Part 3 BPD husband assaulted D16

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338828.0#lastPost

I don't think you answered the question.  

I'm not asking about hidden assets or fair distributions or any of that.  

I AM asking how your life would be different if you had your half of house proceeds in an account that you control..100%.

When he takes your name off your bank accounts...how would life be different if you had your own funds?

When he takes away your "allowance"?  How would life be different if you had your own funds.

Let's shift for a second.  Look at Babyduck's and Notwendy's questions.  Let me add and additional related question.

What was different about his response this time?  Were his answers consistent with what he has told you in the past?

Best,

FF

Ff,
Half of the house proceeds isn’t enough to live on for the rest of my life. It isn’t enough to raise the two kids he fathered with me.  Not enough, bottom line. I want half of all of the assets, I also want him incarcerated and paying for what he has done to me and the kids. I can have access to it in time. Next time he slips and gets high I will find out where the money is hidden and take my half. I was correct regarding him paying off previous mortgage and investing some more. The car he bought it registered to both of our names.

[snowglobe]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338828.0#lastPost

I don't think you answered the question.  

I'm not asking about hidden assets or fair distributions or any of that.  

I AM asking how your life would be different if you had your half of house proceeds in an account that you control..100%.

When he takes your name off your bank accounts...how would life be different if you had your own funds?

When he takes away your "allowance"?  How would life be different if you had your own funds.

Let's shift for a second.  Look at Babyduck's and Notwendy's questions.  Let me add and additional related question.

What was different about his response this time?  Were his answers consistent with what he has told you in the past?

Best,

FF

Ff,
Half of the house proceeds isn’t enough to live on for the rest of my life. It isn’t enough to raise the two kids he fathered with me.  Not enough, bottom line. I want half of all of the assets, I also want him incarcerated and paying for what he has done to me and the kids. I can have access to it in time. Next time he slips and gets high I will find out where the money is hidden and take my half. I was correct regarding him paying off previous mortgage and investing some more. The car he bought it registered to both of our names.

[snowglobe]

Formflier asks a very important question. I hope you answer it.

It seems like you are playing an "all or nothing" strategy in numerous areas of your life. You are gambling that he will invest some of his cryptocurrency in a home and that at some point, that will give you access to it.

You are gambling that he will someday be "nice" when you've seen little evidence for that and he continues to tell you that he's not as invested in you and the family as you hope.

Wouldn't it be better to face the facts and believe him when he tells you who he is?

@Cat, he did invest
I’m angry he touched my daughter and I want the consequences until he gets himself into treatment. I’m playing long game, with the amount of ammo (figuratively) that I have on him, he is likely wishing I was dead. This won’t be a clean cut if he does not comply with the demand

[formflier]

Vengeful is not a place where you will make solid decisions.  It's understandable that you feel that way though.

So...just because an amount of money is not enough "for the rest of your life"...are you going to let it slip through your fingers?

How long is the money good for?  How many years can you keep your daughter safe..independently of him, with that money.

Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that's "the only" money you would ever get.

I'm going to be frank here.  Tricking him when he is high to try to "get" something he has hidden is a great plan if you goal is to get assaulted again.  Very dangerous game and line of thinking.

I also noticed you still didn't answer my question, even after Cat reminded you.

I didn't ask if the money would last you for the rest of your life.

Best,

FF

[Witz_End]

Next time he slips and gets high I will find out where the money is hidden and take my half.

You do have rights and should see money to support you.  I definitely understand the feeling behind this.  Him withholding is financial abuse.

However...

I agree that this approach is dangerous, not only as mentioned, but in problems it may cause down the road in any legal process.  Consult a lawyer, because if you go about taking what you feel (and probably are) entitled to, but do it through deception, an illegal act or any way that can be presented to paint you as "a money grabber" in a court of law - it harms your case.

It was said above that vengefullness is really, very relatable here, given the hell he puts you through.  But, that it's not the place to make sound decisions from.  When you play chess, you need to think beyond the move with a level head, recognizing vulnerabilities it may present that can cost you down the line.

Find out from a lawyer what you can legally do to secure money that you need in a way that is your right and will not damage your case going forward.  Using deception to drain accounts may not be that route.

[snowglobe]

I AM asking how your life would be different if you had your half of house proceeds in an account that you control..100%.

When he takes your name off your bank accounts...how would life be different if you had your own funds?

When he takes away your "allowance"?  How would life be different if you had your own funds.


Best,

FF

It would be sufficient to live off for several years and figure out what I want to do without being affected by him. It would allow me to decide what I want to do with my half and how I want to live.

[GaGrl]

FF and Cat and Witzend have important points -- vengeance will do you no good , if you are playing the long game.

Calm, common sense planning is what you need now. Your lawyer can help with this. You may need to (rather quickly) file a petition that asks for temporary orders, including a stay on your husband's assets -- ALL of his assets. Just because you don't now know where he has crypto currency doesn't mean the court cannot order him to disclose.

If you are wanting a level of security for you and your children, you need to think about what that looks like...time to list:

Half of assets (after sale of house and disclosure of assets)
Alimony (monthly -- for now long)
Education expenses to prepare you for employment
Child Support (monthly -- to what age?)
Medical, dental, vision, therapy coverage
Extraordinary medical needs (orthodontics, special needs therapy)
Extracurricular activities
School tuition and expenses
University education (or other career preparation) for the children
And...
Protection order, order for anger management therapy?
Percentage ownership of his business?

All of these items -- and others -- can be part of a settlement that provides you and your children a level of financial security and safety.

It may not be realistic to expect you will get a settlement providing life-long security.

What is your greatest need right now? Vengeance? Or making realistic plans?

[snowglobe]

You do have rights and should see money to support you.  I definitely understand the feeling behind this.  Him withholding is financial abuse.

However...

I agree that this approach is dangerous, not only as mentioned, but in problems it may cause down the road in any legal process.  Consult a lawyer, because if you go about taking what you feel (and probably are) entitled to, but do it through deception, an illegal act or any way that can be presented to paint you as "a money grabber" in a court of law - it harms your case.

It was said above that vengefullness is really, very relatable here, given the hell he puts you through.  But, that it's not the place to make sound decisions from.  When you play chess, you need to think beyond the move with a level head, recognizing vulnerabilities it may present that can cost you down the line.

Find out from a lawyer what you can legally do to secure money that you need in a way that is your right and will not damage your case going forward.  Using deception to drain accounts may not be that route.

Witz, the lawyer is powerless obtaining the money stored on a number crypto account. In fact, he was asking me to obtain some log ins and hard wallet to prove it even exists so I can use it in a court of law. I’m not intellectually challenged, I plan to obtain his stash, bring it to my lawyer, have one of the associates and witnesses to attest to it being real and money being there and then move forward. I won’t physically move the money. I just need to prove that it existed. I also need to take any and all transactions on that account in case that he contests that money wasn’t his. I need to prove it so he can’t challenge it. Another option would be to move half and leave the money in lawyers trust. Until we figure out the details. I don’t want to hurt him, scam him, steal anything from him. If the judge would decide that I’m not entitled to it, then so be it.  I know it’s dangerous, but so is sleeping next to him at night.

[snowglobe]

FF and Cat and Witzend have important points -- vengeance will do you no good , if you are playing the long game.

Calm, common sense planning is what you need now. Your lawyer can help with this. You may need to (rather quickly) file a petition that asks for temporary orders, including a stay on your husband's assets -- ALL of his assets. Just because you don't now know where he has crypto currency doesn't mean the court cannot order him to disclose.

If you are wanting a level of security for you and your children, you need to think about what that looks like...time to list:

Half of assets (after sale of house and disclosure of assets)
Alimony (monthly -- for now long)
Education expenses to prepare you for employment
Child Support (monthly -- to what age?)
Medical, dental, vision, therapy coverage
Extraordinary medical needs (orthodontics, special needs therapy)
Extracurricular activities
School tuition and expenses
University education (or other career preparation) for the children
And...
Protection order, order for anger management therapy?
Percentage ownership of his business?

All of these items -- and others -- can be part of a settlement that provides you and your children a level of financial security and safety.

It may not be realistic to expect you will get a settlement providing life-long security.

What is your greatest need right now? Vengeance? Or making realistic plans?

I’m not sure if you are familiar with hard wallets. It’s the actual wallet that looks like a USB stick that keeps all of his crypto assets which he keeps where only he knows and access it using codes and secret words. He holds about 5 times of what his company, house, retirement plan   Are worth. He can take this device. Get on a plane and never be seen again while living happily for the rest of his miserable life. He can also say at this moment that I imagined it and he never had it. The wallets aren’t registered to a name, address or any other personal detail. It’s untraceable, untrackable and  completely anonymous. I need to prove it exists

[Witz_End]

Witz, the lawyer is powerless obtaining the money stored on a number crypto account. In fact, he was asking me to obtain some log ins and hard wallet to prove it even exists so I can use it in a court of law. I’m not intellectually challenged, I plan to obtain his stash, bring it to my lawyer, have one of the associates and witnesses to attest to it being real and money being there and then move forward. I won’t physically move the money. I just need to prove that it existed. I also need to take any and all transactions on that account in case that he contests that money wasn’t his. I need to prove it so he can’t challenge it. Another option would be to move half and leave the money in lawyers trust. Until we figure out the details. I don’t want to hurt him, scam him, steal anything from him. If the judge would decide that I’m not entitled to it, then so be it.  I know it’s dangerous, but so is sleeping next to him at night.

Snowglobe, I certainly do not mean to suggest you're intellectually challenged.  I hope you didn't read that in what I said.

If this is something your lawyer asked you to gather for proof, then it seems I misunderstood.

[formflier]

It’s untraceable, untrackable and  completely anonymous. I need to prove it exists

Can you take a minute and read the title of this thread.

Would you rather start a thread about finding your husbands "stash" or would you rather focus on keeping your family and yourself safe from further assault?

Make it a truly dichotomous choice to clarify your values.  Would you rather find and truly get half of his money, yet you and members of your family continue to get assaulted?

or

Get a substantial settlement and neither you nor anyone else in your family ever gets assaulted again.

I'm not suggesting you keep your eyes closed and don't try to gather financial details.  I AM suggesting the amount of energy and focus you put into your hubby's finances should be small compared to the effort and time spent protecting yourself and your children.

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

Can you take a minute and read the title of this thread.

Would you rather start a thread about finding your husbands "stash" or would you rather focus on keeping your family and yourself safe from further assault?

Make it a truly dichotomous choice to clarify your values.  Would you rather find and truly get half of his money, yet you and members of your family continue to get assaulted?

or

Get a substantial settlement and neither you nor anyone else in your family ever gets assaulted again.

I'm not suggesting you keep your eyes closed and don't try to gather financial details.  I AM suggesting the amount of energy and focus you put into your hubby's finances should be small compared to the effort and time spent protecting yourself and your children.

Best,

FF

Ff,
With all due respect I think either I am not making myself clear, or you are missing a point. I want to be safe, myself and the kids. I have nowhere to go at the moment And very little savings that I managed to put away. With the resources that my ubpdh possesses he can have it go on for years on hand. He promised to bleed me dry and take away the kids. I know he will follow through with his promise should I try to leave before securing the half. The half that I would potentially get, would be the bargaining chip to let me and kids go in one piece. I know you are trying to help, just try and understand the inequality in our position. The system takes time to work, and be honest, OJ didn’t go to jail right away, why? Because he had access to money and lawyers. I need an insensitive to get my ubpdh to play nice. The only thing that he loves and wants is money. If he was threatened to loose a half, he would bargain to let me keep the custody as long as I didn’t go after it.

[GaGrl]

Snowglobe, several times in your threads, you have had critical moments that seemed to bring you close to making important decisions that (while difficult) could change your life for lunch by-term improvement. Yet, each time your focus veers to financial concerns -- you spend a lot of energy on gaining control of his crypto currency/hidden assets , then you eventually decide to stay with him in the "as is" situation. This is a pattern I have seen -- perhaps the other posters have seen it also.

Except that this time, he has moved to enlist your daughter in the violence, and you may not be able to protect your children while living with him.

Right now, your focus is back on the financials. If you are going to wait for the next time he does drugs to get the crypto proof, how long does that lock you into living under the current conditions? What if he doesn't do dtugs? What happens when the house closes and you move into a new and equally unacceptable situation?

[Radcliff]

You want him in jail.  You want him to be accountable.  You want the authorities to help fix things.  Once removed used a phrase in another thread that I thought was brilliant, and certainly applied to my own situation.  The things you want are reasonable, but are likely not realistic.  In roughly two years, your daughter will likely be off to university.  You could easily spend those two years spinning your wheels, planning to battle your husband, and then battling your husband.  When I let go of my reasonable but unrealistic expectations of my ex and people in the "system" and anytime I was upset tried to focus on only the things I could control, my mental health and effectiveness improved dramatically.  Before I reached this point, I made some choices that increased the conflict, didn't improve things, and cost greatly.

If you were to think of how you can make decisions and impact things within your control to optimize for making your daughter's last two years at home as healthy as possible, what would you do?  How can you craft the best realistic outcome for her?  What unrealistic expectations might you shed to focus your energy where it can be effective?

RC

[formflier]

What if he doesn't do dtugs? 

Especially since I remember not too long ago you were praising his sobriety.  I seem to remember being shocked at the length of time you said he had been sober.

Shifting gears.

When is the closing scheduled for?

best,

FF

[babyducks]

the benefit of having an outside peer support group is that we have all been in very nearly the same situation and the multiple experienced eyes and brains produce some wise advice.     I see a lot of wise guidance here.

  The things you want are reasonable, but are likely not realistic. 

I think Radcliff nailed it here.    we have all fallen into cognitive distortions (Beck's) and one of the common one's is believing the entire future is pre-ordained.    that a prediction of a future is already an established fact.    another of Beck's cognitive distortions is the fallacy of fairness.    if life was fair none of our dearly loved people would suffer from mental illness.  and we wouldn't have to deal with personal violence in our intimate relationships.      is it reasonable to expect remorse and apology, understanding that it's wrong to push his daughter, willingness to accept responsibility and bear consequences?    Sure.    Is it realistic to think any of that will happen?   No.   

   Before I reached this point, I made some choices that increased the conflict, didn't improve things, and cost greatly.

Again Radcliff said this very well.    Choices that increased conflict.   If the item your husband values most is his hard wallet, and make an attempt to either obtain it or document it,... that ramps up an already violent situation.   

If you were to think of how you can make decisions and impact things within your control to optimize for making your daughter's last two years at home as healthy as possible, what would you do?  How can you craft the best realistic outcome for her?  What unrealistic expectations might you shed to focus your energy where it can be effective?

good questions.    I would suggest that a good way to start optimizing the health and happiness at home would be to end the cycle of conflict that the family is mired in.    as always the way to do that is to walk away from arguments.  to not stay in them to the point where emotional control is lost (his or yours)

[Notwendy]

to get my ubpdh to play nice.


But he doesn't play nice, does he? Even when he's acting "nice" he's not playing nice- he wants something. By getting him to play nice- if that's even possible- it's a game of manipulation, something the two of you have been doing. But whoever has the money in this game wins, and he's been "winning" all along because he controls the money.

I don't know how to get to a hard wallet- sneak around when he's asleep? Surely he keeps it close and secure, and will fight for it.

I know you want him to feel accountable and remorseful, but that may not be possible. If he had a trace of empathy, he would have felt bad about hitting his daughter. He doesn't seem remorseful.

It's tough to play games with someone like this, because they can take the painful actions further than an empathetic person can. I know you want half of all of it, but that may come with a cost to you- more abusive behavior and the outcome may not be what you want. But going with the tangibles might give you enough to be safe and on your feet for a while.

[snowglobe]

Especially since I remember not too long ago you were praising his sobriety.  I seem to remember being shocked at the length of time you said he had been sober.

Shifting gears.

When is the closing scheduled for?

best,

FF

I was happy and beaming with pride for his cold turkey abstinence from any substances. That was before he went combative At my daughter. The anger, hurt and resentment in me was cheering for him to slip off of the wagon. In fact. My behaviour towards him was triggering his weak points consciously to make him slip. After a day away from him, I not longer hope he will slip. That doesn’t mean he is forgiven, it means I no longer want him as a human being to destroy himself. Closing is early September 

[snowglobe]

Hi guys,
It’s surreal and I can’t explain or justify it for myself although I have been trying to. He is acting like, wait for it, victim in this equation.

[formflier]

I'm not at all surprised he "feels" the victim.

Listen snowglobe.  I would hope at some point you can realize THIS IS WHO YOUR HUSBAND IS. 

Instead of being shocked...take healthy action for your life and for your children's lives. 

Switching gears.  Have you and your hubby signed a purchase contract for a new home? 

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

I'm not at all surprised he "feels" the victim.

Listen snowglobe.  I would hope at some point you can realize THIS IS WHO YOUR HUSBAND IS. 

Instead of being shocked...take healthy action for your life and for your children's lives. 

Switching gears.  Have you and your hubby signed a purchase contract for a new home? 

Best,

FF

We have signed the sale and now the purchase of the new home, it’s going through with the motion as we speak At it’s final steps.

[Notwendy]

It looks like things are fully on board to continue your lives together as he planned it. He wanted to sell your home and buy a new one. You protested it, but it went according to his plan.  Your initial fear at selling was his threat to take the money and leave you homeless, but he didn't do it,- he bought another home. Then the issue was over the expense of the home but he bought one.

Then there was the car issue. He wanted to buy your D a luxury car- you protested and he bought a car.

Do you see a pattern in this?

He wants to do something, you protest, there's a bunch of drama, he threats, you get scared, probably ramp up your caretaking behaviors, he does what he wants.

You get angry - do things that trigger him, he gets angry...more drama.

But the outcome looks the same. He wants to do something and he does it. He makes threats- to leave you homeless, penniless, find a hooker, but yet- the the two of you are buying a house together. He controls the money but your family manages to have a nice home, look nice, D is driving a fancy car.

This is how I see the big picture from your posts--- loads of drama but it doesn't seem to lead to either your fears coming true or a change in the power dynamics in the family. By staying with him, you get the financial security you want for you and your children. By staying with you ,he gets to be in control.

Problems arise when you (or now your D) protest the control.  He threats, with holds money, and even uses physical force to get you all back in line.

IMHO, SG- this is the deal. He is willing to support the family, but he wants control- it's going to be his way. Each time you protest, it's drama- but things don't really change. I think what you want is to live with this man happily ever after and for him to change into the caring loving husband and father you want him to be and you are doing things to try to make him change, which doesn't work.

But he is who he is, and you are who you are. And the two of you are tied together financially, emotionally and with children and it doesn't look like either of you are planning to split any time soon.

So I will reiterate what Ratcliff said :

 When I let go of my reasonable but unrealistic expectations...

What unrealistic expectations might you shed to focus your energy where it can be effective?

One idea is to let go of trying to control your H's actions. He's going to do what he's going to do. All you can do is control what you would do if he got physically dangerous ( again ) such as have a safety plan.  I think it is good that you reported the abuse of your D- even if nothing comes out of this the first time- it will be on record.

Since you are planning to stay with your H and live with him, how can you move towards reaching any of your personal goals? One may be to continue in graduate school. Another is to continue with therapy to work on your own fears so you are less reactive to his moods and his threats.

I'm not minimizing what he did to your D. I'm accepting that ,I don't think this is going to change your plans to stay with your H or your hopes of living happily ever after with him. We all have our threshold of what is tolerable and what isn't. I say this from having experienced by parents- my BPD mother did some things I would not tolerate but somehow none of it was enough for mt father to make changes. He wanted the relationship and accepted that my mother was not going to change.   This is why none of us can say "this is enough" for anyone else. Yes, he assaulted your D, and you did the right thing by reporting him. But the house sale/purchase is in the works, and there's no plan as far as I see to change that.

Maybe changing focus to decreasing drama ( not from changing him, but from how you react with your fears) is a realistic next step.

[snowglobe]

It looks like things are fully on board to continue your lives together as he planned it. He wanted to sell your home and buy a new one. You protested it, but it went according to his plan.  Your initial fear at selling was his threat to take the money and leave you homeless, but he didn't do it,- he bought another home. Then the issue was over the expense of the home but he bought one.

Then there was the car issue. He wanted to buy your D a luxury car- you protested and he bought a car.

Do you see a pattern in this?

He wants to do something, you protest, there's a bunch of drama, he threats, you get scared, probably ramp up your caretaking behaviors, he does what he wants.

You get angry - do things that trigger him, he gets angry...more drama.

But the outcome looks the same. He wants to do something and he does it. He makes threats- to leave you homeless, penniless, find a hooker, but yet- the the two of you are buying a house together. He controls the money but your family manages to have a nice home, look nice, D is driving a fancy car.

This is how I see the big picture from your posts--- loads of drama but it doesn't seem to lead to either your fears coming true or a change in the power dynamics in the family. By staying with him, you get the financial security you want for you and your children. By staying with you ,he gets to be in control.

Problems arise when you (or now your D) protest the control.  He threats, with holds money, and even uses physical force to get you all back in line.

IMHO, SG- this is the deal. He is willing to support the family, but he wants control- it's going to be his way. Each time you protest, it's drama- but things don't really change. I think what you want is to live with this man happily ever after and for him to change into the caring loving husband and father you want him to be and you are doing things to try to make him change, which doesn't work.

But he is who he is, and you are who you are. And the two of you are tied together financially, emotionally and with children and it doesn't look like either of you are planning to split any time soon.

So I will reiterate what Ratcliff said :

 When I let go of my reasonable but unrealistic expectations...

What unrealistic expectations might you shed to focus your energy where it can be effective?

One idea is to let go of trying to control your H's actions. He's going to do what he's going to do. All you can do is control what you would do if he got physically dangerous ( again ) such as have a safety plan.  I think it is good that you reported the abuse of your D- even if nothing comes out of this the first time- it will be on record.

Since you are planning to stay with your H and live with him, how can you move towards reaching any of your personal goals? One may be to continue in graduate school. Another is to continue with therapy to work on your own fears so you are less reactive to his moods and his threats.

I'm not minimizing what he did to your D. I'm accepting that ,I don't think this is going to change your plans to stay with your H or your hopes of living happily ever after with him. We all have our threshold of what is tolerable and what isn't. I say this from having experienced by parents- my BPD mother did some things I would not tolerate but somehow none of it was enough for mt father to make changes. He wanted the relationship and accepted that my mother was not going to change.   This is why none of us can say "this is enough" for anyone else. Yes, he assaulted your D, and you did the right thing by reporting him. But the house sale/purchase is in the works, and there's no plan as far as I see to change that.

Maybe changing focus to decreasing drama ( not from changing him, but from how you react with your fears) is a realistic next step.

Wendy, thank you for the long reply! You are seeing my situation crystal clear and there isn’t a single point I could disagree with... regardless of what motivates me to stay (which honestly changes, its fear, insecurity, pragmatism, at times when I see the glimpses of the man I fell in love with) I have been trying to do anything and everything to motivate, support him towards a healthier change. Did he? Not exactly. Power dynamic is overwhelming and long term goal is still far from reach. One thing I kept in thinking about after my legal consult, is that my ubpdh’s actions against d16 were going to happen to even if I wasn’t with him. Why?. Because he can. Simple. The consequences changed because I am still with him- it going on the record. I have more control over he outcome and protection whilst with him then allowing him unsupervised time with the kids. Last night the unthinkable for me happened. D16 came up to h and said “I’m sorry for pushing your buttons”, he replied “I’m sorry for hurting you”. I just stood there as if the bomb went off. They had a short conversation, she said beside him, they talked. At the end she asked him to go out to see her friends, and he graciously allowed her. This apology was the truce agreement so she can go out. I tried to have the conversation about the potential consequences of her action. 

[GaGrl]

Accepting then that the marital situation is what it is, you definitely have decisions make as to how your life moves forward.

One thing you've mentioned that can certainly be a focus area is now you work with your D. She is at risk of entering a relationship that, to her, would be comfortable based on the marriage and family dynamics in which she has lived all her life. Whatever you choose to do, you need to show her a different way to navigate a relationship.

I say this because, of my DH's adult children, none of them have had successful marriages or relationships, having grown up with a uBPD/BPD parent.  One daughter has enough insight to say, "Twice, I've married a male version of my mother." They also have a pattern of dysfunctional manipulating their mother for financial reasons. They know that DH and I do not play that game.

You have an excellent opportunity to do some significant work with your D that will serve her well.

[Notwendy]

SG, I think this is the a source of the problems and I think this is one you have the power to change:

I have been trying to do anything and everything to motivate, support him towards a healthier change. Did he? Not exactly.

You have been putting an extraordinary amount of time and effort to this. It isn't working and it is causing issues for a number of reasons:

It's not possible to change another person.

When you do this, it takes away his own responsibility for any change he might do. It becomes a Karpman triangle with two people ( yes it is possible). You become persecutor by trying to make him change. He then takes victim mode.
Victim mode is the reward for drama because a victim isn't responsible for his actions. When you try to motivate him to change, you take away his responsibility for his own actions.

He doesn't feel loved. You want to turn this frog into the prince you think he should be. But he's a frog and wants to be loved as the frog he is. You may have seen glimpses of the prince, but the prince is a cover. It's his mask, it's not him. Even frogs have some lovable qualities, but he's also green, and bumpy and froggy. You may not like all of the frog but you have to stop wanting to change him into a prince and accept the frog as he is.

What can you do?

By focusing this energy on yourself- your own self interests- school, your therapy-, you become less focused on changing your H. It takes you out of the drama triangle. You are able to be less reactive to his threats. The conflict decreases.

When you stop trying to change him, he feels more at ease, can be himself.

If you stop intervening with his self destructive behavior, he may begin to feel the effects of it. Only when he does, he might ( and I say might because you can't control this) eventually feel motivated to do something himself.

I think you both will be better off if you do this- no matter what direction the relationship takes. You will be able to relate in a more emotionally healthy way with people. It will reduce the drama between you. You doing this will not end your relationship with him. ( that's only a choice anyone can make). You won't hurt him by becoming more emotionally stable. It might- even lead to both of you relating better- not because you have changed him but because you have changed you.

[formflier]

What's new?  Haven't seen you post in a while.

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

What's new?  Haven't seen you post in a while.

Best,

FF

Hi Ff,
I’m not doing well. It feels like I’m in a twilight zone. After mutual apology (d16 first then ubpdh to her)  things went back to its “normal”/dysfunctional self. Ubpdh has been extra nasty and curt with me although he made his peace with d16. I went through period of loosing my pink shades and seeing him for who he is, and what he does. He, sensing my disscontempt, had been uncooperative and distant. Ubpdh and d16 went to pick up her car, which as you can imagine earnEd him browny points   

[formflier]

They get to choose how they behave as do you.

How are you going to make different choices, live your life differently after your husband has assaulted you many times and has now assaulted your daughter?

How long do you believe it will be until your son is assaulted?

If you made different choices in your life do you think you could lessen the chance of your husband assaulting you or the kids?

Tough things to think about.

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

They get to choose how they behave as do you.

How are you going to make different choices, live your life differently after your husband has assaulted you many times and has now assaulted your daughter?

How long do you believe it will be until your son is assaulted?

If you made different choices in your life do you think you could lessen the chance of your husband assaulting you or the kids?

Tough things to think about.

Best,

FF

I went through the assaults and here is what I discovered - we share “reactive violence”, meaning he wants to hurt me emotionally making threats to leave and being out of control, but craving for me to “take his emotions”, I react with abandonment/rejection and try to prevent “him exiting my life forever”. In a desperate attempt to prevent him from leaving I physically block his exit and that’s when “reactive violence” occurs. Like a chimney that has a purpose to let out the steam, this reactive violence diffuses his anger and calms the emotions. It’s dangerous and unpredictable. I do know what you are referring to. If I reported him when he had done this to me, the authorities would look into that and when or if he repeated this to the d he would be prosecuted. As it stands right now it’s still in a process of “being looked into”. If I did not buy the home, took my half and controlled that, would he be able to still manipulate me? Or assaults our d? I know it won’t stop until I stop it. My boundaries get habitually walked all over or violated, whilst he expands on his boundaries and enforces new ones. Ff, I’m also disillusioned, the world order isn’t fair. Only the winners rewrite the history.   

[formflier]

Only the winners rewrite the history.   

Those in control of writing the history books...write the history books.

Those in control of your finances..make YOUR financial choices for you. 

This really is a dichotomous choice. 

1.  Let your husband choose and continue to complain about his choices.  (how has that worked so far?)

2.  You choose (take your half) and you be responsible for making choices under your control.  (only one way to find out how this works..try it)

If you go with option 1, I can't imagine that your life will be any different from the last many years.

Option 2 will be very different.  You will choose much of what happens.

Best,

FF

[GaGrl]

Just a word here about physically house could my him from leaving (and the reactive violence)...

In the U.S. (check your local law), physically blocking an exit path is considered domestic violence. If he makes a move to leave -- let him. You are not responsible for soothing his emotions by allowing him to discharge on you by reactive violence. A fundamental deficit of BPD is the inability to self-soothe (thus the teddy analogy).