Is there a happy medium in terms of financial support

[Grandbpsupport]

Our Grandaughter has recently been diagnosed. She lives Overseas which makes things worse in some ways. She ended up in a crisis situation recently and came home to us for a safe haven. She had also been anxious and emotional but within  days we were experiencing mega dramas and could see that she was drinking too much ,maybe taking pills and hiding ( and lying ) about her drinking
Before she had come home we had been helping her financially with rent and other support because she had an accident (broken finger) and had lost her job .
We were not aware of the drinking / substance abuse when we were supporting her .
She has returned to her mothers house and we are paying for her treatment . She is adamant that she is not drinking or abusing pills ( possibly because she is embarrassed) but based on our recent experience we cannot believe this.

She does not yet have a job and the employment situation is difficult where she lives . Should we give her a small “pocket money” allowance until she gets a job to possibly discourage her from more desperate and dangerous measures she might take to get money ( stealing or selling her medication or worse )
In our country she would get a social welfare allowance even if living in the family home . Apparently that does not apply in Australia
If and when she gets a job we will not have any control over how she spends her money

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello GrandBPDparent
Welcome to the group. I am glad you are here and sorry for the circumstances. You are asking a very important question about finances. Many of us struggle with the same thing. I think it might be a good idea to attach some conditions to your support. For example, she has to stay in treatment, avoid drugs and alcohol, interview for jobs etc. If not, reduce or stop the money flow. I would not recommend acting out of fear that she might do something desperate. That just makes you a hostage to her bad behavior. She probably won't take responsibility unless she has to so make it so she has to. I am curious. What do her parents have to say about this? Do they expect you to keep funding their daughter indefinitely regardless of her behavior or will they support you in setting limits? We are all with you. Share as you feel comfortable.
Hugs
Faith

[Grandbpsupport]

Thanks for the quick response .and the helpful advice about setting conditions around any financial support
Her mother is of opinion that any cash support will discourage her from getting a job so that’s an extra complication
I appreciate that structure and routine are important but I don’t think a job ( financial independence) is the primary objective at this stage .
She had been “attending” College up to recently as afar as we know and a return to College might also provide a degree of structure and routine
Unfortunately it’s hard to keep track at this distance and DD is very good at disguising her ‘ bad behaviour’ ...she was adamant that she was not drinking when she was with us but we know for  sure that it was not true ( we found the empty ‘stolen’ bottles of vodka when she left )
I don’t have a problem with a few drinks per se but when it gets out of hand and especially when it is being hidden it suggests to me that there is a pain/ shame cycle going on
It raises another question though ...will BPD therapy work at all before she deals with her substance abuse ?

[FaithHopeLove]

So you and her parents are not on the same page when it comes to financial support? Do you think you can resolve that? Regarding your question about whether or not therapy is effective when there is active addiction, I think the answer is yes and know. My son has both BPD and drug addiction. So far he has not agreed to treatment but he is in jail now for a serious crime so he may well be forced into treatment at some point, perhaps as a condition of probation. If so he will be in a comprehensive residential program that will involve both substance abuse treatment and BPD treatment. The professionals we have talked to who deal in dual diagnoses cases tell us that  it can be very hard to treat a personality disorder while a person is still actively using. That does not mean one has to wait until after completing substance abuse treatment in order to begin something like DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy, the gold standard of BPD treatment) Both can happen at the same time. The important thing is the substance abuse has to be addressed. I agree with you that if she is hiding empty liquor bottles and you have reason to think she is also self medicating with some sort of pills that there is cause for concern.