Was this a ploy to reel me in?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I was with my ex for 2 years. During this time, she broke up with me at least once per month. At first, I was devasted but then towards the end it became almost normal, but it still hurt. The break ups were over stupid things & nothing major. I knew her for a total of 10 years & at the beginning I was needy & soft. I would do things for her that other self-respecting people wouldn’t do. She often commented that this was the reason she like me as I was soft & never going anywhere when things got tough. Throughout our relationship there was verbal abuse, always accusing me of cheating or talking to other women, she needed my constant attention even when I was at work on a construction site. I finally had enough & set boundaries. I said if she broke up with me one more time over something pathetic then it was over for good. She called this manipulative. She broke up with me for the last time at the end of last year. She tried charming me back about 5 times but I managed to go NC. I have no idea if she had BPD but a few people have mentioned that her erratic behaviour could be a good indication.  

I went no contact & blocked her on Facebook, Snapchat & Instagram but I forgot about one particular site. She changed her profile pic on this  site to her & her new boyfriend after she had discovered I had been looking on her profile. On this particular social media platform, you receive an email when someone has been looking at your profile & I believe this is why she changed it to her & her boyfriend as a way to cause me to react. When I saw it, I caved in & messaged her & broke NC after almost 10 months.

I messaged her wishing her all the best with her new boyfriend. I guess I was hoping she would talk to me again & she may have changed. I did feel a little jealous as he was holding the woman I loved & cared for so much. She replied after a day & we chatted for a bit. She then deleted her account & I panicked & emailed her saying that I hoped I hadn’t caused any issues with her & her boyfriend. She said I hadn’t, but I had really upset her contacting her again. She said it was ok & she understood that her changing her profile pic had probably upset me which indicated to me she knew what she was doing. She said she only changed it as a way to tell me to leave her alone. But surely all she had to do was ignore me or delete her account like she did in the end anyway if that’s what she wanted. I believe she did it just to get me to react & it worked.
We emailed for a bit & the conversation turned into telling me about my faults. She said she was upset that I ignored her when she broke up with me & I said I had to because the relationship was toxic & she was forever breaking up with me. She managed to turn it around & say she only broke up with me all the time because she was silly & thought that I didn’t love her.

She emailed me again saying that we could just be friends. I didn’t reply & the next day I received another email saying that she was glad we broke up because she had now met this wonderful man. She went on to list all the good things about him which was quite a long list. She said that It was her last message. I stupidly replied again & I said that I don’t think her new boyfriend would be happy with us talking. She replied & said that he knows about the messages & he understands. This I do not believe.

[magic78]

I was with my ex for 2 years. During this time, she broke up with me at least once per month. At first, I was devasted but then towards the end it became almost normal, but it still hurt. The break ups were over stupid things & nothing major. I knew her for a total of 10 years & at the beginning I was needy & soft. I would do things for her that other self-respecting people wouldn’t do. She often commented that this was the reason she like me as I was soft & never going anywhere when things got tough. Throughout our relationship there was verbal abuse, always accusing me of cheating or talking to other women, she needed my constant attention even when I was at work on a construction site. I finally had enough & set boundaries. I said if she broke up with me one more time over something pathetic then it was over for good. She called this manipulative. She broke up with me for the last time at the end of last year. She tried charming me back about 5 times but I managed to go NC. I have no idea if she had BPD but a few people have mentioned that her erratic behaviour could be a good indication.  

I went no contact & blocked her on Facebook, Snapchat & Instagram but I forgot about one particular site. She changed her profile pic on this  site to her & her new boyfriend after she had discovered I had been looking on her profile. On this particular social media platform, you receive an email when someone has been looking at your profile & I believe this is why she changed it to her & her boyfriend as a way to cause me to react. When I saw it, I caved in & messaged her & broke NC after almost 10 months.

I messaged her wishing her all the best with her new boyfriend. I guess I was hoping she would talk to me again & she may have changed. I did feel a little jealous as he was holding the woman I loved & cared for so much. She replied after a day & we chatted for a bit. She then deleted her account & I panicked & emailed her saying that I hoped I hadn’t caused any issues with her & her boyfriend. She said I hadn’t, but I had really upset her contacting her again. She said it was ok & she understood that her changing her profile pic had probably upset me which indicated to me she knew what she was doing. She said she only changed it as a way to tell me to leave her alone. But surely all she had to do was ignore me or delete her account like she did in the end anyway if that’s what she wanted. I believe she did it just to get me to react & it worked.
We emailed for a bit & the conversation turned into telling me about my faults. She said she was upset that I ignored her when she broke up with me & I said I had to because the relationship was toxic & she was forever breaking up with me. She managed to turn it around & say she only broke up with me all the time because she was silly & thought that I didn’t love her.

She emailed me again saying that we could just be friends. I didn’t reply & the next day I received another email saying that she was glad we broke up because she had now met this wonderful man. She went on to list all the good things about him which was quite a long list. She said that It was her last message. I stupidly replied again & I said that I don’t think her new boyfriend would be happy with us talking. She replied & said that he knows about the messages & he understands. This I do not believe.

[Longterm]

Hi magic78.

Welcome to the family, sorry you are going through this right now.

I share similarities with you in regards to the NC. I managed 14mths until she slowly broke me down and I really do understand how having contact after so long can cause so many issues in regards to your feelings. I feel that we should respect our gut instincts because we do know the behavioural patterns of our exes very well and if you feel like she changed the picture to get you to contact then I'm inclined to agree with you.

It's very difficult when you are faced with the reality that nothing has really changed and I also agree that the new bf probably is unaware of the contact you two have had. She has more than likely become bored of him so is testing the waters to see if you'll bite, and you bit.

What are your thoughts moving forward? Do you think you would like to remain in touch or do you think returning to NC would be the better choice?

What have you done since NC? Have you been in therapy?

LT.

[magic78]

Hi magic78.

Welcome to the family, sorry you are going through this right now.

I share similarities with you in regards to the NC. I managed 14mths until she slowly broke me down and I really do understand how having contact after so long can cause so many issues in regards to your feelings. I feel that we should respect our gut instincts because we do know the behavioural patterns of our exes very well and if you feel like she changed the picture to get you to contact then I'm inclined to agree with you.

It's very difficult when you are faced with the reality that nothing has really changed and I also agree that the new bf probably is unaware of the contact you two have had. She has more than likely become bored of him so is testing the waters to see if you'll bite, and you bit.

What are your thoughts moving forward? Do you think you would like to remain in touch or do you think returning to NC would be the better choice?

What have you done since NC? Have you been in therapy?

LT.

I have struggled for almost a year with the what if's. What if it was my fault she broke up with me at least once per month. What if I wasn't as understanding as I could have been. What if it was her childhood that made her behave this way. I tried all sorts to convince myself that she wasn't to blame until I couldn't any more. I gave her chance after chance but she ever changed. The insults really got to me & lowered my already low self esteem. Telling me she had to be drunk to have sex with me destroyed my confidence.

I snooped on her social media for a few months & she had everything set to public knowing I was looking. She was previously a very private person. She was flirting & posting provocative pics. I couldn't move on with me life. I was consumed by thoughts of her & constantly checking social media.

I broke NC because I secretly wanted her to contact me. It is a battle of heart & mind. I wanted to be with her but the good parts & not the bad. I missed her a lot. I hoped she would contact me & say sorry & she may have changed for the better. So I broke NC but as soon as I did it I felt very unsure & weary. It was like my gut instinct was telling me I had done something very wrong.

I watched her strike up the relationship with this new guy on Social media. It was if she was auditioning men for my replacement.  This guy appeared to be very soft & timid. There were times where she had belittled him & he let her. I do believe that this guy was a quick replacement & I do believe that he is too nice & she will be more than likely bored of him as you say.

My gut feeling is to go NC again which so far I have done. I cannot see how any good could come of anything else. I wanted to try & be friends but I am not so sure. I am a lot stronger than I was years ago & I have healthy boundaries now. My life is a lot busier than it was & I am hoping to meet someone else in the future. I have spoken to a few women & I am always on edge expecting them to hound me for replies or give me sarcastic text messages but they don't & it feels strange.

I had 8 sessions of therapy which uncovered some childhood trauma & codependancy. It did help a lot & is one reason why I was able to stick to some boundaries I set out in the final stages of our relationship.

It still hurts like hell because I want her but not the heartache & walking on egg shells that came with it.

[Skip]

Q: Was this a ploy to reel me in?

Was your checking out her social media a ploy to reel her in?
Was her posting a photo of a man a ploy to reel you in?
Was your contacting her and wishing her well with her new bf a ploy to reel her in?
Was her contacting you telling you your faults a ploy to reel you in?

Indirectly and then directly, you initiated contact and she took punches at both... first posting the boyfriends photo, then telling you your faults. I don't think this is how someone would reel someone in.

It sounds like you sent up a probe and then got into a joust with her... and you both re-lived a microcosm of the breakup.

It still hurts like hell because I want her but not the heartache & walking on egg shells that came with it.

I think many of us suffered with this. She is a highly emotional being. You love when the emotions are positive and pointed at you. You hate it when the inverse occurs, and she points her negative emotions at you.

Too good to leave. Too bad to stay.

Thats what makes these relationships hard... there is no clear path.

[magic78]

Yeah I see where you are coming from. I did want her to contact me because I hoped she had changed. I guess she then took the chance to try & hurt me or keep me around.

So, from you as a person looking at the bigger picture. Am I to blame here? I still find it hard to understand whether it was me who was to blame for the full toxic relationship. The 30 odd break up were always said to be my fault. But in our last email exchanges she apologised for those & said she was just been silly. She said I was cold, unaffectionate & I was soft but didn't show it in the right way.

But, I cant excuse the verbal abuse & the way she made me feel calling me some hurtful names plus the constant need for attention & the arguments which followed if I didn't instantly reply to a text. The constant accusations of cheating, looking through my phone & finding nothing. I had a list of maybe 30 to 40 red flags that I noticed throughout the relationship.

When we broke up originally for the last time she told me a close family member had a terminal illness & this was all fabricated.

I am just so confused. I am no longer able to decide whether it was all in my head & it was just me who wasn't the best boyfriend. This is why I  initiated the contact again because I wondered if she might have changed but then when she started with her old ways like not been able to wait for me to reply & trying to hurt me by telling me all the qualities of her new boyfriend which was like an indirect way of telling me I wasn't any of those then I could see she hadn't changed.

I don't know any more to be honest.

[Skip]

There is a lot to unpack here an I encourage you to work with everyone - take the time. After some self work, and some careful courting (and some mistakes), I have a strong and dependable relationship. You had the 8 therapy sessions, you started the work... stay with it (keep working through this).

Was it you? Was it her?  I mean your last communications with her shows that she could be impulsive, inappropriate, hurtful, and couldn't constructively handle you spying her social media/emailing her. But then again, you were spying on her social media.  Many of us do that, but people find it violating. We find it violating. You both could have handled the situation better. Conversations both ways were not at all sincere or authentic.

Was it you? Was it her?  She broke up monthly. Sounds from her comment (I was upset you didn't contact me after we broke up) that breaking up was a way for her to communicate with you. That is pretty dysfunctional... when that happens, things typically don't end well.

Maybe the question isn't about fault at all... it sis very possible that she sees it as mostly you and you see it as mostly her. The truth is in the middle somewhere - how reliable was she in assessing things?  How constructively did she handle problems? Breaking up every month to be "heard" is not healthy stuff.

How does knowing that she is with another guy make you feel? Does that close this chapter in your life? Or are you still interested?

[magic78]

There is a lot to unpack here an I encourage you to work with everyone - take the time. After some self work, and some careful courting (and some mistakes), I have a strong and dependable relationship. You had the 8 therapy sessions, you started the work... stay with it (keep working through this).

Was it you? Was it her?  I mean your last communications with her shows that she could be impulsive, inappropriate, hurtful, and couldn't constructively handle you spying her social media/emailing her. But then again, you were spying on her social media.  Many of us do that, but people find it violating. We find it violating. You both could have handled the situation better. Conversations both ways were not at all sincere or authentic.

Was it you? Was it her?  She broke up monthly. Sounds from her comment (I was upset you didn't contact me after we broke up) that breaking up was a way for her to communicate with you. That is pretty dysfunctional... when that happens, things typically don't end well.

Maybe the question isn't about fault at all... it sis very possible that she sees it as mostly you and you see it as mostly her. The truth is in the middle somewhere - how reliable was she in assessing things?  How constructively did she handle problems? Breaking up every month to be "heard" is not healthy stuff.

How does knowing that she is with another guy make you feel? Does that close this chapter in your life? Or are you still interested?

I accept that no one is perfect & the way I conducted myself throughout the relationship could sometimes have been better. In the beginning I was extremely needy & she seemed to like this. She would use this against me. I did things for her that I shouldn't have done such as look for jobs & if she didn't get one it was all my fault & never hers. Every time I refused to do something she would start stonewalling me, dropping kisses off texts, one word answers & then deny anything was wrong. She used to verbally abuse me however this did get slightly better. She would say things like "you know where the door is" if I ever told her I didn't appreciate her verbal abuse.

There are a lot of things that when on, more than I could list here but by the end of the relationship I felt like I couldn't do right for doing wrong. She would purposely fabricate things to see how I would react. For instance if she couldn't see me because she was poorly she would text me & say something along the lines of "sorry baby cant see you tonight I don't feel well". Because I am understanding I would react according to my nature & say something like "awwwwww honey I was looking forward to seeing you but you rest & we will do it some other time". This would just make her mad & she would say something like "see you're not even bothered". Then she would say she felt better & we would see each other.

I work full time & I had to be in constant contact with her. If I wasn't I would be accused of chatting to women. I never did but she showed me conversations she had with guys which she had started. He phone was always off when we would meet. I never accused her though. She would check my phone then be upset that she couldn't find anything. She was in & out of work & towards the end she couldn't find anything which made it even more difficult as she had more time on her hand to text me. Sometimes I physically couldn't use my phone due to the nature of my job. It would of been dangerous & I explained this to her nicely numerous times but every time I didn't answer within 5 minutes I would get loads of texts calling me ignorant or question marks. 

She took pride in telling people about what she thought were their bad points & this included me. When we broke up once she really insulted me calling me repulsive & she felt sick sleeping with me. She once thought it was amusing that even though she had broken up with me that I still asked her to come on holiday with me. She said that next time I should aim lower as she was above me. All these things chipped away at my confidence. I always told her that I loved her & she was beautiful. I helped her with so many things which she did acknowledge in one of her emails. I was there 24/7. If I ever fell asleep without wishing her good night I would be greeted with a nasty text in the morning. She loved arguing at night when I had work the next day. I never ever said a cruel word to her. I only once called her something that was slightly nasty & she would bring this up time after time but it was ok for her to tell me to f**k off or call me a p**k or wan*er. Sometimes my cell provider network went down & my texts didnt go through. I had to screen shot the texts to prove that I had sent them & she would then accuse me of photo shopping them. I found myslef having 

By the end of the relationship my self esteem was really low. I never knew when she was going to break up with me & because of this I wouldn't commit any further which made her worse. I did find myself wanting to end the relationship towards the end. It was just draining me. She always threatened me with just been friends. So if I did something she didn't like such as for instance burp, or maybe I was putting on a bit of weight, she would say do that again & we will just be friends. I ended up spending hours posting questions on various forums & this is where a lot of people suggested that she may have BPD or NPD. I did think NPD because she did have a sense of grandiosity. She had no friends because they all were jealous of her apparently. She was forever arguing with her Mom & Dad over silly things. She had a young Son who I met a couple of times & he would call people moron etc. It was all just a mess!

To answer your question about how do I feel about her dating. I have mixed feelings. I am happy for her & I am happy that it sort of closes it for me however, I still miss her because we did know each other a lot of years so I guess it is natural. We went on holiday each year so we have some fond memories. We were planing on having children etc until I realised it may not be the best idea. She has moved on but I cant at the moment. I am forever seeing red flags in women now & it puts me off. I still think that this new guy is just a rebound as I saw her insult him quite bad & he took it so he looks to be softer than I was.I just hope she is ok as she mentioned that when we first broke up she felt like ending it.

Sorry for the long post I just feel lost. I know I am slightly codependant which didn't help the situation but I just find myself unable to process things that went on.

[Starfire]

Is it helpful at this point to lay blame?  Blame = guilt and guilt is a big trigger in the BPD world.  Best to avoid it all together when one can find some other more productive way to move forward.

It sounds like you achieved a lot of growth during the relationship. You are more self-aware than before.  You understand the importance of boundaries where before you didn't.  You recognize situations in which you can choose less hurtful behaviors and words.  Rather than focus on who is to blame, perhaps focus on all the meaningful lessons learned and how you can apply those in future relationships?

[Skip]

Rather than focus on who is to blame, perhaps focus on all the meaningful lessons learned and how you can apply those in future relationships?

Great advice.

I learned so much about myself and about human nature in my recovery that it has truly changed my life. I have a much better partner now, and more importantly, I am a much better partner than I was before and much more satisfied in my relationship.