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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: 1 year NC, still somewhat terrified  (Read 162 times)
oofheregoes
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« on: August 05, 2019, 10:54:47 PM »

Hi - this is my first post on here.
I feel a bit silly that i’m still somewhat terrified. I haven’t responded in a little over a year - but I received a text and email I didn’t answer.

I had been looking forward to my ex graduating and no longer needing to go to campus, which is near my T and new partner’s office. I just found out that instead my ex got a job at the university a block or two away from my new partner’s office.

My first idea of what to do was to disguise myself when I was in the area. I thought of it as a cloak of invisibility- a superhero’s cape. My friends told me “not to have to hide myself” and “don’t give them that power.” But i’m terrified. I’m terrified of running into them, I’m terrified of them being reminded of me. I want them to forget I exist all together and not recognize me at all.

I think that if I knew they would have no way of knowing it was me, I would be fine. Instead I’m wearing clothes they wouldn’t recognize, in styles I like, but don’t usually wear, with massive sunglasses and a hat that droops over as much of my head that doesn’t look super weird, so that I don’t have a panic attack.

Is anyone else still struggling with the trauma after so long? (Is a year actually a long time?) I want my life back.
« Last Edit: August 05, 2019, 11:00:46 PM by oofheregoes » Logged
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« Reply #1 on: August 05, 2019, 11:24:34 PM »

hi oofheregoes, and Welcome

what is it youre afraid of happening?
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« Reply #2 on: August 06, 2019, 04:06:25 PM »

Have the same struggles. It's coming and going. Exactly feeling the same way bro!
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oofheregoes
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« Reply #3 on: August 20, 2019, 06:49:46 AM »

I think what I’m scared of is that I thought I could protect myself, but I had no idea how much damage they were causing. They lied so much and so freely that while in some ways I could immediately point out (or not and find out more revealing information), in other ways especially what they said about me and our relationship to other people - I was totally unaware of how much they were causing damage to my life and my other relationships.

Also, same idea, but they lied to me about things that were massive dealbreakers to me. Which resulted in me agreeing to do so many, large sacrificing things, without enough information to make a decisions for myself and my life with informed consent. I would never have done SO many things and feel like those sacrifices I made were, I guess stolen from me, instead of freely given. And I’m still on edge and scare of that happening in the future, either by them, or by someone else I shouldn’t be trusting, because I couldn’t see it coming. I was on the lookout and still couldn’t do anything to protect myself.

 I thought I was safe when I wasn’t, or at least thought I was proceeding with care and caution and informed risk, when I wasn’t. Who’s to say they aren’t still causing damage, or that they wouldn’t if someone (or seeing me) reminded them of me. Or how do I know that other relationships that I trust aren’t going to be incredibly damaging, where I only find out or figure it out after it’s too late?
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« Reply #4 on: August 20, 2019, 01:04:11 PM »

i can understand that. in the aftermath of my breakup, i had a lot of fear about what my ex might do as well.

Excerpt
Or how do I know that other relationships that I trust aren’t going to be incredibly damaging, where I only find out or figure it out after it’s too late?

i think i know what you mean here. i had a lot of bad breakups in my life, and i started to question not only my judgment, but if i even had any real control over what happened to me. i think to that end, that fear is often about distrust in oneself. the good news is i learned a lot here, about myself, about other people. it builds a strength and confidence that can make you fearless in life and in love.

it sounds like this relationship was a painful one for you. what happened?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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