me of gaslighting her, whenever I'd question one of her accusations ("you don't love me enough," "you must be in love with someone at work," or "you'll never stand with your wife, you always side with someone else")...

I suspected she read the term on some self-help relationship, or pop psychology message board.  I had to go look it up because I was so confused and had never heard the term before.

Her: "I don't feel close to you."
Me: "what?  I thought everything was fine.  We just had dinner and talked for an hour!"
her: "STOP GASLIGHTING ME!"

Her:  "I called your office today and you didn't answer.  SOMETHING I SHOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT?"
Me: "I was in a meeting.  I called you back right after." 
Her: "IT WAS AN HOUR LATER, STOP GASLIGHTING ME,"

She eventually ordered the old movie the term comes from (Gaslight, 1944) and left it sitting in the DVD player one night when I came home from work late and she was already asleep.

I guess so I'd watch it and stop "gaslighting" her?

I remember thinking... "It sure seems like you're gaslighting ME!"
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« Reply #6 on: August 13, 2019, 02:29:59 AM »

I just watched it on Amazon Prime.

BRILLIANT!

Although the antagonist is sociopathic narcissist and not a pwBPD all the classic tactics are there: triangulation, push/pull, trauma bonding and of course the movies name sake.

Watching this man systematically tear down his wife’s confidence and psyche is nothing less than chilling.

The poor woman begs to get that sweet loving partner that she fell in love with back. He holds it like candy over her head.

It is a perfect study in control and manipulation. The movie was made in 1944 and I believe still holds up.

Well worth the watch!
« Last Edit: August 13, 2019, 02:36:36 AM by ColdKnight » Logged

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« Reply #7 on: August 13, 2019, 03:54:49 PM »

Thinking about this topic a little more, I realize the behavior I experienced might not qualify as true gaslighting.  Gaslighting comes with intent, and I'm not 100% sure that my ex actually had intent.  He may very well have been gaslighting himself as much as me.
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« Reply #8 on: August 13, 2019, 09:01:08 PM »

Thinking about this topic a little more, I realize the behavior I experienced might not qualify as true gaslighting.  Gaslighting comes with intent, and I'm not 100% sure that my ex actually had intent.  He may very well have been gaslighting himself as much as me.

I could swear there was a thread on here about this term, and a number of posters said they discouraged the use of it here because it was imprecise (didn't really describe what pwBPD do), and newcomers to the site had no idea what it meant. 
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ColdKnight
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« Reply #9 on: August 14, 2019, 03:49:30 AM »

I tend to agree, especially after watching the movie, the term gaslighting seems to imply an intended act or omission.

That being said I don’t think most pwBPD do it intentionally. At least from what I have researched. Narcissists yes, but generally not pwBPD. Would you agree?

A persons perception in generally their reality unless they can see logic that indicates otherwise. We do it as Non’s all the the time but usually we allow logic to temper our emotion. Our SO doesn’t greet us as warmly as we expected, uh oh they don’t love us anymore. We can usually quickly bring this back under control with logic and reason.

As I understand it a pwBPD has trouble controlling their emotions and are always running on high alert. If they perceive the exact same slight, they have a much harder time of bringing their emotions back down into reality. Their perception is their reality and their response (what we call gaslighting) is not an intentional act but what they truly perceive as reality.
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« Reply #10 on: August 14, 2019, 03:57:18 AM »


Full disclosure......I didn’t send her a pic that day. Ill be honest. I was listening to a dating coach who said to “pull back and be mysterious. Make her wonder what you are doing” I know, I know...games...but I was feeling like I had been clingy so I was trying to pull back a bit.


On a separate note can I just say from my experience that the information & suggestions from dating coaches do not apply to people with BPD. The coaches normally teach you to hold back a bit, create mystery & not be as needy etc. This does work with someone with BPD very well but too well! All it does is set off their fear of abandonment & you'll suffer for days after.

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« Reply #11 on: August 14, 2019, 04:27:55 AM »

I agree and I still feel bad for doing this. This was my second go around with her. The first time she left me I had no knowledge of BPD and felt I had smothered her.

This time I was pretty sure she was a pwBPD so I tried to be as re assuring as I could. She became upset after she wanted to see me one night and I couldn’t. She gave me the silent treatment for a week. Each day I would send a re affirmation message. “I’m still here” etc. very loving and supporting messages and nothing. When she did resurface I felt like such a needy clingy stalker.

The incident I described at the opening of this thread was about two months later and I was so confused as what to do my head was spinning.

Here is what I ultimately think happened. She was expecting the picture. When she didn’t get it her anxiety started to spin up.
She probably wanted to call but was getting more and more upset.

When I did text a day and a half later she fired off based on emotion and in the heat of the moment lied about calling. When I challenged her on it she was backed into a corner because I was basically calling her a liar. Her only way out in her emotional state was to fabricate the call log rather than admit she lied.

I am not excusing her lying but I do understand if that is what happened.

I do wonder what would have happened if I had sent her the pic she asked for.

I am still confused as to what she wants. Too much, too little it’s such a delicate balance. I now admit that I am not man enough to handle it. I had to get out.

 I miss her
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« Reply #12 on: August 14, 2019, 04:55:31 AM »

I agree and I still feel bad for doing this. This was my second go around with her. The first time she left me I had no knowledge of BPD and felt I had smothered her.

This time I was pretty sure she was a pwBPD so I tried to be as re assuring as I could. She became upset after she wanted to see me one night and I couldn’t. She gave me the silent treatment for a week. Each day I would send a re affirmation message. “I’m still here” etc. very loving and supporting messages and nothing. When she did resurface I felt like such a needy clingy stalker.

The incident I described at the opening of this thread was about two months later and I was so confused as what to do my head was spinning.

Here is what I ultimately think happened. She was expecting the picture. When she didn’t get it her anxiety started to spin up.
She probably wanted to call but was getting more and more upset.

When I did text a day and a half later she fired off based on emotion and in the heat of the moment lied about calling. When I challenged her on it she was backed into a corner because I was basically calling her a liar. Her only way out in her emotional state was to fabricate the call log rather than admit she lied.

I am not excusing her lying but I do understand if that is what happened.

I do wonder what would have happened if I had sent her the pic she asked for.

I am still confused as to what she wants. Too much, too little it’s such a delicate balance. I now admit that I am not man enough to handle it. I had to get out.

 I miss her

Sound very similar to the things I went through. I will give you an example of what often happened.

We would normally see each other every Friday. I would text her a few hours before we were supposed to meet. She would often text back & say something like "I cant come tonight I do not feel well". Because I have been brought up to be an understanding guy I would text back with something like "awwwwwww baby so get some rest & we will see each other another time". I would then receive a text something like this "Oh so you are not even bothered that we can't see each other? You don't even care". Now if I had of texted her something different like "Please baby please please come & see me" I would have been accused of not been understanding or suffocating her.

You can not & never will win!

My now ex broke up with me 30 times in just over 2 years. Each time she apologised & said it wouldn't happen again. She constantly accused me of talking to other women, I was told that this was projection & she was more than likely talking to guys behind my back. I chose to ignore this.

I have recently got back in contact with my ex because I hoped she had changed. She is dating someone else & flirting with me sexually over email! I now see that this is what she was more than likely doing behind my back.

It's got nothing to do with been man enough. You shouldn't have to put up with this dysfunctional toxic crap! Getting out & staying out is been man enough. Trust me you are doing the right thing. 
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« Reply #13 on: August 14, 2019, 10:46:28 AM »

I tend to agree, especially after watching the movie, the term gaslighting seems to imply an intended act or omission.

That being said I don’t think most pwBPD do it intentionally. At least from what I have researched. Narcissists yes, but generally not pwBPD. Would you agree?

A persons perception in generally their reality unless they can see logic that indicates otherwise. We do it as Non’s all the the time but usually we allow logic to temper our emotion. Our SO doesn’t greet us as warmly as we expected, uh oh they don’t love us anymore. We can usually quickly bring this back under control with logic and reason.

As I understand it a pwBPD has trouble controlling their emotions and are always running on high alert. If they perceive the exact same slight, they have a much harder time of bringing their emotions back down into reality. Their perception is their reality and their response (what we call gaslighting) is not an intentional act but what they truly perceive as reality.


I supposed based on the definition of  BPD, yes, there's not an INTENT to be high conflict... they just can't control their reactions.

In my own case though, having shared my story here and elsewhere, some people have told me my XW was not only BPD, but possibly also NPD, as she exhibited the ability to engage in pre-meditated fights and conflict, and also frequently lost her temper and picked fights over minor, spur-of-the-moment things.  One person even said that they've had BPD family members, but my wife's actions were beyond the sort of disordered behavior they had experienced, and showed a malevolent and cruel intent.

Constantly telling me I'm "gaslighting" her, then emotionally leaving the movie out where she knows I'll find it is intentional behavior in my opinion. 

I have two illustrative examples, both related to my cell phone:

1) Premeditated; gaslighting? - XW, acting odd, claims the cleaning lady has a problem with her phone and needs to use mine to text her husband.  I say OK.

XW proceeds to look through MY phone, and gets enraged that I haven't sent pictures of her to my mom, claiming I know my mom hates her and this shows I'm on my mom's side.  Reason and discussion out of the question at this point, and she's screaming at me and angry for the rest if the day. 

this was all... out of the blue.  My mom hadn't visited, or called, or even been a topic of discussion for some time when she did this.

And of course, she never actually gave my phone to the cleaning lady to call her H.  it was all a cheap ruse to attack me!

2) spontaneous, lack of control, BPD?  - it was a Wednesday afternoon; I had come home from work so we could take our oldest son for some school testing to get into an accelerated program.  he passed!  Happy time, right?

back at the house briefly, my phone dinged (work email) and I looked at it.  It was 1 PM on a Wednesday... work hours!

she got enraged and demanded to see my phone.  I told her it was just work email, but she wasn't listening, and proceeded to follow me to the door screaming about how she can't trust me, then slammed the door in my face. 

So I can kinda see both intentional and unintentional conduct there.
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« Reply #14 on: August 14, 2019, 01:20:24 PM »

Excerpt
I could swear there was a thread on here about this term, and a number of posters said they discouraged the use of it here because it was imprecise (didn't really describe what pwBPD do), and newcomers to the site had no idea what it meant.  

while the term has entered into the general lexicon much more in recent years, you will still find many variations on its definition on the internet or from members here.

heres an example, from a reputable site:

Excerpt
Examples of gaslighting include companies that advertise addictive products to children, politicians who scapegoat entire groups to divide the community, media talking heads who espouse hate to gain notoriety, executives who exploit employees for profitability, and relational abusers who blame their victims for victimization.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201908/8-ways-gaslighters-manipulate-and-control-relationships

does this even fit most of our understandings of the common usage? does this mean that tony the tiger and joe camel are gaslighting us?

the movie/play is about a relationship scam, if i recall correctly. the antagonist is after the womans jewels and cons her into a relationship. relationship scams do happen (see "catfishing"), but realistically, is that what any of us here are talking about?

most of the time when i read someone use the term, it would more clearly be described as something like:

a circular argument
lying
pathological lying
two people with two different versions of events
black and white, all or nothing, over the top expressions (common to BPD)
deflecting
the kind of "amnesia" we all saw when our exes were in a dysregulated state
its often used more liberally to describe any kind of disagreement

we all know exactly what those things mean. they are clear. slang terms/pop psych/internet jargon terms generally obscure more than help explain.

as it pertains to BPD psychology: people with BPD traits are highly impulsive (not planners), have limited executive functioning, relationship and coping skills (they generally are not psychological masterminds), and are prone to all or nothing thinking, blame, and distorted thinking, especially when dysregulated.
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« Reply #15 on: August 15, 2019, 02:55:42 AM »

My understanding of gaslighting as it pertains the BPD/NPD behavior is the specific manipulation of the facts or situation in order to make one doubt their own perception of the facts.
This is why the term came from the movie of the same name.

The protagonist doesn’t “gaslight” her to woo her. He does it to drive her insane. He makes her disbelieve her reality. He starts off very subtlety with little comments and actions. He gives her his mother’s broach to wear and then tells her she is prone to losing things.

She instantly dismisses his comment  this but you can she she questions herself. The broach will not fasten so I puts it in her purse so it will be safe until he can get it fixed. He does not put it in her purse however and slips it onto his pocket. Later she looks for it and believes she has lost it thereby validating the comment he made to her earlier.

Later he adjusts the “gaslights” causing them to dim. For those very young folks out there in the late 1800’s houses were actually plumed with gas outlets before light bulbs. The ignited gas was the source of light. The dimming of the gaslights causes her to further question her sanity as she seems to be the only one to notice it.

So the term has nothing to do with “cat fishing” to hook someone in a relationship. He already had her hooked he was now driving her insane or.........”crazy making”

Lying on its own is not gaslighting because you can lie to cover your tracks and keep a secret from someone without intent to drive them crazy. If I lie to you and tell you I was late getting home because I had car trouble and you have no way of verifying that then that is not gaslighting.

Suppose I tell you we are having friends over for dinner at 8pm. You show up and everyone has been seated since 7pm. I am angry because I said 7 but you swore I said 8. Now you are questioning your reality. Well maybe he did say 7. Why else would dinner be ready and guests here. That Is gaslighting, if done purposely.

As someone pointed out and I agree, pwBPD don’t usually do this sort of thing purposely but a pwNPD will. We do know that some pwBPD have NPD tendencies so it’s possible I suppose?

Sooooooo did my uBPDxf gaslight me when she changed her call log to make it look like she called me three times when I know for a fact she did not as my phone had no missed calls?
I simply don’t know. She obviously did it intentionally but was it to escape a lie or to make me second guess my reality?

I will never know.......but I miss her.....



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« Reply #16 on: August 15, 2019, 08:13:07 AM »

I could go both ways... in the examples I gave a couple posts above, my XW was clearly lying intentionally, i.e. she thought up a pretense and then used it to do something else (attack me).

putting a DVD in the player, leaving the tray out and the case nearby and then going to bed?  premeditated, in my opinion. 

Could also be she was just disordered all day, her brain stewing in paranoid thoughts and fears, and almost unconsciously left the DVD out before going to bed?  I suppose.

She always used to blame her parents and upbringing for her behavior; but  they never seemed to me to be as nasty and unloving as she made them out to be.  They clearly loved her, even if they weren't particularly warm. 

Someone once suggested that the only consistent thing in all her stories is that she's not responsible for her actions. 

I think pwBPD can -are? -  also just generally rotten.

At it's essence it's emotionally manipulative, no?  A basic lack of personal accountability.  they fear abandonment, but instead of working on themselves and getting help and learning to love themselves for who they are, they make this everyone around them's problem. and put the burden of their own happiness on those around them.  and they do this by any means necessary, without regard for anyone else's sanity, feelings, health, or time. 
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« Reply #17 on: August 15, 2019, 01:50:50 PM »

I generally like the use of plan English words when working through these relationships postmortems. These relationships are so complex, we don't need to add lingo and terminology that is more about judgment of the person than about clarity of the situation. When someone says they were hoovered, gaslighted, ghosted it could mean any one of many things... all we for sure is that it is a putdown.

I've read through all you posts and I my sense of all of this is that the issue in the relationship was a lot about her very significant insecurities and her using withdrawal as a defense mechanism, and you over reacting to it (either with JADE, or telling her off, or withdrawing yourself). There was some games played by both.

Decision 1: It sounds like, underneath the outrage, you would like to reconnect with her. Why not start there? Does it make sense for you to reconnect? Do you think you two could make this relationship work? You probably want to talk through what happened to see if this is a go ahead or go away situation.

Decisions 2: She my or may not be up for reconnecting, but the breakup is new and there is certainly a chance. How would you change your approach if you try again? Nothing changes without changes.

Lastly, do you think you over justified, argued, over defended, and over explained JADE)?
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.msg1363817#msg1363817

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« Reply #18 on: August 16, 2019, 03:30:06 AM »

Hi Skip,

Thanks for reading all my posts. Yes, I did my share of game playing. I was caught between advice of dating coaches and what I had been reading about BPD. The dating coaches all said when they pull away you pull away. Some of the info I read on BPD said you MUST over communicate with them and always reassure them. Other advice said that pwBPD HATE being chased. I was so confused at this point.

At the start of this second try I swore I would not over pursue and not trigger engulfment. So I pulled back and kept texting to a minimum. I always tried to set up getting together when she reached out. It was always so hard to get her to commit to seeing each other.

One night she texted asking what I was doing (she told me later she wanted me to come over and have sex with her) I was with a friend so she dropped the issue. Two days later I asked if I hurt her feelings that night. She gave me the silent treatment for 5 days all the while I tried to reassure her by sending one
text a day.

And yes...underneath the outrage I would like to reconnect with her. When I called her in April and asked her to get back together with her I told her that I didn’t need a lot. I just wanted to see her every now and then. I just wanted her in my life other than just friends. I even told her she could see other people if she wanted but I said if she was going to then so was I.

After that we had a couple talks (actually I did most of the talking, I always felt like I was puking up my feelings). I told her time and time again. All I really need is for you to communicate. If you need space tell me. If you changed your mind and don’t want to see me tonight tell me. If you are mad at me, if I hurt your feelings tell me. If you want to see me, tell me.

 I was trying to give her space yet making it clear that I always wanted to see her if I could.

She always seemed to push towards a relationship. She would constantly send me pics of her daughter or them together. Almost as to say “we are a package deal”. However it seemed whenever I told her I was willing to do a relationship it would turn her off.

So do I think this relationship could work? Yes but only if she is willing to communicate. Tell me what she needs. I wonder if that makes her feel needy. She told me once when we first ran into problems our first go around “I feel like when I’m not in control I’m drowning”

 I will be honest....I am not the easiest person to control.

I even told her in the last blast out text. “If you really care about this guy, communicate with him. You don’t like communicating?  Too bad LEARN if you care. You obviously didn’t care enough about me to communicate” I know....harsh but I was fed up.

She has to communicate and stop the silent treatment. That is the god awful worst. I can work with just about anything except stonewalling.  

PS as far as JADE in did a little but of that but she never really accused me of anything. She would just go dark and silent.
« Last Edit: August 16, 2019, 03:35:21 AM by ColdKnight » Logged

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« Reply #19 on: August 19, 2019, 06:17:28 AM »

Reading through your post, the thought occurred to me that you just gave her a roadmap on how to control you: selectively give you the communication you asked for.

You ask her to communicate better?  Good luck with that. 

of course according to standard relationship guides, you're doing the right thing by stating a request not a demand or a criticism.  But all those rules go out the window when you're dealing with a disordered person. 
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« Reply #20 on: August 19, 2019, 08:43:44 AM »

I agree. I did give her a roadmap on how to control me.

I came to the conclusion the other day that if she communicated with me then she could not control me.

Suppose she said this “you hurt my feelings by waiting too long to text me back. I need some time to myself after this to forgive you. I’ll text you when I’m ready to talk and not mad anymore”

If she did this then it would alleviate all the anxiety that comes from the silent treatment. I would understand what she is going through and would be ok not hearing from her for a while.

 I am of the belief now that communicating with me means no silent treatment which means no anxiety which means no control. She knows if she communicates she can’t control. That is her only form of control.

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« Reply #21 on: August 19, 2019, 02:54:37 PM »

I agree. I did give her a roadmap on how to control me.

I came to the conclusion the other day that if she communicated with me then she could not control me.

Suppose she said this “you hurt my feelings by waiting too long to text me back. I need some time to myself after this to forgive you. I’ll text you when I’m ready to talk and not mad anymore”

If she did this then it would alleviate all the anxiety that comes from the silent treatment. I would understand what she is going through and would be ok not hearing from her for a while.

 I am of the belief now that communicating with me means no silent treatment which means no anxiety which means no control. She knows if she communicates she can’t control. That is her only form of control.



Eh... that's one way to look at it, I suppose.

In my experience though, you saying "here's what is important to me" in her mind translates to "Here's what I can use to control him."

obviously if she's not physically around, "control" is a moot point. 

But if she's around you, whenever she feels "triggered," she'll result to silent treatment - i.e. withdrawing communication - to control you.  Again if you're just talking on the phone, who cares.  But if you're spending time in person, or in situations where you're stuck with her due to physical or social constraints (for example, at dinner with friends, or on a trip) now you're forced to deal with her lack of communication, unless you're willing to call her bluff and just ditch her there.

and if "physically leaving her presence" is the only way you can effectively communicate with her, consider what kind of r/s you have together.   
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« Reply #22 on: August 19, 2019, 07:40:44 PM »

She never gives me the silent treatment when we are together. When we get together things are great. We have a good time.

It’s when we are apart that the problem creeps in. Something will trigger her and she will stop answering texts or take a long time answering.

But it really doesn’t matter anymore. I have cut the cord for good.

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« Reply #23 on: August 20, 2019, 09:57:30 PM »

She never gives me the silent treatment when we are together. When we get together things are great. We have a good time.

It’s when we are apart that the problem creeps in. Something will trigger her and she will stop answering texts or take a long time answering.

But it really doesn’t matter anymore. I have cut the cord for good.


Good! 
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