First post. Scared but glad to be here

[tati]

Hi. I’m new...Glad to have a place to go. Too much crazy for so long, and so much anxiety and stress. Exhausted.

Married, With a ten y/o child.

I’m not even sure it’s BPD, hesitant to label...but seems likely. He also has complex ptsd from childhood traumas. In my own CBT therapy now, which has given me strength...but my levels of anxiety and anger at his endless cycling over much of 15 yr marriage, esp last four years,  have taken their toll.

Any words of hope and strength are appreciated.
Tati

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

We're sorry you're in a tough place, but are glad you've found us.  You are not alone.  This is a great place to come for support, as well as to learn coping strategies.  Can you tell us more about the sources of pain and conflict that are occurring day-to-day?

RC

[tati]

Thank you ... my sources of pain and conflict are all related to him seeing himself as a victim, unloved and rejected, who has no power to change or weather anything, from small life annoyances to conflicts with work/school peers and authority figures.

He overeats bad foods to quell his pain which helps but only temporarily and then contributes to lifelong weight issues and extreme bad body image.. Has abused alcohol in past but not now, that comes and goes.

We have good days with his seeming buoyant and happy and then one event, sometimes challenging but often seeming small (to my eyes) May set him off and can spin him downward into cycles from days on end. Impulsive spending on occasion, constant avoidant behavior like being online to deal with his life responsibilities. Largely a loving and present parent to daughter but if he feels rejected because of any of her words, choices, he can shut her out too. Yet he always comes back to a place of strong and affirming love with her, and will always respond to her needs; this will only take a day, and they are back to normal. Whereas he can ice me out with silent treatment for days on end, or hurtful texts that imply things are over, don’t contact me, etc. and he almost never acknowledges or apologizes for hurtful words and actions.

More than a few years ago when the cycling started, I began to withdraw emotionally and physically, because I realized I just couldn’t trust him at all, and I need that to be warm, gentle, and intimate. I was hopeful something could change I guess, but in denial about how bad it had gotten.

He uses the fact I’m not demonstrative as evidence that he has been abandoned by me; it is one sided; he sees only that I am choosing to be undemonstrative, not understanding or caring why. I have tried to gently point out the connection relating to my not trusting and that I see was probably a mistake because it’s rational argument.

But I cannot even relax around him nevermind want to be physically close. I don’t feel loved, understood, or cared for in a way that he has shown in the past as long as it relates to my work or issues separate from him. I feel his illness is selfish and because he can acknowledge mistakes or make it up with daughter after their conflicts that he targets me as weak, and deserving of his coldness. He doesn’t seem seem bothered by the distress it causes me.

As mentioned in first post, I’m working in my own CBT therapy to try and develop better ways of coping and processing events so that I can be more at peace and also ensure I don’t contribute to his negative cycling. And identifying my own triggers from my own past. Overall I’m a peacemaker by personality and at work, and avoid conflict at all costs...

Thanks for listening.

 

[Radcliff]

Thanks for giving us such a good picture of where you are.  I'm sorry for all the pain you're experiencing.  There is good news in there -- how he shows love to your daughter, and how he's shown it to you in the past.  But the weight of everything else certainly sounds heavy.

We've had other members describe their pwBPD as being better with the kids than with their spouses.  Try to look at it not as selfishness (although it certainly feels that way, I understand), but rather that they're able to overcome their relationship disability better with their kids than with their spouses.

It's good that you're in your own therapy -- it sounds like it's giving you some good insights and tools.  Coming here is also a good source of support in addition to therapy.  

It took years to get here, and will take a while to get things on a better track.  But there are opportunities for some improvement sooner rather than later.  Can you give us an example, with some details, of a recent interaction with him that left you feeling bad?

RC