wounded and worn out. Plz help

[bellatarr]

I was with my non-diagnosed pwBPD girlfriend (now ex...I believe) for almost a year. Just ended...or so it appears. It was my second relationship w/ a BPD girlfriend.
The first was the real deal- even told me on our first date. That was 9 years ago. That one had all the traditional trademarks; Lying, impulsive, manipulative, tragic, dark...always the victim, very sexually active, cut herself at a young age. This new one snuck into my life. Met her on social media - but it was 4 months before she actually messaged me. When she did, it was benign and harmless, then turned flirty, and by our 4th date we were intimate.

She lived an hour and a half away, but family had a summer home near me, so we hung out a lot when she was down near me. She always scoffed at me coming up to visit her in her home town- which I thought was odd. But there were many red flags for sure; she was 46, lived at home with elderly parents; couldn't hold down a job; never married. Very dark...hopeless...loss of self. Never answered the phone. Her voicemail was ALWAYS full...even to this day. She always played the victim. She was obsessed with her health. She had ADHD; would spend hours online looking up things. She was very attractive, articulate, very smart, very alluring and very creative.  But, she played me for a fool. I was hooked very fast.

Intoxicated by her beauty, the sex, the allure, the mystery. But she was full of secrets, and never revealed much. When she did, she told me of her bout of cancer (10 years remission), she told me of how people had smeared her name in an industry where she couldn't get work. She told me she was victim of sex abuse in the same industry ( more than 10 years ago)
She also told me she was seeing a therapist, but would not tell me what she was being treated for. In the beginning- she would text flirty texts, then I would respond, then she would disappear for hours. This always hurt. I would take it personally.

The first six months were good- but tricky. When we were in person on dates, things were almost always good. When she went back home- the games started. She would carefully manipulate me on the phone. There were also times when she would basically disappear...texting "I needed a hiatus"...like  she was taking a time out. A friend I know that knows her for a little while longer than I, said she was like that when he met her. No job, trying to figure out her life, her next move, unhappy at home. 
 
We did have one big falling out last summer, but I was able to get her back. She made me feel like I had done her wrong. Truth was, I was beatup by her antics even back then. I would send her flowers, would text her poems, felt very romantic with her. But I felt like I was doing all the work. And she basically wanted me too. All of the dates were planned by me. It's almost if I hadn't done a thing...this relationship would not come to fruition. I DID EVERYTHING. She just existed.


The last 6 months were brutal. She held down a job, but nothing arduous, and she ended up quitting. She would complain about the job, about her boss, and say her boss was "manipulating her".  Yikes!  Then she started accusing me of lying, would tell me things like I can follow your photos ( that I would text to her) via Metadata- and insisted I was lying all the time, when I never lied once.

The fights then started to get bad- her mood swings were more prevalent. She would go hot to cold in a matter of minutes. She would talk over me, hang up on me,  had me thinking I was the one in the wrong, had me thinking I was going crazy. The outbursts in the last 6 months of the relationship, made me feel like I was with a totally different person. I even conveyed this to her once.

 I would trace back our texts, and finally I had to store the texts off my phone. As it got deeper, I always felt like I had one foot in the door, one out. There were numerous times when I felt like bailing out, wrote up emails that were never sent.  I knew it was toxic, but never left. We had another falling out last Christmas, then we got back together. The abuse continued. One night in NYC, she started a fight over something so small- so benign, it was almost childish. She was yelling so loud, the bellhop had to knock on our door. I basically kicked her out, but then we talked it through, and the entire next day she apologized for treating me so poorly. But it didn't end there.

We would only see each other once a month- this was the pattern,  but during the spring would talk almost daily. So, making our way towards this summer, she again accused me of lying on several occasions, but couldn't cite about what I was actually lying about. She would also write long elaborate emails- verbal diarrhea of how I'm to blame. I know this post has gone on and on, but I really need you people, I really need support, and I really need closure.

So, last saw her in June. Before I saw her, she told me she needed space. When I saw her- we were intimate, but it was lacking. Later that week, during an argument on the phone- I broke it off with her. I simply couldn't handle it anymore. Nothing was good enough for her. She criticized me, my job, basically everything I did. Some of our later conversations felt more like interrogations, than that of a couple actually talking. Not much laughter...not much happiness. The last time I saw her was June 22nd. We met for lunch. Spent five hours together. We talked about working things out; respecting each others boundaries; Trying to reset and start fresh. During those five hours, we held hands, we kissed (not making out), and it felt like we hadn't broken up at all.
After that- a week later, there was another argument over something very stupid on the phone, and again it seemed like she wanted to push me to an argument- provoke me, so I hung up on her. She had a three week trip planned with the family from late July into August. She called me twice from the plane before she went overseas. She told me she was going to miss me. I told her the same.

 During her trip abroad, she texted, sent photos. Twice,  told me she missed me "miss u- see you soon". I of course told her I missed her as well. So she gets back last week, "too tired to talk", then I tried to call the next day. I know some of this is going to sound stupid, but here it goes. The next night, out of the blue, she clicked "heart" on a photo of us on FB. Two hours later, she removed the heart. Later on, I tried to call her, she didn't answer. Early that morning, she removed several hearts on texts that I sent her - and it notified me on my iPhone. When I questioned her about this via text, she basically ignored it, said "we'll talk soon". Mind boggling.

So I go out of town last weekend, and out of the blue- she blocks me on FB & my phone number. No explanation whatsoever. Can anyone help me out here? I had blocked her in the past- after fights, sort of to protect myself, but then we would work it out. I haven't heard from her in a week, and I assume it's over. It hurts, but boy was it ever toxic. At least my previous Borderline- I knew she had it, and read everything I could on the topic. This one has me thinking she has BPD...but different from the first.

I do see a Psychologist & a Psychiatrist. I have told them everything I have told you, and then some. Both have told me she appears to have BPD, and to stay very far away. My Psychiatrist has told me this pattern will never end, and she will never change.

I can go more into specifics it anyone needs more info. Does this sound like pwBPD to everyone out there?  Any and all help would be greatly appreciated.
Thnx again for taking the time to read. I am worn out. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry to hear that you're so worn out.  How we help you has a lot to do with where you want to go.  Are you interested in saving the relationship, moving on, or are you feeling undecided?

RC

[bellatarr]

Radcliff, does it need sound like pwBPD to you? I guess whatever it is, its her and not me. I don't know how much solace I can take in that...however I know I tried very, very hard to make it work. I believe something that is this toxic isn't worth salvaging, and if it was salvageable, it would probably not last very long. What are your overall thoughts? I'm mostly stunned ( although I shouldn't be), that she reached out to me when she was in Ireland, that she told me she missed me- wanted to see me, then without warning, completely blocks me...I guess this is called discarding. Very confused. All thoughts are welcome. Thank you for responding.

[Radcliff]

It could be BPD, though whether it is or isn't is not the important thing.  What matters is that it felt unhealthy to you, and you made a choice about the relationship.  You said, "I guess whatever it is, it's her and not me."  It certainly may be the case that she brought a lot of unhealthy behavior into the relationship, and you made the decision that was right for you.  But a relationship dynamic involves two people.  This is the second BPD relationship you've been in.  Do you have any thoughts on that?

RC

[bellatarr]

Do I have any thoughts on it? Of course I do. However at this moment of need, at this moment of confusion; at this moment of distress and utter disappointment...do you really think it's the appropriate time for me to go back over my two horrific relationships with a fine tooth comb? No, I'll save that for the counseling sessions, and let my voice be heard here...for hopefully supportive people. I asked a simple question. As an outsider, does this sound like someone with BPD to you? That's all I need to know. This is fresh, like a week old.  A wound that is still bleeding, and everyday I am fighting with it and with myself looking for answers and hopefully closure. 

[Radcliff]

Got it.  Thanks for helping us to understand better what you need right now.  It's impossible to say with certainty whether someone has BPD, but a lot of the things you describe are the kinds of things other members experience.  It sounds like an exhausting and turbulent relationship.  Having your reality questioned can be utterly confusing and disturbing in a way nobody can understand unless they've been there.  Thanks also for emphasizing how fresh this is -- a week old.  Making sense of all of this will take some time.  When you've taken a big hit like this, what works to make things a little better in the near term.  How do you cope?

RC

[bellatarr]

Thanks, sorry if I came off a little on the defensive there...I didn't mean to.
Well as for coping, luckily I have several people in my inner circle who have been around me for most of this ride. They saw me go through the attempts at keeping this relationship together, when the whole time- I even knew it was failing, and wasn't going to last. This was my first real relationship since my last borderline. I had been on dates in-between, but never anything serious. It was 8 years ago last summer- since my last one exited my life, and I actually let my guard down and let another one in- only to have this one exit my life. The first 6 months I saw some signs, but the last six months were the worst. Only small glimpses of happiness. I'm not sad...like crying. More like confused and dumbfounded. She went on a 3 week trip to Ireland with family. We were at a crossroads right before she left (July 20th). However, she contacted me via text on 4 occasions while over there. It seemed somewhat promising when she stated that she missed me and looked forward to seeing me. However, when she returned (last week), she was supposed to call. I went to NYC last weekend on business, and she blocked me on FB and blocked my phone number with no literally explanation.

[Radcliff]

No worries, I got a little ahead of things and appreciate you speaking candidly and helping me reset.  That's great that you have an inner circle that's been with you through the rough patch and understands what you're going through.  Being a "non" in a relationship with a pwBPD can be totally confusing.  Your brain expects things to add up in a certain way, and no matter how you do the math, things aren't adding in the way that makes sense.

How else can we help?  Are there particular experiences or aspects of the relationship you want to talk about?

RC

[bellatarr]

I guess I came here looking for a soft spot to land. To join and see what was going on, check out other people's experiences, and perhaps get some answers along the way. I'd love to know your story, although it lists you as retired, I take it you have been here for awhile, and don't really feel like sharing...and if that's the case- I totally understand.

I guess for me, just talking and writing about this can probably give me some of the answers that I need. Frankly, after the relationship with the first one (2010/2011), I was hoping to never come in contact with another. However, according to my therapists- the industry I'm in (film/ movies), it seems to run rampant with them.  I'm guessing for a variety of reasons.
One thing that concerns me- this discarding I have been reading about. We had- had several fallings out in our year together, and I did indeed block her- more like as a way to protect myself. It was then that I would send an email, unblock...rinse and repeat. She saw this as silly, yet here she is doing the blocking. My concern is this; I have heard - or read many say that they tend to come back, and I'm wondering if this will be the case. So far, almost a week in...not a peep. I really need to get stronger here and keep focused and keep moving. So I am afraid of the charming...if it were to occur. Do you think the probability of this is good? I just need to know what to expect...even though I think I'm already answering my own question

[Radcliff]

Hello, sorry to disappear for a bit, I've been off in the mountains camping.  Here's my first post: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304410.0

As to whether she'll come back, it's a definite possibility.  Each person and relationship is different.  One of the things we try to do around here is acknowledge the common themes while avoiding generalities like "They always do..."  Be prepared for the possibility that she'll pop up, and be prepared for the possibility that she won't.  One of the things that drove me to reach out for help was continually getting thrashed by the relationship cycles.  It sounds like you've experienced that as well.

I really need to get stronger here and keep focused and keep moving.

You hit the nail on the head here.  That was my own experience as well.  Tell us more about what this means to you...

RC